A
female
age
30-35,
*bonyBlossom
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. I'm 20 and he's 23. In all other respects our relationship is great but it's just the sex life that is a mess. I'll give you a bit of background on our sex lives before we were together.I lost my virginity when I was 17 to my ex, who was also a virgin at the time. I never enjoyed it, it was always painful and uncomfortable. We'd just lay in bed in missionary until he was finished. But because we were only having sex for five months I thought it hadn't improved because I was still new to it and it would get better. He was my only other sexual partner.My boyfriend has had 12 sexual partners before me (5 girlfriends and 7 one night stands I believe, but don't worry, no STDs.) From what he tells me, they were all satisfied (or at least pretended to be) and they used to have sex regularly in all sorts of places and positions trying out different things.I thought when I started going out with him that the sex life would suddenly be amazing because of all the experience he had. But the first time was exactly the same as my ex - we laid in bed in missionary until he was finished and I found it very uncomfortable. And nothing has changed. I didn't exactly hide the fact that I didn't like it, as I never gave him any signs I was enjoying it (moans, telling him what to do etc,) and many times I had to tell him to stop because it was just too painful. I think this really knocked his confidence in the bedroom as before me he had thought that he was good in bed. Now we both avoid sex. It only happens about once a month and often ends in me having to ask him to stop. We can get pleasure in other ways but we rarely do it. Usually one of us is too tired for sex and we have to be up early in the mornings (he works full time and I'm a full time student), and we very rarely get any time alone together because we're currently living with my parents who are always at home in the evenings (although my boyfriend is moving into a house share in the next couple of weeks.) On several occassions I have wanted sex and he's turned me down due to 'being too tired' or 'just not being in the mood' (whether this is true or if it's because his confidence is so low I don't know.) I know he thinks about sex and finds me attractive because he sometimes masturbates when I'm not there (and I do the same) and he's often grabbing my bum and boobs and telling me how much he loves them. He does have pictures on his phone of celebrities who he finds attractive and I find this upsetting and have confronted him about it but he says he wouldn't be upset if I had pictures of celebrities I find attractive on my phone, and that it doesn't mean he doesn't find me attractive. I don't make an effort to turn him on or dress sexy or anything because I'm scared of rejection, or that it will start well and end in tears. He's asked me lots of times to give him a lapdance but I always put it off because my confidence is so low.I discussed going to the doctor with him as sex is always painful for me, and he said "jokingly" that they would say 'no theres nothing wrong with you, your boyfriend's just s*** in bed.' I think he feels like it's his fault. He has no confidence in the bedroom, and on the rare occassions we have sex, I just find it too painful and uncomfortable to enjoy. I just don't know what to do, its really hurting me. I'm embarrassed about talking about it as I'm really old fashioned and keep thinking it's a stupid thing to get upset about and that sex shouldn't be important.
View related questions:
boobs, confidence, in the mood, lapdance, lost my virginity, my ex, one night stand, sex life, std Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2012): If u are having painful intercourse, there is something wrong that needs checked out. Even if a guy sucks in bed, it shouldn't be painful. And it sounds like it has really affected ur guys self esteem. I believe the problem is medical and there are other women who suffer from it. I don't remember what the diagnosis was, but u need to tell a doctor.
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (28 April 2012):
It always a problem when you have sex with someone you can't talk openly with. What turns us each on is different, do know what does it for you? If you don't know then how will your bf? and how experienced is he really? If I were a woman the number of one night stands would be a red flag. I'm sure their experience wasn't his prime concern. If you want to make the relationship work then start talking and go back to the 101 on sex and learn it together. Learn to satisfy each other without sex and then the sex will turn great. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 April 2012):
 well then half the fun is saying to him
"honey I don't know WHAT I like... can we try xxxx tonight???"
also have you talked to a doctor about the pain? there may be things that can be done to help you with that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): If you both fancy each other like mad and want to please each other, it should be easy. But that's not always the case. If you have had pain with both partners I would see a doctor just to check all is fine in that department. If all is well, take the lead yourself. After three years together you may feel embarrassed about suddenly becoming a minx in the bedroom, but it is your only hope.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (27 April 2012):
EbonyBlossom is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the advice. In all honesty, I'm glad you all said what I was thinking. I think deep down I knew I needed to take the plunge, I guess I've just been too scared to do it in case it doesn't work. The other problem is that I can't tell him what I like because I don't know... =[
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (27 April 2012):
 Well, you're both not helping each other. From the get go, you should have been taking more of the lead and showing him what kind of stuff you like, and taking more control. He's not great in missionary? Get on top, girl and show him how it's done!
I can understand how his confidence is just battered, if every time you have sex, you're clearly miserable and eventually ask him to stop. That sort of reinforcement naturally would make him wary of any sexual contact. I'm positive he thinks that he has failed to please you and that you feel like he's crap in the sack. And the reality is, it's kind of true.
I think you are the one who needs to change it up. clearly he wants you, you said that. So why not try some of the things he's suggested? Dress up in something that makes you feel sexy, dim the lights, turn up some music, and do a little strip tease... use your mouth, show HIM foreplay, and you take more control! I truly doubt you'll get rejected, especially if you're feeling like a sex queen. The only way the sex is going to get better is if you get gutsy and take some ownership over your sex life. Having great sex is not just his responsibility, but BOTH of your responsibilities!
Also, you need lube. And a new position to start in. That will help the pain.
It takes practice, variety, and enthusiasm. It's not working, or it doesn't feel right? Keep changing positions until something clicks! And always keep a good attitude... because it's super fun (even if it's not great sex) if you're both laughing and smiling together.
Good luck, sweet!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2012): You have been together for three years and you are still young enough to find that it is new and fun and exciting every time.
Time to do a makeover of he bedroom at the very least. Get rid of the clutter from the bedroom Get some new bed linen. Is it lack of privacy? Are there other adults around in the house and so you do not want to make much noise.
At the very least book a weekend away and make some use of the article shown below.
Stop being worried about rejection. Get a sexy negligee and drop your inhibitions. You have nothing to lose excespt a lousy sex life.
Here are some tips to use to help.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/spicing-up-your-sex-life.html
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (27 April 2012):
 Wow. I'm sorry that your sex life is going this bad. I agree that your boyfriend confidence is probably low when it comes to being intimate with him, because you don't give him any positive indicators in bed. You also don't communicate with him enough to let him know what you DO like. So what does he do?... Masturbate on his own, and reject any sex with you because he knows the outcome (you basically telling him to just get off). Confidence plays a huge role in the bedroom. If he feels that he's not doing it right, you're not enjoying having sex with him, you're not moaning, groaning, etc., then sex is not going to be great with him. He has no motivation to do well- or to capitalize off of the last performance. Because what he sees from you... is the sex life is just bland. Now you also didn't mention any sizes. Is he or your ex too big (which can be too painful during sex for many women)? Have you tried using lubes? What about switching positions? Have you mentioned changing things up? Now because your confidence is low as well, you don't do the things that he would like (a lap dance, dressing up for him, etc). So what should be done about this?1. Communicate. Have a serious conversation to find out what you both like, and what you both can do to make your sex life better... and less painful. 2. Buy sex instructional DVDs and watch together (like porn star Nina Hartley Guide To Making Love series).3. See a sex therapist. A sex therapist can help you both work on the issues in your and help guide you on a better path towards a better sex life.Here is an article also that may be beneficial for you (just substitute the word he for she, guy for girl etc. I wrote the article initially for men- but it can be beneficial for women to read as well)...http://www.dearcupid.org/question/guys-create-a-plan-list-for-a-romantic.htmlBest Wishes!
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