A
female
age
41-50,
*atiekate
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for one year. Usually, the relationship is pretty great. But I'm having a problem with him right now, and I don't know who is to blame- him or me. He just started back at school which takes up his entire day, and he works at night until about 11. When he was on break from school, we saw each other nearly every single day and I would spend the night at his place a few times a week. We discussed the fact that things will change since he will be so busy (it doesn't help the fact that I got laid off and have NOTHING to do all day besides go to the gym or piddle around the house). But the last few days have been different than I expected. I admit that I'm an insecure person- when we are together, everything is fantastic. When we are not together, I always worry about if he will leave me, etc. I've already begun seeing a counselor about this issue, because I know I have severe abandonment issues stemming from childhood. But I feel that my boyfriend is being very insensitive and mean towards my feelings now. I told him over the phone yesterday that I was having a bad day, and he wasn't very helpful at all, I was a little grumpy, and he basically hung up on me. He says he didn't, I say he did. The conversation was awkward, and he just said, "I'll talk to you later". CLICK. I consider that hanging up and I told him so in a text. He didn't apologize. I said it made me feel hurt, he didn't apologize. This morning, i decided to let it go and wished him luck at school today on his tests. But then I called him on his break just now and I said I feel like he's being different towards me these past few days. He didn't have much to say, just that "I'm sorry you feel that way", and I pressed a little more and he said he was getting frustrated and that we'll talk about it later. I don't know if he is being different, or if it's just my imagination and insecurities playing tricks on me. I'm supposed to go over to his place tonight when he gets off work, but I don't know what to do or say. The past has taught me that he is very bad at understanding how other people feel- he is not very receptive to other discussions we have had about feelings. He knows I have occasional anxiety (he even when to a counseling session with me) but he still does nothing to set my mind at ease or reassure me, which is really what I need right now! How should I approach this? Part of me wants to break up because I cannot be put through this emotional ringer, but I don't want to give up on what is an otherwise good relationship. Please help me figure this out... Thanks
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (13 September 2012):
 It's a little of both. Because he is not receptive to feelings his callous answers hurt you and make you feel like he doesn't care. You want him to sit with you, hug you and say it's all okay. That he would never do anything to hurt you. You want the empathy and for him to understand how you are feeling rather than get mad at you over it, after all you can't control how you are feeling and it isn't like you like it any more than he does. But the phone call sounds like a regular argument he got mad over and your anxiety and insecurity made it worse.
He seems very frustrated and pushing him made it worse. I think it makes sense to hang up on you if you were grumpy but he did say talk to you later so didn't technically hang up on you. So basically he was already a little pissed off then you accused him of hanging up on you, which he didn't feel he did. So then he ignored you.
When you called him today and again started with the feelings and insecurity, he is still mad about yesterday and it's just frustrating him. It's a lot all at once basically.
What I would do is still go to his house tonight. Sit down and talk with him. Don't get emotional, talk matter of factly and calmly. Don't accuse him of anything (being distant, not caring). I would apologize for how I was grumpy the other day and how I acted. Explain it was my anxiety acting up the last couple days and I'm sorry for it. Hopefully he will then apologize as well. Then you can say what would help the next time you feel anxious or insecure, that all he needs to do is say that everything will be okay or whatever would make you feel better.
But in the future, if you just have a bad mood then don't be surprised if he doesn't want to talk to you. That is common. Expecting an apology when you are both a little heated from an argument is unrealistic. So wanting an apology right after the phone call wouldn't have happened, probably not even for the nicest most emotional guy. It doesn't mean he will leave you or he's unhappy with you.
As for the day after, I would advise not to instantly start up that he is distant. Especially not after a day like yesterday. It's too much to take in a short time. He's still mad. Probably still a little on edge and worrying about your reactions and responses yesterday. Then accusing him of distance and acting differently is effectively pushing him away.
I understand everything you are talking about because I have the same issues you do. As well as a husband that lacks the ability to be emotional and compassionate. It's a hard thing to deal with because you are very different in these aspects. But if you want to make it work then try to understand where he is coming from too and not to make it so much about how you feel. You feel sad and anxious but he also has feelings, frustration and anger. You can't only focus on yourself. His anger can't be ignored to focus and apologize to you. I do the same thing but after each of us calm down I realize if I was in the wrong and apologize then calmly explain why I was feeling the way I was. This always works for us. If the argument started because of how I was acting then I own up to it. I never get a lovey dovey compassionate response but we do communicate and let our thoughts and feelings be known. It's up to you if you can handle someone without emotions, it's very hard sometimes.
Also try to keep your insecurities in check most of the time. I have to actively reassure myself so I don't run to him for everything all the time. I understand the fight made you more insecure, but try to think logically about what happened, why he would be feeling the way he does. Then reassure yourself that he is angry, which is acceptable, and it doesn't mean he is going to leave you.
If after talking to him calmly and apologizing he doesn't budge at all, it will probably be time to start thinking of leaving him after all. He may be fed up and starting to not care at all anymore. But offer a genuine sincere apology and don't tell him how he seems or is feeling. My husband hates that so I imagine your boyfriend does too. Good luck and you can message me if you want. I'd like to know how it goes and talking to someone with similar issues helps.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 September 2012):
 Once a guy runs in to a hot little co-ed... who expresses even a tiny bit of interest in that guy... ALL that guy's previous like and love encounters go "on hold" until he sees if that little coed is serious about getting in to bed with him.....
Is that clear enough?
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (13 September 2012):
My fiance and i were recently in a similar situation. I have pretty severe anxiety and am prone to having panic attacks. He doesn't empathize well with others at all.
He finally understood why I was so upset when I broke down and asked him how he would feel if he were cooped up inside all day with little interaction with the outside world. How would he feel if the one person he loved, trusted, and interacted with on a daily basis didn't seem to want to spend time with him, talk to him, and be affectionate with him?
He has been a lot more understanding since then.
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