A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What can I do because I feel like I'm in a no-win situation. I am madly in love with my girlfriend, who often seems to take me for granted. But at the same time, while I feel I deserve better treatment, I'm afraid to "stand up for myself" because I do love her and feel being confrontational might drive her away. Any advice? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): I just googled "why don't I stick up for myself" because I do the same thing on occasion in my own relationship. Things are great most of the time but from time to time I do feel taken for granted or feel a lack of respect. I love her so much and feel that we are generally happy. We talk about the future (marriage, kids) and she just closed on a place a few days ago. I've been supportive throughout the entire process of house hunting and will be doing a lot of work soon on a fixer-upper that we will both be moving into soon. There are some things right now that are less than ideal such as my being without a license and feeling a little bit uncertain in my current job. I recently began working from home (a blessing) but there is still some uncertainty and associated stress. There is too much there to get into it. She works and I know that there is stress there too. Sometimes I think my feeling unsure in certain areas may cross over into others. Today she made a passing comment and I jokingly responded while looking out the window of the car and noticed her rolling her eyes. Immediately that makes me feel dismissed, disrespected, unfunny, not enjoyable, and generally upset for a while. Then later things are ok. I just don't know if I should just mention it right then and say "don't roll your eyes at me" or "why are you rolling your eyes?" and head it off right there so that I don't have to carry those feelings and let it be known when she crosses a line like that. I've done it before and sometimes it is just best to let things slide bc you know it's just something stupid but I think you need to occasionally assert yourself in those situations. I know for me if I never assert myself when I feel that way it can lead to passive aggression which is no good at all.
A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (14 September 2010):
 You are in a no-win situation, but only because you are compromising your values.
You refuse to stand up for yourself, so that makes you unhappy.
However, you feel you should be treated better, so that too makes you unhappy.
Now, lets say you take charge of the thing you control (as you really have no control over how she treats you)
You stand up for yourself:
Result A: She looks at it from your point of view, and sees that your boundaries are reasonable. You are doubly happy because now you get what you want, and you get the girl.
Result B: She looks at it from your point of view, but refuses to compromise. She leaves, so you are unhappy for a while. But eventually, no matter how madly in love you were with her, you will find someone who will respect you for your values. You now fall madly in love with someone who will respect you as much as you love her. Again, doubly happy.
Stand up for yourself! Give her an inch and she takes a mile. that single mile gives her 63360 inches to work with.
Nick.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Try to not be confrontational about it. What is she doing that makes you feel taken for granted? Why are you so scared that talking to her about how you're feeling will drive her off?
If I had to guess (which I have to because we don't have the whole story here), I'd say she's likely a very controlling person who puts you down for things you do that she doesn't deem right or what she wants. This kind of behavior perpetuates itself and is a form of abuse. But I'm not going to go into that because I have no evidence to this other than a gut feeling.
If you choose to answer my questions, I'll be glad to offer further advice.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (14 September 2010):
Don't be a push over. No matter how much you like her, if she's taking you for granted and won't listen without dumping you, she's not worth your time. You need to talk to her. She might welcome you being a little tougher, or she might be a bitch and dump you. But it's better than being a push over. Gently speak to her and say that you feel the relationship is in trouble because she seems to take you for granted. See what happens.
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