A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:how often do men go back to the woman they have had an affair with? After 17 years of marriage my husband had an affair with a colleague. He is a director of a company and it would be difficult to just leave, so still sees her at work. He swears to me nothing will ever happen, but i guess i am paranoid. Please advise...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): depends on how strong was the emotional bond between them. Some affairs are just one night stands. Others are friendships or where the man actually feels more bonded to her than to his wife.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): Spot on this poster was.
A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010):
Take her advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): Its difficult to know how many people return to cheating with the same person, once they have been found out. It would appear that some do and some dont. It really depends on the person and how sincere they are in trying to rebuild the relationship/marriage.
You have suffered a massive betrayal and that is very difficult to work through at the best of times. The fact that your husband still sees her at work will cause you concern. Thats very understandable.
I think if you really want to stay with your husband and try to make the marriage work, he needs to go to couples counselling with you. Its all very well him telling you that hes going to be a good boy now and you can trust him. But what many in his position fail to understand...is that they CAN NOT be trusted, theyve just proved that! So to ask for your trust, after doing something like that is jaw droppingly crass.
He has to step up to the plate. Join you in counselling. Explore what made him cheat and work out how you can both move on together. Once he understands why he behaved as he did and what its done to you and his marriage. It may make him a better person and one who deserves your trust again. If that happens, you wont need to worry so much about him doing it again.
Oh...and ask him to start looking for a position with another company. Even if it is difficult, he can atleast try and move. I hope things work out ok for you x.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (18 November 2010):
when a man who is not a serial cheater get caught bloody handed with cheating he usually feels guilt and try's to
stop cheating
BUT would his misstress leave him alone ???
infact this is the real quistion
youd better keep popping at his work
and lets hope that the misstress wel find another job somewhere else
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): It depends on a lot of things. How strong his will is to really end it. How persistent she might be. How happy he is with you. How strong their bond was. Have the reasons that caused him to pursue an affair been truly resolved. He showed weakness of character once before so who is to say it may not happen again? You really just don't know.
It is really not that hard to find another good job, especially if he has a good established background in his field. People change jobs all the time. If he really wanted to prove to you it is over and that you are his priority, he could start by looking for another job at the very least to set your mind at ease. It doesn't sound like he has any plans of doing this, which makes me wonder how sorry he really is or how much he is prioritizing your feelings. Clearly you have no intention of leaving this man even after finding out about the affair. Which makes it all the more easy for him to disregard your feelings on the matter. He figures he doesn't have much proving to do, doesn't really have to make much of an effort since you'll just forgive him and take him back no matter what. That's the truth. Frankly you should have kicked him out and let him beg for a WHILE before even considering having a single conversation with him again.
So if you forgave him, you just have to trust him, for whatever that's worth.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 It all depends on the origens and type of affair. If it was several years long and has a componant of deep emotions, odds are high that he'll at least stay in contact with her beyond an acceptable professional level.
However, if it was a day/week/month of stupid sexual insanity and he was using her as a Friend with benefits, he will drop her and you'll have nothing to worry about, with the exception of her maybe trying to hang on.
Much of the time, the guy leaves for the other woman because the wife makes him leave. Otherwise, it's more likely that it was simply an ego boosting fling and he wouldn't leave his wife in a heartbeat. In fact, after dealing with his underlying issues, the marriage may actually improve in the long run.
I know you didn't ask for this bit of advice, but I wanted to tell you that you have every right to be paranoid, and it's not even really paranoia! He betrayed you in the worst possible way and obliterated your trust.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 Well no wonder you are paranoid he has done it before so what is stopping him do it again? Especially since it sounds like you forgave him for this. I understand that he cant just leave his job but he needs to reassure you as much as he can. Am afraid there is not a lot of advise i can give you here, you chose to forgive him which must have taking a lot of courage for you to do but i honestly think you will always feel paranoid about this now.
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