A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Happy Easter fellow agony aunts! So, I am in need of some advice of this guy that I have been speaking/ seeing... so here we go! I have been speaking to this guy for pushing on 4 weeks now, we met on “tinder” and if I’m being honest, at first when I used it I wasn’t entirely sure, I am quite an old fashioned person when it comes to dating... I go by a three date rule, I don’t rush in and it usually takes me a while to become interested in somebody, I’m just very different and I am completely happy with this. However, I matched with this guy and the conversation hit off! We spoke on the app for a couple days, we then moved over to Instagram and eventually we started speaking through WhatsApp. This guy is a year older than me, similar interests, he’s funny, nice and I actually am interested. He also lives about 2 hours away from me due to his work (army) however, in September I will be attending a university that is 30 minutes away from him.. I don’t mind someone being long distance from me, I quite prefer that as I enjoy my space and it is nice to miss someone ... We have had many FaceTimes, phone calls and texts between each other which I am surprised with because I am not usually much of a texter or someone who talks to someone like all the time, so this is a sign for me that woah, I must actually like this guy!We decided to meet half way over the weekend and it was a really nice first date, we had a beach walk and a coffee, i came back home and I was over the moon! He also said he enjoyed his day too and was questioning whether there would be a second date too However, since then he keeps dropping hints in about sex and pictures, we had a phone call last night and it seemed to me like he wanted to maybe have phone sex? I’ve never done that before (phone sex) and I wouldn’t know where to start! After that phone call I went to sleep but there was no “goodnight” texts there was nothing, but he was on WhatsApp till a late time. I haven’t been with anybody since my ex which was early last year, where as his recent was a few months ago So now you catch my drift, I am now starting think “oh, maybe this is what he just wants”.. and I’m even more confused about it because for once I actually found someone who I am interested in but I won’t become further more interested if I know this is what he just wants but I have no idea how to approach this, because he always tells me that I am way out of his league and that he’s punching. He wants me to come see him and possibly stay with him Thursday evening but after this, I am not sure.. I am getting an iffy vibe from him now and sometimes I need to trust these iffy vibes I feel. I don’t like having my time wasted and it takes a lot for me to like someone and invest time into someone, so some advice on how to approach this whole situation would be helpful, thank you
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long distance, my ex, phone sex, text, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2021): You want romance. He wants uncomplicated sex with no fees.
Your first date was cheap, cheap, cheap! Lots of guys nowadays are just after sex, it is one reason I would never use Tinder, many of them go there, all they care about is that your photo tells them you are fuckable, they do not care if you have a high i.q., a good education, nice personality, honest etc, it is all about fun/sex. To them it is like hiring/booking a prostitute but without any fees.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2021): Sweetie, it is best to get out now before you become more emotionally invested. You don't need to go through that kind of pain again. This man wants only sex. It is as clear as day. There are other guys out there who want more than that. And who have the same values as you. Please don't invest in someone who only wants to use you temporarily. If you have sex with him, you are going to find it way harder to extricate yourself. That's because it's our bonding hormone kicking in after sex. That can be a huge problem when we bond with the wrong man. Then we fall in love and lose control and allow him to abuse or mistreat us. The best way to protect yourself is don't bond. Keep your head on straight and keep the walls up around your heart. Not just any sleaze should be granted access. A guy who asks for sexy pictures this quickly is a sleaze. And rest assured he is asking other women for sexy pics on WhatsApp in the early morning hours too. In fact, he has probably received them and is sexting with them. Guys like him play a numbers game. Reach out to as many women as he can to see who is easy or desperate enough to fall for his act.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (6 April 2021):
 Drop him.
Already looking for sexy pictures this early on tells me he isn't worried about offending you. VERY bad sign.
Politely move on. No drama, no long explanations. Just tell him the chemistry vanished when he asked for pictures, and don't wait for a reply. Just block and delete.
Seriously.
Ghost him, and block him. He's a dud. Red flag.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (6 April 2021):
 I think that you know in your heart of hearts what this guy is, as all the other Aunts have told you, he is a player.
He made you feel comfortable on that first date being kind pleasant and nice, but this was just to lure you in.
If i honestly really liked someone after a first date and saw the potential for subsequent dates there would be no way on earth i would even consider broaching anything of a sexual nature so early on. The fact that he did is a massive red flag, and tells us what he is all about, and what he is looking for.
That iffy vibe, or your woman's intuition is correct, and you should 100% listen to this.
I think you should now have nothing more to do with him, block him and move on.
If you see him again, or stay over at his, he will use you, get what he wants, then more than likely ghost you after that. You are worth more than this OP, cut contact with him now.
Just put this down to experience, and use this as knowledge for subsequent dates. Don't be put off of dating by this, there are some good guy's out there.
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A
female
reader, Plexi +, writes (5 April 2021):
 He love bombed you at first........they all do that when they are looking for sex!!
I agree that come over and stay with me is code for i want to have sex with you
I also agree that 3 dates is wayyy to fast to have sex.....you need at least 12ish dates to know someone well enough to be intimate with them!!
when he asks for sexy pics you can respond by setting boundaries and by showing HIM that you're not a prude by saying something like...."hahaha you must confuse me with my future self who's already spent good quality time with you and got to know you a bit better first !!"
IN SHORT........If you are just playing with him( to get over your ex) and are ok with not getting serious then have fun and send him pics and have a sleepover........HOWEVER!.......if you like him and want to get to know him better and hope it will develop into something more serious then DO NOT send him any sexy pics before you know him wayyy better first and certainly do not rush to "sleep over" any time soon!!
Good luck OP!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2021): You met through the Tinder App. They may as well change their name to "Hookups Inc.!"
Girlfriend, you better learn not to let your common sense be nullified and overruled; because you "think" you like some guy! Pretending to believe the only way you see getting him is jumping into bed with him. Then when things go badly; it's all his fault, and you're the victim!
Your mama taught you better than that! If she didn't, may I teach you a thing or two?
You wrote your lengthy post, because you're tired of searching for somebody. You're lonely, and this guy makes you feel sexy and desired. Sweetheart, loneliness makes you vulnerable, and even half-witted. Not judging...been there and done that! You're probably a little horny; and he knows he's tempting you. He's on Tinder, the player's paradise.
He knows how to sweettalk, seduce, and tell you everything you want to hear. He has practiced on many females before you. He knows they like chit-chatting for hours into the night. Texts messages all-day, with silly kissy-winky emojis. Toss in a few valentines! That's implying the L-word! Gets-em every-time! He'll listen to you intently, and take-on all the characteristics of what you've said you're looking for in your profile. Oh-baby, he's your it-guy! Count those abs, and look at those biceps and triceps!!! His gym-bod is rockin'! Even dad-bods are a thing these days! Dad-bods are cool, not hating!
He makes alluring comments and titillates you with sexual-innuendo. Speaking in code, making you read between the lines. Leaving himself room for denial; if you call him out on it! He'll just say you misinterpreted what he meant. Blaming it on your own feelings, or your own dirty-mind. He's probably got pics of his handsome face, showing-off his abs in shirtless photos, and oozing his greasy charm all over you! The dead giveaway is asking for pics of your lady-parts, wearing see-thru tops, braless, or in your panties, ...etc...etc...etc.! He's testing your gullibility and IQ! Don't play dumb!
Girl, get a grip!!!
He's a total sleaze-bag! With all that hot cute bad-boy appeal that will get you in bed; and full of "the-day-after" remorse. Your hormones are on overload, and you just don't know what to do!
My prediction? You'll spend the night, the sex will be great, he might even cook breakfast in bed for you! Then, if you're lucky, a few messages that start to thin-out. Then CRICKETS!!!
My advice? Swipe left!!! Move on! You're dealing with a certified-player! DO NOT SPEND THURSDAY WITH HIM!!! Do not send pics for him to play yanky-wanky! "Getting some," without even meeting you!!! He'll add your pics to his collection; and share them with his other sleazy-weasel bros!
I promise, if you do decide to do it; and things turn-out badly. You can comeback and seek our comfort. I promise not to say "I told you so!" I promise! I'm only speaking for myself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2021): You actually like this guy because he knows how to make you like him. After one date, he has managed to capture your attention and your imagination. He has let his facade slip already though. Asking for phone sex (and if you feel that this is what he was after, then trust that gut instinct, I expect it is 100% correct) and did not even bother to be courteous or polite by wishing you goodnight, when he understood he wasn't going to get it.He's also asked you to stay the night?!! Seriously, this guy is an absolute player who is good at getting women's attention, but he is sloppy and can't even be bothered to PRETEND to be that nice! He's paid you a couple of compliments and your undergarments are already slipping towards the floor? Trust your instincts. ALL THE TIME. This guy is a douche bag and if you trot across the country to him, he'll be so smug and telling all his friends. 'I've got this woman to travel two hours to come and have sex with me, after one afternoon of 'nice''Please raise your standards. You think they are already raised. They are not. You seem to think you're old-fashioned because you wait until after TWO meetings to open your legs??!! Make them work for you. Make them want you. Make them miss you. Be unavailable and do not travel to them under any circumstances. Wait for a LONG time before engaging in any kind of sexual activity and I'm talking months. You are innocent and a victim of this frightful modern culture of sex on tap practically and men trying to get into their possession pictures of parts of your body only a very long term partner or husband should see. I'm talking about your body here, NOT pictures! NEVER send a nude picture of yourself. He will be up all night sharing it with his mates and having wanking competitions! Understand what these kind of men are like. Not nice. Not someone to engage in any kind of relationship with, especially one that is long distance, where they can make little to no effort and try to get naked pictures and phone sex out of gullible women. The clue here is also Tinder. Known as a site to match people for sex. Come on OP. Wise up please.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 April 2021):
 You write:
"He wants me to come see him and possibly stay with him Thursday evening but after this, I am not sure."
Come see him is "code" for come stay over and HAVE sex. I think you are smart enough to know that.
A 3 dates rule means what? 3 dates THAN sex? So fast?!
Because if you "normally" have sex after the 3rd date then you are DEFINITELY moving fast. You don't KNOW someone at all after 3 dates!
And this guy wants YOU to TRAVEL 2 hours to see HIM at HIS place and "stay over". Basically, after ONLY 1 real date he wants you to SERVE yourself up by YOU doing ALL the work. Travel there etc. MINIMAL effort on his behalf.
No wonder you get a bit of IFFY feelings.
I think you need to suggest TO him that you WANT to go on some more dates before you stay over at his place. That he is a stranger and you don't DO casual sex.
As for the sexy pics... You can shut that down NICELY by telling him simply that sexy pics are for a long-term partner, not something you hand out to just anyone.
BE honest about HOW you feel. And stick to listening to your gut but also SET boundaries.
HE is a STRANGER, OP
Charming as he may have been so far, STILL a stranger.
Also, you matched with someone 2 hours away... Do you think that wasn't a little intentional on his side? You believe he is single (and he may be just that, he might NOt be single) Easier to hook up with girls that live 2 hours away than someone local. Right?
Also whole he might (pretty sure he does) find you attractive, he also seems pretty PUSHY for sexual gratification from phone sex, to sexy pics and ONLY after one date. That shows YOU that he IS after sex. Maybe not ONLy after sex but his primary goal is hooking up. This is ALSO why he is on Tinder. Tiner is PRIMARILY a hook up app.
I think you NEED to be blunt with him.
Tell him that you rather meet up halfway and go on actual DATES and get to know him.
That sex and sexy pics are not something you share with guys you BARELY know. And certainly not with someone who IS not your long-term BF. That you are NOt looking to just hook up and chat. That you ARE looking to get to know him and see if you 2 can be a good fit as an actual couple.
My advice? I think I'd give this one a pass. A HARD pass, honesty.
If you are looking to date look for someone local. Someone, you can spend more time with IN person to get to know BEFORE sex. WAY before sex. I'd also take a LOT longer than 3 dates before sex or deciding to date.
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