A
male
age
30-35,
*nickx
writes:How can i get my ex off my back without hurting her too badly?We were together 7 months and i broke it off about a week and a half ago.Mostly she was becoming way too obsessive (one of the last emotional texts she sent me before we broke up was if i really want to break up with her she'll want to end herself. later in the text she told me she wanted to go to sleep and never wake up) and that text was really what ended it for me, i didnt want her to get anymore attached to me.Now she has had an extremely traumatic past (getting molested by a family friend, her dad hitting her, the possibility of having cancer, getting held at gun point... the list goes on and on.), which is what attracted me in the first place. I love helping people. I thought i could help her, and i did my best for seven months, but now i feel i cant do anything else for her.I dont want to hurt her in anyway. I honestly love her, but im 17, and it was honestly just taking too much out of me.Not only that but my dad wants me to get back with her. The only thing i ever told him was about her dad. I promised her i would never tell anyone about any of it.BTW in order to break up with her i told her we should just take a break, but i have no intentions of getting back together with her, atleast not now. I didnt know how else to do it without it being added to the lists of other traumatic events. I was her first boyfriend, only second kiss and a bunch of firsts for everything else.Please help :(xnickx
View related questions:
a break, broke up, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (6 June 2010):
xnickx is verified as being by the original poster of the question I think going into whether or not she's lying is getting way off topic.
For the record, im not stupid but i believe her. I've stated that multiple times. but if shes lying or not is not the issue.
Moo's Mum:
Alright thank you. I'll definately do that.
Thanks again for taking the time to respond :)
Zayla:
Im not friends with the ex, in fact i havent spoken to her since we broke up against my dads wishes, as i knew that i would just be the "revolving door". And idk yes. thats the kind of guy he is, he's nice to everyone no matter what, no matter what the emotional cost to him..
So yeah. thats where i get it from i guess.
But thanks, I think im going to cut ties soon anyways... its getting to hard. I have noticed this tendancy of her that anytime something even slightly goes wrong, the blame gets placed on me. Ex., today she texted me, and it ended up her telling me how worthless and alone im making her feel, the other day she asked me if its my goal to make her feel like crap. Which bothers me cuz i do everything i can to not hurt her, and when we were dating i treated her like she was the only thing in the world.
Oh well. thanks. i really appreciate you taking the time to respond as much as you did :)
xnickx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): I know you don't want to admit it, but I agree with quiet-echo. I have known multiple people JUST like how you explained, but everything is a lie.. And the stuff that isn't is warped so that it sounds worse than it is.
She lives for drama. You just don't want to think it's a lie. I've been molested, abused, almost had cancer, diagnosed with SEVERE fibromyalgia, etc etc, and I will only admit it to online internet people anonymously. I have never told ANYONE that stuff.. And I am NOTHING like her. Anyone I know who's been through REAL trauma is NOTHING like her.
And all of the people I know who lied like she is-- all of their boyfriends and girlfriends swore up and down that they would never lie ever and only told the truth. That's because for one you WANT to believe the person you're with is honest, and secondly because it is incredibly hard to look into stuff most of the time and most people just take them for their word. However if you look into it, it's all BS. All those people have later admitted to lying, except for one girl who became a pathological liar. And yes, everyone knew for a FACT everything she was saying was lies. Her life story changed constantly, she claimed she was raped, beaten, cheated on, treated like shit, etc... I knew ALL of her boyfriends and she broke up with ALL of them for "being too nice" or "needing her too much." They treated her like a precious gem. One even bought her flower every week and wrote her poetry and was the sweetest dude ever, and my best friend. She later said he (during conversations I witnessed, so I KNOW this didn't happen) abused her, screamed at her, cheated on her, called her names, etc. WTF? She claimed her boyfriend who had experimented with drugs was an addict and treated her like shit and abused her and thats why she broke up with him. He was clean the entire time he was with her. I am also friends with him, and he treated her like a princess.
However, if your girlfriend said all this about her ex's, would you look into it? I doubt it. You'd just believe it.
She claimed she was raped by a guy I know for a fact doesnt exist at a "party" that she never went to because at that time she was soo antisocial she wouldn't even go out with her best friends to the movies. She just wanted to be on the comp all day.
Now she believes all of this is true, even with facts that it isn't. Every single one of her ex's believed it was all truth and honesty until someone who knew her from when she was younger informed them otherwise and gave them the facts.
I mean, seriously.
It's best to get away from girls like this...
...............................
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (5 June 2010):
 I would also tell her that you are struggling and need a break from her just before you get grounded and then she wont expect to get back with you when the grounding is over.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): I don't think your father should expect you to stay friends with an ex that cheated on you? For what reason? And how is that "rearing" you to be "nice" to women? If anything, the cheating ex would look at that as a sign of weakness and exploit the situation...in other words, she will use your life as a revolving to door to come and go as she pleases when no other guy is around to keep her company.
Now as far as your current ex is concerned....staying with her because, she is "great" although you may not have deep feelings for her may not be a wise choice in the long run. If you really love her and want to be with her, then stay, but if not, then I think you know what to do.
...............................
A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (5 June 2010):
xnickx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionZayla:My dad gave me that advice because she honestly has been the most amazing girlfriend i could ask for, aside from the emotional side. She does do a lot, is very sweet and caring and supportive, more so than other girls i know.I guess the thing i've been struggling most with is the fact that inspite of the emotional side she has been so great i feel bad, i feel maybe im not doing the right thing.And at this point i think completely avoiding contact with her is not a possibility. My dad gave me heck over not staying friends with my first girlfriend who cheated on me. My dad is just trying to raise me to be kind to girls i guess..But like you said... im 17, i just want to move on at this point.Thanks.Moo's Mum:I know her threatening herself is selfish, but again i feel partially responsible for that because don't all couples in high school once they hit a certain point promise they'll be togehter forever, even if they don't mean it? I really didnt realize it would cause me this much trouble...Thanks. Your advice particularly helped, just because you hit a few key things that ive been talking myself out of lately, like how tied down i feel. And i knew it wasnt going to last forever. But still, idk. Im just one of those people that guilt easily.Thanks again.quiet echoAs farfectched as it sounds, i really have no reason to not believe her. First of all, she's never lied. Ive never even caught her in the smallest lie. And i know for a fact tumors and her dad is true.I dont mind delaying the inevitable, because in my mind we've been broken up since the day she sent me that text and i slowly started preparing her for it since then. I just really dont want to hurt her.I think actually what bothers me most is that its not bothering me, after all shes done for me, that im breaking up with her. She cares tremendously, but for me its a relief.And i thought about telling my dad, but things are stopping me. When i told my dad about her dad, i nearly got yelled at by him for not doing anything about it. Honestly, what could i have done? turned her dad in when i dont have any physical proof? broken her family up? then what would that have left her with.Im sure ill get an earfull if i tell him about this too...Although i do like your last line, it made me smile =)Thank you.~~Okay so what i was thinking of doing. My grades are the worst theyve ever been (partially due to stressing about her), and she knows my dad is really strict is get "grounded" over the summer, and force her to not have contact for her. I figure by then, either she'll realize that she really doesnt need me, or at the very least give me a better reason to end it than "you're way too emotional and need to get some things straight in your head." What do you think?
...............................
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (5 June 2010):
Oh dear I really do feel for you this is a tricky one. Unfortunately for her she is going to have to stand on her own two feet and deal with this and trying to make you feel guilty by threatening to kill herself is so selfish. You can't let that mess with your head because this is YOUR life too and she can't expect you to make her happy she needs to do that for herself.
I truly think that with this girl there is going to be no gentle way to break up with her cause she is going to keep pulling that emotional crap on you. I think you have to make a clean, decisive break and then cut all forms of contact with her. I would just say to her "Look I'm not happy in this relationship any more and I want to end it." and leave it at that because with this girl I think too much talk will be disasterous.
Good luck I hope it goes ok and try not to feel too bad about all the stuff that's happened to her it's horrible and not fair but it also doesn't mean that you have to feel so bad about it you have to be tied to her for life.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): The last thing you want to do is lie to her...it's obvious that she has had people betray her in the past. TELL THE TRUTH EVEN IF IT HURTS HER. Besides, she is bound to be hurt anyways esp. if she thinks that she loves you. Yet and still, you have to set the record straight...you are so young...17 yrs old? Wow....I wouldn't put anymore time into this situation...get a trusted family memember to go with you to break the news to your ex, be honest, be respectful, don't make excuses, don't lie, don't give her false hope that there can be a future between the two of you in the future, don't ask her to be friends, don't check up on her, email her, text her, mail letters to her once you break it off with her and don't respond to anything she sends to you. MAKE IT CLEAR TO HER THAT IT IS INDEED OVER, but in a nice and appropriate way.
I don't understand why your Dad would make such a suggestion, but I think he is giving you the wrong advice....this young lady is NOT ready for a committed relationship even if she thinks she is...she has too many issues she needs to sort out first and foremost and it's not your responsibility to be her emotional blanket. If you don't break it off with her cut and dry, and you decide to go back with her, you will end up regretting in the long run. I don't think either of you should be in relationships because, you are too young. Focus on school, having fun, and building your future.
...............................
|
