A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Please help me. I have been married for 12 years. I love my husband like a dear friend, but I have never been in love with him. We have been to counseling and I have even told him that when we married I was in a bad place and I am not sure I married him for the right reasons. I have met a man, who I honestly feel is my missing half. We text each other all day every day and never run out of things to say. We both agree that it's so hard to meet someone you can be your true self with, and not worry about being judged, and we both agree that what we have is something special. He is married to a woman he says he does not love. When we first started talking, he said he would never leave his wife, now he says hang in there and we will see where this goes. It's only been about 6 weeks and we have not had sex. I feel that I am in love with him. He says he "is mine", that I "have him", but has not said he loves me. I am just so scared that what everyone says about men who cheat is true and that this can't possibly go anywhere good. Can a man who is willing to cheat on his wife ever be faithful? I truly believe that I could with this man, but I am so scared that I am setting myself up for a horribly broken heart.
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male
reader, DV1 +, writes (21 August 2013):
 He can't be faithful, and neither can you. You both sound perfect for each other, because you'll both cheat on each other. The best thing would be to let you husband find an amazing woman who isn't you first. He definitely deserves that for having to put up with you for so long...
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (17 August 2013):
 first of all you are cheating on your husband with a emotional affair already. your heart is drawn toward another man. i feel sorry for your husband, i would hate to be in his place knowing or not knowing that my wife was not in love with me. yes you may well be setting your self up for a fall. you have two relationships in an emotional affair if not more. that is two people cheating on their husband, and wife. you relationships built on cheating, and mistrust. even if he left his wife for you what is to stop him in the future from doing the same thing to you? will that be in the back of your mind while you are with him ??? will he think the same about you? he is with his wife, he has not left her. he has not told you he loves you. this may progress to sex, but he is still with his wife. the one i feel bad for is your husband, he is getting blind sighted by this. you need to think real serious about this before you jump. has your husband been bad to you? has he cheated on you? will he not go to work to make you a better life? does he not love you? is he a bad husband? love is giving yourself just like you are with this man you are seeing. you could be doing this with your husband, and feelings might grow between you two. just think about it. love is giving not receiving or taking.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): You made a mistake in choosing to marry your husband and stay with him all these years when you were not and never were in love with him. Because as you have found, if you're not in love with the person you are tied to you will be easily able to fall in love with someone else who does have the qualities you are attracted to.
You should divorce your husband already, that is something you should have done long ago. But not because of this new man specifically. Who knows where things will end up with him, he is an unknown. But the whole point is that only if you're divorced and single are you free to explore new relationships with anyone including this man.
I don't know if it will work out with this new guy, it may or it may not. The only way you can know the answer is to first leave your husband and then see what happens. If the new guy doesn't leave his wife then its a dead end but even that would not justify staying with your husband because in the future you could find this scenario repeating just with a different man you have yet to meet.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (17 August 2013):
I have known a couple of people who have cheated and married "that one". Out of all of those marriages, one has survived.....barely, she cheated and he accepted her back. Not sure this will last.
Anyway, leaving for another person is the wrong reason. You need to leave because it is right for you. You have to stand on your own two feet. Be prepared to be alone and by yourself.
He is saying all the right things to "get into your pants". Don't go there. You will regret it.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 August 2013):
 So are you considering leaving your husband for this man?
Because that's a lousy reason to end a marriage... what happens if this man leaves you later on? will you beg your current husband to take you back?
if you are wanting OUT of the marriage do not leave the marriage for anyone but YOURSELF.... you must first learn to be alone, then you can learn to be with someone new.
In addition, if he is able to lie to his current wife now, and he does, then he's capable of lying to you now and later on too...
My ex husband is a liar. He lied to me... when he left me and he lied to the woman he was dating, she choose to look the other way and marry him anyway. Now when he lies to her I want to say "did you expect him to change just because you got married?" NO ONE is shocked he still lies but her... and we can't really muster sympathy for him... she knew what she was getting into.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (16 August 2013):
 You are a married woman. Do you think what you're doing is fair on your husband?
Sort things out one way or the other with your husband before you contemplate seeing other men.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): You're a woman who's cheating on her husband, yet you think you can remain faithful the new guy?Did you think you'd remain faithful when you married your current husband?I think you believe you'll remain faithful to this new guy now, and then a few years down the line reality will hit, and you'll find a way to justify cheating on the new guy too. Just as this new guy might intend to remain faithful to you, but he's already proven he's willing to cheat when he feels like it.You claim you love your husband, and you swore to remain faithful "forsaking all others" through not just the easy times but also the hard. Love and commitment isn't stabbing someone in the back and ripping his heart out because cheating makes you feel good.Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.There's nothing in there about love being exciting, or giving you tingles, or whatever you're getting with this new guy. I submit that you don't know the meaning of love, and until you figure it out no relationship you have is going to satisfy you. You may think you've found it when you get a thrill from things being new or illicit, but in the end you're always going to end up missing that "special something" that you mistake for love, and looking for a new guy to give it to you.You'll never find love or happiness by acting selfishly and destroying your marriage, or other people's marriages.You can ignite the spark with your husband if you try. Even without excitement though, is it really so unbearable being married to a man who loves you, is faithful and committed to you, and will always be there for you no matter what? And you're going to give that up that true love and lifelong commitment for fleeting excitement with a man who has proven that he doesn't take wedding vows seriously?If you want a solid, happy, fulfilling relationship, confess your cheating to your husband, and beg for his forgiveness. Devote yourself to strengthening your relationship with him. Make a real effort to do romantic things: go out on dates, talk, share your fears and insecurities and doubts with him. Spice up your sex life: Just for the fun of it, get yourself all spruced up and seduce him when he comes home from work: take control and let him know you desire him. Talk to him and let him know you'd appreciate it if he made an effort to be a little more spontaneous as well. If you let him know you really want him (for example, by seducing him first), the "I want more excitement" talk is less likely to come off as an attack on him, and more likely to get the response you're looking for. Show him how good it can be.But remember, basics first. You have to understand what real love is and build on that, not start with the excitement and seduction mistaking it for love and hope things last. Love your husband, honor your vows, and show how committed you are to him and to your life together by putting in the work necessary to fix your marriage. It won't be easy, but if you stick with it, you will be rewarded. If you betray your vows, well... you reap what you sow.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): The answer to your question is "Yes". You are setting yourself up for a broken heart. The split from your husband will be painful, but seem manageable because you have this new guy as a lifeline, and on the whole you'll convince yourself you're deliriously happy. Then after a few years of marriage to the new guy, you will realize that the spark is gone, and you're in the same position you were with your first husband, telling yourself that you love him (you don't, love is selfless, not selfish) while you stab him in the back because when you said "for better or worse", what you really meant was "until this is no longer convenient, or I find someone I like more".And your new husband will be in the exact same position. Just like you, having proven that commitment lasts only as long as it's convenient, he'll cheat on you just as he's doing to his current wife.The grass is always greener... Stealing someone else's lawn doesn't help when you're just going to let it die like you did the first one. You need to understand that if you really want a green lawn, it takes work. Unless you are willing to put in the hard work when things look dim, you'll always be looking over at someone else's lawn with envy. Same with a marriage. And as with lawns, even dead or dying one can be brought back to life with some work and love. Please, work on your own marriage instead of trying to steal your neighbour’s. It will save everybody, yourself included a lot of pain, and in then end will be much more rewarding for you.To help you get started, I'll let you in on a little secret about love. A secret that isn't really a secret at all but that Disney movies have (incorrectly) taught us is "unromantic": Love isn't an emotion, it's a choice.No amount of "spark" that you're feeling with the new guy is love, and a lack of "spark" in no way indicates lack of love. That spark is an emotion, and will fade. Love endures.When you make someone a priority in your life, putting that person's needs above your own, that's love. Even if it's your worst enemy who's trying to kill you, and you're both dying of thirst in the desert, you can demonstrate love by giving your last sip of water to that person, placing your enemy's needs above your own. It doesn't mean you have any wonderful fuzzy feelings toward that person, but it does mean you love that person. That's "neighbourly love". What's important to note here is that it is *selfless*.I realize that this view of love may not seem romantic (actually it is; far more romantic than the alternative really) but it is accurate, and it doesn't end there.Brotherly love comes next. It requires the selfless neighbourly love as a prerequisite, and builds on it with emotion. When a friend walks into the room and the world suddenly seems like a better, happier place because your friend is there, that's brotherly love. Again, without the whole selfless aspect, any fuzzy "love" feelings you have are purely as selfish "I like what this other person gives me" feeling, rather than an "I like this person" feeling.Romantic love requires both neighbourly and brotherly love as prerequisites. This is what you're aiming for in your marriage. You might not be there now, but that doesn't mean you can't get there if you're willing to work at it.Romantic love can be built, but it requires love in it's most basic form first. Put your husband before yourself. Love him. That a choice entirely within your power. Put your marriage first, your vows first, and remain faithful to him, no matter how tempting it is to bail. This is what the vows are for. This is why you swore to stand by him no matter what. Not just through the easy times, but also when things get difficult.If you chose to love him, and you are truly committed to making your marriage work, the romantic love will come. Talk to your husband about the lack of spark, initiate romantic encounters, schedule a weekly date night, dedicate time and effort to revitalizing your marriage. If need be, get some counselling. Your local church should have people to talk to, and many have marriage mentors (experienced married couples who have endured struggles of their own), basically friends to talk to when you need advice.But I promise you, if you resist temptation and commit to your marriage and put in the work now when things are difficult, you'll be much happier in the end. You *can* find that spark and be "in love" with your husband if put in the effort. Go seed and water your own lawn. With love and hard work, it will be a lot greener than your neighbour’s. Just don't forget that not only does it take love and hard work to get it that way, it also takes love and hard work to keep it that way.Those are your choices really: maintain your own lawn, or keep stealing your neighbour’s greener lawns and watching them die.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): The questions you are asking about this man can also be asked about you. You are willing to cheat on your husband. You are doing so right now, even though you have not had sexual relations with this other man.Does this mean you can never be faithful in the future?Perhaps this other man married his wife for the wrong reasons, just as you believe is the case with you and your own husband. Perhaps it took meeting you for him to realize that real love is possible (even though he hasn't said the word "love" to you yet).The only thing that is certain here is that it is too early to decide anything about this guy or your relationship with him.You need to spend more time talking to this man -- longer than just 6 weeks -- before you make any major decisions. The fact that you feel he is your missing half is a good sign. But make sure the feeling is resulting from something real and lasting before you act on anything.In any case, regarding his cheating, I would give him the same benefit of the doubt that you want us to give you: he has made a mistake in marrying a woman he doesn't love and, like you, he wants to finally find some happiness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): The same exact question can be asked of you.Can a woman who is willing to cheat on her husband ever be faithful?Your actions would suggest you lack integrity. That you would have another relationship lined up before leaving one that is not working for you. However you say you have never loved your husband so it might be different. Who knows.Regards your new boyfriend, you've known him for 6 weeks. How much time have you physically spent with him? Considering that you are both married and fitting in quick texts around your established lives, you can't be texting for more than 2 hours a day if we are really generous. That's 84 hours worth of texting. That's less than 4 whole days spent together. And you think you love him? Call me crazy but that sounds a bit premature and Hollywood. Love is not just a feeling it is also a verb. You love someone through actions as well. How have you loved your boyfriend? How has he loved you when you barely know each other?What you're chasing with him is the passionate romance, the stuff books are made of. That constant high will plateau and you will settle into a comfortable relationship. Can you handle that or will you leave him too for the next thrill?My advice is to do what feels right to you. You've imprisoned yourself and your poor husband in this marriage. Let him go and then you'll be free to purse whoever you want
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): The fact that you haven't slept with him yet says it all.
He recognized that telling you he would not leave his wife for you illustrated to you that he saw no future with you, only a quick cheap fling.
When you didn't jump into bed with him anyway, he changed his tune.
He is now trying to be more ambiguous about things in the hope that you will sleep with him.
You are right about one thing: this guy does not love his wife, but only because he's willing to cheat on her with you if you make yourself sexually available to him.
Is this what you want?
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