A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My wife of 14 years left me for another man, the divorce was final 8/28/08. She left on 5/2/07 and took our 12 year old son, as I expected. Since then my relationship with my son has deteriorated to the point that we haven't talked in over two months. At first we would talk 3-4 times a day, he would call or I would call him. Then he stopped calling, but I continued to call him or pick him up for the weekend. Then he stopped wanting to come over or to see me at all.Soon he stopped calling and I would call him, but he would only answer questions. His answers were always single word responses.He always told me he loved me, now he never says it. When I call to make plans for a weekend, he always says "I already have plans for that weekend". I have caught him lying twice about plans he has already made. In our state you have to attend "parenting classes" during the divorce process or you will never get visitation with your child(ren). I attended my class on 7/14/08 and met the doctor during a break. The classes are given by a psychiatrist. After talking a short while she gave me her card and asked me to call if I had any questions. In early September I called her and told of the change in my son and our relationship. She suggested that I call my son and tell him that I love him and discuss the situation and tell him "I won't be calling you anymore if you don't want to talk with me. You are old enough to be responsible for calling me when and if you want to talk". I did so. He has never called. I missed him so much that I began to text him messeges on his cell phone. I told him that if he doesn't want to talk, he can text me and we can keep in touch that way. We text each other for four days, then he quit responding. WHAT DO I DO NOW???
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (30 October 2008):
 I would call a family meeting with you, your son and his mother about everything that you have been discussing. The psychiatrist meant well, but I'm quite sure that she/he hasn't had a 12 year old boy in the house. I'm afraid they tend to be very caught up with themselves and quite foul for the most part, but they do grow out of it. The three (or 4 if you include Mom's new guy) of you need to be all together while you all come up with reasonable expectations for visitation rights, and so that you are all on the same page, with NO surprises. That way, there is less wiggle room for your son to play the two of you off of each other, i.e. - "...but Mom said I could". Draw up a schedule and stick to it. Your son is responsible for discussing any change of plans during his time with you, and you have to be the one responsible for keeping any of his commitments that may come up that are important. We do become glorified taxis at this age, FYI. This is the nature of a budding teenagers existence, their social life tends to take over your own. Even so, last minute changes should not overrule what you have all agreed on. I'm sure that the result, silence, that you got after the doctors advice wasn't what she/he expected would happen, but it has. I am afraid that if you leave this situation as it is, it will become a pattern, and it will not resolve itself. Your FUTURE relationship with your son will suffer, when he is 19 and 26!!! Having a relationship with a surly 12 year old isn't fun, but it's important that you stick it out a fulfill your parental responsibilities, with your ex's co-operation and help. Don't be surprised if you hear similar stories from his Mom, BTW. ;^) Good Luck getting things back on track!
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