A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband told me yesterday he and his co-worker have had feelings for each other since August 2018.His co-worker's 34, married with a 5-year-old son, and considers my husband his "soulmate" and claims the feeling's mutual!We're American expats in Spain, and his co-worker's another American expat too... his employer's American.I'm planning to divorce him, BUT we have a 13-year-old daughter to consider.The big problem is, of course, COVID etc. making the affair an online rather than physical (although I think it's been a physical one) and I don't think my husband's ever thought of what the reality will be like, two households, two kids, two mothers-in-law, two ex-wives, four sets of grandparents, am I right?We have lived in Spain since April 2017 and are being recalled back to the US in August 2021, yes, that includes the co-worker who's in the thirty people who are being shifted from one department to a new merged department for the employer.I've never really had to deal with cheating etc. but same-sex cheating etc. - the same issues of bills, dirty underwear, laundry, blocked toilet, PTA meetings etc. still apply?I'm feeling emotionally fraught and worried my marriage was a sham, even though my husband claimed "I'M ONLY ATTRACTED TO HIM, NOT OTHER GUYS!! AND MY CO-WORKER SAYS THE SAME THING!"I don't know how to cope, not got a great support network, other than a few American expats residing here, and three Japanese couples who live here while their husbands are on assignment temporarily (for a different company, a Japanese employer) and I'm stuck in an expat bubble; the locals didn't really seem to like us as a family, for some reason (and this applies to the small American expat community here).I'm not sure if they'll be able to help and one of the Japanese couples returns to Tokyo in three weeks time.I want to move back to Chicago in August, although where we lived was well outside the city limits, but close enough to the center that it was like a 11-minute drive if you take Google Maps as useful.Much as I love Spain I do miss Chicago, before we moved to Spain in 2017, we were transplants in Texas for my husband's job. My worry is how I'll fit in, as I've not lived there since November 2014 when we moved to Texas.I can't really work due to visa issues, much as I want to, so I've had to deal with depression at times, although it's not to the level of serious depression.I'm wondering how to cope with three big things; the affair, lookng after my daughter and getting a job post-COVID, although I don't want to take a McJob, as my background's in marketing and I'm over-qualified for McDonald's.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2021): You handle one thing at a time. First, you have to process the fact your husband is gay. He's lying that it's just this one particular guy. The fact is, he is capable of being attracted to another man...period! He may have romantic feelings for this particular man; but he has to be attracted to men in order to want this one so much he'd leave his family!!! His closet door has fallen off the hinges, lies are pointless once you're out!
There's no such thing as being an uno-homo! You are gay if you are a man attracted to men physically, sexually, and emotionally. Yet you may also be attracted to women in the same way. If you are a man exclusively attracted to other men, you are a homosexual. If you are attracted to both men and women in varying degrees; you are considered bisexual, but that's homosexual as well. Otherwise, you're heterosexual.
He still could have loved you when you first got married, and even up to now; but he hid the other side of himself. Now he has met a man he's willing to give-up everything for. Feel free to consider him gay. He didn't suddenly wakeup one-day, and felt he had a hankering to be with a man!
Ignore anything else he tries to sell you. He's leaving his wife and daughter for another man!!! His credibility is shot to hell. He is still trying to save some face by trying to convince you he's honed-in exclusively on one guy; so he can still claim heterosexuality as his default sexual-orientation. A guy who has sex with other men can't claim that, not once he has crossed the line!
Stop trying to be politically correct. Allow yourself to deal with the reality of the situation; so you can get your head straight. Get angry! Allow yourself to express your true-feelings; and purge all the negative or painful emotions building-up inside of you.
Tell him exactly how you feel, and stop pretending you want to support the man who has betrayed you. You have to deal with all the suppressed emotions first; then forgiveness will be real. Not some pretentious face you put-on for the public to look some a pristine martyr. I know you're humiliated and distraught, who wouldn't be?
You should first situate yourself before you return to the US. You may not land a job immediately; so you've got to find some warm-hearted relatives who might be willing to give you and your daughter temporary shelter. You may be over-qualified for a job, but if you have no other prospects; a job is a job! A paycheck is a paycheck!
You need to get your legal ducks in a row for child-support and alimony. It is likely you'll need to file and settle your divorce on American soil. That's where you'll be living, and hopefully working, by the end of 2021.
Don't try to look at the entire picture at once; because you'll overwhelm yourself. That will stun and paralyze you.
Pick the least of your worries, and tackle those things first. Then gradually work your way up to the big things. Divorce is inevitable, but it's impractical and confusing trying to swing legal matters between two countries. You'll need to wait until you get an address and dependable place of contact. You can consult with an American divorce attorney anytime.
Accept that the marriage is over; whether it was for another woman, or a man. He has made it clear, he wants to be with the other man. I don't know him; so I cannot judge him, but I think his head is in the clouds. It's as if he hasn't assessed all the ramifications and consequences. He can't, when he's thinking with his penis.
The reality will hit him, when he's actually going through divorce court proceedings, and he realizes he has to pay child-support and alimony; being your sole source of income. He won't like that; because suddenly he has to shift all attention from his boyfriend to his divorce. It can still be an amicable and civil process for the sake of your daughter. There will be contentious moments, especially when it comes to finances. That's the most confrontational aspect of a broken marriage, next to child-custody. It doesn't seem child-custody will be a problem, but you'll cross that bridge when you get there. You'll never know, until you're facing the issue head-on.
If you have a foundation in faith and prayer. Seek some spiritual comfort through worship and prayer at your chosen church or faith ministry. You also have to seek and gain spiritual strength to deal with these kinds of complicated situations. Nothing is bigger than God and Jesus, if you are a Christian believer. God will stand by you, and guide you through it all. He'll carry the heavy stuff. If you're not a believer, you will have to depend on science and the law. You should see a doctor to monitor your physical and mental health; while you undergo this heartbreak and emotional trauma.
Believer or unbeliever, I pray for many of the posters who come to DC. Your heart has been broken, and you have so many things you must face on your own. You will survive it all, and you will be triumphant in the end.
The good Lord will see to that; and I'm putting in a good word for you and your daughter. I'm even praying for him, because he has betrayed his family. He has to soften his heart to realize that this isn't all about his happiness. He has been selfish, unfaithful, and he has broken his vows to you. He wasn't honest about who he is from the beginning. In spite of his claims to the contrary. What matters is what happens from here on. You daughter is the top priority through all of this.
Don't worry, sweetheart. God's got this, and you'll figure it out. Take it one day at a time, and deal with the smallest problems first, and work your way up. Give thanks for what blessings you have, and pray for peace and strength. God be with you!
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