A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello. My gran passed away about a fortnight ago, coming up 3 weeks and I'm finding it really hard. She was only 65, but she had smoked all her life and in the end it was that which killed her. She knew she was dying right up until the end and I was lucky that I got the chance to say goodbye to her. I don't think it has properly sunk in yet - I think it will really hit me hard around Christmas time when I usually go visit her and take her some presents. I haven't had a proper cry about it, but there are times, usually at night when I'm lying in bed when it just hits me and I get really upset.What I'm finding really hard though is since she died I've been really scared about other people dying and it gets me quite upset. I suffer from post trauamtic stress disorder because I was in a sexually abusive relationship and it tends to come in little bursts and then goes away. My gran dying seems to have triggered it all off again and I'm having problems with thinking morbid thoughts an then getting realy paranoid that they will actually happen. I'm feeling very vulnerable and childlike and wanting to be nar my mum a lot of the time. I just don't know what to do. It's not like me at all. I'm usually very confident and independent and now I'm finding that the slightest little stress, usually at work, sends me off. I feel like Im just falling apart inside.My mum has a lot of illnesses to do with her weight - shes diabetic, she has thyroid problems, she is on medication for this, that and the next thing, and I'm scared she'll die next. I don't know what I'll do without my mum. It like everytime I speak to her, shes got to go to the dr about something else and I'm worried she'll die young like my gran (her mum). What's worse is I am scared about my Dad dying too. My parents are seperated and my Dad lives up the other end of the country. I still go visit when I can but I worry what if he dies too? He never wears a seatbelt and drives pretty fast - I worry he'll crash and kill himself. Who will pay ofr the funeral? How will I cope without him? Silly thoughts but they are taking over my head. I've suffered from PTSD for long enoguh to know this is all just paranoia and that it's all in my head but it's still affecting me.Then I get really scarey thoughts about if my mum and dad died, would I really want to be here? I think about killing myself peacefully with an overdose of sleeping pills. Its a strange thought but it doesn't scare me. But that fact it doesnt scare me, worries me. It can't be normal. I have thought about suicide in the past but never actually gone through with it, mainly because I have always thought about the effect it would have on my mum and my dad and my aunt, all of whom I am very close to. I worry when they aren't here anymore, I won't want to be here either. This is also really different to what I usually am like. I'm very ambitious, I'm studying history at university and I want to do well in life. Right now, I just feel like everything I have worked hard for (I have quite a good job), is just not worth it anymore. I keep worrying that people around me will die and I get so paranoid about every little thing. Paranoid about something bad happening to me, like I get stabbed (I've recently moved out and live on a university campus in halls) and the affect that would have on my mum and dad and my aunt, paranoid about my mum dying - I'm so worried about that. I don't know what I'd do.I need help. :( My grans death has triggered off a lot of scarey thoughts about death and I know it's not normal. Since then, I've also started sleepwalking and having strange dreams where I only half wake up and it takes me ages to convince myself it's only a dream. I suffered from these sleep disorders when I had my really bad PTSD a couple of years back. Please help.
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ambition, at work, christmas, moved out, sleeping pills, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (30 October 2008):
 It's normal in these situations to think about leaving this world too. It's also normal to not be scare of the suicidal thought. Reason being, you're in control. You're fearing what you don't have control over. Natural death, or from your dreams, unnatural sudden death.
You have a lot going on. PTSD, plus the steps from loosing someone close to you. This is a real difficult time for you, but you must remain strong to move forward and overcome these obstacles.
There is a form of therapy which is becoming increasingly popular. It's also big in your country. It's called NLP or neuro linguistics programming. I highly recommend this for you because it works wonders with PTSD. Using this method will also help with your fears.
I hope all works out for you. Take care, and seek out this help.
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