A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:After nearly 24 years of marriage my husband, aged 51, announced to me that 'the biggest regret of his life was that he hadn't had sex with more women'. I also found out at the same time that he had lied to me about being a virgin when we met and that he had in fact had sex with one other person before he met me. I had always felt so secure with him, but this kind of talk has made me feel very insecure. I just don't feel the same about him now, I wish I could but don't know how to.
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male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (9 December 2009):
 Every responder seems to have offered excellent insight on this issue, much of which may be similar to my offered summation. It is simple, or maybe not. Your husband's announced "regret" is nothing new, and common at his age.
Whether a man has enjoyed two, ten, twenty, fifty of a hundred women, they are likely to wish they had savored ever more when they near the autumn years. How well do I know myself, and I believe this to be quite common. But the simple truth is that one cannot alter the past without an operable time machine.
The surprise here is that your husband bothered to mention this matter to you, and my wonder is: Why? Obviously, it disturbs you that he raised the issue, even if typical of a man his age. I have occasionally thought of lost opportunities, and realize that I could have done better if I knew back when what I know today. But such thoughts are frivolous and serve no purpose other than in fantasy dreams.
Still, I wonder why he announced it to you. Perhaps he is thinking of meandering while he still has a chance, or he is just being very honest about thoughts that we all entertain at an mature age. This is possibly some reason for concern for you. My only suggestion, without knowing more about your lifestyle, is to keep your sex life varied and adventurous.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Sometimes our mid-life crises suck our brains out. A friend of mine told his wife that he had a crush on a girl at work. Hello? There are some things you keep to yourself, and that's one of them. As was your husband's comment.
However, since he brought it up, it would be perfectly reasonable for you to ask him what he hoped to accomplish by mentioning it. It might just be his way of opening the door to a discussion of your sex life. In which case, rather than feeling insecure, you should be very glad he hasn't chosen to let tensions build to the breaking point.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): Hi honey,
Well I can understand why this is freaking you out, but if you look at it from a different perspective, there are some things that are very nice about it. I think you are freaking out because you are translating this to mean that somehow you are "not enough" or that your husband is lusting after some mysterious "other women". This may not be the case at all.
First of all, your husband is openly telling you how he feels. The anonymous aunt said she has those feelings, but keeps them to herself. Your husband sees you as someone he can tell anything to. That's really priceless. Most people don't have that. I dream of that kind of honesty.
He's 51, and that's a pretty natural time to be looking back on his life. Men equate vitality with sex in a big way, and while our female biological imperative is to keep our man close, and that's what brings us a sense of security and comfort, for men, their biology drives them to spread it around, so to speak. I think what your husband is really wishing for is that old feeling of vitality. He clearly felt that you were more important than multiple sexual experience for the past 24 years, and that's a huge compliment to you.
Our feelings don't always make sense, and they are definitely not always "PC". But I think if he feels close enough to you to share this, then can you find a way to accept it without making it about you? Feelings are not acts. So if you can accept his confusing feelings with love, I think that will only make him closer and more appreciative of you. However, if you decide to make this all about you and freak out, then that will only drive him away, and make him feel more confused on top of this "mid-life crisis" he's struggling with. Be tougher than that honey.
You two have made it 24 years and he's made you feel secure all that time? Wow. That's huge and powerful. I would absolutely kill to have that. Be proud of that, give your husband a little leeway to sort himself out and not make sense for a while. Don't freak out. Be grateful.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 wooops, sounds like he just got hit by the old age bus!
A midlife crisis, I dont think his sleeping with somebody else prior to you is a big deal, also can understand him lieing about it, dont agree with it, but understand it.
Not much you can do for him, apart from try not to take it personally (hard I know) and hunker down to sit it out.
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A
male
reader, Male20 +, writes (8 December 2009):
now im only 20 so cant really relate to his age however,he has openly told you this hasnt he? he isnt suggesting that that is what he is going to do, in a way it is just a fantasy, its him pondering over what he could have done.Im sure you would want to change some of your past. Im sure you should take some reassurance in the fact you have been together for 24years!does he constantly mention it or has this topic been mentioned once and brushed over?
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female
reader, Miss Polly +, writes (8 December 2009):
 I agree that he seems to have reached somekind of midlife crisis.
What he said wasn't very pleasant for you and I can understand it making you feel insecure and sad; you thought you knew this person, but it turns out you didn't as well as you thought.
I think it would be wise for you to tell him how hurt you feel at what he said and ask him why he felt the need to lie to you about being a virgin when you got together.
Try not to think that him wishing he'd had more sexual experience means he regrets spending the last 24 years with you because I'm sure that's really not the case and that he just made the mistake of thinking outloud in a way that was fleeting.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): I have been married for a little longer than you, and honestly, I wish that I had slept with more men... but that is something that I keep totally to myself....
I think that if you need to talk to him and find out exactly how he is feeling, he has told you this for a reason, so whatever the outcome... be prepared.
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A
female
reader, MsFrankie +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Sorry you're going through this. That must hurt a lot. It's a shame to realise though that I think this is actually quite a normal - human - thing to think, and many men and women as well go through the same though process. You need to talk to him about whether the fact that he married you and had a happy life with you outweighs any regrets he might have about not sleeping with other women. If he says that it does then this is something you will be able to work through and you will have to deal with the fact that your husband is just being honest about his sexual feelings with you (which a lot of men would not discuss with their partners). If he says that it doesn't - well that's another story and maybe you should think about going to see a marriage guidance counsellor/sex therapist to talk through the issues.
The fact that he slept with another woman before you should not be a major deal. I know it must hurt that he lied to you for all this time but he would have done so to spare your feelings. Remember that you're the one he fell in love with and married, and that's what matters.
Good luck. I hope it works out alright.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 December 2009):
Sounds like the midlife crisis to me. Some men go through this kind of thing I'm afraid. I would suggest asking him why he feels that way. You might not like the answer, but it's better than you sitting there twiddling your thumbs wondering what was wrong with you.
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