| A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I am in a real mess and am extremely in distress. I hope I will get some help from here. Phase 2: Aster, marriage, kids and all other staff.Here is my story. I married my girlfriend of four years; only to find out she was unfaithful and lied about it. Meaning, our marriage was based on a lie. I met her when she was 18, and I was 20. We used to go out once a weak for about 2 years. But all we ever did all this time was just kisses and a bit of fondling. I did not want to force her to have sex, because I cared for her and wanted it to be at a time of her choosing. All I was doing was ask her if she wants to have sex - while we are sitting in a cafe or a restaurant. And obviously she used to say no. My understanding was, we love each other and hence she would tell me when the right time comes. That day never come.After two years like this - she finished high school and her family told her to move to another country to live with her aunt and to work. I was devastated - but, at that time I did not realize what the impact of the separation would be. After a month I received a letter from her stating that she misses me - stamping the letter with lipstick marks and all. That did it for me. I flew all the way to where she was. It was hot area weather wise - and I remember her telling me that her aunt has told here that that place is not good for "a girl". But it never occur to me (Me being inexperienced and all) that she was referring to "being a Virgin" is hard in a hot area. Meaning - she was telling me, in her way - that she might consider having sex this time. But for the God of me, I did not get that. We planned to meet in my friend’s house, after he went to work for some privacy - but, twice there was a schedule conflict with his work, and hence we ended up just walking on the beach. Finally - we managed to have the house to ourselves one day. Mind you, this is the first time we actually were alone in a room - with a bed. We got excited - I got her excited - but here comes the "no" what every woman seems to say - just to show she is not easy. But - I took that "No" as a "no" and stopped. Then I took her to her friend’s house. I did not hear from her for a couple days after that. When it was time for me to go back to country that I live, she did not give me a worm Farwell - nor did she came to see me go. I was a bit confused, but, did not give much attention to it. After a year or so - of writing her letters (with no much of a reply from her), and calling her many times. She came to visit her parents. At that time I was working and had an apartment of my own. So, finally in my bed - I was ready for action - just before we had sex - she started to talk about virginity - and how some guys are backward and all. It was a new thing to me and I did not expect that kind of talk from her. Then I asked her what she was talking about - then she said she is not a virgin - then looking directly at my face for some reaction - she said - just because she was sick and there were some complications in her periods and all - she lost her virginity on the way. Stupid as I was, deeply in love with her as I was -I said “well, what is virginity? It is nothing - we love each other and it is not like you did it with other guy. And I am sorry you have to go through all that sickness. I wish we had done it and you lost it in a proper way with me - but it is good that your health is ok now". So we started to have sex frequently after that, until the time she had to go back to her place. She went and I missed and loved her more. Again, she did not communicate much when she went there. But I was calling her continuously. And I introduced her to a friend of mine who was living in the same city and they started to hang out as friends. After a while, I got transferred to another place – and she agreed to come and visit me. So I sent her money for transport. We spent few weeks of love and finally she said she would love to come and live with me – if only she can convince her employers and the city that she has a reason to leave them. One of a good reason she said, was getting married. So, madly in love with her that I was, happy like a kid that I was with the prospect of her coming to live with me – I agreed then and there – and we got married in the municipality of that city – just the both of us. She went back to her place with a marriage certificate at hand. But after a month or so – she called me with tears and said she is pregnant. So, I rushed and went to her – to tell her everything is alright. The biggest fear for her was telling her family about the pregnancy and also she was kind of sad she got pregnant before she did a marriage ceremony and announce to the world. So, again – madly in love with her, as I am; being a person who values marriage greatly as I am – I rushed back to my place and started to make arrangement for the wedding. She did not have anybody in the city and she did not have any income as well – so I was the one who did everything – and my families were good sports and were on her side as well. They gave her warmth and made her feel loved. Unfortunately, she had a miscarriage. So, we had our wedding alright, but no baby. But, we managed to have a son after a year. Happy? - Yes, but not for long. You know how married couples talk about everything and anything during the early stage of the marriage? Well, we talked and talked. But, when it comes to talks about the times when we were in different countries – her stories start to contradict themselves to what she used to tell me – and some new, and untold staff, started to surface – unintentionally – kind of unforced error. And my mind starts to get confused and started to race. I stop and ask her questions when I see inconsistencies – and her answer gets more confusing and a made up story right then and there. Oh boy! Then another thing happened. I met my old friend. You remember the one I introduced to my girlfriend in the city where she was living? Yes, that is him. And he said something to me that blows my mind. He did not say anything bad, he just stated a fact that he thought would make me and my wife happy. He said “I was a good friend to you, in that I helped you and your girlfriend (Now my wife) to get back together” I did not say anything, not a single thing – I just sat there looking at him. “…Get back together?” What “getting back together”? This sentence is used to refer to an action where two people in a relationship make up after a break up, right? But as far as I am concerned - me and my girlfriend (Now my wife) were together in a relationship all the time. There was a physical distance between us but we were lovers all this time. Oh boy! Little did I know! After that I started to pay attention to everything and anything that my wife says – and to my dismay, this woman was hiding a very big secret from me. So I confronted her, and she started to avoid my questions. But once I told her that my friend is in town – well, what do you know – she started to talk. Poor me, I died starting from that day. Facts: - She lost her virginity during the time I went to visit her (Two months into our first separation).- Worst, she lost it the same day that we spent the time together in my friend’s house, when I thought I was respecting her wish – because she said that fake “no”. You remember I told you I dropped her to her friend’s house that night? Well, actually it turned out that there was a party going on there which ended up to be escalated to people having sex. So, my virgin girlfriend surrendered herself to a guy she barely know – well, he managed to get into her pants in a short time- that I was not able to do in two years. - Worst, she did not do it right in the house where the party was going on. Actually she voluntarily went out from the party house with the guy, and voluntarily walked some distance with him to his house, and voluntarily falls into his bed – and surrendered herself. Just like that. I go through this again and again in my mind just to punish myself. And I feel like choking up, you know when all the blood of your system seems to be rushing to your head and you feel like drowning. That was how I feel when I rehearsed the scenario of her losing her virginity in my mind. - Worst, later after she came back to visit her family (The first time we actually had sex) – and when she was in my bed talking about virginity – she plaid with my innocent good heart nature – and lied into my face!! She had the courage to lie into my face and tell me she lost her virginity due to some health complications! Who does that? God – what kind of a person does that?- Without the decency of coming out clean – she made me commit to a marriage which was based totally on a lie. Look how far I went to make her happy, look how much me and my family respected her.- When I asked her why she lied to me, her answer was “I didn’t want to lose you”, was her answero Well, not only you lost me honey, you actually murdered me!! This feels like the worst kind of death.- When she was explaining the details. She would say – one of her girlfriends was having open sex in the house where the party was, and to fend the noise, she said she covered her ears. Then eventually, this guy came as a savior – and asks her if she wants to get out from there and if she wants to see his apartment – then she left with him, and then one thing led in to another. The way she conclude it, was like: “He deceived me” or tricked me into his bed.- Worst – when I asked her, how long she did go out with the guy, and when and how it ended – here is the bomb – she said – it went on for a year, and at some point after that – he just stopped wanting her, then that was that. You guessed right. That was when she contacted me. That was when I came to her mind. That was when she decided, she can always fall back to that romantic fool back home waiting for his imaginary, loyal true love. God! Even writing it here, hurts.After all these, life is not the same anymore. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. Basically, I could not function at all. Everything is dark. Everybody is a liar. I feel like crying every second. Actually, I go to a far isolated place and cry my heart out. Oh, God! Poor me, poor me! This is a disaster. I started to drink every day. I started to come home at 2 AM in the morning. I stopped talking with my wife. Everything became mechanical. Sometimes I come home drunk and do violent sex. No violence. - But, violent sex. And Every time I do sex – that unfaithfulness is always in my mind. I always want to humiliate her, like she did to me, but in vain. I was the one going down in a fast spiral slide. Her life becomes miserable as well. She regretted what she did. She suffered. But, nothing can be done now. And the worst part is, I cannot tell anyone about this. I was praising this woman all my life. I was telling everyone she is an angel. Everybody was saying “What a true love we have”. I lost hope in myself, I lost hope in bright future and I lost hope in God. What else can be worst?Years went by. Four years to be exact. Our life got from bad to worse and worse by the day. I suffered, she suffered and above all my Son started to suffer. He got sick. He developed epilepsy. And we say “what is the worst that can happen”? Well, here is the proof. Things actually can get worst and worst. The suffering of my Son was the silver lining for me. Work travel took me to another part of the world, and I did not go back. Call me a deserter, or call me irresponsible, or call me coward, or call me un Godly if you like, but I know that is not the right kind of life that me and my wife had. And definitely, that is not the kind of life that any one wishes to raise a child in – not in dysfunctional family from the outset; a broken family from the very beginning. For the record, the following three years, even in the distant world – I kept on suffering. I could not shake the idea of my wife’s betrayal. I just couldn’t. I cried every chance I get. I cry when I am alone – at work place, in bars, at the cinema. I was so sad! For three years. All this time – I did not go out with anybody. See, I still have that principle of “loyalty to ones loved one”. I also had the fear of God, that I might have abandoned my son and also my wife – a cheater and a liar, but still – my wife. Here again –I drunk every day, smoked a lot. See, that was the only way I could get a break from that horrible thought on my mind. Whenever I want to humiliate myself – I just remember that day where I let her go, and escorted her to a house where she would eventually fall in to the arms of another guy! This is how it goes:o I say to myself that I am to blame, because – that day she came to me and she was in my arms in my friend’s house, and I should have made use of it. And I insult myself saying “You were not man enough for her” (This is how I punish myself). But then I snap out of that and say:? Hey, how was I going to know that would be the last day for us to meet? After all, I waited (We waited) for two years without doing the actual sex! So, there was no way I could have known. And I also thought there would be another day that we would be alone again in that same house. May be the next day.? Worst of all, even if I conclude that I was weak for letting her go that day without consummation our love, THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR HER TO GO AND SLEEP WITH A NEW GUY IN A SINGLE NIGHT!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR 2 YEARS LOVE? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE RESPECT AND CARE OF THE BOYFRIEND THAT SHE WAS WITH EARLIER? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WAITING DONE FOR ALL THESE PAST YEARS? GOD! THEN I CONCLUDE – SHE IS THE MOST HORRIBLE PERSON IN THIS WHOLE WORLD!? And besides, she did not tell me she was going to a party that night. Worst, I travelled miles and miles to a place, I don’t have anyone else to be with, and she would not even think of inviting me to go with her to the party!? Does this mean she was expecting what happened – and she was a cheat at heart even when she was a virgin? God, sometimes I feel like blowing my head off to stop all these horrible thoughts. I needed a break, and I was not able to get it. Not even for a second!o Sometimes, I blame the circumstances – I say “Why did the clash of schedule of my friend’s work happened and prevented us from using his apartment –on earlier days?” “Why did not I tell my friend that I have a girlfriend and want to use his house – and for him to go other place for few hours?” Had I did all that, I say to myself, that I would have many days that I could have used the house to consummate our love. I also say, God, purposely designed for the party to happen that day – and made me obedient to the old thing “no, means no” for women – at least for the case of my girlfriend. See, she must have come prepared that day – then when I did not do it, and when she could not ask me to do it, then she opened her legs for anyone who would put slight pressure on her!.....God! All this is a pathetic explanation. There is no justification for her to throw our 2 years love, my respect for her, the fact that I came all the way to see her, and the fact that she was with me the same night – down the drain and allow herself to do what she did. And there is no justification for her to play with my good nature and drug me into a marriage based on a lie. That is a crime. Now, years have gone by, but I am still burning with the disappointment and failure of my marriage. And it is still affecting any possible relationship that I could have and move on. And worst of all – my wife would not voluntarily allow for a divorce to happen. So what do I do? Please help
View related questions:
a break, at work, different countries, divorce, drunk, escort, get back together, her ex, liar, money, move on, period, violent, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): You need to get a divorce so you can move on. As long as you do not divorce her you will continue to wallow in your dysfunctionality.
As long as you stay in this 'marriage' you are trapping yourself into every day re-living the betrayal and lies because the past cannot be undone and you know that. You know that. Yet you do not want to Move Forward and make a new life. Instead you just want to drink yourself into a stupor and cry all the time. What good does that do? Don't get me wrong that is normal reaction and a grieving response for a major loss but come on it has been years already!! The more you make yourself sit here and wallow, the more you are conditioning yourself to being used to this miserable state of things and building up your inertia. You cannot change the past. You cannot really change the present either, it is what it is. You can only change your future.
start talking to a divorce lawyer, kick yourself into gear.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2012): You need to divorce her. Obviously you cannot and are not willing to get over this. You need to leave her and move on. You need counseling also. You have an unhealthy obsession with the past. The fact is, you hardly saw this woman when you were apart. She was hardly answering your mail. She dated someone else. What did you expect - being apart and not communicating? That wasn't much of a relationship anyway.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2012): What she did was wrong and what you are doing is even worse. I do not consider her now but you are emotionally hurting you child for what? A mistake happens, what is the priority in your life? To make your life, her life and your son’s life miserable for several yeas? Does it worth it? She made a mistake, period and she won’t do it again .Maybe she was not sure that you will be ended up together. She is your wife and she has not done anything wrong as your wife right? Keep in your mind that NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR SON’S FUTURE NOW…….whatever you do please consider him first. If you cannot handle this issue just get divorce and make everyone’s life easy, please do a favor and do not torture them anymore!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2012): Just move on. You have a lot of baggage from this and you need to stay separated from her. It's not surprising from a 3rd person point of view that she lost her virginity to someone else. It's no surprise bc if you're supposedly in a relationship with someone and your're doing all the effort and they haven't tried to make contact with you in the slightest then you two are merely friends if that. It sounds like you two were trying to hit it off while she was in high school n that begin to work while she was in high school but after graduation she moved out of country. If I understand you correctly the communication decreased and it was mainly you contacting her. From that its an understood breakup. Especially if ur the only one making effort. You would have saved yourself this sorrow had you noticed then that her efforts to be with you wasn't there. She's a deceitful lady for telling you about her false medical reasons for how she lost her virginity. Your only option is to move on. You act as though she was your wife when this happen. You act as though you two were exclusive throughout the four years. Only in your world were you two exclusive, which is why she played around with another man. Worse things could happen. She was young and naive. You need some therapy. I'm sorry this affected you like this but I hope much better days are ahead of you for both you and your son.
...............................
A
male
reader, TomWilkinson  +, writes (30 October 2012):
 Unfortunately, the only person who can answer the question, "what do I do?", is you. The pain of being deceived or wronged, be it lover, family or friend will always hurt, it depends entirely on your own personality what will work best.
The first step that will always help regardless of the situation is sharing, so straight away you're on the right track.
You seem to have not only acknowledged but also accepted that the relationship is over, which is also a positive step.
You seem like an eloquent, well spoken and well rounded chap and therefore know yourself, deep down, that there is nothing anyone can see that will instantly fix things.
The sad truth, is that these things will hurt and hurt for a long time, particularly when you are sensitive, loving and well-natured, which you seem to be.
My answer, is not an "answer" unfortunately, but my personal advice would be the horrible cliche of "soldier on, time helps".
...............................
|
