A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:was at a works xmas do last night and a guy i was brilliant friends with came along our friendship ended because i discovered he had lied to me a lot and i was such a decent friend to him helping him whenever he was in need ranging from work help to money and when i confronted him he cut me dead so last night was the first time we spoke in 6 weeks, he was embarrassed as they were doing a drinks whipround and he had no money and i didnt want him to be embarrassed so helped him by giving him £ 20 and when he went home later i was the only one who checked he got home ok as he was ill.he then texted me to say thankyou and that he knows noone else would have bothereddo you think he now realises what hes lost and how should i act with him now ?
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female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (17 December 2011):
 A leopard doesn't change his spots. I think this guy probably is thankful that you gave him the money to drink but he will never realize your kindness for what it is. For him, you are (and I am sorry) a patsy who will be there to catch him when he falls. His gratitude will not amount to much and I think his goal in life is to get others to behave as you have done. Thus the comment, "no one cares". He was feeling sorry for himself but that will not translate to him realizing that you are a good person.
I think you should move on to find new friends who will appreciate you for your kindness but also you want friends who will be there for you should you ever need kindness. He will never be that person.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): He has a job and can't cough up 20 pounds for drinks? Wow he has you still played! He came to you to use you and you let him. He has a great system going.He cut you out after he was embarassed? You were paying for his friendship basically.Why do you NEED this man for 'friendship'? The relationship is not even a genuine friendship. You don't go out of your way to help someone and keep being used unless you think you have something to gain from it?Its a very unhealthy, abusive dynamic.Just be smart and STOP giving this guy money. He has a job and still no money- does he eat his money? Have addictions? THAT irresponsible?Leave him alone. Live your life free of losers. Less drama, stress, and less believing you have to give and give to be a nice person.A nice person can also be wise.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 December 2011):
 No. He has not really " lost " anything, because by the minimal effort of just being barely civil to you he can make you cough up 20 pounds, and imagine how much more he can get out of you if he bothers to turn on the charm. He knows that perfectly, he can play you like a fiddle, and he will if you let him.
Please don't let him. He has amply shown in the past that he is not a good friend, so your best bet would be to make new friends- real ones this time.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (17 December 2011):
 You say this friend has lied to you before.
You was kind to help him out in this situation (of lending him the money) but I would still be cautious of him.
I would act civil with him but be on your guard.
You don't want to get used or lied too again.
I hope this helps!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): I don't think you should've helped him out yesterday night, to be honest. I understand why you did what you did; when you have a good heart it can be very, very difficult to stand by and do nothing when you see someone you care about struggling, even if they've once wronged you. But take into account his behaviour in the past, not to mention his reaction when you confronted him about it. By lending him money again after all this time (especially considering the atmosphere under which you parted last) he could come to see you as someone whose kind nature he can easily take advantage of.You ask if he realises what he's lost; if you continue to support him in such a way, he won't have lost anything really because you'll still be available to help him out at his convenience. I'd write off the £20 as a favour. In my opinion, if he's a genuine friend he'll pay it back without being asked, and try to make amends for his deceitful behaviour of before. But if not (and don't expect it), withdraw from him. The only way he might ever realise what he's lost is if you're no longer available, period. Time alone will tell.I don't mean to criticise you at all, you know! But you have to be discerning when it comes to giving. I know that's easier said than done when you're a decent person, you want to look out for everyone. But for your own sake, you must realise where (and with whom) to draw the line :) Good luck and take care x
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