A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is 17 years my senior.For most of our relationship, this was never a problem, but lately it has started to really bother me. It has nothing to do with our different interests or anything like that, and he certainly doesn't act his age (not in an immature way) but over the past few years I have seen groups of my friends getting married - all to people their/my age (give or take maybe 1 or 2 years in between). This has started to really upset me and I dread receiving wedding invitations in the mail.When we first started dating (I was 21, nearly 22), telling people his age was a huge novelty for me. It made me feel mature. But as the years have gone on I have become almost embarassed by it. I don't show people photos of him and I don't like how we look in photos together. I feel like he looks like my dad. I don't want to marry him. We have spoken about it and I have told him it is just not a big deal for me when in reality something about marrying him doesn't sit well with me.I worry a lot about the future too. When I am 33, he will be 50 years old. When I am 63, he will be 80. I know all of these things are a lifetime away, but we joked about it on the weekend and it kind of hit home with me. If we haven't had children by the time I am 33, he might be ok with being a 71+ year old father at our child's 21st, but I am not ok with that. He will also retire nearly 20 years before me.I only wish he was 15 or even 10 years younger! He is the perfect man!!!! He treats me like a queen and still tells me he loves me every single day. He puts me first. He trusts me. He allows me all the freedom in the world. He supports me. He doesn't belittle me. I know I am never going to find a man as wonderful... but I can't shake this feeling and I don't know what to do. How do you tell someone who you mean the absolute world to that you are breaking up over the one thing they can't control or fix?!! Why has this started to bother me now?!!
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (10 November 2009):
 Well, worrying about what you look like together is one thing. That shouldn't bother you - you've got a great man, so who cares what he looks like?
However, thinking about the future is a totally reasonable, responsible thing to do, and if you do want children (does he?), you will want to think about what his age will mean in your relationship with each other and with the kids. Have you really talked to him about having children and what that will mean down the road? Is he okay with the fact that he won't be as young and active as other Dad's, and maybe (this is morbid, I apologize), won't be there for big milestones - like marriage or grandkids. Are you okay with that?
I think that this all can work and can be dealt with, as long as you guys have talked about it and feel good about whatever comes in the future. Regarding the future, I don't think that you're shallow, I do think that you're thinking reasonably.
Good uck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2009): So, now he is in his mid forties. 17 years is a big difference, but not this big.Of-course he looks much older than you, but why does it bother you SO MUCH?You sound a little shallow for me. Because he looks older, because he'll be old dad.... what does it matter, if you guys love each other?You don't sound like you love him at all, may be that's the reason, that you want to break up?Does he want to have kids, does he want to marry you? Did you talk about it?Everyone has their own life to live, what does it matter if your friends getting married to man their own age, if it will end up in divorse or some drama? You seem to have perfect relationship with an older man, why do you care aboout supperficial thing like how you two look on a picture?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2009): What I read from your post is that before you were young and marriage was far from your mind. You dated for the dating itself, for the great company and to live life. Perhaps you didnt even think the relationship would last this long? Sorry to break it to you hun, but this is how most 20-something year olds think. They don't look ahead too much, dont plan the future so much. It's natural, because rarely we are feeling ready to settle at such an early age.
However now you have matured a bit. Your friends are getting married, and you realize that people are settling down, friends around you start to think about their future. So you start to think about it too. And what do you find? That you can not have a future with this man.
You are surprised by your feelings and sudden worries. You need to sit down now and think about this. Can you see the future with this man? Do you even want to get married and have children? Does he want any of that? After 5 years have you ever talked about the future together?
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