A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I've been dating someone for a year now that i wanted to spend my life with. I wouldnt classify our relationship as perfect, but we loved each other intensely and we're really like best friends, doing almost everything together. There were certain issues in the relationship, sometimes i got possessive and sometimes a little suspicious, as she did lie to me about one or two things and though we had our fights about this sort of thing, we always managed to resolve things because we truly loved each other so much. I am quite successful and a partner in a company, and my philosophy in life has always been that if you are generous with your money you are generous with your heart. I gave everything i had for this girl. I took her on lavish holidays, bought her diamond rings and necklaces, bough her perfume and makeup from every business trip, bought her flowers and magazines (which she enjoyed), every week. And not just the material things, i was always there for. When she got sick i got her antibiotics through a friend of mine who is a doctor, i took off days to look after at home, when she had to work late in the evenings i would take dinner to her at the office. I literally gave my all for this girl, she was my life. She did have her faults. When she drank she used to get quite aggressive, cruel and occasionally said a number of things that really hurt, for which she was always sorry about the next day. She is also an incredibly hard person, able to switch emotions off in a heart beat and regardless if a fight was not my fault, i always apologised to her (purely because i just wanted things to be okay) and she would almost always torture me for a week or two by ignoring me or hurting me with comments, just to make me feel the brunt of it. I am quite sensitive soul so these things did get to me, however i was always prepared to look past it and resolve the issues. She did lie occasionally about her past or where she was (i.e. instead of her dissappearing to her family on the weekend, she went out drinking with her sister). Most likely it upset me so much as my father used to be alcoholic. However, despite these things did upset me, i did look past them as i loved her so intensely. I literally would do anything for her.We did get engaged for a short while however decided to break off the engagement after a fight she had where she got drunk again. We both went to see therapists and decided to take it slowly, as we both have our respective issues. Nevertheless the committment to each other was there.About 2 weeks ago we had an awful fight, where after a few drinks she told i was boring, i was as messed up as my alcoholic father and she wanted nothing more to do with me. I was incredibly hurt as that is possibly the worst thing you can say to someone. I said fine, what i'll do is move out, take my things and go, she said she wanted that. About 3 hours later she did apologise after she realised she was wrong, but i had already taken my things and left. Unfortunately she arrived back at her flat and saw this and then the aggression started her. Her first question was: why did you take my stuff and are you going to bring it back? Not can we fix things. I said i would bring everything back, because quite frankly i didnt want it and i do love her and i just wanted to fix things. It was a stupid fight and i just wanted to resolve things. Quite frankly we both did things wrong and all i wanted to do was resolve things.I did everything right, returned all the things which i had bought for us, as i felt it was right and i tried to make up with her. She ignored me. I went to her family's house the next day to try and work things out with her and her family, and basically what i received was verbal abuse from over the fence from her mom (she never bothered to come out). A day later she registered herself on a dating website and started going on dates, which absolutely destroyed me. Bearing in mind that two days prior to this she had confessed how wonderful i am, how much she wanted to spend her life with me, how much she appreciated me always being there for her and giving her everything. I just didnt understand it.For 2 weeks i have done everything to try get her back, tried to phone her, tried sending her flowers and gifts to apologise, writing letters. And all i received was a 'im done with this and i do not want to try at all'. I couldnt understand it. I eventually wrote her a letter and said i am happy to be friends, and that i am happy to move forward. It did change things somewhat as we started talking, however there was still a hardness there.Yesterday i received an sms from her asking where her expensive lingerie was. Obviously i wouldnt know and this hurt me immensely. Clearly the comment was intended as 'i've found someone else that im going to sleep with now' or 'im just going to hurt you'. I called her up and said i have no clue where it is, and i would certainly never do anything like that to jeopardise her happiness. I said to her that i am aware that she has most probably found someone else that she wants to use it for, and i accept that, but i just want her to know that i would never have taken something like that. She attacked me, and i could hear she was drunk. She said she would never stoop to a level of using the lingerie i bought her to impress someone else and how could i think of that, it was just another reason why i did not understand her supposedly. I have four university degree's and it did not take me long to sum up the situation. When i first met her we had drinks in the afternoon after which she invited me to her place and we were intimate on the first date - i fell for her totally. One year on, it seems like she had used the same tactic on someone else - had a few drinks and clearly 'wanted' to invite them around and flash off the lingerie i bought her. I am just totally and utterly hurt by all of this. I just want to know how to get over her and move on. It just hurts me so much that we were so much in love and this cruelty has been directed towards me for 3 weeks despite all my best intentions. In the last 3 weeks i have been totally ripped apart by her and her family for just trying to fix things and even been told that everything i gave her ever, which i gave out of love and expected nothing in return, came with a price tag. Incredibly hurtful things to say to someone you supposedly love so much.Why did she do this me? I would just love to know? And do you believe she will end up regretting hurting me so much? She is only 25, so still young, but i just wonder if people like this actually eventually regret what they do. Does life actually turn the tables on people like this? Honestly she has just moved on in a heartbeat and i am totally devasted, it's like i never mattered at all.
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alcoholic, best friend, drunk, engaged, flowers, her ex, her past, money, move on, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sick  +, writes (25 January 2010):
sometimes the best thing to do in situations like this is to stand still and let nature take it's course.
with the way she is going she is bound to get herself hurt. but again if you think about it, if you genuinely love this person, i guess it's at that time you would really want to be with her. it's at that time she will really need you to hold her hand. but for now, i think it's best to keep away and to look after yourself. this probably is the time you need to make yourself stronger. you will need all that strength later on. hanging out with her, talking with her now, will only pull you down.. before you know it you might just end up as broken as her. and what use are you when that happens?
everything happens for a reason. don't worry. that's the thing about love, it's always stronger than our will power... it survives all things. let your love guide you and you will never go astray.
remember there's a universe out there looking after us.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): Honey, I think you are coming across as much to heavy and desperate with this girl. You are sending her flowers, calling, texting, turning up at her parents house. It is all too much and almost on a par with stalking. Leave her alone for a while. It looks to me like you are stifling her. If you want her back you are going to have to cut contact completely and wait it out. Let her chase you and come to you which she will. She will get such a shock that you are not there grovelling, saying sorry and the like - (even when its not your fault) - that she will be back in touch within a week. Although I hate the word, space, space and time is the key here.
You say you have 4 university degrees and are a partner in a business well you are not using that intelligence in this situation. I know it is because you are emotional and intensely involved but you have to step back from this. The only way is to leave her totally alone and I mean totally alone until she contacts you. You are going to have to busy yourself in work, go on a business trip etc but keep busy and keep away from her. The lingerie thing was nothing for you to get jealous about or read anything into - she just wanted to find her expensive underwear as she likes it. It is nothing to do with her wanting it for another man. You are also sounding very jealous, insecure and possessive and these are not good traits in a relationship.
The emotions at the moment are intense and running high but really the best thing you can do is absolutely nothing. Have a cup of tea and just chill for a while, but keep your hands off the phone. This will calm down but like I said before let her chase and come to you.
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