A
female
age
36-40,
*nwonted
writes:In the past 11 months, my boyfriend and I have only had sex 5 times. I had a baby a couple months ago and we have not had sex since a month before she was born. Before that, it had been almost 3 months. I am ok with the fact that we didn't have it often when I was pregnant because our sex life decreased, we became closer in our relationship through affection and communication during the pregancy. Right before I became pregnant, we were having amazing sex at least 3 times a week. We have been together for over four years and had hit a couple slumps before, but they were "only having sex once a week" slumps, not once every three months slumps. Because of the infrequency, I've become unsure of myself. I have no idea how to get back into the swing of things. I feel embarassed and afraid to initiate sex or to just "let loose." My boyfriend has not initiated it at all even though I've talked to him about how much I miss it. I know that he has gained quite a bit of weight lately and feels badly about his body - he makes comments about how "fat" he is frequently. I am sure that not feeling good about himself is a factor. I tell him he looks good/sexy/handsome a lot - because he still does despite a few extra pounds - but he doesn't seem to take it to heart. I also still have about 20 pounds of the pregnancy weight (I had gained 45), so it could also be me. I used to dress in skimpy "outfits" before sex (I was probably Frederick of Hollywood's best customer) and have a lot of confidence. Now I wear big t-shirts and sweat pants because I hate the way my stomach looks post-baby. With his lack of interest, I'm starting to accuse him of cheating on me - which I know he isn't and is probably making him want sex even less, but I'm getting so paranoid about why he doesn't want it AT ALL. How can I initiate sex? How can I make him desire sex and ME again? I feel nervous like I've never had sex with this guy even though we've been together so long and used to have a GREAT sex life. My mom is watching the baby this Saturday and all I want to do is hole up in the house and have sex....and I'm too timid to even mention that to my boyfriend. Help!
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 hi
don't be shy of initiating! don't think about it, just do it. maybe wear something sexy but that covers your belly if you are not happy with the way it looks. hey at least he has put on weight with you so he can empathise with how you feel about your weight gain.
you have been together some time and had a baby together so why do you not feel intimate enough to even suggest sex to him? i am sure that things will happen naturally when you get some baby-free time at the weekend. most peoples sex life dwindles when they have a baby, just do it when you have got the time and the energy
xx
A
male
reader, ilikequestions  +, writes (19 January 2011):
Don't accuse infidelity ever. If you have real doubts, hire someone to check, and never tell. I suggest that you jump into it again. Try and remember things that made him attack you that way before. As we get older, we get fatter. Get used to it. Both of you. The skimpy clothes might work again. Have dimmed lights ready when he comes home, be half naked on couch, already started. He will remember what to do. Talk dirty, be honest, and be aggressive. It will come back. To be honest, I think he should be on this site asking the questions, how to spark it up again. He should have the same amount of interest as you do, and learn something new to keep you happy. Good luck, get wet and lead him in.
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