A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my wife for 7 years. We have been through a LOT together and have kids together and all. The problems started about 3 years into our marriage when I revealed to my wife that I was addicted to pornography. Then later, I met someone and had an affair for months. My wife became pregnant while I was having an affair, but I couldn't find the courage and honor to stop, until I was confronted. We separated, and came back together. She claimed to have forgiven me, but she didn't. She got revenge 5 years into our marriage. Now, during the time I started having an affair, I also starting having problems lasting during sex with my wife. Sex with her was getting harder and harder until I reached a point where I just could not last long enough please her. She has orgasms very easily, however I could not last long enough, not to mention I had insecurities in my mind from her cheating. I knew her cheating was really my fault, so I wanted to forgive her. It took me until year 7 to forgive, and it is still a battle. I know that she also has issues with forgiveness as well. Tracking back, come year 6-7, I found out that my wife was sleeping around with various men. It crushed me. I blamed myself for getting her started, but she said that it was because she couldn't get satisfaction with me. I know that what I did to her was HORRIBLE, but I do know that I love her more than I love my own life. It took me years to realize that, but it's true. I don't think she is in love with me in the same way anymore though, and I'm sure that part of that stems from not being able to reach an orgasm with me. I have finally reached a place within myself where I am no longer carrying guilt that makes me self-destruct my life and those around me as I had before when I cheated on her. I have also reached a place where I realized that I can not love her for how she makes me feel, for that was selfish at heart. I love her because I love to love her. I now love her and need no reciprocity, and thank goodness because she does not love me the same. She has decided to stop sleeping around a while ago, but continues to mention to me that it is very hard for her to keep that up because I can't please her and that it is keeping her from loving me again. I love her and want to spend the rest of my life loving her, and I am seeing doctors about fixing my sex issues, but in the meant time, I don't want her to reach a point where she has to scratch that itch by starting to cheat and lie again. I love her enough to want to provide all her needs and please her even if it means that it's not my part that gives her the satisfaction. So, my question is, after all the hurt and pain, am I sane and is it possible to change our relationship now to an open status? Meaning, I want to surprise my wife by having two guys come with us and have sex with her. I want her to reach an orgasm so many times that she will be good for months (long enough for my sex therapy treatments to start taking effect). Who knows, we may try it again and again. I want it to be a three men on one woman thing (one of the men was the first man she cheated on me with.) While I used to watch porn, I was very much into the group sex thing and the thought of watching. And I truely feel I can handle it because I love her and I love her enough to want to do anything possible to make her happy, even if it means this. Is that love? Please someone tell me if I'm fooling myself, or am I really in love with her by wanting this for her? I heard from someone that if the one you love wants to share you, that is not love. Is that true? Am I not truely displaying love because I'm considering sharing her? I know it's what she wants, so why not let her do it if it'll make her happy? I'd love to not have the pressure of having sex be our biggest issue anymore. Am I crazy?
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addicted to porn, affair, cheated on me, crush, orgasm, porn, revenge Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): the moment a third party is introduced into a marriage (by consent or not) that marriage is doomed.
marriage is between 2 people only.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): Based on what I've read (and I don't know either of you) in your case, I would have to say No.
Open relationships aren't a mechanism to save a failing monogamous relationship. Its not something you do in hopes of keeping the other person around or anything like that. If the 2 people involved in the primary relationship are monogamous at heart, then an open relationship only invites trouble (since the odds of the other person falling in love with one of the 3rd parties and then leaving the marriage are increased).
I know people in open relationships. They are special people (I mean that in a good way). They have the ability to have zero jealousy as long as the open relationship falls within the confines of the rules they have set up (people can cheat in an open relationship... I've seen it... it was stupid). Open relationships are not free for alls. They are rules and, as I said, there has to be zero jealousy involved. I've been to swing parties where husbands and wives attend only to watch the wife run off in a jealous rage because her husband apparently violated the rules of their relationship. Not pretty.
From what you've described, your wife is essentially monogamous. Her having an affair to "one-up" you so to speak is an indication of her jealousy of your affair. Your feelings of guilt about the affair that affect your performance also tells me that you're essentially monogamous as well and you would rather be the man to please your wife.
I don't know what to suggest (counseling, sex therapist etc.) but I do know from my experience with open relationships, that you two would be ruining your marriage instead of helping it if you go down this route.
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A
male
reader, calabarguy  +, writes (4 May 2009):
 Bringing in more men...? You'll prefer them to you.
Solution1: Make her think less of sex.
Solution2: Take her on a good ride somewhere. Change the conditions and the place you usually make love.
Guess I should be paid the sex therapist share of your money.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): doesnt sound like she us doing it with out you- it sounds like you have a fantasy of how you want her to do it. because she isn't that way you see it as a problem. Its not a problem for her.
Strangely most women are not pornstars. She is not a Doll - talk to her. Just because you want it due to an addiction is not right - is it?
I suggest you go to counselling. Otherwise my vote is this is broke - you are going to try and force her to do something against her will, because you think its better for her?
i think you are using a bat to crack a walnut - talk to her and go to counselling - you love her and she loves you.
it will work out.
Star.x.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): The mathematics tell me that there's a one-in-eleven chance of picking up something nasty if you go through with this 3 guy, one girl thing, and if you do, I wouldn't let any of my soft tissues get anywhere near hers if I were you.
What do you do? To be totally honest, I haven't got the faintest idea. I'm stumped. Sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have a few details to add now. She does not like using sex toys. I've tried buying sex toys to use on her in place of me for the time being, and she never likes them. She claims that she does like them, but only used along side of the real thing. She feels that toys are just teasing her. I think she is mainly just uncomfortable with the thought of using toys. Two, she does not masturbate. She hates the thought of it, and will not go there. Also, I've used my tongue and fingers and think that I've very good at it and LOVE doing it for her. However, again, she feels it's just a tease. She like me using tongue, but only for a short time. She feels like it's not to be used to orgasm, but just to get things going. And lastly, my wife is allergic to latex. Which means no condoms. And yes, that means all the other guys she slept with, she didn't use a condom with. We live in Washington DC, where the AIDS rate has reached 3% of the population. That's 1 out of every 33 people here. That thought terrifies me. But, I don't know what else to do. If I don't do this with her, then she'll just do it without me.
To sum it all up:
No masturbation
No sex toys
No fingers
Oral sex - does not solve the issue
No condoms
All she wants is the real thing, naturally. And she's dying to have it. The urge for her is so strong right now, it's an hourly struggle for her not to break.
If I leave her, and let her go wild, she will most likely catch something, and it's my duty to protect her. I am afraid of that as well, because I love her.
Now, what do I do?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): Not a very good idea, but I don't think you're crazy - more like desperate to save your marriage - you're clutching at straws to get her satisfied and you hope this is the answer. It's not.
There's more than one way to give a woman an orgasm and it looks like you're concentrating on the penetration part. You've also got a tongue and fingers, and there's more than a few toys on the market. You can do the penetration bit when she's getting close and hopefully you'll be able to fine-tune things so that you both have orgasms simultaneously.
Bringing two or three other guys into the bedroom is a surefire way to court disaster. Keep the porn in fantasyland where it belongs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): Dear Crazy,
You wife is not in a porn film. She is the woman you choose above all others. Why not talk to her and see what she wants? rather than trying to for fill you own fantasy?
go and talk to a counsellor with her if you think what you are doing is wrong.
What about STis? what happens when she gets something nasty from one of these partners?
but really talk to her. see what she wants then as her husband try and give it. See a doctor about your drive and the addiction.
Star.x.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2009): Whoa! Do you really think that will save your marriage? I serious doubt it! I think it will cause more problems and you may be the one left out in the cold!
Talk about this plan with your sex therapist!
Are you saying that your wife doesn't love you because you can't satisfy her? I think you both need to be seeing the therapist!
I can only give you my opinion, and I don't think it is a very good idea! I am curious to see what the others say!
Don't believe everything that goes on in porn...it's make believe, and they get paid to look like they are enjoying it! In real life...it is never the same!
There are practical ways to save your marriage...but only if you both are willing to commit and make an effort!
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