A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was married for 19 years, no children, knew my ex for 22 years. He filed for divorce and i was not aware of anyone else on the scene. I got to hear about divorce not from him but solicitors email to me... I returned home to a half empty house. He never spoke to me again. It has been as if I never existed and he launched a cruel and bewildering attack on me during what ended up to be a very quick divorce. He married again 18 mths after he filed. I only found that out by accident he never told me himself. People say to me he was obviously cheating. All I know is he has moved on at lightening speed. I am taking longer to heal. The whole process took its toll and I have difficult days even now. Other family members, my mother specifically, continues to bring the topic up and discusses it with others which makes it worse for me....but am I too slow and should I have moved on myself by now or be 'over it' ?
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male
reader, M Proops +, writes (27 December 2013):
I'm not surprised you're taking long to heal,to be divorced out of the blue without a word or discussion.What a complete feeble coward he was to do such a thing.I would not like to associate with such a person.Don't waste any time grieving about such an a**hole he's just not worth it.Good luck for the future.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2013): You've gotten lots of good advice. I just want to stress that I know it seems like he moved on really fast but he didn't. He had loads of time to move on, and at the end of that he initiated the divorce.So basically he's been slowly moving on for a while. Allow yourself the right to do the same. 3
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2013): I was married for 18 years and my husband came home one day and just said the immortal words 'I want out'. He left that night and never spoke to me again unless via a solicitor. He married again within a year. I feel your pain. This happened some 5 years ago to me but even now I have good days and bad days. I think I wanted an answer as to why this happened to me but I never got one.
Although you don't realise it now you are moving on solely by time just passing. Soon you will think about the situation less and less as work and other things fill your void. I don't think it matters whether he was cheating or not he just didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. It is still raw and a shock and everyone moves on at their own pace. Indeed some people never move on and this is mainly because they don't want to. I suggest you ask your mother to not mention the subject because it is painful to you at the moment. I promise you I was the most hysterical un-independent woman in the world and had never been without him, didn't know how to put petrol in a car, or write a cheque but now I can do everything by myself and while I might not like it am no longer devasted and nor do I really think about him at all anymore. Treat yourself kindly, gain comfort in doing things you personally enjoy even if that is just watching tv and soon things will improve and you will find yourself again.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (26 December 2013):
 Aw honey...I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. As Aunty Em has said, some people really can just treat a person in this cold cruel manner. It seems amazing, but we know that it does happen. I have never understood it myself but I guess some people just absolutely cannot/will not deal with the end of a relationship and rather than sit down and talk about it, they run away. Its cruel and also being a coward.
You've heard of people that have just up and left and "disappeared" only to find out years later they just wanted out and a new life?? They cut all contact with their entire family/friends and its just like they disappeared off the face of the earth?? To me, it is the supreme act of being selfish. The people left behind are hurt, confused and left wondering what happened...Its really sad.
I think you have to accept that your ex didn't care about giving you closure and you have to find a way to move on. I think we all feel better if we can get some sort of closure but it just doesn't happen for many of us.
For what its worth, I think its absolutely horrible the way that he treated you. Does it really matter at this point if he was cheating on you though? Is the answer really going to make you feel better one way or the other? And the truth is...no it probably won't.
Of course you are hurting and I"m afraid it will always hurt you to some degree, no matter how much time goes by. But in time, the pain will lessen if you chose to let it. 22 years is a very long time to be with someone, so of course it isn't going to just fade away over night. You have got to find a way to let go though so that you can heal.
You are not alone. I myself have had a 12 year relationship just end and am really feeling the pain and the loss. I had to practically beg for him to confirm with me that things were over and I at least got some closure, but it was very vague and I certainly didn't get the answers that I wanted. It hurts..it hurts like hell. He became very cold and cruel and I was left like you..feeling very confused and hurt and not understanding what on earth I did wrong.
All I can tell you is that you have to take it one step at a time..day by day, sometimes even hour by hour. You have to love yourself enough to say "Ok, its over and I have to go on". I still cry, get angry, and sometimes just think I can't go on because I loved this man so much, but you know what? He obviously didn't love me anymore to treat me so badly. And do we want someone like that in our life? Wasting our time, our energy? NO...WE DON'T!!!
Have you considered going to a counselor? Someone that you can talk to and won't judge you?? Perhaps they can help you walk through the bad times and make you feel better.
I dont think your mother is trying to hurt you, I would imagine she is just as confused as you are and very worried. No mother likes to see their child in pain.
My relationship ended 2 months ago and I still can't stand the hear the man's name. Sometimes my son will start talking about him, and its just like a knife going into my heart. I know my son doesn't mean to bring up the pain and I have to gently remind him and steer the conversation away from the hurtful subject.
Baby steps sweetie...one foot in front of the other. Some days are going to be more rough than others...Christmas was really bad for me, I knew it would be. I got through it though, just as I will every day after. And you will too, if you let yourself. Why don't you try to take up a new hobby? Look up old friends? Do something you've always wanted to do but were a little hesitant? Focus on you and what makes you happy. Surround yourself with things and people that make you smile. I always suggest volunteering at a hospital, or animal shelter. Remember what you do have in your life. There is always someone worse off than we are.
One of my friends was in an accident at Thanksgiving and is now paralyzed from the waist down. They don't think she will ever walk again. You would think she would be absolutely devastated right? She sits in her hospital bed and cracks jokes and tries to make all of us feel better! She is absolutely incredible. She is just amazing. I look at her and think "What do I have to feel sorry about?" If she can go on, then so can I.
I know you are hurting, but it is time to let go. He has moved on, and didn't give a damn how you felt. So he isn't worth your time. The new year is coming, why not make a plan to make your life happier and better?? Remember the bottom line is to be good to yourself and take care of yourself. No one can do that but you.
*HUGS*..I promise it will get better..if you let it.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (26 December 2013):
 It's hard to imagine that some marriages end like this but we know they do. The length of the marriage or it's content seems insignificant when one of the partners decides they want to leave and be with someone else.
Some will play fair and some will be downright cruel and dismissive...and it seems this is how your husband has treated you. It is a massive shock to the system when this happens...but it does happen.
Not sure if your husband left you provided for or if you were able to get your own place (or do you live with your mother?) It takes quite a while to get back on your feet and you will struggle with the concept of what has happened to you.
How quickly you recover will depend on the support you have around you and if your mother is raising the issue and it's upsetting you...you need to tell her to stop.
There is no time frame and at times you will feel like you are wading through cement. It's easy to feel overwhelmed but eventually you will begin to find a way through.
Try to think about what you need to make your life a little better...a new job or project, to get in shape, to find new friends, to move to a different area, anything that diverts your attention and is a personal goal that only you will benefit from. Each step will lead you into your new life and although your heart and mind may be clinging to your old life (the marriage, you slowly need to accept that life has now finished and something else awaits you.
I have been through divorce myself and you never really get 'over it', it just becomes less important as time goes by and the harsher it was for you, the longer it may take so be kind to yourself.
Your mum probably brings it up because she is upset for you and it may be her way of showing you she is on your side, but it can be annoying when someone keeps raising an issue that you'd rather forget. In a way, this is your heart and mind trying to let go, thats why it's so irksome when others talk about it...so I think you are on the right path.
You can change nothing your ex has done or said but you can control how much significance you now give it or how much you let it hurt you. Sometimes we just have to say 'enough is enough'
New year is less than a week away, make it the year that you let go of the past, make it the year that you make progress towards your own personal happiness because you do own the potential to make things good for yourself again.
Stay strong and best of luck to you xxx
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