| A
male
,
*d
writes: well i'm a 30 yr old fireman who recently ended a long, loving relationship..she was younger than i (23) , but we were engaged and had bought a house..i found some pictures of her with another man and i initially broke it off..after a few weeks i decided it was too important to me and i treid to talk it out with her..she no longer wanted to talk, no longer wanted the relationship, didn't care if i sold our house, ectt..i was extremely hurt and confused and i basically had to come to grips with it on my own b/c i never got an expalnation..it has been 8 or 9 months..recently, i recieved and e-mail from her asking how things were going..she had heard that a few fireman got hurt near me and wanted to see if all was ok..i responded in anger and told her that it is ridculous to try and be friends if i have never gotten the honest truth..she tells me its not important now and that our past r elationship should have no place in us trying to be friends now..she said she was sorry for hurting me, but doesn't want to "resolve past issues"..then she says she cried while she was writing the e-mail back to me..i wrote one last e-mail saying that at one time she was important to me and that she really devastated my life..i also said that i don't need someone as my friend who still can't be honest with me..i told her that she needs to be honest with me so i can go on in life anger free and with some forgiveness and ahe can go on guilt free (i'm assuming she is guilty about something b/c she cannot talk about the subject without crying)..3 days she still hasn't responded..someone make some sense please
View related questions:
engaged Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2006): Seems like what you really need is to get away from her. You're hurting and angry and emotionally unstable around her. Best thing to do, and to keep things short and to the point, is NOT contact her. Easy said than done? Well of course! You want her to hear you out, but she doesn't want to. She probably wants to retain some form of friendship with you, but you're pissed off and emotionally attached to your past with her.
Best thing to do is do your own thing. Forgetting her and diluting the past will come in time.
A
female
reader, joeymac +, writes (9 September 2006):
it sounds like she really misses the friendship u both had and although she doesn't want to go back to having a romantic relationship just yet or ever, the truth is that she misses u. she's feeling guilty and distressed about the way things ended and is trying to say sorry in her own timid way as she is scared that u'l shout and be abusive to her, which to be fair u have (understandably). if u love her and can't bare the thought of just being friends and nothing else then u need to tell her and she needs to accept it even though it might be hard for her. if u can put what happened behind u and agree to be friends then take it from there no looking back as the past relationship doesn't matter anymore, u'l have started a fresh one, and see where it goes from there. good luck xxx
...............................
A
male
reader, fd +, writes (9 September 2006):
fd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionof course i still love her. i really doubt she was trying to start fresh though..seems more like she is trying to be e-mail buddies and ask how life is going every once in a while..i really don't know..everytime we get into these convo's she drives home the point that she is not looking to reconcile the past, talk about it, ect ect..but then goes on to say she cares about me, wants us to be part of each others lives, and wants to be there for me in my hard times?? i just don't get it
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2006): She hasn't responded likely because she may know how useless it is to talk to you and try to be friends. Let's be honest, was she looking for just friendship or perhaps a fresh start at what you had? What's her present relationship status? If she's in a relationship with someone else, you would be wise to end all contact and allow yourself to heal. Because when there is one hurt person and one guilty person...a friendship will not work.
Look it, dear...you've been in limbo for 8-9 months, trying to move on-to recover. Now she e-mails you again and you two are just start dancing around here, inflicting all sorts of hurt and pain on each other. She's crying and wracked with guilt, you're pissed off holding onto her past mistake, which is only eating away at you. When is all this dysfunction between you both, going to stop? One of you has to make the adult decision, to end all this. The longer you both keep this up, the longer it will take for you to recover and the longer you hang onto useless anger and bitterness. It's not worth it, dear.
You don't say you still love her. But you've responded quite strongly to her e-mails..so I'm assuming you do love her..a lot. If so, have you considered starting afresh with her? If she's not in a relationship and you want her back and she's responsive to that, can you learn to forgive her-and learn to trust again? Is she worth all the efforts and the hard work? I am not saying it will happen but if you both find each other again, try to remember one important thing. Everything that has been discussed and sorted out in regards to this "cheating incident" or this past pain she inflicted on you, it is now important to remember to not give the incident more power than it deserves, by dredging it up. Bury it in the past and move forward to a happier future with her. The focus now-is finding ways you can move on with your lives together, with a new and improved cheat-proof relationship and it is possible. Many, many couples do this and succeed. Respect for each other, good communication will be the key to your road to recovery with her. Talking..rebuilding..setting boundries.
Exploring new happiness will help your relationship mend and move on greatly. You will have to make a permanent note in your mind that nobody is perfect but everyone deserve forgiveness for their mistakes. If you have been genuinely apologized to and promised that it will never happen again, then open your heart and give her a chance. So if a reconciliation is in your future with her, then work as a team and be each other's strength in putting the past behind you, looking at it as a learning experience, which will assist you in making your love cheat-proof from this point on. I wish you both peace and happiness. Take Care.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2006): First of all I'm sorry to hear that your relationship ended as it did. Secondly, move on! Staying angry, wanting answers when there aren't any keeps you in this relationship and quite frankly you're in it alone! She is guilty as charged but she will live with the thoughts of maybe..just maybe she let THE ONE!! slip through her fingers.. You need to reconcile with yourself that this one failed. She let you down, get over it and show the world you're ready to be loved and are worth loving. You said yourself, you can't be friends with someone who can't be honest. you'll never get the answer you want, I've been there done it!!! You can't be friends with her and you must stop the emails before she messes with your head completely. She hasn't got anyone at the moment so she wants you to fill the time and when the next one comes along bye bye you again!!! Harsh but true. Good luck hun x
...............................
|
