A
female
age
41-50,
*grlygo
writes:my Bf left his fb open on my pc... i didn't realize it was his at first clicked on the messages and saw that he was in serious contact with his ex... to the point of lending her 2500.00 to get a place... she is having issues with her man etc... same old song and dance.. also whenever she mentions me he doesnt even respond to her.. like shell say that its great that i comment on his page and he didn't even say anthing... infact at one point made fun of me... i know i shouldnt have read the emails but i couldnt help it.. they were there one right after another and have been going on since he and i had a big fight... he did mention to me that after that fight he thought we were done... and since then it seems that the relationship has been back on course...until i found this today. My point is before the fight so to speak... we were considering marriage etc... weve been together a year.. we have a momentary laps of communication and it seems as though hes trying to build a relationship with her. I also have to note that i have been cheated on in the past and wonder if its just me over seeing things. but still, right after the fight he contacts her and is making comments on her page with sexual overtone. He never did this before... now i feel as though i can be replaced just like that. also... this is his EX gf... so I cant help but feel like he had a plan B... and because this was an accident on finding it... (my pc and i never log out of anything)... don't know if i should tell him ...
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2011):
 I think when a person reach out to an ex, it's because their current relationship is in trouble or on the brink of break up. Specially if it starts after a fight.
Seems like you BF isn't "man" enough to break up with you, or tell you that he is unhappy in the relationship.
She sounds jealous of you.
For him to go to the extreme of hiding his comments(from you) on FB, to and from her, says it all. He thinks it's his RIGHT to talk to anyone he wants to no matter how it makes you feel. To be honest, I'm not a fan of telling anyone who they can talk to and whom they can't, but if you HAVE to hide the conversation from your SO, you are not trustworthy and you are up to no good.
I think your relationship is lacking in communication, trust and respect.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 September 2011):
 He's going to visit you?
He is CHEATING on you!!!
What are you waiting for, a neon "I CHEATED" sign??
Break up with him now!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2011): It sounds to me like, he thought your relationship may end, and did what I have found quite a few people do, and find someone else quickly so they don't have to feel the rejection and hurt that they are feeling. It is not ideal, and to me is a charater flaw, but it is what it is. You can decide for yourself if you can work with someone like that or not. Did you two say the actual words that your relationship is finished? Was it suggested? Indicated? If so, your bf may have really been afraid that it was, and went back communicating with an ex gf that he feels is a relatively 'sure thing'. This was to feed his ego, and to make him feel better. My suggestion to you, is not to mention what you have read, but firstly examine how far your arguement went. If talks of breaking up were discussed, then learn from this, that from now on, you DON'T ever talk about breaking up. When the emotions are running hot, don't let that sort of talk come in. If your bf mentions it, you could say, 'we are not going to talk about breaking up, I am committed to this relationship and we are going to work through this together'. That will help your bf feel secure in your relationship. It is unfortunate, that he would feel the desire to 'find' a 'replacement' so quickly, I have had a bf like that before. If I knew then what I know now, I think things would have been different for us. Whenever he felt secure in our relationship, and he knew I was loving and attentive towards him, he seemed to have no desire for other woman, but if we ever discussed breaking up, he would be looking for some attention within a few hours. I suggest that you try hard not to read his communications with his ex again, but rather, trust what he tells you. He did tell you that he thought it was over, so when he tells you he feels secure again, believe him. Try not to let this incident become a huge thing in your mind as it will drive you crazy. If it comes up easily in conversation you could ask him if he has been back in touch with his ex... if he lies, then you have a red flag and can review the situation quite differently. If he is honest - give him the room to be honest, and to feel safe being honest, don't ask questions at that time. Just pleasantly ask how is she getting on and was there anything important they discussed... I know how much it hurts for your bf to communicate with his ex gf, but it's actually an ok thing to do - unless you have both agreed not to - and remember, at this time he needs to enjoy being with you and to have fun with you....no dramas... rebuild the love and committment. The ex will fade into the background and soon be forgotten.
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A
female
reader, cgrlygo +, writes (27 September 2011):
cgrlygo is verified as being by the original poster of the question also since having a conversation with him (beating around the bush and used another couple as example to him) earlier about.. how i felt about cheating.. and how that man (fake couple) was stupid for sending her cash and how the cheating girl always whines about her problems and how the guy usualy falls for it... etc.. i checked his page again..and is now hiding his comments to her from me.... this is a mess.
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A
female
reader, cgrlygo +, writes (27 September 2011):
cgrlygo is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni think he wants her to be grateful to him for the cash... he has mentioned to me.. when in the fight "how generous he is with his money and time towards me and my children"... which really hurt.. im a single mom..paying for school and doing everything on my own. you are right though i need to tell him... but it was by accident and ive also told him in the past if i thought something was up that i would look. in this case it found me. :(
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A
female
reader, cgrlygo +, writes (27 September 2011):
cgrlygo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit started with a comment over a Baby bunny she was holding against her breasts on her fb page "wow lucky bunny"... which I found offensive.... told him so and he laughed and said its just fb.. no we do not fight.. infact this was the only one... i had been on the pill for the first time and it made things bad. Its been a really good relationship except this... and yes all through her messages at least every day or every other day... shes telling him how her love life sucks... shes been with him 4 years and for the 3 and a half of them shes been miserable. in his letters he mentions nothing of me... now the kicker is this.. he is an old fashioned guy... right down to the T... wants to settle and be married.. this girl lives a good distance away but that dosent say much cause his last gf live 2 hours away and he would drive to see her every weekend... this only started after a month of bad moods... im so upset... :((
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 September 2011):
First of all, his ex sounds *ROTTEN*. She snakes $2500 from your boyfriend behind HER boyfriend's back and makes fun of your posts and eggs him on and encourages him not to reply to you?? What a nasty pig of a girl. What's worse is that he's not standing up for you by cutting contact and allowing her to emotionally maul you behind your back without so much as a warning to knock it off.
I don't condone rifling through someone's private messages, but if he left himself logged into your computer, I can't judge you too much for giving into the temptation.
You know what I really think? I think your boyfriend and his ex are made for each other, and can live rottenly ever after in Disgusting Pigville. Break up with him, but not before you ask for $2500 for no reason at all.
(That last part was a joke).
But YES, confront him. Next time, date a guy who isn't in contact with his ex. Of course, you don't need me to tell you that!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (27 September 2011):
 has he told you he is in contact with her or is he doing it all sneakily? you say he logs on and chats with her after a fight with you- are the fights frequent? what i mean is - are you sure your relationship is a compatible one? the thing that strikes me is that if their contact was just friendly - you would be a common subject of conversation, like when we talk to our girlfriends - its mostly about our partner isn't it?
if they have recently got in contact and he is offering her lots of cash to help her out he is either a very generous and trusting person OR he has an ulterior motive in that he wants to be that person who she is so grateful to. which do you think it is? you know him best- is he generous with money usually? like, would you expect him to offer a male friend or a family member or YOU this amount of cash if you needed it? if the answer to this is 'no' then i think you are looking at a red flag, which shows the start of some emotional cheating.
you say his comments have a sexual overtone too, sorry but this to me sounds like he is enjoying the attention, the adoration and maybe it will escalate into more. this girl tells him about her unhappy love life doesn't she? this is bad for you because she is actually feeding him the information he would need to become the perfect man she has been looking for.
i really think you need to have a talk to him. yes you snooped but lots of people do. he probably would have had a good old read of your facebook if you had left yourself logged in by mistake.
you have only been together a year and are planning to marry? personally i think that is too soon as you are now getting to know more about him and he is looking less suitable for you. would you really WANT to marry a guy who you cannot trust and who keeps in heavy contact with an ex? you have peeled away one of his layers and seen something you didn't know about . this should really change the way you feel about marrying him.
their messages to each other are just friendly stuff, but he is coming across as very caring and interested in her problems. again - look at his usual personality - does he have this sort of care for everyone else when they want to talk about their probs, or is this nice behaviour just for her?
you must be feeling absolutely terrible after what you have read, you have my sympathy :(
x
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