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*ndy J
writes: Hi...im feeling very very messed up at the moment, im 19 and i have been with my partner (who is the same age) for nearlly 3years, yesterday (22nd July 2006) i got a phone call which i have been expecting because she hasn't been herself anymore, and it was her saying "i dont think i want to be with you any more", so i said so are you breaking up with me? she said yes and its because i dont love you anymore, and now she doesnt wanna go on holiday which ive all paid for, its tearin me apart...Because of this i havent been eating, and i havent eaten anything apart from a packet of crisps in 4days, because i no were never going be 2gether again and its breaking my heart and me...Im worried that I will do something desperate when i no theres defently no chance of getting back 2gether...She's going to uni in September, and shes said that she needs/wants time to herself to work out who she is and what she wants from life...Im now at rock bottom and ready to try and end all this shit, i no people will think its a cry for help but its not, its totally the opposite.I would do anything for her and i love her so so much, and not seeing her and cuddling her is just killing me inside.Her best friend said "but u both have to want the same things and if i change i wont be the person she fell in love with" - So how can she fall in love with me, then fall out of love with me???Bec if you ever read this, I love you more than life and I really am hurting.
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reader, Andy J +, writes (20 August 2006):
Andy J is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanx guys...one last thing though...I bumped into her 2 weeks ago on a thursday night in a club in mk, felt weird but nice to see her @ the same time! She then says that she still loves and misses me and so we start kissing for like 1/2 hour.Then she goes home and txts me when she gets there and we have a little txt chat, then we met up on the saturday night because she said she wants to talk about "us"...then she was txting me on her lunch break on the friday and i thought things were possibly looking up, hummmmm.....So we meet up and she said "what do i want from her"? so obviously i said silly question, what do u want from me?...she originally said to try and be civil etc, but then on saturday night and friday evening she was sayin her heart and head are telling her 2 different things and shes very confused etc at the moment....Then we got dropped off @ her house, had a cuddle and a kiss and said goodbye and she started the water works on me, so i left and went home...On the Sunday she went to crewe with her mate to go and see one of their mates @ the uni for a week, and on the sunday morning i txt her saying have a good time etc...she replys with "look i dont think im ready to have contact with u just yet cos i still have feelings for that i need to work out b4 i can be friends with you, and im so confused on what do, please give me some space"....So back to f**king square 1 then...Anyway i txt her on the wednesday saying " i need to meet you on saturday night @ 8pm cos its my turn to talk to, but i do need a chat"...no reply...Txt her on the friday saying "i can def pick u up, so c u @ 8"...1txt back saying "well i wont be there cos im up north...remember"She told me she was only goin for a week...Is she just messing with my head and fuckin with me on purpose, or what the hells going on?...help me guys, i was doin ok b4 i saw her, now im back to square 1 all over again!!!!!.....
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reader, BuBbY +, writes (24 July 2006):
 Firstly i am really sorry to hear about your break up. I am going through the exact same thing as you, my partner of two years left me 5 days ago. We had been living together for 2 years and had a very intense relationship. I can not empathise with you enough. The pain does feel as if it will never end, you feel like you are empty and are nothing without this person in your life. You see no future and have no hope for anything.IF there is any chance of her wanting you back you have to give her some space. Drop the contact and let her spend time to think and possibly miss you. In the same breath, she has already made it quite certain it is the end, she has been honest and for this you must "try" as much as possible to bring yourself out of the pit of despair you are in. Seek help from as many supportive people as you can. Force yourself to do some normal things so you have a small break away from the continuous pain and thoughts of her. Have a bath, watch a comedy, do the washing up, talk to people.You will soon begin to wonder and question what future you have without her in it, you will choose to start excepting what has happened and decide to stay in the pit or to make your own effort to stop the pain. You are supposed to be hurting and you will for a long time because your body and mind are going through a traumatic time, emotionaly, chemicaly and physicaly. You are going through a withdrawel.I am only 5 days in and with the support of some amazing friends i am begining to think about what i need to do for myself if i want this pain to end quicker. I am trying to remain focused on the things i am good for, why i deserve to carry on and the experiences i have ahead of me to choose.You will get through this, as will i and it will be the most painfull yet most rewarding thing you will do. The strength you will gain from this will help you to appreciate you for who you are, a loving and deserving person in life, you will give yourself pride and esteam for getting through such a hard time and coming out of the other end a more focused, determined, stronger and loving person.Keep your chin up and ask for as much help as you can. Good luck, i am thinking about you :)
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reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (24 July 2006):
 It's time for you to move on and build a life without this girl.
It sounds like she was totally honest with you. For that I give her a ton of credit. Now you have choices.
First choice: Accept her decision and begin the healing process. Get to a place in your life where you can get up in the morning and look to a future of endless possibilities. It won't happen instantly - it will take time for you to properly grieve in the wake of this failed relationship. But with the right attitude and support system you WILL get there.
Second choice: Continue devising ways to get her back despite her clear intention to move on without you. Not only will this choice delay the grieving process but it will also cause you to spend years in the wilderness. I've been there and chosen this path - it was hell and I hope I never choose this path again. Only when (or if) you choose to leave the wilderness will you begin the healing (see the first choice).
As I said in my previous post, start building your support system again. It will be the best way for you to see the endless possibilities of your future. Good luck and take care.
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reader, Andy J +, writes (24 July 2006):
Andy J is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx 4 the replys guys...
But last night i was in hospital cos i was quite ill and her cousin took me cos im quite good mates with him, when i was there he txt her telling her...then she called him and sounded really woried and concerned on the phone and wanted to no what was going on when i came out...
So i txt her when i got out saying sorry to bother/worry u but etc etc...she txt me back saying "well wot did u do? u didnt try topin urself did u?"...so txt her back saying no, its cos of other things (not eatin etc etc) are u ok?...
No reply so rung her and she answerd, she was in crewe with her friend at the uni (we both live in milton keynes), she sounded like she really didnt care on the phone to me, now she doesnt want to talk to me or see me...
its 12.30 on the 24th july ive just rang her and shes said shes defently made the right decision cos it feels right for her, she said that shes been thinking bout it 4 a long time and the sparks not there 4 her anymore, and she definetly doesnt wanna go on holiday which is all booked on the 30th august any more...
ive just txt her and said "well thanks for explaining how its not there 4 u anymore, but ur not the person i thought u were anymore, im gunna miss u like mad and yea i still love u, being a mug cos i do but its true...txt me soon, take care baby girl xxx"...
so there is absolutly nothing i can do is there...if any1's got any ideas on how to try and get her back, let me np plz...thanx aj...
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2006): Andy
I was dumped 4 months ago after 8 years I know what you are going through I wont go into chapter and verse but the advice you have already received from this website is spot on and worth its weight in gold. You will hurt for ages but you will get over it try and get your appetite back and look after yourself. It may not feel great at the moment but you have got your future back and it really is her loss. Chin up.
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reader, Andy J +, writes (24 July 2006):
Andy J is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanxs for the replys guys, i was in hospital last night with her cousin because ive been pretty ill. her cousin txt her to tell her and she rang him and sounded really concerned on the phone and wanted to no when i come out whats wrong...so i txt her wen i left and she just replyed "well wot did u do? u didnt try toppin ur self did u?" - that was it, - so i txt her back and said no...then no reply so i rang her...only to find out she was in crewe university with her friend (we both live in milton keynes) and she sounded like she really didnt care, i asked her if we could meet up in the week - she said we'll arange a time 2 swap stuff back but maybe it'll be better if i get my dad to do it!!! i obviously said no cos i wanted to see her, i said so u dont wanna c me...she said no...i asked if we could talk now and again...she said no when uve just broken up with sum1 u dont speak and see them all the time do you.....so all of that has just put me at rock bottom now, there must be away to try and sort this so anyone with a good idea please let me no...thanx
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reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (24 July 2006):
Whatever you do Andy, don't further isolate yourself from your support system. If this means heading back to your therapist then so be it.
When you were with Bec you probably didn't realize the extent to which you became isolated from that support system. It is time for you to rebuild it in such a way that you never abandon it again.
I almost abandoned my support system when I was 20 years old. In the wake of being dumped by my girlfriend, I withdrew within myself. Had I not abandoned my support system I would have made some different choices back then and probably minimized the time I took to heal.
Fast forward to today (19 years later), where I have a support system that I never intend to abandon. I also have a great marriage, which is another form of support. But I don't know what the future holds, and for that reason I maintain my support system, which is a handful of friends scattered throughout the world. If, heaven forbid, I ever lose my family I know that I can count on my support system.
It may not seem possible now, but I am living proof that you can get through this traumatic break up AND end up in a better place. Just work hard on that support system for now.
Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2006): Hey buddy I know what your going through trust me i'm 25 years old and when I was 19 my girlfriend of 5 years left me 4 someone else and I was a mess for such along time I was worse then you trust me. As time passed I saw that things got easier for me and then one day i noticed that break up was the best thing that ever happend to me it changed me in ways that would have not happend if we were still together. What you go through in life only turns you into a man. Things will get better trust me go out and enjoy yourself and you will meet someone twice as good as bec
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2006): okay so my advice isn't so positive, but i've been through what your going through right now. Last year, May 21st to be exact my boyfriend of 2 years called me and asked me what he thought about "us" i knew what he was getting at becuase i had felt no connection for the past month with him, and he wouldn't even look me in the eyes and kiss me during sexual encounters, so i knew it was coming, but i tried to hold in my tears when he said "i don't want a relationship anymore" it literally ate away my insides me eyes rolled in the back of my head and is starting choking on my words, i simply said "okay" so that i wouldn't cry then he asked me if i even cared and i exploded with tears until i threw up he ment the absolute world to me even though i was only a mear girlfriend and hook up for him. I told him i loved him a week before he dumped me, and you know what he said? he said "i'm scared of that word" i felt like the smallest piece of nothing existing in a world where i didn't belong, and still today i haven't moved on from his loss, i've tried hooking up with other people and getting back at him, but it only hurts my own feelings becuase i had aboslutly no connection with these other people. And recently this fall/winter/summer we would hang out but it was always the most awkward thing because i feel like out whole relationship was based on our sex lives and we had nothing in commen anymore, until that was things moved into the bedroom, and now he treats me like i'm his absolute last resort for sex becuase he knows i love him and would do anything to interact with him, even if it ment hurting myself more. So my advice is don't only take what you can get, set something free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, you never had it, thats what i'm trying so hard to do right now, and i wish you luck.
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reader, chazx  +, writes (23 July 2006):
 hello andy my name is charlotte i am 16 years old i was with my boyfriend a very long time and he did something that was unbearable for me i felt i was cracking up and i just wanted to crawl under a stone and die but i didnt i had to pull myself together for me n my family i couldnt just hurt them even more then i already have i really loved him and he did this thing so like i do know what you are going through i didnt eat for nearly a weak made myself really ill so pull yaself together and get over her because you have to get back on your feet and show her you aint gonna crawl up and die because she dumped ya ok.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2006): Listen honey, i;m in the same situation as you! I am also 19 and have recently split with my boyfriend of 3 years, i was just like you, didnt eat, couldnt sleep and thought that my life was nothing without him, thing is though mate, there is more to life than a girlfriend, i've only just realised this! I know your hurting, and i know you so upset, but this will heal, pull yourself together not for her sake but for yours, you think starving yourself is going to make things better?! Let her see you looking good, then maybe she'll have second thoughts but the main thing is...your only 19! You have your whole life ahead of you, trust me! you think she wants too see you as an emotional mess or someone who is dealikng with things and moving on, you will get better i know it, i did, hope everything works out for you fella xx
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