A
female
age
30-35,
*amsel in distress
writes:My situation is a bit complicated(everyone's is... i have a boyfriend and we've been dating for about little over a year now. He's a good person and i like him very much but among other issues (albeit minor, perhaps) there's an 11 year age difference between us that makes me rather skeptical about our relationship in the long term. Recently though, a close friend of mine confessed to having had strong feelings for me for a while now. I guess i didnt realize it until he said it but i too am very fond of him and do enjoy spending time with him. He is quite handsome and intelligent, not to mention very artistic - and i love all these things about him. After having confessed his feelings for me, i started spending a bit more time with him than i normally do. At this point things with my current partner weren't going very well and so knowing that he would definitely accept me with open arms, i would go hang out him and friends to just get mind of things and relax, eventually, however, the inevitable happened. he kissed me... and i kissed back. i know it was wrong but i had never cheated on my boyfriend before, the thought had never even occurred to me to cheat(because kissing is cheating!) needless to say i felt very guilty about it...the worst part is that it happened a few more times and though it was never really more than kissing, it did get much more intense... and i felt horrible! And i cant bring myself to be honest with my boyfriend about what happened. I honestly don't think our relationship is long term, but this is no excuse for my actions. My question is, is my basis for dismissing my current relationship due to age valid? and if i do decide to pursue my friend, will i be leaving a good guy who loves and cares deeply for me for something that might be just a crush, and a guy who may only seem perfect because the grass just seems greener? am not sure what my heart is telling me... sometimes i feel like im young and still want to date other people before i marry, but i really have a good guy her and don't want to lose him.
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cheated on my boyfriend, crush, kissing Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (10 January 2011):
 If you feel you need to see more, and find out more of what's out there, you're not ready to settle down with your boyfriend. I will tell you that if you leave someone who's good to see if there's something better, you might miss what's good all together.
A
female
reader, damsel in distress +, writes (10 January 2011):
damsel in distress is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for your feedback, it is much appreciated.
'A girl who has a great boyfriend, who's kissing another guy and who is using "age" as an excuse to justify her actions. Does that sound about right?' rcn, i guess you may be right, but only at face value,there's more to it than that,i think. Am not just kissing this other person, i have feelings for him as well. he is not your average gentleman, he somehow seems to always know what to say and cares a great deal about me.
Healthitgirl, wow, I'm happy for you. You seem to have found someone who truly makes you happy. we also discussed the age thing early on in the relationship and i dint mind it then. my only fear is that we are starting to get more serious, he seems to almost be ready to start moving towards marriage and I'm just not ready for that phase yet, but he/we are not getting any younger!
to my third respondent, i do admit that i have a good guy, but i still somehow feel that, being the the first serious relationship i ever had, does it get any better? is there more out there that i need to see.I feel like i need to discover that for myself before i decide whether i want to eventually settle with my boyfriend...
thank you all again:)
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 January 2011):
You talk about your boyfriend being a good guy and how he loves you, but you really don't talk about how you feel about him.
I'm going to tell you what I see. A girl who has a great boyfriend, who's kissing another guy and who is using "age" as an excuse to justify her actions. Does that sounds about right?
Age is relative to those in a relationship. It only becomes an issue if YOU decide it is an issue. Your relationship won't be long term, if you choose for it to not be long term. Just like any other relationship, there are good ones, and there are bad ones. There are ones that last and there are ones that do not. Even with an age gap relationship as yours 9 times out of 10 age is not a factor on whether or not the relationship works out. There are people with much larger gaps than yours that have wonderful relationships and even marriages. Therefore, age isn't the factor that determines the success of a relationship.
If you see the difference as being a factor, that is by your choice, and personal preference for what you want in a relationship, but you can't say you have this difference, therefore your relationship is set up to be doomed because of that fact. That conclusion is not supported by any factual theory.
Decide what you want. Determine it's what you want, by your choice, but don't blame it on anything that it is not.
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A
female
reader, Healthitgirl +, writes (10 January 2011):
You started out your question saying you have had doubts about your current relationship working b/c your current bfriend is 11yrs older. My bfriend is 14yrs older and I find we have much in common and enjoy spending time together. We discussed our age difference early on but found it not to be an issue 'for us'. Relationships are constant work and you have to work at them to stay together, but it takes two people. If you think that you found a good one, I would give it a true chance.
Your 2nd paragraph went on to describe what you liked about your friend. It sounds like you truly respect him and enjoy him however, keep in mind, that spark will fly now and will dull again later and will require the same work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): I understand you're honestly confused. And relax, I won't be judging you or giving you moral lessons about how cheating is bad because that won't be helpful for you.
You need to figure out your feelings. Do you imagine yourself settling down with your boyfriend? Do you imagine yourself in a serious relationship with your friend? Or would you be better off single right now, because neither of them really makes you feel like you'd like to feel?
When we cheat (even if it's just a kiss), there's usually more to it. Are you honestly happy in your relationship? It's ok to have doubts, we all have them in serious relationships. But when we act on our doubts, and kiss (or more) someone, this might be an indicator that you're not feeling fulfilled in your current relationship. It might be helpful for you to think about this, and think if it's just a phase, something you can solve with your boyfriend, or if you really are not in love with him anymore. You're young. Follow your heart. And try to understand what your heart is telling you before you end up hurting other people, and yourself.
Sometimes, when we are torn between two people, the real truth is we want neither. But we get ourselves in these situations because we don't like being alone, or we don't want to face conflict and breakups. It's hard to deal with this but trust me, the faster you solve this situation, whatever your decision is, the better. Dragging these things over time only make them more difficult to deal with in the long run. I don't think telling your boyfriend that you cheated on him will help. It will give you a cleaner conscience, but at the same time it will hurt him unnecessarily. However, it will be a lot worse if he finds out about it in some other way - which might happen if the situation goes on for long. Find a way to solve this in a way that hurts your boyfriend the least.
I can't tell you what to do, or with which guy to be. You have to figure that out for yourself. I wish you all the best.
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