A
female
age
41-50,
*luksblue
writes:Hey everyone,A couple of weeks ago now, a guy with whom I have a lot of mutual friends, whom I'd never met in the flesh but had heard great things about, and I, went on a date. After a couple of flirty Facebook posts, he'd asked me out a month previously, and after pussyfooting around we finally sorted a date and met up. The messages we'd exchanged before meeting weren't particularly chatty or flirty, just friendly and fairly spaced out, certainly not the constant chatter I'd been used to from other guys I'd dated in the last year.The date went well, we chatted for hours like old friends, he came back to my place in a way that seemed very natural and we slept together. I'm a 31 year old woman and have no shame in that, it was a mutual decision and felt very natural at the time.The next day he stayed until late and was incredibly affectionate and complimentary, of my looks and personality, was very cuddly, and interested in me as a person. He texted afterwards saying I was a joy to be with and that he'd like to take me for dinner the following week before he left for work for a month and a half.His texts were then very sporadic, again which I'm not used to. Often waiting over a day to respond and ending the conversation a lot. We struggled to plan a date so we had one evening together where he came to mine and we shared drinks and talked about life until the small hours. He explained to me he wasn't a big texter, and preferred to show a girl he likes her in the flesh than share stupid banter on text messages.Again the next day he stayed until 7pm, we talked about intimate things, he was incredibly affectionate, and said he'd see me when he got back from his work trip. He text me on his way home, again saying what a wonderful time he'd had and that he'd see me soon.He's now gone away for 6 weeks, it's been a week and there has been zero contact. Not on social media, or via text. I appreciate if he's busy working it won't be on his mind but I just cannot get comfortable with it. Perhaps due to past experiences with men cheating or disappearing after a first date, I certainly have trust issues.So am I being crazy? He's proven to be good to his word so far, has given me no reason not to trust he'll want to see me when he returns, and did say he doesn't like to text. But the silence drives me insane. 6 weeks of nothing can't be a good sign, surely? And all Internet conjecture tells me not to text him, to leave him be, but not being chatty and wanting to communicate with him goes against every ounce of my being! Is it true that no contact just plaon and simple means they're not feeling you?Please advise, anyone, I feel like I'm going mad! X
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2014): I personally would not be happy with no communications initiated by him for 6 weeks, for me that would show a definite lack of interest. If someone is into you they contact you one way or another and they either pursue you or pursue you back. Saying he isn't a texter sounds like an excuse to me. You can call him or email and see how he responds and feel this whole thing out. I agree with Janniepeg to think about how frequently he will travel. If this is the way he is and you two do end up in a relationship, he may always feel it is ok not to communicate while he is away and you will probably not be ok with it. At this point you have just met but you have slept together so I think that is the cause of your anxiety over no communication. You have to set the stage for what you want and need in the beginning.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 August 2014):
 I would find out how often he goes on work trips and see if I can handle the frequency. There is nothing wrong with having sex before there is commitment. It's just that you will have a peace of mind when both of you are on the same page about what you want. All the guys I've been with will tell me what they are looking for, whether it is a relationship or just something casual. If your guy just said he's going to see you again, just assume that he is doing casual, or just casual for now and see what happens, which basically means the same thing because a guy who wants something serious makes sure you know. It's not just your heart he has to protect.
Okay he is not a big texter. Silence means that he's not a caller or emailer either. When he comes back you can tell if he's not a communicator or he just doesn't feel the need to keep in touch with you. I think if you have trust issues it's best to avoid men who have to go on trips few times a year.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): I agree with WiseOwl, why not call him? Its not against the rules to call a guy.
Do what will please you. Don't think about what he will think of you and soon. If you want to call him, call him. And may be he will be pleasantly surprised.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): Go ahead and send him a short text. What's wrong with that? He only said HE isn't a big text-messenger. That didn't mean while he was away he didn't want you to contact him. How about a phone call instead? Sometimes it's your move!
No one touched on this, so I will.
Treat each and every guy you date differently. They are individuals, and are not to be lumped together and treated all the same. It is a myth that all guys are the same. It was a myth created by sexist-females with bad-taste in men, whom don't know how to make good choices, and have nothing on the ball to begin with. They need a scapegoat and excuse for it. We're not all losers and jerks. They're just easier to find then us nice-guys, or more sexy.
You've had a chance to talk to him, so you know something about his ways and his character. So you know he isn't just a clone of the last loser who didn't treat you well.
Approach every new date like you're starting from scratch!
Start from a clean slate.
Not as if you are picking up with where you left off with the last guy! He deserves better than that.
By the way, you deserve a chance to try something new. Assume the position as the "pursuer." Nothing wrong with that. It's not too forward. It's a fair trade-off. If he rejects you, then you'll know; he is just a clone of all the other losers. You only in you're 30's. Take your time, and you'll win a prize. You're an articulate and smart woman. Don't let a few jerks break your spirit, or make you jaded toward all men.
You've been intimate, so you're no prissy little prude. You're assertive; but you have to learn more about adapting to change, and things you're not used to. It's the 21st century, and women can pursue a man if you want to! Just don't chase him down like prey. Use your feminine charm and
your wits. Woman are very powerful creatures. Use it!
And another thing...Hello!!!! Men DO NOT always have to cater to what YOU want, and what YOU'RE used to!
Everyone has their own style, and do things their own way. If you have "trust-issues;" you shouldn't be dating until you've dealt with them. Chill-out! The guy likes you.
If he never returns, you'll find someone else. You can't flip-out over a guy who isn't committed to you. Sex is not a commitment. It was mutually consensual to have sex; but don't take that to mean he has to check-in to give you a sense of security. You should have that already, if you want a viable commitment to develop. It's not always what men owe women, we should get something in return. It goes both ways. You didn't just give him sex. He gave you sex too!
You may have been alone for sometime before you met this guy. Try to discipline yourself to slow down to a leisurely pace. Don't fall too easily, or too quickly.
Least of all, avoid the little voice in your head screaming "don't let him getaway!!!" That is the voice of desperation.
You have to first be sure of what you're feeling and why.
How many times have your read from other OP's on DC, how it started out good; then it lost that spark? That's because they went at it too hard and too fast. Am I making sense at all?
You also have to give him time to be sure of his feelings about you. Men are slower than women in this area.
Now a word to the wise. People who get too anxious after meeting someone romantically; often kill the connection in its infancy with insecurities. Their baggage leftover from past failed-relationships,or just plain neediness.
You may have a good thing in the works; so settle-down and get used to something different. Maybe your "trust-issues" ruined prior relationships, and now you're going down the same path. You are sabotaging all the possibilities by
getting too worked-up that he might be "getting-away."
That will make you clingy, whiny, and irritating. You'll get on your own nerves!
Call him! You gave that guy your body, and the least he can do is be decent enough call to say "hello, how are you?"
Anyway, he said he wasn't into texting. A phone call from you may be refreshing and a welcome surprise. Come on, don't sit around going nuts. Give him a call! If he gets mad or rejects you; let me know, and I will eat my words and give you a big fat apology! I promise.
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A
female
reader, SeaGreen +, writes (8 August 2014):
 In this case I don't think his lack of contact means lack of interest.
When you say there has been no contact does that mean you have not sent him a text or message? If you haven't already I would send a quick text or e-mail wishing him the best on his trip and that you look forward to seeing him again.
Relax, once you figure out if you actually want to be in a relationship with him then you can tell him that you prefer more contact. However this is the way he is and if you prefer someone who contacts you more then I would move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): I'm a person who was never a 'texter'. I used to arrange a date and then that was it. I never texted inbetween. It sounds like he liked you. If I didn't like someone I don't think I'd hang around all next day being affectionate. I think you should contact him and propose anothet date. If he doesn't say yes, or says 'maybe' or 'sojeday' forget him and move on. Otherwise, if he has agreed dates with you, chill a bit.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 August 2014):
 You may already know this but some people(guys especially) are t communication skills. It sounds in additiono being the typical poor communicator(a natural trait for us guys by the way) he may be very shy, hence the "pussyfooting around" you refer to. Just be patient if there is a real connection there. he will'come around' and the communication will evolve. The trick is to be slow to demand or pressure him for anything. In other words, don't let him feel threatened lest he clam up altogether, We males are terribly threatened by the female gender for whatever reason(genetic?) Don't ask why we just are. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, PM +, writes (8 August 2014):
 I think that if you want to contact him, that you should do so As you say, not contacting him is going against something that's a core part of who you are and, if you think that this relationship has the potential to be a long-term one, showing parts of the true you is important to building that long-term relationship.
Communication and expression, in general, are important parts of a relationship and it sounds as though you have something to express. I personally think that it's better to get a gauge now on how he reacts to what you have to say and what you're feeling than to find out later that you have difficulties communicating with one another but are in too committed a situation to separate without undue messiness. Simply put, I think it's important to communicate your needs and if he doesn't respond to them in a way that you're comfortable with, then he might not be the guy for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2014): You focus a lot on how it's in his nature not to contact by tkyext and share sweet nothings. Yet you down play how it's in your nature to text and keep in touch. You are trying to be OK with him the way he is but your expectations conflict.
My advice is to do what comes naturally to you and be vocal about it. Listen to him as well. Hopefully you'll come to a happy medium. But you both have to try to adjust.
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