A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My mum passed away a few years ago and although I feel I've come to terms with it and that my life has been able to move on for a couple of years now it seems to be giving me some issues. Whenever it inevitably come up with a guy and I have to explain it while I'm dating things seem to always go ery downhill after I mention it. I mean im no emotional wreck about it and I can talk about it I just chose not to as it tends to be make the other person feel very awkward but sometimes it is inevitable. Why do guys gwt scared off by this and what can I do ?
View related questions:
move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (7 July 2012):
I’m afraid we live in a society where people don’t like to talk about death. It’s a mystery to me why: a beginning and an end are probably the only things we are guaranteed in life. They probably feel awkward, and it’s easier to distance themselves from it than have to deal with the news. They may feel like they need to say some kind words but don’t know what to say. People also often run away from something that they fear themselves: aside from facing up to their own mortality, if they’ve never experienced the loss of a parent, they imagine that it would be so awful that they could never cope with it. They therefore feel that they can’t understand you because you’ve gone through something life-changing that they can’t understand. Of course you should try to reassure them that you have come to terms with it and that although you’ll never forget your Mum you have been able to get on with your life and accept what has happened. That might allow them to better process it and respond more positively, rather than just ducking out. But If they don’t, then it gives you a clear indication that, however well-meaning the guy might be, he’s not able to cope with the rough and the smooth in life, or the downs that come with the ups. So as has been said already in another answer, this can work to your advantage in finding a real keeper! One who, if things progress, will be able to support you emotionally even if what you’ve gone through is something he’s yet to experience himself, whether that’s the sad loss of your Mother, or any hardships in the future. And one final thing: a guy that’s worthy of you will realise what a big deal it is to share something so personal early on, and respect you for it.
I wish you all the very best.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 July 2012):
 It's just that for most people it is a too heavy topic so early on.
But I doubt that this is really giving you a problem. More likely it is giving you a benefit: you get to week out the undesirables faster.
...............................
A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (7 July 2012):
 The thing that I am thinking about is what would I say in response to that. Being early on in a relationship I probably would just stutter and feel really awkward unless there was some relatable event. I understand that you are comfortable with it but unless the person you are dating brings up your mom it will most likely be a bit much for them if you bring it up first.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2012): You need to share this information only with a guy who deserves to hear it. And I think that although it is a big part of your emotional history, you need to be careful about not bringing it up too early, as another's grief can make someone feel awkward. You really need the kind of guy who understands, and will support you - but at your age, there are less of those around.
Good luck with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 July 2012):
 I am guessing if you are only newly dating a guy and you explain to them that your mother has passed away I guess that this puts some fear in to them that you are an emotional wreck and you need support and I guess some men just get scared and do not want to be brought in to that. I know it sounds shallow but some men might feel like they don't want to get serious with a girl if she is grieving for a loved one. If guys run away over something like this well honey it is there loss and you are better off away from guys like that anyway.
...............................
|
