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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm sorry if there are more questions like this, but I used the search feature and it didn't seem to work.This may seem like a petty issue, but it's making me feel self conscious. I've always felt my body is inferior, considering you always get the same female beauty ideal shoved in your face since the day you're born. I don't live up to it. I'm pear shaped, normal weight, but I feel fat because of my disproportion.My boyfriend is a wonderful man. He's truly great and he's always trying to build me up in every aspect. I shared with him early in the relationship that I was self conscious about my body, and he said my body was perfect. He said he didn't like big boobs, nor too skinny women. I felt good and believed him.That is until the other day when he was showing me something in his computer and suddenly I noticed a strange folder. I asked him about it and he kinda brushed it off but seemed nervous, so I asked again and he opened it. It was full of pictures of glamour models (think Lucy Pinder), Kim Kardashian and some porn videos of busty skinny women.I tried to stay calm and he apologized. I asked him if he truly liked my body and he said he did. Then I asked him why he'd said he didn't like skinny women with huge boobs and he said he didn't want to hurt me, but yes, he likes huge boobs, and yes, he likes skinny women.Now I don't know if he actually likes my body or if he's just settling. I mean, he lied. And I have several male friends who, even though they are in "loving" relationships have sometimes confided in me that if they could make their girlfriends have a different body they would. Some have even cheated.I mean, we were friends for a long time before we dated. There IS an emotional/intellectual connection that is of course much stronger... but for me, sexual attraction is extremely important, and now I don't feel sexually attractive. I don't feel like having sex with him. Plus, even though he thought he was doing the right thing, and even though I appreciate that he didn't want to hurt me, I feel betrayed.What I mean is, of course men can compartmentalize and he could well love me for my personality and intellect, that he finds that connection much stronger and that a man doesn't need to be attracted to a woman to have a hard on and have sex with her. Just because he's with me doesn't mean he finds me the sexiest. It means he loves my personality and maybe he's settling physically.My ex had already planted a seed of insecurity in my head, he was a lot into porn and plastic women and always told me I should have surgery and lose weight My boyfriend seemed so much different in that regard, he always said he didn't like plastic, stereotypical women, that he prefers thick, average women, that my body was ideal... but his fantasies show otherwise. Now I wonder if he mentally fucks these women when he watches their videos or looks at their photos, if he wished my body was more like theirs.I don't read romance novels nor do I wish he looked different. Sure, I find some other guys attractive but I don't use any type of material to masturbate to. I don't get wet looking at half naked men, I don't have pictures of them in my PC. So in this case, I can't make a proper analogy to "get it" more. I just wish I wasn't so insecure. I'm pretty sure most of you will tell me I'm insecure and shouldn't care. Believe me, if I knew how to turn off these emotions I wouldn't be here. I don't know what to do. I feel ugly, disappointed and betrayed.
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female
reader, Justthefacts  +, writes (9 July 2015):
Sorry Tisha I realise you addressed his motivation for lying was to protect her however every man who wants to keep porn from a woman can assume she has self image problems if this is the case and use that to justify lying
In this case the OP doesn but I can tell you of many times I've seen women who say they feel fine about their bodies but hve a problem with porn being labelled as insecure or having low self esteem
I suggest that hiding porn is usually done to protect the man when he knows that be risks losing the woman of he were honest
This is extremely manipulative and leads to many of the hurt posts we see
A
female
reader, Justthefacts +, writes (9 July 2015):
Totally agree Tisha on what you say . Only one point where you say that her bf holds no responsibility . He does ,,, why? For LYiNG !!!
If he were honest in the beginning then perhaps she would have decided not to get involved with him but he should have given her that choice instead of misleading her and that's the part that upset me the most with some men who choose not to tell because a woman might react badly and he might lose her
That's HER choice and he effectively takes it away
But other than that I actually think we agree on most of this topic
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 July 2015):
 Ok, justthefacts, we have a very clear understanding about your concerns with porn. I respect your opinion on this, and agree on many points.
However, in this particular post, our OP stated these things:
I've always felt my body is inferior (This has nothing to do with her partner's use of porn. This predates that use and apparently goes back a long time as she states she's ALWAYS felt her body is inferior.)
I'm pear shaped, normal weight, but I feel fat because of my disproportion (So despite being normal weight, she feels FAT because of what she terms her DISPROPORTION. Again, nothing to do with porn, this is her assessment of her own body, with no one else involved)
Her partner "always trying to build me up in every aspect" which suggests he knows she feels the need for personal support.
"I shared with him early in the relationship that I was self conscious about my body, and he said my body was perfect. He said he didn't like big boobs, nor too skinny women. I felt good and believed him." Her body IS perfect. He knows she's self-conscious and unhappy with her body and he lied to make her feel better about herself. A mistake? Perhaps. But this is not a guy who is telling her she's deformed or odd or weird. Instead, he realizes she has body dysmorphia and is trying his very clueless best to deal with it. If he said he liked looking at big boobs, or any boobs at all, what would have happened then?
"I asked him if he truly liked my body and he said he did. Then I asked him why he'd said he didn't like skinny women with huge boobs and he said he didn't want to hurt me, but yes, he likes huge boobs, and yes, he likes skinny women.: He likes her body. Why did he lie? Because he didn't want to hurt her. Is that so awful? So bad? To try to comfort a woman who doesn't like her own body?
The rest of our OPs post is speculation on his feelings and dragging in what other men have done or not done and has no basis in his reality. It's now her imagination.
This man can't win for losing. He tried to support his insecure girlfriend and instead has been made the scapegoat for her imagined inadequacies. I feel sorry for him.
As for all the other men and all the other women? Well, we are dealing with this OP and her relationship. He doesn't sound like a porn hound, ignoring her or telling her to get surgery, or being an asshole in other ways. His big mistake was that he lied to try to protect her feelings.
I get that you are upset with porn and all the troubles it causes but in this case, I think our OP had a problem with her own body image even before he showed up. That he won't be able to fix unless she decides to deal with it in a positive way.
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A
female
reader, Justthefacts +, writes (9 July 2015):
The issue that many people fail to understand is that nobody ever stops to tell a person make it female that their liking porn means there is something wrong with them !But the minute a woman says she doesn't like porn and doesn't want a relationship with a man who uses it ( even if he lies) Those who support porn automatically tell her she has some problem .self esteem is complex but anyone who has studied some psychology will know that an importbat part of how we develop self esteem is how we see ourselves reflected back in other eyes . So yes , it's internal HOWEVER , outside influences and particularly our partners can CONtRIBUTEThis is why abused woman or women who have been degraded forAn period of time in a martiage often have years of work to do to rebuild self esteemFor SOME women, a partners porn use and lying also can CONTRIBUTE to this !Does she have a right to make him stop ? NoDoes she have a right to be informed and make that a personal deal breaker ? Yes!!!! Absolutely IF someone is pro porn and sees it as causing no problem FOR THEM it is important that they understand this is not the case for every women and that doesn't make those women wrong IN ANY WAY Plenty of research out there showing that MANY women are adversely affected by their partners porn use . If you not then that's great but many are!!!!!!!http://m.livescience.com/20684-porn-relationships.htmlhttp://www.lifehacker.com.au/2014/03/study-says-youre-better-off-not-hiding-your-porn-from-your-partner/
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female
reader, Justthefacts +, writes (9 July 2015):
I also never said that her boyfriend said that!I stated that the issues for SOME women is when the partner claims not to like something and then we find that his porn is exclusively that !!!!!!This may not be an issue for you . You and many other women may feel entirely comfortable with a partner who collects images of women who all look similar to each other but different the woman they are withBut please have enough respect for your sisters to realise we do not all feel that way !!!Her bf may or may not feel the porn star body is the IDEAL . She willNot know without getting more information . However she expresses that she is concerned about this because the images he collected all the porn star type and nothing like her which I totally think gives her a valid reason to be concerned You and any other woman who agrees with pirn use and does not feel violated by being lied to and having a man APPEAR to holdThe porn star body as the ideal are totally valid in feeling that way but please respect that women who do not feel the same as you are also valid in their feelings and it is unfair to simply put it all down to self esteem There may or may not be self esteem issues but either way there are many of us who feel this way who have a healthy self esteem and DONT need to be told our feelings are wrong simply because most of the world is happy to embrace the pornifies culture
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 July 2015):
I don't see where her boyfriend said he held the porn star body as an ideal? Where did you read that, "Justthefacts"?
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A
female
reader, Justthefacts +, writes (9 July 2015):
'Why is it so aweful if a man finds another body type attractive'
It's not!!! It's when they hold the pirn body as the ideal Thqt is the problem! When a wan sees his porn of women that are nothing like her and all have commonalities that she doesn't that make her queation things . It's when he clearly would prefer her to have another body type !
That is aomething SOME women would like to know before getting involved and having sex because personally if a man is wishing I looked like another woman or thinks my body is lacking the characteristics he desires and dreams of as the ideal then why the hell would I want to have sex with him . It is deceptive and a it makes me feel used !!!
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female
reader, Justthefacts +, writes (9 July 2015):
Once again the point has been missed entirely. It's not about expecting men not to find other women attractuve . It's this mentality that s many seem to have that the porn star body is the ideal!!! A man will claim not to like porn then she finds huge collectionOf women all fitting that typucal porn look . As for not knowing any men more focused on porn than their wives ? Surely you have read the many many posts about exactly that . ? The men who criticise their wives after baby bodies for having stretch marks and not looking like this ideal Personally my husband did exactly that . To the point our therapist suggested it was unhealthy for me to stay in the marriage . I left and have a good understanding of what the op is feeling as a result Interestingly out therapist did mentiom she was working with many couples where the men were holding the wives against unrealistic ideal which she felt was fueled by porn use When you have another twenty years life experinces and you see that you sacrifice so much only for your man to continue lusting after a twenty something year old you may feel different Sure , I agree the boyfriend is not totally responsible for her aelf image issues however he IS responsible for lying ! And he has created questions for her by being sneaky and deceptive
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 July 2015):
If she doesn't like her own body, how will she ever believe a man who likes her body just as it is?
And why is it so awful if a man or woman does find another body type attractive? It doesn't mean they dislike the body of the person they are with.
Attraction and commitment and bonding is more than a specific body type.
"No need to over simply something many women feel." ??? What does that mean?
"The op makes a good point and whilst she does feel bad about her body many women want to be with a man who finds THEIR body type the ideal .
That doesn't mean that we expect him not to find other women attractuve , just just that we don't want to be With a man who things the porn star body is ideal!!!" Who has put words in this man's mouth? So he does like big boobs. He obviously likes boobs, most men like boobs, big, small, in-between. Did he say he found the porn body ideal? I didn't read that in her post. I think our OP's real problem is with her own relationship with her body. She said she's never liked it. There is no way any man can fix that, if she doesn't believe she's attractive.
"Surely if men have the right to consume that type of image on the level they do women also have the right not to want a man like that????" Did she tell her boyfriend that porn is off the table for her?
"Sorry OP if that didn't explain it as well as you wished but I'm tired of being told women must accept mens porn and if they want the sexual energy and deaire channeled towards them? If they want to be the ideal body type yontheir partner that they are being unfair" I didn't say she had to accept his porn. I was pointing out that her own energies are directed toward self-hatred and disliking her own body.
"It's such a double standard and it's not wonder so many women are suffering poor body image and eating disorders when everywhere we look men seem obsessed with the porn star body" If our OP is not consuming women's magazine nor watching porn then how is it she is suffering poor body image. While I agree there is too much emphasis on female looks, I don't see that this is her boyfriend's fault and he's not the one who created her poor self-image. That was present before they began dating.
"It's totally unfair that women are surrounded by a world that treats them this way then told they are the ones with the problem." What I've learned is the the world is totally unfair. There are those who have and those who have not. LIfe is unfair. We can try to change the world but often the issue lies within our approach to the world.
"Sure she has self esteem issues but this contributes for many women! What responsibility do men have to be honest with women and say ' hey I think porn stars are way hotter but I'll have sex with you , you can have my babies ( so I can think your body is even eat less hot compared to them ) and you can wash my socks whilst all the time im jerkinv off to a 20 year old !!!! Even when we are 40, 50 etc???" I don't recollect her boyfriend saying that to her. You are putting words in his mouth.
"It's time people started to acknoeldge that not all women find this a fair deal and many are feeling royally p......d off that we are being lied to and later finding out that's exacfly what these men we sacrificed for are doing" Then we need to be clear with the men in our lives. The men I know for the most part are staying faithful to their wives and vice versa. I'm not sure I know any men who are so focused on porn that they lose their marriages or relationships.
"Society need to start making men be responsible for telling women exactly who they are and what they like." Okay, now we are painting all men with a great big brush saying all men are all hooked on porn star bodies and no woman should ever believe a man ever when he says he likes hers even though it's not a porn body.
Anon, if you feel this strongly about it, please start up a foundation or a movement but do not put the onus for this woman's dislike for her own body on this particular boyfriend. He is not the one who caused her to dislike her own body. That comes from something within, and that should be addressed by a professional. You seem to be suggesting that she wait until society straightens out these evil men who like x y or z type of body. She'll be waiting a lifetime for every single man to be brought to heel and told that his viewing of female bodies that are not 'real' needs to stop now.
Until she loves and accepts and treasures her own body, she will never trust that a man does as well. Pear-shaped or apple-shaped or whatever-shaped. She can't be loved until she loves herself. An ages old truism.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2015): So he lied to try and protect your feelings. For most people that wouldn't be a very big deal.You seem SOO invested in how people perceive your body. Until residential MRI's or something become available you probably won't be able to tell what REALLY floats a guy's boat.It also might be the case that a woman's personality or something else is more important to your BF than her body.Your BF sounds like a good guy to me and you better be careful what you wish for-- you might end up with a true-pear-lover who is otherwise quite a jerk!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2015): No need to over simply something many women feel. The op makes a good point and whilst she does feel bad about her body many women want to be with a man who finds THEIR body type the ideal . That doesn't mean that we expect him not to find other women attractuve , just just that we don't want to be With a man who things the porn star body is ideal!!!Surely if men have the right to consume that type of image on the level they do women also have the right not to want a man like that???? Sorry OP if that didn't explain it as well as you wished but I'm tired of being told women must accept mens porn and if they want the sexual energy and deaire channeled towards them? If they want to be the ideal body type yontheir partner that they are being unfair It's such a double standard and it's not wonder so many women are suffering poor body image and eating disorders when everywhere we look men seem obsessed with the porn star body It's totally unfair that women are surrounded by a world that treats them this way then told they are the ones with the problem . Sure she has self esteem issues but this contributes for many women! What responsibility do men have to be honest with women and say ' hey I think porn stars are way hotter but I'll have sex with you , you can have my babies ( so I can think your body is even eat less hot compared to them ) and you can wash my socks whilst all the time im jerkinv off to a 20 year old !!!! Even when we are 40, 50 etc???It's time people started to acknoeldge that not all women find this a fair deal and many are feeling royally p......d off that we are being lied to and later finding out that's exacfly what these men we sacrificed for are doingSociety need to start making men be responsible for telling women exactly who they are and what they like.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 July 2015):
As you didn't include a flag in your post, I can't link an appropriate site for you to find a therapist in your country. But I would assume you are in an English-speaking country with decent medical care and that you have access to said medical care. So step one is to get into your doctor, your gynecologist, your primary care physician, whoever is the one you will see next and you discuss this problem you have about your body image. And get serious about getting help now, because this attitude you have is going to cause you problems in any relationship going forward.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 July 2015):
Here's a great read from a woman who shut down a body-shamer. Perhaps your ex is out dating now? http://happyplace.someecards.com/dating-relationships/a-woman-got-an-unnecessary-fatshaming-rejection-from-a-tinder-date-but-her-response-is-great/
That's the attitude you want to shoot for. Not "oh I wish my body looked like xyz so men would fancy me sexually." All men are not going to find all women attractive. It's mathematical.
"I've always felt my body is inferior, considering you always get the same female beauty ideal shoved in your face since the day you're born. I don't live up to it. I'm pear shaped, normal weight, but I feel fat because of my disproportion." You're not dispropotioned. You are accepting whatever beauty ideal has been shoved in your face since the day you were born.
I do agree he shouldn't have lied about his use of porn. Is this relationship salvagable? I don't know. Do you want to be with him, even if he does find other women attractive? Expecting him to find you and only you sexually appealing for the entire rest of his life is a bit unrealistic, don't you think? Just because you don't fantasize or apparently even look at other men doesn't mean that he can't be allowed a fantasy life which includes other women.
I do agree that porn can be harmful. But your statement about all men: "But to have grown up seeing porn everywhere, knowing, since my teens that what all guys wanted was a pit or big tits and that's it... Is it so bad to want a guy who prefers my body type?" Here you are painting all men with a pretty damning brush, not all men want the same body. You are projecting your beliefs on all men and that's also unrealistic. You are basing this on your experience with two men, one is the asshole ex who should have been kicked to the curb the instant he suggested you get a boob job and the other is the poor guy you are dating now, who knows you don't like your body all that much and is struggling to know how to deal with that, as there is no way he can fix the stinking thinking on his own, as the brain doing that thinking is yours.
One of my very good friends is a beautiful woman with exactly your body shape. She has small breasts and a lovely pear shaped body and she has a handsome husband who loves her just as she is. There ARE men out there who appreciate your particular physique but you will never meet them because you don't like your own body and from what you wrote here, you never have liked your own body. Until you deal with that issue, all the rest is just pfaffing around.
You have to love yourself, just as you are, first. You can blame society for thrusting all the images in your face but what that fails to take into account is the beautiful women with exactly your body type who love their bodies and who appreciate them for everything they can do. Why are they different? They live in this society, just as we all do. (Just wait until you get older and get some leg veins, wrinkles and thinning skin. Hoo boy, if you want to let that get you down, you'll have no problem! Youth culture is king! But I digress.)
They are different because they embrace their shape, they love their bodies and they don't have unrealistic expectations that every single man on the entire planet will fancy them. And they don't base their self-worth or self-esteem on some idiot's shallow viewpoint.
"I've always felt my body is inferior"
Okay. Right. How about women who are missing breasts? Or limbs? Or have cerebral palsy? Or other conditions? Are they even more "inferior" than you? Newflash: women with missing body parts and life-altering conditions reach happiness and sexual fulfillment with men all the time.
The point I'm trying to make is that you are making this about your boyfriend's porn use. (Which he was stupid to hide.) But it really is about your own complex about your body. Until you deal with that, you'll never be able to reach a happy sex life. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2015): (OP. Sorry I forgot to mention something)
Also for as many 'benefits' as porn may have, there have also Been studies which have proved that men feel more dissatisfied with their oartners bodies after looking at pictures of attractive females, likewise, they also feel bad about themselves because they won't ever be with woman like that.
Sure, it has the same effect on women. It makes you feel bad for not measuring up, and if you look at 'perfect males' it will probably also make you feel dissatisfied with your guy's body.
Anyway, just saying it's not all good when it comes to porn, soft or hardcore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2015): OP again.I know I'm insecure and it's my issue to deal with. If it were that easy though, I wouldn't be struggling not reaching out.But it's hard you know? Maybe you're all older and the porn you had back then wasn't so easily available. But to have grown up seeing porn everywhere, knowing, since my teens that what all guys wanted was a pit or big tits and that's it... Is it so bad to want a guy who prefers my body type?I just wish I could be with a guy who honestly saw me and had that 'zing'. I do understand we don't stop finding other people attractive when we start a relationship, but my boyfriend was always so adamant about not liking "fake" or "stereotypical" women (his exact words, not mine)... I felt I'd found a guy who was different, someone who honestly appreciated an average body. Like if he watched amateur porn I don't think I would've been so upset. Yes, I'm aware there are attractive women in amateur too. But it's not like the whole "glamour" that surrounds the world of well, glamour models. He has mostly pictures, not many videos of sex acts. If it's pictures it's just for their bodies.I've always thought that the car analogy does nothing more than to prove the point further. A man may dream about owning a car he can't afford, and while he's happy with his own cheaper car, that doesn't mean he would trade it in for the luxurious car if he was magically a billionaire.I personally don't like 50 shades of Grey, but have you noticed how a lot of men think it's stupid, how many of them have shamed women for liking it, saying all women want is a guy who mistreats her but has money, etc? In essence, how a lot of guys have felt insecure because turns out women also masturbate and whatever. It's the same. And when the tables are turned, men also feel a little insecure.I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with porn, and I wouldn't expect him to stop. But it was a disappointment. He'd also said he didn't watch it. He lied to protect my feelings, but still, it was deceiving.Why can he dream about big boobs but I can't dream about a guy who PREFERS smaller boobs and a big ass? Like I said, I know insecurity is "my fault". But one can only endure so much. YEARS of hearing I'm sub par, also having been with a porn obsessed ex, I felt so well to be with someone who finally seemed to prefer my body. I'm just saying, anyone would feel a little bad about this kind of disappointment.And for us sex is important. He likes to feel wanted, and I make him feel that way. Likewise, I love feeling wanted. I get off on that. If a guy makes me feel wanted, then I get really turned on. I felt like that with him. But now I don't know if it's true because he lied.Like another poster said, if he'd pleasantly surprised if my body changes and I was still the same woman underneath, then that just proves further that my body is inferior.I just don't understand the point about fantasizing about what you'll never have, it just creates dissatisfaction (which is why I also avoid women's magazines). Also, I don't think he wants to spend his lifetime with Lucy Pinder or whatever. But if he masturbates to her, then he would like to have sex with her (duh), or someone like her. It's great that he feels all warm and fuzzy about me, but I'd also like that he wanted me like he wants her. Because I sure as hell want him more than any other guy (and I don't masturbate to other men).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2015): People with most insecurities already had them. No one planted them there. They were just waiting to come out, and no amount of therapy and pills can change that for some.
Instead of working on them and learning to be thankful for life and grateful for health, people nurture their anxieties and pluck out the eyes of those who adore them in scornful disbelief.
You're going to go from one man to the next with your body-image issues and you'll always blame them. Not yourself; because you hate you, and no one can love you before you love yourself. I am not even going to address the porn issue. It's not worth my time. I help people, and I give each and every post I respond to a lot of thought.
Therapy can't fix the cruelty people bring on themselves; or remove self-loathing within people who blame others for it.
No man will ever be born to match your every expectation; or every desire you'll ever have. There will never be a man born designed to pander and cater to your insecurities; and tiptoe around you to make you feel better than you can make yourself feel. Welcome to the world of the average. Being like the majority of us. Special and unique in many ways, but just people with individual gifts and talents that don't always show on the outside. People of character, generosity, a capacity to love. We aren't always packaged perfectly, but we are grateful to our Maker for being who we are. No man will make you happy to be you. You've never met a man that was everything you've wanted.
Some of us are just regular people. We like who we are, and we are loved for who we are. We're grateful for it.
If he is as good to you have you've said, what's your problem? The fact he's a man? He'll never think like you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2015): He lied and said he didn't like that so there's really no excuse .
Men owe it to women to are least be honest about that because some women might choose not to want a man who is into that and collects that as his porn. Men need to stop lying to women about their pirn preferences and what they think is the ideal womans body so that for women who this matters to we can make an informed choice whether we want to be with them
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2015): Men get off way to easy on this topic . Most average looking women know that gbe body type men idealise ir the pirn staff barbie type ' is in short supply and they have little choice but to settle for an average womans . Yes they still go on dreaming about and wanting the ideal woman. It's totally unfair to women and atops men appreciating the natural beauty in a woman who say has given him year of her life and children
Men continue to consume porn and buy into the myth that the porn star look is true beauty and then expect women to be ok with if. Sure , many women are brainwashed to think this behaviour is acceptable but some women are deep thinker and queation the diacrepency between what men consume for aexual pleasure and the women they have access to and are in relationships with
To the woman who said he would be pleasantly surprised of ahe woke with an ideal body ao long as it's her ! I think that confirms the fears of women like her I
Our personalities may be one part they want but when it comes to the body they think the porb stars is more appealing !!!!! Believe it or not there are some women who would want a man who thinks the average womans body is hotter than a porn stars AND NOT jUST BECAUSE HE HAS ACCEsS TO IT .
When men stop measuring a perfect female body by pert breasts, no signs of previous babies and youth then maybe it will shift !!!!!!
Maybe then us wives and mother will have a chance at being sexier to them than random porn stars
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 July 2015):
Men love you, the whole package, so to speak, not the bits and pieces which pop up online. He could well look at a woman with large breasts and a slender figure and experience a little sexual 'zing.' Does that mean he wants to spend the rest of his life with the Barbie doll on the screen, love her, introduce her to his family and friends, hold her hand and cuddle? Um, no. It just means he felt a little 'zing' looking at her body.
We women are our own worst enemies when it comes to loving our own bodies. We contrast, we compare, we judge, we focus on the negatives. We fail to recognize how beautiful we are, just as we are, we ignore our wonderful bits and pieces.
"Now I wonder if he mentally fucks these women when he watches their videos or looks at their photos, if he wished my body was more like theirs."
Why would you put thoughts in his head? This is actually really disrespectful to your boyfriend. You don't trust him, you don't believe him, you have decided you know what goes on in his head.
According to a male source close to me, what goes on in his head is: "She's hot. She's amazing." Then the thinking logical part of the brain shuts down and there isn't much going on in the head.....
What he sees when he looks at you: "She's beautiful. She's mine. She's amazing. She's hot and I want to get close to that now." Then the thinking logical part of the brain shuts down. He feels amazing when he's with you. Why would you doubt that? Because he's looking at some freaky bodies on line? Oh my goodness, we women look at freaky bodies all the time. They are called the Kardashians... have you ever actually spent the time to examine what goes on in those magazines devoted to women? The advertisers sell fantasy, the women are hot hot hot, the advertisers try to make you believe if you buy this mascara or that perfume, you'll be irresistable. There are maybe one or two pictures of hot men in these shiny glossy pages. Why is that? Because most women don't actually get that visual 'zing' looking at male bodies. They get that 'zing' looking at other women's boobs and bodies and then spend their time comparing themselves.
Annie Lennox is your body shape. She has super short hair. Is she hot? Um yeah. She just knows how to work with it and doesn't focus on her imperfections.
Give your man a chance to show you that he loves you, just as you are. Don't drag in what other men may have said about changing their SO's bodies. Most women would change their SO's bodies, if you pinned them down and asked them. (And NO, men, it's not penis size that we would change. It would be adding hair to a man whose hair is thinning, because we know he'd feel more confident and secure. Or taking 50 lbs off a middle because he's not able to make it up the stairs without losing his breath. Okay, we'd like a bit of abs but most of us don't want excess muscles. We want fit, happy and healthy. That's what men want too.)
If you've always disliked your own body, how can your man ever get through to you? You fundamentally don't believe you are worth being desired.The ex may have planted that seed in your head but you chose to accept that seed, fertilize it and watch it grow. Another woman may well have said, get the eff away from me you idiotic man with your nonsensical fantasy crap.
So, if you are feeling ugly, betrayed and disappointed, then stop, listen to your man when he tells you he loves you. If you can't love yourself, he'll never be able to convince you that you are lovable and sexy too.
I honestly do think you would benefit from some counseling and therapy, so that you can examine and understand those emotions you can't seem to control or deal with...
Your own internal narrator is your own worst friend right now, because it's telling you shit that you should not be paying any attention to. But how do you stop that internal narrator? You start to become aware of it and you recognize when stinking thinking starts to take over the narrative.
You are lovely just as you are, your boyfriend WANTS you just as you are and if you don't believe him then you are rewriting his own thoughts and feelings, and that's just not fair to him.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 July 2015):
 Your Boyfriend hasn't settled. He has found the girl he most wants to be with. He goes to great lengths to let you know that the whole you is who he loves.
He likes you and he'd probably be even happier if you loved you as much he thinks you should.
Try to write down the ten best things about you and ask him to do the same - the ten best things he likes about himself. I suspect that right now it might be a difficult exercise for you. But you can do things to improve your outlook about your value to you, the value you bring to this relationship and the value he sees in you.
Because it is true that once you feel more comfortable with you then his secret stash will be of little consequence. But it may be hard for you to believe that, right now. In time you will discover that it's true.
There is a huge difference between a fantasy figure and the real person people choose to be with. They choose to be with the person who ticks all the boxes such that they believe that person has all the ingredients to give them the greatest chance of an overall thoroughly satisfying human relationship.
Three of my important components have been is this guy a good conversationalist (if no, then it wouldn't work for me) and is this guy capable of being a really reliable honorable good father to his children. (if not then it was never going to work) and the third component was there a strong mutual attraction and respect.
Your guy did try to deflect you initially re his secret stash. Then, to his credit, he was honest with you.
But it's a fantasy stash for titillation. Not that he aspires to have closer contact with those ladies. It's just for occasional titillation of the porn gene that many men have bubbling to the surface from within from time to time. In real life they'd probably be embarassed by the said ladies who do especially enjoy being stared at and do so to earn money.
Porn is different. The average guy wouldn't and couldn't endure 48 hours with KK without getting thoroughly bored with her taking selfies every few minutes.
I talked to a guy who once dated (once) a girl who he thought was hot but he said on seeing what she wore to their first and last date he said he'd never been so embarassed. She'd worn a high side slit dress with her boobs taped in place to prevent a wardrobe malfunction of the very low cut bodice covering her ample boobs.
Yet she lapped up the attention of all the guys, jaws dropping, that they passed on their way to the table for dinner at a restaurant. He never asked her for a second date.
I work with guys where a couple of them have pinned up their cars of choice. Apart from the fact that neither could probably afford the said cars, one of the guys is rather rotund and probably could not get into nor out of the very low slung car he has pictured.
But they enjoy their fantasy and for real life they have chosen the car that satisfies all their needs in real life.
I rather like the look of Ricky Martin but I certainly don't fantasize about the lovely man.
Your man could have chosen any woman, and he chose you.
He likes the whole person who is you.
He is proud to be seen with you.
He feels comfortable with you.
He knows that you get on well with the people you and he know.
The things that can derail a relationship are all the usual issues like greed, sloth, unfaithfulness, jealousy, envy and extreme insecurity.
Try to get a handle on your grief at discovering the porn stash.
If it becomes impossible to do so then seek some counselling.
You are real and you are who he relates to and who he chooses to date.
The porn are images. Pixels on paper. He does not know the ladies and he has not spoken to the ladies.
There are other collections people keep. Some collections give the creeps to their partner. Some collections take over the home. People collect match boxes, beer coasters, bottle tops, stuffed formerly real animals, snakes and other reptiles.
Some collect dolls, glasswear, material (too much to ever sew with), lace doilies, empty perfume bottles, old cars and even telephone books.
At least he is discreet. His is an electronic photo albumn. I am not condoning it. It has not taken over the home. One day he may even willingly delete it. Because he wants to. Not because anyone has demanded that he delete it.
You also need to focus on all your good points and love you warts and all. Because what you think of you is important. You become as you think.
Affirm to yourself every morning and every evening that you are The Best that Best can be, and you are worthy of that description. Love you first and Believe in you and the love you deserve to feel will flow into you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2015): I'm the OP.
eyeswideopen, I appreciate your input, but we live in a small town where I don't see any Kim Kardashian lookalikes wandering in the streets. Point is, he has no choice but to be with a regular looking woman, this isn't Hollywood, so there aren't porn star lookalikes readily available at bars or at the coffee shop.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 July 2015):
 Aw bless you, your post makes me sad. I know that mere words are not going to make you love yourself more but I wish I could convince you that your boyfriend is definitely not "settling" for you. It sounds like he truly loves you. Sure, if he woke up tomorrow and you had big boobs and a Barbie doll figure he would be pleasantly surprised but only if it were YOU underneath that skin. Sure he likes to look at those perfect figures but you can see them all over the place not just in porn, women with outstanding figures are walking in and out of your boyfriend's life every day, but he choose you to be with, key word is choose not settled.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2015): Are you a porn star? No? Great.Is he a pornstar or does he have have the cash/fame that would attract personalities like Kim Kartrashian?No? Great.Now, that we've established this-you are not a porn star and can not be expected to look/behave like one. He knows that and he does not expect you to be a pornstar. As to your cheating friends-get better friends and remove them from your environment.We are who we associate with. Also, not sure if applicable in this case, but it has been shown that there is a much higher chance for somebody to cheat if more people in his environment cheated (similar to the domino effect).What it does is, it basically shows you that people who cheat are just that-people. Not some sort of monsters. And they find ways to justify their cheating to themselves/friends/partners (in your case, "Oh,only if my gf/wife was hotter,I wouldn't have cheated." Ummm,no,you still would have-it's a choice). It essentially normalises this type of behaviour. You don't think of your friends who cheated as "cheaters",right? YOu think they did something wrong,sure, but not wrong enough to remove them from your social circle??
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 July 2015):
 Nt to worry, men are a hundred times more self concious about their "short-commings" than women are about their lack of beauty or sexuallity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2015): I'm a straight female and have slept with guys of different body types, all of which were attractive to me. When I look at porn I look at muscular men (often gay), beautiful young women, sometimes even she-males. My point being, I don't want to have sex with these people. They just rev my engine when I'm on my own and in that place. It doesn't mean I value my boyfriend's body any less or find him less attractive (even though I admit it's not 'model quality'). I think he's beautiful and I'd take having him naked with me over looking at a picture of a sexy stranger any day. Don't sweat it - he's normal. You're normal. Enjoy eachother, you sound like a great couple.
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