A
male
age
41-50,
*onathan314
writes:I can't let go of her. For some reason, against all logic and against everything I've tried to do for myself, to get my life in order, I can't let go of her.We were together for eight and half years and in the course of 24 hours everything in my life was shattered. She disappeared, cheated on me, and moved out all within 24 hours. That was over a year ago now and I can't seem to let go. Everyone says that the best thing to do is to focus on yourself and make your life better and that "the best revenge is a good life", but the question I keep asking is what is the point of a good life if I'm not with her.I'm medicated for depression, I've had weekly therapist appointments, and I had and have started again a regular exercise regiment. So what do I do when all of those fail to work? When dating fails to work? When meeting and exceeding in my own personal accomplishments fail to work? Don't get me wrong, I experience moments of happiness and pride and self-worth, but frankly they are fleeting and at the end of the day I still go to bed alone and long to fall asleep to the sounds of her next to me.
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cheated on me, moved out, revenge Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): It will feel that way for a while, but the good thing is that you are at least allowing yourself to go through the process. Some people spend their whole lives pretending everything is fine without dealing with their issues. Recognize that you are angry or sad or whatever it is you are feeling and learn to move past it. In time, the pain you feel will go away and all that will be left is a tiny scar that will remind you of how strong you were during a difficult time in your life. Jonathan, you will be just fine, you are starting to heal already you just can't feel it yet.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): i am in the same boat as you... almost exactly... please someone answer this question with some good advice )':
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reader, jonathan314 +, writes (7 June 2010):
jonathan314 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I have started to remember the dark, not so pretty, edges of my old relationship when I start to miss her and want her. It unfortunately is making me quite angry most of the time now, even in my dreams. I woke up the other morning with all my muscles blown out, because I must have been flexing them all night in my sleep. It's just going to be a process I guess....this is the deepest I've ever been wounded before and it's like trying to pull out glass shrapnel, just when you though you got it all you find a new shard.
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reader, raiders +, writes (7 June 2010):
 I hope this technique works, because in reality she is not worth your pain, and If you think on how she is and has treated all you will be able to do is forget her and move on.
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reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (5 June 2010):
 Jonathan your answer to us all totally reassures me that you are gonna be ok. You are doing all the right things and to use a horrible cliche time heals all wounds.
Don't lose faith in love because I believe that our various relationships are tools to teach us what we like and need so we can find the perfect mate to be with for life. One day you will look back and realise what this girl's lesson was for you.
All the best on this journey you are taking the first and vital steps and you are doing it all perfectly!
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reader, jonathan314 +, writes (5 June 2010):
jonathan314 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI truly appreciate everyone who has replied. I have told myself similar things, but it helps to honestly hear other people, those that don't even know me, tell me it. Which is why I found this site I suppose =)
I should also state that she was my first true girlfriend and first lover. This experience has caused me to question the existence of love and it's validity. It's like finding out there isn't a Santa Claus and it's not magical and it's just a biochemical illusion to me now. It was the last thing in my life that I could attribute a supernatural purpose to, it was my last unexplainable and mysterious force in my life.
I am an atheist so I can't state that "this wasn't meant to be" and I have no solace that "things will be better". I know I have to make that happiness for myself, which is why I was desperately trying to find out how to move on.
@raiders - i've been actually using your idea of instantly remembering the bad when I start to look back fondly. i'll see if that is helpful though.
@holdingon05 - "Give yourself some credit. You are doing so well given that it has only been one year." It's funny you mentioned that, because that is one of the biggest issues I deal with in therapy now. I give myself no credit...ever. I am a horrible critic of myself which has helped me in school to do really well, but has also wrecked a toll in every other facet of my life. Thanks for reminding me that.
@DT46 - The biggest problem I have with dating is that I FEEL nothing. I feel nothing to such a degree that, embarrassingly enough, I even become "physically bored" having physical encounters with girls I'm dating, which obviously is poisoning my chances of finding someone new.
@Moo's Mom - It's not harsh at all, like I said it flies in the face of every fact I know. I KNOW for a fact that she would be destructive and horrible for me to get back together with her...I know that. It's like I'm longing for the life I wanted with her, not the life I had with her maybe?
@anonymous - agreed and I experience that neediness in dating with people, its a turn off. I'm not AT ALL attached to people I date now, I can't feel anything anymore with them. You are right though, there is statistically another girl out there that would want to be with me, who fits with me personally and intellectually, but I don't think I'll ever feel that feeling that "this person is special". If there are more fish in the sea so to speak, what makes anyone anything remarkable? Especially if there is just "someone else" out there?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): What's the point of a good life without her?
A good life with someone who won't leave you suddenly and cheat on you? Not to sound harsh, but duh. She treated you like shit, fucked you over, but you still are obsessed with her?
There's a gorgeous girl out there who would give everything to be with you and would never hurt you, yet you think you can't exist without this girl who didn't even give a damn?
You need to get your priorities checked. Because your life is better without her, and can be better with someone else. She isn't the only fish in the sea. She IS NOT the only person who will make you happy. Many people go through tons of significant others before they find true happiness. It's your turn, so start moving. Maybe the next one will be right, maybe not. But to be honest, it's going to be hard to get a girl if you get SOO attached to them. It scares people away.
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reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (5 June 2010):
I don't want to sound harsh here but why would you want someone back who cheated on you? You're well shot of her I think. In saying that though I understand where you are coming from, it's very hard work getting over a love especially when you didn't see the break coming. My advice is just to keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying hard to live the best life you can at the moment. You will continue to have bad days but soon you will start to notice that those bad ones are getting further and further apart. Allow yourself to feel bad about it but don't grieve for her cause she's not worth it, grieve for the lost opportunity. You will get there in the end and you will have learned something about yourself along the way. Good luck and chin up you will be OK!!!
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reader, DT46 +, writes (5 June 2010):
 Listen, I cried for years over men. Men who did not treat me well. Therapy the whole thing like you. I date now and it is hard, trust me I know. I had to keep telling myself the same things over and over to myself to help me move on you have to tell yourself you are ready to let go. You have to remind yourself the ugly truth about her. Focus on the negative not all the silly love stuff. And ask yourself this question do you want to feel like this forever?
I think not so - change your thoughts and you will change your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): Im going through something similar. Granted he didn't cheat which makes it harder to find a reason to let go, but he just up and left one day without any reason. Its been about a year and a half and I still have moments where I just want to fall apart even after I found a great guy I've been with for about six months now. All I can tell you is what everyone else has told me, including my therapist that I saw after the break up, it will take time. I know its sounds cliche but honestly that's what it comes down to. Time. Little by little the pain will ease and you will start to forget her. You were together for 8 years. It has only been 1 year since the break up. Give yourself some credit. You are doing so well given that it has only been one year. A relationship that long takes a while to get over, don't rush yourself. Just try and take it one day at a time. And remember how badly she treated you when you feel like you miss her. You deserve someone better, someone who will deserve to be held in your arms all through the night. You will find that person when the time is right. I have faith in that. I have faith that good hearts don't go to waste. Good people always find their way eventually. You can do this. I may not know you, but Im going through the same thing, I have faith that we will both come out of this without being bitter. You will smile, you will move on, you will forget her and love someone better, just give it time and don't give up because a sweet guy like you deserves the world and so much more.
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reader, raiders +, writes (5 June 2010):
There is nothing you can do but cope with the idea that she is gone. She chose to leave you and she cheated on you, that should show you her true colors. Have pride in yourself and think on you. When you carry yourself highly and have a good attitude, good personality, and show to be a very confident person, you will send out this positive vibe. Having a good vibe will lead you to one day being able to share your bed with a person who will be deserving of your kisses, and hugs.
At times it is hard to let go, but every time you start to think on her and miss her, Let the thought of how she cheated and how she betrayed you run through your head, and you will soon realize that you are better off without her. I know it is easier said than done but guess what it has been done. Conquer your demons and do not allow your self to fall. Raise and love again.
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