A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I write this seeking confirmation that what I am doing is right more than anything, but also to gauge opinion and see what other people think as well. Sometimes when you’re in the middle of something it’s easy to lose a sense of reality! I apologise if it all sounds a bit mundane, but hope someone can offer some wise words.I’m a happily single bloke with a great job and don’t have too many worries in life. I split with my ex-girlfriend around a year ago and although it hurt at the time, I was over it relatively quickly and always tend to look forward rather than back in life.Around 5 months ago I met someone. Within seconds we hit it off and it was apparent we were pretty mad on each other. On asking her for her number, she said she had a boyfriend. I was disappointed but not surprised, and for the following few weeks I thought about her a lot but understood the circumstances. I met her again randomly about a month later, and again we hit it off. I asked if we could just be friends, and she said she didn’t think it was wise given how well we got on and how something may happen between us on the back of it. Again, I was disappointed but I appreciated her standpoint and thought that was that – again, I tend to look forward rather than back in life.Around a month after that I met her out again. We got on great and this time she seemed a lot more forward. Although she still had a boyfriend, I gave her a lift home and we shared a few hours at her place. We kissed, and it meant a lot to both of us. I could tell she was slightly starved of attention from her current boyfriend and that things seemingly weren’t going well. Again, it isn’t something I like doing, as I certainly wouldn’t like it being done to me, but the feelings seemed too strong for both of us to resist. She gave me her number and we kept in touch over the next few weeks, until her feelings of guilt got too strong for her to continue. She said that she didn’t feel it was fair on him and that she felt guilty for what she had done, which I understood, and that even though things weren’t great between them, she still wanted to give it a go – they had previously split up for a period of time, and had been back together for a year or so.I was disappointed but not surprised. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted her to have left him for me – more so, for her to end her relationship with him if she wasn’t happy and it wasn’t working. Since then, we have still been in touch via email, and although her messages are pretty generic it still seems apparent that she feels something and has feelings for me.Although time has passed – it is over 2 months since we kissed – I still think about her a lot and would like something to happen in the future. Although I don’t necessarily struggle to meet women, I do struggle to meet people who I have a genuine connection to, and this connection with her was stronger than anything I’ve experienced before with anyone, even longer-term partners. So, I currently have slight contact with her, hardly see her when socialising, and am unaware of her status or how her relationship is panning out. I see her friends occasionally, who feel the pair of us make an amazing couple, and who also comment that although her boyfriend is a great bloke, it isn’t necessarily working between them – however, I feel it isn’t really my place to pry into why it is or isn’t working, as I’m happy not to become a voyeur over the matter.I just wonder what readers consider of my approach – is it too laid-back, should I be more forward and offer her an ultimatum, or am I playing it the right way? As I see it, I wouldn’t put my life on hold for her, and if I met someone tomorrow I certainly wouldn’t negate it for the possibility that something could happen with her, but she does always occupy a place in the back of my mind, and maybe the evidence or simply blind faith telling me that sometime in the future things will work between us. It is hard to not let her occupy my mind at certain times, but I am good at doing it and I feel that she feels the same way too, even though, admittedly, my contact with her is minimal and I thoroughly understand her trying to make things work with her boyfriend, especially as they had split previously and, you would think, desperate to make things work again. There is also a tiny bit of me that feels a bit cheated by the whole thing – that she, in a way, used me when she needed attention to boost her ego and give her some temporary attention that she may not be getting from elsewhere – but I think she deserves a bit more credit than that, and that she genuinely likes me and felt as strongly about me as I felt about her, despite the obvious issue of her boyfriend. Any opinions are greatly received!
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female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (3 August 2009):
 Hi there,
I'm a great believer that 'spoken-for' people don't even bother getting too chummy with other potential partners unless there's something fundamentally wrong in their current relationship. I think you're taking the right attitude by letting her find her own way through her situation, and if you're meant to be together it will happen eventually. You sound like a nice guy, I hope she wakes up and realises. Best of luck. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2009): Hi there. I am in a similar situation to you. I have known a guy for many years, and we have always had a connection that I cannot explain and that I have never felt with any other man. We have almost got together many times, but things have always been against us, be it university, or not being single at the same time.
about 6 months ago we got back in touch after a long time without seeing each other, and all the old feelings are still there. They cannot be hidden. Unfortunately for me, he has a girlfriend. Things are not good, but they are still together. We are always in contact, he texts me every day, we email, we call - we just never go out together. I have so many feelings for this guy, but I do not want to push the situation.
I really feel for you, but I do not know how you should handle this - I think you have to go with your gut instinct.
Good luck x
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