A
female
age
41-50,
*J99
writes:Bare with me this a long one. I met this man (DB) when I was 15, I am now 29. He was my teacher my sophomore year in high school. There was a ton of chemistry between us but we never acted on it besides lots of flirting, occasional hugs, and "accidently" brushing up against each other while passing in the hall. I knew then that I loved him and that someday we would be together. After that year he left the school I was at and we remained in touch through phone calls and occasionally meeting for lunch or dinner. I could tell then that he wanted me as much as I wanted him but we would not cross that line until I was at the age of consent. When I graduated from high school I decided to stay at home and attend a local college to save money. By now I was 18 and legal, needless to say DB and I began sleeping together on a regular basis. I was 18 and he was 33 at the time. He had a girlfriend that I knew about, but he swore up and down he didn't love her like he loved me and we just needed to wait until I was out of college to be together. (I know, I know it's a line of crap, but I was young and naive). My parents never knew and would not have approved because of the age difference and because when he was my teacher rumors surfaced that we were sleeping together although it was untrue at the time. They hated him none the less, and all our communication and seeing each other was done in secret. Although I was 18 I was dependent on my parents because they helped me out with school tutition. So keeping our relationship secret was vital. So he kept his girlfriend and I saw him and slept with him in secret 3 times a week for about 9 months. I lost my virginity to him and was happy to do so. I loved him more than anything in the world and I thought he hung the moon. He was so kind, smart, and made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. We had a connection like nothing I had or have experienced before. Our relationship ended because as it turns out he was engaged. The woman was his fiancée not just his girlfriend. He let me know this by not returning my calls for a couple of weeks and sending me a wedding invitation. When I received the invite I tried calling him to confront him, but the coward would not ever call me back. I should have gone to his home and confronted him but I was young and stupid. My heart was broken and I couldn't tell anyone about it. I was afraid of his fiancée finding out because although we live in a fairly big town we traveled in small circles. And she has a history of violence. I was afraid that she would hurt me if she ever found out. So I just dealt with my pain and tried to move on with my life. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.A few years into his marriage I got a phone call from him. I could tell he was trying to reconnect in hopes of starting an affair. I was still angry and hurt and was in the beginnings of a relationship myself with a guy I'll call NR. Not to mention, he was married and I was not about to go there. I tried to tell him how much he hurt me and how angry I was, but he cut me off and said he was in a bad place to talk about this and that he would call me back and give me all the answers to my question. He did call back, but left a message and when I returned his call, he never called me back. Throughout the years we have come into contact a few more times via email. He did sincerely apologize for hurting me but never told me why he ended things the way he did. I could tell that the emails from him were hopeful of rekindling our relationship but I just could never bring myself to give him the ok. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't do that to his wife. I continued my relationship with NR. Although I loved this man I never ever stopped thinking about DB. I know he is a cheater, a coward, and a jerk, but I loved him since I was 15. No man has ever made me feel the way he did. I would think about him all the time. I ended up marrying the man NR and we have been married for 2 years. I love him, but it is nothing at all like the love I felt for DB. My husband is a good man, he is moral, a hard worker and makes me laugh. But emotionally he is cold and has trouble expressing himself. I know he loves me but he has a hard time telling me or showing me. Our sex life used to be great but after we got married it has dwindled down to almost nothing. He has also become very selfish in bed, which DB never was. I know it is not fair to compare the two but I think these differences make what DB and I had even more intoxicating. I still think about DB all the time. Somedays I miss him so much it literally hurts me. I feel like I can't breathe. I will lay in bed next to my husband and be thinking about DB. I love it when I dream of him because it is the only way I get to see him. I refuse to make contact with him because of my marriage and his. I have googled him and facebooked stalked him on occassion hoping that in the 10 years that it has been since I have seen him he would have aged horribly. He is a lot bigger now, but my stomach still flipped when I looked at his pictures. I wish for the day when I run into him, although I don't know that I would have the strength to walk away. As horrbile as it is, I catch myself fantasizing about it though and sometimes it is what gets me through. I know I am a horrible person. I am in counseling for this and try to make myself not think of him but he always creeps back into my mind. I feel like I lost the one true love I will ever know. I know that deep down I hope that someday we will find our way back to each other. I feel like he was my soulmate and that a part of me is missing. What else can I possibly do to get over this man? Should Icontact him to see him again (and take the risk of losing my self control and sleeping with him) in the hopes that seeing him and really being able to talk to him gives me closure? Obviously avoiding him for 10 years has not worked real well and my feelings for him are not fair to my husband or our marriage. Please help!
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affair, engaged, facebook, flirt, lost my virginity, money, move on, my teacher, sex life, soulmate, stalking, violent, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, KJ99 +, writes (31 December 2009):
KJ99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. I agree with all that was said and it is what I tell myself on a daily basis. I know it in my head, I just wish I could get my heart to feel the same way. I guess I was hoping that if I met up with him being 10 years older and wiser I would finally see him for what he is (and get my heart to understand). I know it sounds stupid, it is stupid. Thanks for pointing it out. When you are in deep it makes common sense seem to disapear :)
I do want to save my marriage, like I said I am in counseling, but my husband refuses to go with me. In fact he thinks it is a waste of time and money and makes fun of me for going. For those of you who suggested that I tell him, how do I do that without crushing him? And is it really fair to him to tell him? It is not like I have acted on my feelings and I am working on trying to get them to go away. I just don't want to cause him any unnecessary pain because of my foolishness.
A
female
reader, lookingatyou  +, writes (31 December 2009):
hey, theres just too much to say here, esp for me! I've pretty much been in the same boat with a teacher. he is married now, and lied to me about it. What you feel is normal. I don't have time to reply but i know where you are coming from and i know how hard it is to find somebody who knows what youre going through. it doesnt hurt like it used to, but i do totally get the "since i was 15" thing. i was 16. Teachers aren't like normal guys and i'm not surprised youre in counselling. You can contact me to talk if you need. :)
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (31 December 2009):
 This is your knowing, is in your own words; 'I know he is a cheater, a coward, and a jerk, but I loved him since I was 15." Why? because you think it was good chemistry. Here reasoning is extremely poor. You do not seems to think about him in terms of some sound personality, which is almost a stable character of an Individual. Advisable to love. { But, you know very well that he has no personality, or if, then you have described it correctly. }
Think about his choice of his life partner, and that is in your own words...here are they,'And she has a history of violence. I was afraid that she would hurt me if she ever found out." ...see it is his choice!!! And, think about your own choice and try to feel for few second....
You cannot imagine about his idea of life and action, because you do not know how to think? You simply know about your feeling. What is feeling? It is an automatic response towards an Object, an event, or about some particular action... is feeling. You simply react towards 'chemistry'
You can make your life better if you really understand this terms 'chemistry, even with your present husband. It is easy, even though it could be revolutionary.
I request and advice you to learn something about 'Alchemy' if you cannot find proper text on the subject, then please write to me, I will say in just half page, but first you try to learn....And, forget your age old teacher, for God's sake, if not for your sake, then at least for God.
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A
female
reader, twinkle1million +, writes (31 December 2009):
I think th man u love at 15 didn't really loved u and was and still is now a pedophile he took advantage of u just to have sex with u mabey he dousent talk to u anymore cus he is trying to sleep with another young girl even though he's married most pedophiles r u need to be more carefull and avoid him as much as possible
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (31 December 2009):
Oh dear. Do not contact him, because whatever happens you're going to be in a mess. He will either nor be interested, or worse he will be and it will ruin your marriage. Speaking of which, ask yourself if you want to be married. Doesn't sound like you truly love your husband, and it would be kinder to let him go and find someone who does unless you're willing not to contact DB and work at the marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2009): 1. Never talk to DB again.
2. Tell DB's wife everything; you owe it to her.
3. Tell your husband everything; you owe it to him.
4. Sit down and quietly assemble all things you need, and now that you are married, all the things you are willing to compromise, then promise yourself you decide to be happy no matter what, as you work to fulfill the list you just made.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, pril +, writes (31 December 2009):
Hi. I kinda no how u feel. I was married to a great guy. I cheated on him. I don't no y I did it. It broke up our marriage. He was my soulmate and I miss him almost every day. I'm married again now and I love my husband but I can't get my first husband out of my mind. Its been almost ten year for me. But I have noticed it is getting alittle easyer every day. So give it time u my start forgetting about him. Don't look him up anymore. When u notice u r thinking about him make yourself think about something else. I hope this helped
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