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male
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anonymous
writes: recently my partner went abroad wth friends for 5 weeks, subconsciously i was asking lots of questions about male company ect, and my girlfriend became annoyed at this. i appologised for my actions and told her that it was because i felt jealous that i could not see her whlast everybody else could. however, she did not seem interested in my reason and is currently rejecting my calls ect...what should i do?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (24 July 2006):
 Is there more to this situation than you've put down in your letter? Most women would be greatly annoyed to have their boyfriends hint that they were cheating, and she'd be right to freeze you out if you did.
Then again, most women would forgive you after a day or two if you apologised sincerely for intimating that she was a cheap tart.
That's why I wonder if there's more to this than meets the eye. Did you go over the top and attack her verbally about your fears, for example, and neglect to tell us that? Or did her evasive response give you reason to believe that you were right in your speculation?
If she was having an innocent holiday and you erupted into a jealous rage when she got back, then you might have a long wait ahead of you before she forgives you. Maybe a *very* long wait.
On the other hand, if you found something concrete (an open condom packet comes to mind) and asked pointed questions that she parried with bluff and outrage, then maybe she's too embarrassed to admit what went on.
Whatever happened and however the confrontation played out, you don't have much choice but to wait and see what she wants to do. Relationships are joint ventures, and you don't have the authority to force her to love you, or talk to you or forgive you, any more than she can insist you never be jealous. You both have to work around the other's feelings.
Right now she sounds too angry/embarrassed to respond to your phone calls, so don't call her any more. It's a waste of time and will only make you more annoyed.
Why not send her a postal letter? It's far too much trouble to "reject" it, like she can do with a phone call, so there's no way in the world she'll mark it "return to sender" and hump it all the way down to the post office to send back to you. In fact, there's a very good chance that she'll be curious enough about it to open and read it, simply because it's so unusual.
In the letter - and don't make it 30 pages long; one or two is plenty - simply say that you're sorry that what you had has taken such a bad turn, because you love her and you miss her company. Let her know that you want to work out the problem, that she can contact you and that you'll be pleased to hear from her, whenever.
That way, you're not dragging the argument out, and you're not accepting the blame. You're only saying you miss her.
The other thing you may need to do in the meantime is start doing a bit of self-analysis. Were you too harsh and jealous with her, just because of your own fears? You have to remember that no relationship will last without trust from both partners. Do you have that with her? If you don't, do you think you can learn it? Or will this happen over and over again? Remember, you can't prevent her from having contact with other men for the rest of her life, so what happens the next time?
A
female
reader, chazx  +, writes (23 July 2006):
 hello well i think maybe she needs some space dont give up just cool it a bit and wait for her.
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