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male
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid, I am studying A-Level English Language and am currently completing an investigation looking at the language used by agony aunts and uncles and how they differ. I have generally noticed that, when writing to men, more humour is used, whereas women tend to gain responses involving more sympathetic lexis. I would be very grateful if you could comment on your feelings towards this hypothesis and advise me on how you reply to problems of both men an womens'. How do you decide on what words to use to ensure that you give the best reply possible? Thank you very much on taking the time to read this email and i look forward to hearing from you! Yours sincerely, Katie Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2005): I find that in answering questions about sexual dysfunction that a clear straightforward answer, which cuts to the heart of the problem and suggests both causes and cures, is rarely what women want. A husband may not be interested in sex because he suffers from anxiety and stress and this causes him to have difficulty getting an erection or having an orgasm. But the woman sees it as a personal rejection and no amount of explanation on the real causes of her husband's problem will help her. This is because she is not looking for ways to fix the problem, rather she just wants sympathy from other women and perhaps a session of male bashing. I have seen this time and time again on various internet discussion groups.
A
female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (5 October 2005):
Good choice of subject!
When I am writing a response to a question, I do so with the intention of making the other person think about their dilemma. Unless I felt very strongly about an issue, I do rarely use instructive language, prefering vocabulary which conveys suggestion as opposed to command. I think that this particular usage encourages the reader to contemplate their own questions, and think about their situations. The reader has therefore more constructive thinking, rather than having another person's viewpoint forced upon the reader.
When I read my own, and other "Aunts" responses, one thing I notice is that the tone of the question is often mirrored in the responses. Women are particularly good at adapting their style to suit the tone of a conversation/question, and this is apparent in responses of the female aunts. If a question is written in a lighthearted manner, then the responses will often be humourous and lighthearted in return. On the other hand, if a respondent were to laugh at a "serious" issue or a person asking for help, this would be entirely inappropriate.
I haven't particularly noticed any gender split, a man writing a question requiring a sympathetic response will get that as easily as a woman writing the same. I think it is more the case that men are more likely to adapt a humourous tone when writing questions, and hence this is why there seems to be a greater incidence of lighthearted responses to "male" questions.
I hope you find this useful, I completed a degree in English a few years ago and find the language, conversation and gender issue particulary interesting. It would seem that many of the basic principles of gender and interaction have now transcribed to emails.
If you want to discuss any further send me your email address through the website.
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A
female
reader, tiggaroohoo +, writes (4 October 2005):
Katie:
You are correct in your observation. But if you read the messages, the women are not only looking for help but for sympathy as well.
When woman start their messages, there is usually a not so friendly adjective describing their guy whereas the men tend to start straight into the problem they are having. We woman are always looking for someone to agree with us and be sympathetic towards our problems. Men want to state the problem and get the answer. That's it...done.
Good luck in your research.
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A
reader, helpfull girl +, writes (4 October 2005):
well the way i answer questions preety simple really put my self in there shoes and think well if that was happening to me i would do this or do that then right it down and give them a reply! i speak to them in the most polite way possible as if i was to be rude they wouldnt want to come on here again would they for advice? when i was a few years younger i use to beg for some one to give me answers but no body ever did so i use to figure it out my self so i geuss it could be voice of experience! after each answer i put down i always go back and double check to see if it makes sense if i have put it in a polite way, if its the best answer i can give! kelly a.k.a helpfull girl.
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A
reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (4 October 2005):
 Its always good to have a balance between straight forward and sympathetic answers. Not everyone is the same and requires a different approach. Some people come here to get straight, solid, no nonsense advices and some come here to be consoled and just want to get their problems of their chests. Also, some people are more receptive towards harsh and truth spoken answers (its like they need to be knocked on the head to wake up) and some are receptive towards the kind and gentle approach. Its impossible to tell who needs what and see what works on who by just reading their problems posted on this website, because we lack information on face expressions, emotions, character and so forth. But what we need to try to do as potential 'agony aunts and uncles' is to be 'less' judgemental. I say 'less' because as much as we want to be, its never possible to be totally non-judgemental of a certain sitution. We are only human after all. Hope this helps and good luck with your research.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2005): What you say is generally corrct. Not just here but in every web group where sex and relationships are discussed. Men also tend to be more straighforward and practical. Their advice is more goal oriented as opposed to women whose advice is intermixed with sympathetic messages and full of written qualifiers.
You might want to check another group where it is about a 50/50 split between men and women and some of the men actually break form and sound very much like the women in their messages of sympathy and support.
http://p080.ezboard.com/fsexlessmarriagefrm2
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