A
female
age
,
*ailing1
writes:hi i have a boyfriend who moved in with me three months ago we even got engaged. the thing is for the last two weeks i feel like he is having second thoughts. he still has boxes upstairs and when i suggest to unpack them he just shrugs as if i am asking too much. he used to be affectionate but very rarely now do i get a cuddle. he also snaps at me too. last week i had to have a opperation he never even took a day off work. we only have a personal life once every two weeks if i am lucky. i do love him but dont want to get into all ways finding fault but i need to try to talk to him about this problem but dont know how as he will snap. he used to text me to let me know how he is at work but no more, (he is a lorry driver and away all week). he is 47 and i am 51, when i first met him six months ago he was loving caring affectionate and fun, but now he just wants sit down or walk down to town by himself, i dont think he is cheating but i know something is not right.
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female
reader, mailing1 +, writes (18 August 2013):
mailing1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou so much for your advice, i actually wrote him a letter it took me hours to write it. I gave him the letter, he asked do i read this now or later, I said it was up to him but said it would be good to read now, I wrote down how i felt and what i thought was wrong and why. I placed no accusations or blame. When he had read the letter he looked at me and asked what was wrong he did not understand, so i explained how things had changed and explained i needed to know. At first he refused to even discuss it so i said firmly but not arguemently that we need to face this, and asked him had he second thoughts, I got out of him he did not have time to talk as he was going to work, i insisted so he said no he did not have second thoughts he still loved me
A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (16 August 2013):
 Sometimes when you and your partner decide to move in with eachother things can take a big turn. A lot of people like there own space, and when you move in with someone things can change dramatically as living with each other is a huge step which can change things. He may not be adjusting to the move very well and may miss his own space and in general having his own house. However this is no reason for him to be as cold and as distant as he is being to you. If you feel something is up, then there most probably is. Sit down with him at the right moment and speak to him about things, if he snaps at you say you getting to the end of your tether and its either you sort things out or nothing because you can't live with him being this way. Also I agree with the first post, if you are engaged and thinking of getting married, and he is being like this, do you really think its a good idea? Could you imagine having to live with him, being the way he is everyday? that's not a happy relationship is it? There is probably a deeper reason as to why he has suddenly changed, it could be anything, he could be having second doubts, he could be guilty of something, he could be having extra stress at work, problems within his friend network or family, it could be anything, but the only way you will find out is by talking to him. Bide your time, and wait for the right moment, and confront him about how you feel. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): You have to tell him how you feel. Pick a time when he's calm. Sit down on the couch next to him and don't start out by saying "We need to talk" that makes every man want to bolt from the room. Just state what you wrote in your last statement "when I first met (you) six months ago(you) were loving caring affectionate and fun...." but now you seem distant and unhappy. Are you having second thoughts about this relationship?....Then be prepared for whatever comes next. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): Unfortunately you won't know until you ask him, because we can only try and guess.So he moved in 3 months ago, and you even got engaged. At your age people normally know what they want, and unless you suggested the move and the engagement, he was moving forward.However, now the last 2 weeks you feel there has been a change in him. Not only is he not finalising the unpacking, he is short tempered and less affectionate and attentive.His job is probably very tiring and drains his energy and perhaps he was used to coming home and relaxing and fitting you in when convenient to both, whereas now he comes home to you and the normal relationship demands and he isn't used to the change yet.Not being attentive to your needs when you had the operation could be for various reasons: Whether his schedule allows it (rotation schedule with others, etc) or whether he can afford to take a day off (finances) or how critical your operation was. All of us would love our partner to be there when we go through any procedure but it's not always possible, depends on their support in other areas, however it does not look good for you because he is being short tempered and less affectionate, not good signs at all.You're right, you do need to talk to him, and don't be scared, he is your man after all and you should be able to talk to him about anything.Don't judge, don't point fingers, don't blame, don't criticise - instead, share how YOU feel, from your own perspective, that you are happy to have him with you, mention everything you like about it, and then ask him if he is happy? Share how you fear he has changed his mind, and allow him to respond. There is definitely something up - he no longer texts you like he did, he wants more alone time, he sounds pensive, tired or unhappy. Definitely ask him what is troubling him?Good Luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): "i need to try to talk to him about this problem but dont know how as he will snap."That's not a good sign. Based on this alone, I'd say put the breaks on any marriage plans. A successful relationship *requires* good communication, and if he "snaps" whenever you try to discuss your relationship, that's a major red flag, and *will* lead to the relationship falling apart, painfully, unless it is fixed (or unless you're a doormat with no self respect who will stay with him no matter how abusive he gets or how many times he cheats on you... unfortunately there are women like that). You need to have the courage to call him on it if he does snap.Be aware of the words you choose when you talk to him, avoid word that accuse and blame. Simply tell him how you feel, and let him know that you're hurting. Keep in mind that his reluctance to unpack might not mean a lack of commitment or second thoughts. Don't try to read too much into it. Honestly to me it seems like a non-issue, and it might to him as well. Actually, the only concerning thing is his snapping at you.If, after calmly (and without accusation) letting him know that you're hurt, and making sure he knows how important this is to you he still snaps, or if he snaps and refuses to even let you get it out, then dump him. Now.If he seems sensitive to your feelings and says he'll try to be more sensitive, but you don't see a change, or if he does make a positive change, then reverts... you'll have to decide how many times to have this talk with him before you realize that he'll never make you happy, and you need to dump him.Two last things:First, be careful about the accusation thing when you do talk to him. When people feel like they are under attack they don't respond well. Frame all things as a problem that you'll work together to fix (which, in a marriage, is how things should be).Second, keep in mind that he's probably either cheating on you, or thinking about cheating on or dumping you. If a person is all affectionate, then suddenly gets distant and snippy, there's a reason. It could be something else, but chances are he's deliberately distancing himself from you either due to lack of interest (people tend to sabotage relationships like this rather than simply end them for some reason) or guilt.My advice: read the warning signs, slow things *way* down, and seriously re-evaluate the relationship and whether or not it's healthy to stay. If it turns out to be nothing major, great. If it turns out that this is a warning sign of a really unhealthy relationship, it's better to find out before marriage. Better safe than sorry.
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