A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi All,I struggle to integrate into my boyfriends social circles. He is always included in mine. he does invite me when he can, but the few times I have met his friends (mostly females) ive always felt pushed out, left out, like im in a group of selfish obnoxious people who are not interested in getting to know me. They have all been single for a very long time, my boyfriend had been before me also. I have expressed a number of times that I'd like to meet up with his friends who are in couples more, since the times i have met them, i've enjoyed the company. He agrees but rarely initiates it, ive even bought it up again recently and gave him an example idea. But as time goes by we fill the spaces up with other plans. And he continues to meet the friends regularly without me. However he always comes to my socials, and he is always welcome. However when I am out without him, he needs attention, texts and at least one call. usually I'm at dinner and have to run out between main meal and desert to fit in a call to say hi, and god forbid i dont contact him before 11, he throws a wobbly and will be mean to me the next day, but then eventually apologises when he is calm again.Its jealousy he suffers with, but he deals with it silently usually, but why be jealous when he hangs out with a bunch of single girls who have no want to get to know me.I've told him, i find it hard being in a relationship where we can't mix our worlds a little, but he says please dont judge him by his friends. I feel like im between a rock and a hard place, this is not the first time, and we have broken up about a more severe case of this before. (he used to party all night every week, never inviting me, and staying out all night after house parties) but after a convincing story and giving him time to change and prove he wants me and the relationship, he said it was what he wanted and i was being reasonable and he was being an idiot.Its been nice, but i guess ive experienced a relationship before where i loved all my bf's friends, and wish i could just mingle with just some of his friends and feel more connected. It upsets me. plus hes always very quiet when he is with my friends. he doesnt have much social energy when with me and friends, (but he found this social energy previously when he partied all night before) so it kinda makes me wish he wasn't with me so i could relax more.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2013): Thankyou for your resonse, I appreciate your view.I do agree I have built up a resistance, with 0 tolerance towards this specific group. Its based on first impressions, and ongoing impressions, and i just get wound up when I see one or two of them being snobby and barely even greeting me. or just answering my questions minimally, one particular girl has been rude twice without a sorry to me. i.e bursting in on us at 4am in bed (they live together) and then proceeding to tell whoever she brought back home that night that her house mate is shagging his girl up here. I was offended and She laughed in the morning rather than apologise. Why come into my boyfriends room at 4am on a saturday night when she is drunk? (its not often i sleep at his house)this is one example anyhow. My boyfriend did deal with his. fine done.Call me prudish, but we were fast asleep, but if we were at it, then why is it her business to broadcast what we do in private?I guess if i've just put this particular friend in a dislike box. and if that ever happens, I generally just don't tend to gravitate that way, when there are millions of other options to spend my time, we have stressful jobs, I want to unwind, not be treated with a cold shoulder when I want to spend time with boyfriend and friends, I do feel upset after an evening spent with them, rather than 'thank god that night is over/i feel more drained than when i left work)The couples things, i guess I really want to get involved with boyfriends social circles, (i want to see what he is like out side of 'us') and am suggesting how about we spend time with these coupley friends of his, then i feel perhaps, i will relax more, rather than thinking, if i dont get on with this particular girl/group, so what its just one friend. But at the moment I feel, if i want to see boyfriend at any time socially I have to tolerate this particular personality.On facebook photos, him and the girls are all over eachother in photos, drunk, cuddling, kissing cheeks, lying on eachother, sexual innuendo poses, I worry I never see this when I am around? I want him to be himself around these friends as much as possible IF i am with him. Not him have his playtime when i'm not around. But since being back together for 8 months, he barely does this kind of thing, (as in photos not put up, or he is home at a good time, drinking less) I am scared that he can't relax and be himself with me, i don't want to wait another year or two to see if he slips back into this usual habit with them. i want to spend maybe every 3rd or 4th time out with them at the very least, not every moment. But the odd occassions I have been to, its been dinner, he's usually fairly quiet, chatty with them, but tame (i wander where is this wild guy that i never see??) and I'm a lemon on the end that no one wants to make eye contact with because its like they make it clear they are a clique not to be messed with. I find that pretty lame, I love chatting and knowing peoples stories. And at the same time its usually some michelin restaurant that costs me £70 for the pleasure! (i love trying out glam restaurants - but i just choose to try them out for special occassions/ romantics dinners, because i'd run out of wages doing this a few times a month!)I just want a balance. A balance we can be ourselves, have our own time, deal with life without it being too much hard work for the other. What I feel happens, is he gets to see every facade of me, happy, tired, stressed, letting my hair down with friends, sober or drinking, colleagues etc. I see a lot of his family, hardly any of his friends, and definitely not his colleagues (but im not fussed with colleagues in this instance)I feel as though im not seeing the real him when hes out with these female group. i.e( why wild on photos when im not with him, but quiet and well mannered when i am with him) and if we are a couple, then what do i do - just trust him to have his private time with friends, and I invite him to everything of mine?if he is wild child when im not around, then im not going to whine at him, i'll just decide if this is something i can or cant put up with and move on. But i just cant help feel frustrated not knowing who is he when he is with them? and when will i find out. Maybe he's realised, he cant 'play' wild drunk flirting games if he wants a serious relationship and is possibly in the past. hence im getting my knickers in a twist.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): You are not always in the mood for his friends, and he is not always in the mood for yours. That means, you both have a different taste in friends.
It is always going to be a bone of contingency between you; because he can't force his friends to like you, or you to like them. They damned well better respect you as his girl.
Women seldom seem to get along with their boyfriend's female friends. I've yet to read a post from women on DC regarding the subject, without a long detailed story of how uncomfortable they feel when other women are alone with their man. Or if she's present; then she's watching their behavior together and every move. Looking for clues or evidence.
Nothing anyone says on this site has really changed that. It is what it is. Take it, or leave it.
What it boils down to, is trust versus insecurity. Nothing satisfies an insecure person accept always having their way; and a constant stream of reassurance. They have to be in control; or they'll whine and nag, until the relationship is over.
You just have to be tolerant. If you sit with an attitude, the other girls see through you. Men fool each other easily; because we aren't so emotional. We're dumb when it comes to reading each others emotions. Women are even harder to read. Men shun emotion and run from it. Gay men generally tend to be more like women; when it comes to reading each other. We are emotional, to a limited extent.
Women never fool each other; because they see through each other. If they don't like each other; they create reasons, even if they can't find a real one. The true reason, they hate female competition where a man is involved. Period.
Men pick friends tailored to his personality. He likes people who tolerate his faults, and he doesn't have to put on airs. They laugh at his stupidity, and don't pull punches. There are usually no grudges or hard feelings.
They just let him have it, and he can give it back; and not get tears and jeers for being himself. They are chosen as a haven from his relationship.
Women have a larger variety of friends. There may be multiple personalities all in one person. They don't like criticism, avoid bad manners, and care about each others feelings. Until they hear gossip, and will not hesitate to spread it. They will circle the wagons in protection of each other, and fight to the death. They don't trust each other alone with their boyfriends. Men pretend they don't mind; but watch their guy-friends in their peripheral vision around their women.
Boyfriends feel awkward in her social circles; because these personalities confuse him. He has to pretend the prettier friends are invisible, and he can't understand most of the conversation. Thus, he sits quietly. That, and the fact he must behave around your friends, as not to embarrass you.
Some guys are good at blending into her circle of friends. He pretends he likes them for her sake. If he has a great personality; it gives him an ability to be tolerant and accommodating. He's usually cool; but secretly, he can't wait until the night is over, and they all go home. Your boyfriend is brutally honest. He just can't fake it. You don't. That's why.
So how do you compromise? You go out with him and his friends and you suck it up. You just put aside hostilities and just relax and have a good time. Your mind is always ticking. Spoiling for a fight. That's why you broke-up before.
When he goes out with you and your friends, let him sit as quietly as he wants to. Enjoy yourself, with or without him.
They are your haven. They entertain you, and give you fulfillment away from the drudges of home-life. They energize you, outside the realm of your relationship.
You and your boyfriend play a game of tug-of-war. There is a power-struggle within your relationship. You feel you should chose the friends according to your own tastes. Thus the couple's stuff.
That's stuffy. Guys don't really go for that. It's just to pamper your own insecurities knowing everyone is in a safe place. He'll resist. You can't force him to like it. Socializing is supposed to be fun. Not forced or contrived.
Don't struggle to fit into anyplace. You're not struggling to fit in, you're resisting. Everyone sees through you.
You paint the bad background around your boyfriend. You're not being honest, with us; or yourself. You don't like him hanging with other females. So you bring up all the stuff about calls at dinner. He's checking in; according to your training and demands. Guys just don't do that.
So, the answer. Tolerate each others friends, and you can tolerate each other. If it wasn't for your dislike of those girls, you'd get along just fine; accept for the usual crap we all go through in a relationship. You're a cool lady, just a little selfish. The girls will like you, when you decide to stash the snobbish attitude. That, or just fake it.
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