A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi AA'sThis question is long winded so apologies.Ive been going out with a girl for 4 years now, in reality she is very insecure but also has to have her own way as she believes what she wants is the right thing and dosnt see outside the box.Anyhow, we had an argument which resulted in a week of ignoring the other on both sides and we resolved the situation on Fri.However we are going on holiday in a few days and she said to me last night, she wants it to be just that, a holiday. She is not ready to have sex as, as she puts it "Im not back in that place yet, you(me)obviously are, but Im not"She asks am I ok with that and obviously I say "Yea course, whenever your ready", but really im thinking "we have an argument and all of a sudden she is not sexually attracted to me anymore?, will she not be sexually attracted to me after every argument?"So my question is , How do I approach this?, Is what Im thinking correct or selfish? What do I do with the situation?Thanks in Advance for any answers
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insecure, on holiday Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): I'm very sorry to hear the outcome. I hope you have a good support system; and close friends around you to help you through the hard emotional times ahead.
You'll miss her and have a few emotional relapses. That's normal.
To speed up your recovery, keep your distance and avoid contact. Find some new stomping grounds and make some new friends. Avoid starting any new romantic relationships, and don't start dating until she isn't dominating your thoughts.
I had hoped things would turn out better. I warned you to delay the holiday, to help you to avoid a vacation disaster.
Judging by the attitude you convey in your post; emotionally, you're heading in the right direction.
I wish you a swift recovery!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses Guys.
Yee were right, the holiday was a complete disaster.
There was no talking to each other except for "Where do you want to go for dinner". We went for seven days and done 3 days of activities. Tthe other four I sat in the sun by the pool and she stayed in watching TV(She doesn't like the sun).
When it came to present buying she bought my friends the most expensive, personal presents she could.
I ended the relationship two weeks ago and have seen her every weekend since(again with no talking to each-other) as she continues to hang around with people I introduced her to.
In the short run, yes I do feel lonelier, but in the long-run it was for the best.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (27 May 2013):
 If she had said to you, "let's go on this holiday, but, I don't want you brushing your teeth while we are (on holiday)...." ... or, ".. I don't want you to eat lunches..." ... " or, take baths...." Would you consider those to be an outlandish -and unacceptable - conditions?
If "Yes," then WHY would you consider it any LESS outlandish that she's wanting to go on the vacation, but wants to discontinue the NICEST, WARMEST and MOST INTIMATE part of being a couple??????
DON'T let sex/intimacy be a bargaining chip in your relationship.... because if and when you do.... then you and she really won't be a "couple" at all.... You'll just be two people who, sometimes, have sex.... but aren't really dedicated to one-another, at all....
Good luck... AND, be sure to use sun screen....
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (27 May 2013):
 Passive Aggressive, Manipulative, Insecure, and Game Playing take your pick which one you’re going on holidays with… I gather this is not the first time she’s acted like this, so I’m sure you’ll have a great time enjoying this Punishing Rollercoaster Ride (NO SEX) over the entire holiday, right?The silent treatment etc. is by way of punishing you and telling you you’re not in the good books just yet. And yes you can expect more of this; it’s a way of saying she’s not attracted to your ‘behaviour’ each time you argue or when she doesn’t get own way. But since you know what the cause of that argument was, only you know how to fix it with someone like her. How you put up with this nature (for 4 years) I do not know, but if a week goes by without both of you talking, you’re both acting as bad as each other? It’s like someone’s afraid of taking the lead to resolve matters within the household?I wager this problem won’t fix itself entirely with you respecting her wishes and by relaxing in a carefree holiday romantic environment even after you come back home. The issue is being taken on holidays with you and included in your baggage as extra weight. You still have to unpack when you get home…Take Care – CAA
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (27 May 2013):
 For one thing, Not being In The Mood for Sex DOES NOT EQUAL "I'm not sexually attracted to you anymore". That's not even in the same solar system of alike-ness, okay?
Two, being emotionally burnt out and feeling vulnerable and hurt is bad for almost everyone's libido. It's natural for her to want to protect herself, so give her space and time and treat her really nicely when you're on vacay with her, she'll come back around once she sees that you two are in a better place.
People often temporarily lose their libido during stressful times. It's normal. Don't panic, just roll with the punches.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): Sex is only part of the equation in the big picture of relationships. Are you exclusive to each other? Are you kind to each other and non judgmental? Can you do something like going to a water park or going roller blading together . Do something that will lighten the mood and spirit. Good-luck.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 May 2013):
Yes, putting on the charm and romance will make the panties drop, but if I was you I'd be questioning your relationship. Why not find someone who is a little better for you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): Ah don't worry about it OP. As soon as you get her on holiday, turn on the romance and make it really "special" her knickers will be off in a flash.
OP basically she's not 100% fine about the whole thing yet, it may be resolved but the idea of physical intimacy is not yet back to sounding all that nice.
So turn on the charm when on holiday and get her back in the zone again simple as that.
She's not there yet? Take her to that place. To me if it's nothing to do with menstruation or illness then it just takes extra effort to woo them.
Just make sure you're subtle and at least act like sex is the furthest thing from your mind OP. It's a holiday, so you can do so many sweet little romantic things and seem like you're respecting her wishes, don't pester her just guide her to that place.
Nothing like a bit of sweetness, charm, sun, sand, good food, alcohol and pretending to respect a woman's 'need' to respect her sex ban. The most important aspect here OP is that she has to think you respect her ban and are only trying it on because you felt the moment was right.
You're just after a massive blow out OP, you still have work to do to get this to a good place again. Not talking for a week after 4 years is very extreme OP, because while you and she weren't talking, she was telling any friend who would listen what's going on and she'll still have stuff floating around her head.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (26 May 2013):
Dear OP,
I don't know what your argument was about, but it seems it affected her more than she wished and she needs all this to settle before she can have a new start with you.
This doesn't have to do with sexual attraction, it has to do with letting go of the argument and of her anger or hurt.
Do you feel comfortable to go on a holiday with her even when things aren't 100% okay? Can you forget this all and have a good time with her? Will you be secretly angry at her the whole time if there's no sex? Sort this out for yourself first. Think about how you will deal with this holidays if there's still some tension between you two. It's important you don't spend a whole week feeling uncomfortable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): How is a holiday a holiday if she is still upset and carrying a grudge? I think she is being childish, and it doesn't really matter if she is "there yet" or not. She's using sex as a weapon, and being manipulative. You should postpone the vacation until everyone is emotionally on the same page. Not for the sake of sex, but dealing with whatever issue put her in this place. You have to take her seriously when there is a problem in your relationship; and not be too quick to dismiss her feelings.You are both adults. That means disagreements should be handled to their conclusion. You reach compromise, and if you can't; you draw a truce. Agree to disagree. Sex is a way of expressing love; not anger. It is a great way to make up. Withholding sex is okay; if you're not in the mood. If it's merely a way to create impasse, pouting, or to make a point; offer her the time out she is asking for. She has given you the message; that she has not moved past the anger. Then allow her time. Also give her the space.Go stay with a friend or at your parent's home for a few days. Return when she feels up to an adult discussion without anger or games. Everyone should state their position on the issue that lead up to your last argument. Allow each to speak without interruption. Shut up and listen. Apologize, kiss, and make up. Give each other space to allow the tension to dissipate.This whole scenario and drama raises a few points.She is unable to move pass a disagreement, and this may be a culmination of many problems that have lead up to thispoint.Postpone your vacation and allow her time to get over her anger and to move forward. Sex isn't really the issue. This is her way of saying she isn't able to move beyond your disagreement. There is a deeper underlying problem. Perhaps she really wants out of the relationship; or you don't listen when she tells you what is bothering her. Save your money on the holiday. It won't be fun unless you work things out first. You'll be two people just moping around and getting more on each others nerves.She may no longer feel the passion for you she once had. There are two sides to every story.If you still go on vacation, and she remains in the same state throughout the holiday. Offer her two options: either to resolve this issue and work things out; or to breakup.Your four year relationship may have run it's course; and you both may need to move on; and find people you consider more compatible with your personalities.
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reader, Got Issues +, writes (26 May 2013):
 She is passively-aggressively punishing you by withholding sex. You say the situation has been resolved but it doesn't sound like it actually has. There are communication issues. You both ignore each other for a week after an argument. Some time out after a fight is a good idea but a whole week is too much.
Has she indicated when she might be back in that place?
You need to sit down and talk to each other. The problem is that if she is both insecure and needs to get her own way, she may also be hypersensitive and defensive.
How would you rate your relationship on the whole?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 May 2013):
 I will take it to mean that she is not sure it will work in the long term. She may not feel relaxed and let go if she fears another break up in the future. She agreed to go on the trip because it would be a waste to cancel it. Not every couple fight and have make up sex. Make up sex does not mean the relationship is alright again. Bviously she needs to feel in love to have sex. Physical attraction can't last forever if the emotional parts are not fulfilled.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): If you have had a serious enough argument to result in you both ignoring each other for a whole week then yes, I can understand why she thinks you need to spend some time resolving that together. That is pretty much a short breakup, and is not a healthy way to deal with conflict. For a woman to have sex she has got to feel emotionally connected as wells physically attracted, and after a fight of that size there is a good chance she isn't feeling that at the moment. There is a good chance there are still hurt feelings on her part too even if she hasn't said so. I think the best pan is for you to take sex off the table for now and focus on repairing some of the bonds between you two. You might find she feels ready again after a few days if you are getting on a lot better.
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