A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I are living together and have been for one year. Prior to this we had broken up for about 2 months, in this time he told me he was still in love with his ex. I was so gutted!! We had been together for two years and so happy and when he dropped this on me... I was beside myself. Anyhows.. he came back to me and told me that he made a mistake and he wanted me back and we talked for ages then we got back together.. but now ONE YEAR later... I still cannot bring myself to love him the way I did. I just don't feel the same anymore. Do you think this is an issue of forgiveness??? We are good together and is love really as important?? We are great friends if anything. I even find it hard to be physical with him! Please advise me good people??
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (18 September 2009):
 I am so sorry for you. You've made a deep emotional commitment to someone and here you find out that he's still in love with another woman.
But from what you wrote, he was honest with you.
There's a way to fix this situation, but its going to take a great deal of patience on your end and he has to really make some efforts here for you.
If he's no longer talking to or seeing his ex then you're fine. What he's telling you is that he's still trying to get over her but he loves you and he's stayed with you.
Its an issue of forgiveness. You need to sit down with him and the two of you need to open up to each other. There has to be a lot of love between you, and he needs to show you that you mean more to him than his ex and that's important. You also have to understand that deep in his heart he has a conflict too. And you need to recognize that he's hurting too and he needs to know that this issue hurts you. He regrets telling you this and I am certain that the two of you can work this out and heal each other.
Its that simple.
I know you don't want to end up competing with the ghost of a woman in his past. But the fact of the matter is that there's always going to be people in our lives, who are no longer involved, who have left impressions on us. Its just a fact of life.
And if you two focus on you as a couple, and each others' emotional and physical needs, things will be much better.
He knows that you're the one that loves him now. And he knows that your love is very important to him. That's why he regrets what he did and he came back to be with you.
Why break it off with him, if in fact he's been sincere with you and wants you. Why make him suffer more when he came to you and told you something that was bothering him?
Try and forgive him with your heart. No matter what, it seems he trusts you so much, and has so much faith in you that he opened up to tell you this. That means in a way he wanted you to help him. Now that you're over the shock, you can finally help him and help yourself too. Forgiveness also means healing and the two of you seem to be so close that it would be better to do this anyway.
Even if you remain friends, the pain will be gone. But I suspect if you two get through this issue together, you'll have a much stronger love for each other.
A
female
reader, Julie D  +, writes (18 September 2009):
Hi i hve met quite a few guys like him over the years believe me they never change. Always jumping backwards and fofeward between 1 girl 2 another, never happy with what they have. i think u have come to the right conclusion already, friendship. u r better of being just friends than in a close relationship, and friendship lasts longer.but if he cannot except being friends then a complete break would be better than trying to stick it out.
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A
female
reader, Amy1090 +, writes (18 September 2009):
I went through something similar to you. My ex and me were together for 4 years and about 3 yrs into the rship he dropped a bombshell saying he still loved his ex. I told him to get out of my flat and to never return again.
However 5 months down the line I relised I still loved him and wanted him to change his mind. I did everything in my power to get him to stay with me. So 7 months after we broke up he moved back in with me (big mistake!). One day I phoned him up at home and my number was on witheld.. and he just picked up and said " thank god .... (his exs name) .. you phoned me back. I miss you like hell" I was like.. what the fuck. I told him to come and collect his stuff. He tried to wiggle out of it but I wasnt letting him get away with it.
How can you be with someone you cant love? How can you be with someone that when you have sex it just doesnt feel right? Do you REALLY want to be with this guy in 5/10 years time?
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