A
female
age
41-50,
*ayajohn
writes:I am having an affair with a married man whom i met 16 years ago and then he suddenly appeared again in my life at my grandma funeral. He is married and they have 3 kids. They are not getting along very well and been not sharing the same room for 2 years(don't tell me maybe he is lying cos we all relatives knew about that...well...not all but those who are close). So everything just started very nice and sweet. i was too stupid to think that maybe he was just looking for an old friend because we lost contact for many years and he seems very interested in me. he started to ask for my contact and call and and care about me so much. He drive here and spent his birthday with me. I dont want to go into too much details but waht i wanted to say is he treats me very nice and care and it's like the feeling of someone who can completes you in your life. I spent my nights crying and guilty for his wife. he told me they can't be together and the only thing is the kids. he sure love them. the wife also is not a bad wife. it's just that she is not what he wants but she is the mother of the kids for sure and nothing can change that. I was in so much pain and did a lot of thinking. sometimes i need wine to help me sleep. I know that i have developed a feeling...the love for him. and i think i am in love yes. but the thing is i am tired.I dont want to talk about the sweet things we had done together and how nice and amazing its for us to care about each other and we are brave together.so 2 weeks ago i told him what i felt(it has been 6 mths we r together). i even scolded him and say its too late, you have ur own family and now u think i am the one but i am getting ready to settle down but u have a family and u want me to be with u and of cos getting divorce is another thing.So i spent a few days abroad trying to do my own things(work). I started to think he is avoiding me. i was very upset at 1st cos i called him but he didnt call back. it was like the 6th of feb our last conversation. i texted him and told him im going away for a few days asked if he wanted to join( but i am sure he cant cos of work). i was just being polite and asked. so then start from that day he didnt call me. i ddint hope for more then on valentines day he sent me a card and whathe wrote was also in my mind as what i thought about us. i am so confuse yes even today, why u stilll want to send me a card saying sweet and nice things but never reply to my sms or calls? I am now feeling lost. He is not even what i want. But something do really happened between us. I am not sure what happened to him. i called him the other day, i asked him is there anything wrong between us? if yes just said so dont have to be like that to avoid me. he then said no, he is busy at work now and then he said sth about his health or sth like he is doing sth. i dont know how to tell you but i think i trust him. the thing is, i dont like the feeling of being avoid from the love i love. i have someone here who love me so much. so when i was taking the trip i always think about how nicehe is to me and never did that to me. I am such a loser now. and i think i am so stupid. it's not hard to choose, 1. who love u for many yrs and still single and be with u when u cry and support u alll the way. 2. someone u thinku have feeling and he is noce to u too but he s married and now suddenly he dont call you.so yeah seriously its not hard to choose right?I am so tired. what is love? i really hate the feeling of being avoid cos i never do that to the one i loved. never ever....
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affair, at work, divorce, married man, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mayajohn +, writes (5 March 2009):
mayajohn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all the replies. I think what u all said are right. I am getting and feeling better now. IT was hard at first but after some time i am better. i still miss him though but i will have to learn how to let go. it's good for his family and of cos myself. This is what i did for the past 10 or 15 days. I couldn't work at all so since i work for myself and so i might just as well put the job aside and spent my days thinking and reading books. I turn off my cellphone and i didn't even cook(I love to cook), couldn't eat much and only spent my days dreaming and thinking and sometimes crying. Then just now i suddenly feel that why am i so cheap to let myself get involve in this kind of affair? i started to think about bad karma that will happen to me one day if i get married. i then keep thinking what if i was the wife? what if my husband tell other woman that ' oh it was such a mistake between my wife and me'. IT's not right. he can't come to me when he is still have a family unless they divorce but i highly doubt if thats what i want. too late means too late. maybe he himself know the answer too. it's time to let go and i am sure i will do better. it's the matter of time. at least i don't wake up in the middle of the night and at least i am cry now. i even got myself a new car.thank you so much for all the replies.
A
female
reader, mayajohn +, writes (5 March 2009):
mayajohn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all the replies. I think what u all said are right. I am getting and feeling better now. IT was hard at first but after some time i am better. i still miss him though but i will have to learn how to let go. it's good for his family and of cos myself. This is what i did for the past 10 or 15 days. I couldn't work at all so since i work for myself and so i might just as well put the job aside and spent my days thinking and reading books. I turn off my cellphone and i didn't even cook(I love to cook), couldn't eat much and only spent my days dreaming and thinking and sometimes crying. Then just now i suddenly feel that why am i so cheap to let myself get involve in this kind of affair? i started to think about bad karma that will happen to me one day if i get married. i then keep thinking what if i was the wife? what if my husband tell other woman that ' oh it was such a mistake between my wife and me'. IT's not right. he can't come to me when he is still have a family unless they divorce but i highly doubt if thats what i want. too late means too late. maybe he himself know the answer too. it's time to let go and i am sure i will do better. it's the matter of time. at least i don't wake up in the middle of the night and at least i am cry now. i even got myself a new car.thank you so much for all the replies.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): You took fantasy into reality, things get confussed when that happens, someone always gets hurt or used, not getting out what the other did and the pain goes on and on.Don't allow yourself to be degraded into becoming the bit on the side. He will be nice to you because he knows you have feelings for him, he will abuse that and will never leave his wife, he will contact you when it suits him and his lust,you also talk about how bad you feel but imagine what this would do to his wife and family and the far reaching implications, affairs are never worth the pain and mess they cause so forget this user, get your pride and self-asteem back and who knows maybe you will enjoy life again without hanging on the threads of such a mess and life shattering relationship one that is not really true and truthful.
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A
female
reader, lena1  +, writes (22 February 2009):
 i am gonna say only one thing to you.who cheat with you,cheat on you.so you better not waste your time with this man.
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A
female
reader, ButterflyKisses +, writes (22 February 2009):
If, at the end of the day, you want NOTHING out of life, than continue on living in this delusional world that you've created for yourself. I hope you enjoy being second-rate, at best. Shoot for the stars, baby.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): i'm going to try to be as straightforward as possible. YOU ARE JUST A SIDE THING.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2009): I'm not going to answer those question directly, but I'll say this instead: The lover on the side gives you emotional and possibly physical satisfaction that your husband cannot give you. Your husband gives you stability, a place to go home to, a life with less worries.
If you look at many of the married relationships of this world, the monogamist relationships, a lot of these people are in incompatible scenarios. The lovers on the side make up the 'star cross lovers' idea, made to fame from the Shakespeare play "Romeo & Juliet".
As you know, being married, you have many obligations towards your family. It is no surprised that your lover does not continuously contact you for his own reasons of family obligations.
Ultimately, you already have an idea what you want to choose. I don't think it is particularly 'healthy' for you to make a decision based on the influence of strangers. I think only you know what is the best choice for you at the moment. If you regret it in the future, then that is a consequence of this 'mistake' you made those many years ago.
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A
female
reader, lilly123  +, writes (21 February 2009):
 BECAUSE YOU ARE HIS BIT ON THE SIDE! he wont leave his family and he will put them first. What youre doing is wrong so many people are going to end up hurt if this comes out think about how you feel and then think about how his wife and kids will feel.if things were so bad between them he would not be there for the sake of the kids having to see their parents fighting all the time maybe they are working their problems out.you need to do the decent thing here tell him its over between you unless he leaves his wife and then you will find out how he really feels about you.
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