A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Okay so for those of you who are going to say "get over it" or "the past is the past" please dont bother. For the rest of you here is the problem. I am a virgin, i have only ever kissed(by kissed i mean a peck that lasted 1 second) a girl before, ive never had a girlfriend either. Now i really do want to get into a relationship but everytime i start getting attracted to a girl i always find myself asking "what have you done in the past?" and its usually some sort of experience that bothers me because i don't want to picture her being with someone else. Now i know someone will say this is insecurities or jealousy or something but it's not because i do believe that was her decision to do those things, but i just can't bring myself to pursue them after finding out they've done things. I really want a girl that is equally experienced sexually as me and im worried as i get older i wont be able to find this because sex seems to mean nothing anymore. I was hoping someone would have some advice on how to get this to stop bothering me? I'm 16 and not religious for those of you who might ask, i simply believe in equality and sharing these experiences together, i just can't seem to find someone who hasn't done something that bothers me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2012): OP here,
I dont think i would want to talk about these feelings with a school counselor because they are probably not qualified to help with jealousy and inside turmoil. And i dont really want to ask my parents to go to therapy and have to explain the way i feel because i dont like talking to my parents about how i feel with girls.
I will definitely go when im out of highschool but as long as i stay single till next year none of this will really bother me.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 October 2012):
 There's no need to wait until after high school. You can search out therapists right now, no need to wait. You could for example ask your doctor, or if you have a school nurse/counsellor then talk to them about it. Waiting lists can be long, at least here in Norway you could end up having to wait for a year to get in therapy. So procrastination will probably result in you never doing it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): Oh I see what you mean about hurting someone because of their past, and i do not want that. I dont want to feel like this. I dont want to care about the past but youre right i should probably get professional help.I did feel this way because i did disapprove of those actions. I dont know why i feel this way but you are right what i felt was irrational but for some reason i cant get over it.I will seek professional help after high school and for now i will just stay away from relationships with people. Thank you all for your advise over the past week i do appreciate it.-OP
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 October 2012):
Oh, I didn't mean that you are making people feel bad now. But you would make a girlfriend feel bad about herself if you were in a relationship with her while at the same time rejecting her. It can't work. If you're in a relationship you need to accept them for who they are, otherwise you will just hurt them. That's what I meant.
"Maybe i do care to much, and maybe it shouldnt have bothered me so much, but it doesnt seem irrational to care about a guy touching a girl sexually,"
It is irrational because she wasn't your girlfriend, she didn't cheat on you, not were you in love with this girl and thus did not have a natural reason to feel betrayed. You feeling angry because of how she treats herself and HER body, is irrational. It is not your body. You do not have a right to dictate how she treats it. If she wanted to let this guy touch her, that was her decision. Why would you be mad because of it? Why would it be a problem for you? It wouldn't be a problem for you.. it didn't concern you. Hence, your reaction is irrational.
It's quite another to disapprove of such an action. To lose respect for someone because of such an action. That is normal. It's not "good" per se, as it is judgemental. But people are judgemental by nature, it's fairly common. But disapproving of an action, or losing respect, is a very different thing from what you experienced. You were tormented by this, to the point where you couldn't even face her.
You should try out therapy and hear what a professional has to say. They would be able to answer your questions much better, and help you with this. There's really not much strangers online can offer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): OP here,Chigirl, I do not make people feel bad about themselves, at least i think. When someones past bothers me I explain my feelings and then simply tell them we can only be friends because i am not the type of person who can deal with things like that. I don it nively without callig names or anything, i tell them that we did things differently and i dont think we would ever work out and most girls are glad i explain it nicely and we remain friends, of course some girls that like me a lot do get angry but i figure thats not my fault.I think i do have some problems with jealousy and some are definitely serious. I dont know if they're serious to go to therapy for, but if they continue i might later on.As for that friend i got jealous for, i got jealous that a guy who used her touched her and pressured her to do things and she let him. I was jealous over the fact that he did those things with her, and i couldnt stop picturing it. I ended my friendship with her because of who she did it with not what she did. Now some may think i am mean for that but i simply didnt want to keep thinking about those things so it was my only option at the moment. Maybe i do care to much, and maybe it shouldnt have bothered me so much, but it doesnt seem irrational to care about a guy touching a girl sexually, a hug wouldnt bother me and a kiss wouldnt bother me because ive liked girls whove done those things before and not been jealous, only sexual things bother me. I dont think thats unreasonable when i am so young to be bothered by girls doing things like that.As always i am open to advice about this because i can see why some would think its irrational, but just try and understand where my point of view is coming from.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 October 2012):
3. Are these thoughts wrong or mean like some people seem to think?
Morally, yes, they are wrong. Jealousy is a negative feeling. Negativity breeds negativity. That means, if you are jealous in a relationship then you will ruin that relationship, and make the other person feel terrible about themselves. It is an bad thing to do to someone.
5. Is it possible to be in a successful relationship with someone who has a past that bothers me without going to professional help?
Yes, if you work on it yourself. Without having a diagnosis I wouldn't think you would need professional help at all. If you suffer from something that you could be given a diagnosis for (and only a psychiatrist or psychologist can give you that), then I would suggest you get professional help.
If you truly do have some serious problem with jealousy to teh point where you could get a diagnosis for it, then it wont matter who you are with or what past they have. You would still find something to be jealous about, something you'd be angry for about their past. Be that a hug they once recieved, a boy they used to talk to, or a family member who gave them a peck on the cheek. A serious problem with jealousy would mean you are jealous of the most irrational things, so it wouldn't matter if you were with a virgin or not.
Then again, that friend you had who was a virgin, you were still angry at her for having let a boy touch her, even though she was still a virgin... So I'm thinking maybe you do need professional help. In any case, it wont hurt you to try it out. And therapy in genereal is good for everyone, no matter who they are or what they struggle with. Therapy isn't for loonies, it's for every day people who have something they struggle with. Such as yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): OP here,
All of you have had very helpful words and they have definately helped me but i still have some questions.
1. Is there actually a chance for me to get over this completely?
2. Is it possible to find someone who doesnt make me think like this?
3. Are these thoughts wrong or mean like some people seem to think?
4. Is there a specific way to not let the thoughts creep into my mind or get them out if i do think of them?
5. Is it possible to be in a successful relationship with someone who has a past that bothers me without going to professional help?
Im sorry for asking so many questions over the past few days i would just really like to get past this now when im young to be able to experience things normally in my 20's.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 October 2012):
Oh, and to calm you down a bit, remember what I wrote earlier. Women in general aren't really that into casual sex. Casual sex is a guy thing, or for a few women out there. Most women I know of only want sex in relationships, and have long lasting relationships too once they enter one. The likelihood of you ending up with a woman who's had tons of casual sex is pretty slim. Most women aren't into casual sex. And there's tons of women/girls who want their first time to be with another virgin as well, so you're not the only one in that boat. You're not the odd one out there..
And then, to echo Yos about some points.. I've had tons of casual sex. I'm one of those odd ones who do. I enjoy what you'd call "kinky" I suppose, and I enjoy doing it again because I have the intellect to know that if one guy did it wrong doesn't mean the next one will. I also have the experience to know this for a fact.
However I have a prudish friend who's only ever had sex with like.. 2-3 people (she's way older than you btw). She's only had sex in relationships, and her last relationship lasted 5 years. But will she do anything kinky? Not at all. Never has, never will. No one ever did it "wrong", but she's just not into it... Even if she's never done it before. She barely touches herself, she doesn't even want a boyfriend to go down on her. She's not exactly sexually free spirited.
So your assumptions go off on the wrong basis. Women who have had few partners are not likely to want to try new things. Virgins aren't likely to want to try new things. Looking at my own experience it's the ones who've had tons of casual sex that are more likely to be interested in doing new things.
But what I'm thinking is that what a person wants to do in bed, if they compare partners, if they are sexually restricted or not.. all of that depends on the PERSON, and has absolutely nothing to do with previous sex life (or lack of sex life). Same with performance, if a person if good in bed or not is not at all related to their level of experience. It's a personality trait, either you're attentive to your partner or you aren't. Either you're selfish in bed or you aren't. Got nothing to do with how many times you've had sex before, or how many people you've done it with.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (18 October 2012):
" She tried comforting me and telling me how she wish she waited and how special i was and how i made her feel better than he did but honestly that just made it worse for me so i ended up telling her we shouldn't talk anymore because she deserved someone who didn't care about her past.
I guess this all stems from insecurities from my past, not really girls past.. but i dont know how to move on and just feel okay about this."
Yos gives great advice, and I can't really offer much, other than say I recognize this feeling you describe here. I haven't ever been much of a jealous person, but I will admit, I have felt a strong jealousy/anger towards a persons past. It's hard to explain without going into too much detail, but to make it short: my boyfriend and I were friends for years, before we became a couple. Through parts of these years, I've experienced some shitty sides of his personality, where he'd let other girls come between us and push me out, to the point where we almost stopped being friends. Or he'd neglect our friendship, or ditch me etc. Just be a crappy friend at times. Then when we became an item, things did change. I mean, we weren't just friends any more, and he is also a different man now than he was 10 years ago! I mean I met him when we were both 16...
So my point is, why still be angry that he would ditch me back when we were teenagers? Why still be upset about it? I guess it's like this jealousy, or being angry because of someones past. The thing is, if you're living in the past you aren't allowing for any future. Things can't move forward if you don't let go of the past. And this goes for everything, past sins, past sex life, past crimes or hurtful acts. Examle, this girl that came between us several years ago, she tried to make him stop talking to me, and he let her. The other day I caught myself worrying if she'd attempt something like that again, and if he'd let her this time, because he had once before. The important thing that I remind myself of then is that he's not the same person he was years ago. People do change, mature, grow. And the relationship between me and him is also different now, than it was then. It isn't fair to hold it against him, because just because he did it back then, as a teenager, doesn't mean he will do it now, as a grown man who knows better.
Teenagers don't really think things through half the time, and really are bad at understanding cinsequences. That explains a lot of why they do stupid things, why they let someone do things to them that they don't really want. But that doesn't mean they will always allow that, or always do that.. People move on, and you need to take people for who they are TODAY, right here and now. And not take them for who they used to be, or what they did in the past. Beause like I said, if you live in the past you can't move forward. I can't have a relationship with my boyfriend if I'm going to be angry at him for things he did 5 years ago, when we weren't even a couple. The important thing is that he wouldn't do it now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): OP here once again,Yos thank you once again for your words they make me think in a good way. Let me just clarify some of those previous statments which i didn't think/type out completely.-For the whole comparing one I meant that a woman who has had more partners simply will have more people to compare me with, while the woman with the relationship has that one man she remember so well that she remembers all the things he did wrong just as much as the things he did great meaning i have less to compete with.-The kinky sex one, kinky was probably the wrong word, I meant she is more likely to have experiences that are not something i would particually agree with or ever experience myself(kinkier things) although she could also experience things that she did not enjoy when she did it that i would like to try (not necessarily kinky but fantasies) that someone she didnt like did with her and wasnt careful so its something she never wants to do again. Neither of these would be a deal breaker but to imagine someone i care about doing things i didnt agree with or doing things i want to do but she wont would bother me.-The "sewn her wild oats" one i meant more as i wouldn't want to end up woth a woman woman who had a promiscuous phase and then chooses me because she got used so many times and then just expects me to take care of her. -Now you understood the next one pretty well but i would like some clarificiation. Do you mean I should just accept a woman even if she has had lots of casual sex and i never have? Im not looking for a woman who shares all of my beliefs i just view this one as a very big one that we should agree on. Maybe im wrong, so im open to opinions but i really think we should have the same views on sex atleast.-Now for the last one, i understand the story and i understand it happens a lot, an maybe one day i can accept that as what happens with whatever girl i end up with, but for now I just dont see myself as ending like that because i simply dont think i could accept a past that was full of casual sex and experiences i dont have. This isnt because she would have more experiences but because i would never feel special ending with a girl who had sex with lots of guys because she shared something intimate that i believe should be shared with very few. Now that may seem unreasonable so any advice on how not to feel like this is welcome.I do understand that im putting to much thought and meaning into sex but i believe it deserves to always have meaning and i simply dont understand how people can just do it.
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reader, Yos  +, writes (18 October 2012):
 "I just really want my first time to be special and not be with someone who has experience with another person because then theyll think about them or judge me or something".
You have to let go of this belief. It's just not real. A girl who is really into you will be focussed on you when she's with you, and focussing on how wonderful she is feeling when being intimate with you. The rest of the world stops existing for those moments, for her. Your fears are just your fears, they're not real.
"She tried comforting me and telling me how she wish she waited and how special i was and how i made her feel better than he did but honestly that just made it worse for me."
Like this girl! She was telling you the truth.
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reader, Yos +, writes (18 October 2012):
I'll try to unpick some of your previous comments:
"-A woman who has had lots of casual sex will compare any person she has sex with, with the others, whether that be experience, penis size, or just the way they do things.(Yes this is insecurity and i know may not be true)"
Some might a bit, some won't. But in general if a woman is with you she is focussed on you: what sex is like with you and wanting to be with you. She won't be focussing on previous lovers. For most of us it's a natural process: our memories of our past lovers fade and become replaced with a much stronger set of images: the person we are with now.
Also bear in mind that you've added the word 'casual' in there arbitrarily. A woman who has been in a 10 year relationship prior to having sex with someone new is much more likely to compare that new person to her past lover than someone who has just have casual sex. Think about that for a while.
"-She is more than likely to have had much kinky sex, leading to her wanting to do something i find weird about, or hating something i want to try with her but she wont give me the chance based on how others have done it."
Not true. Kinky sex usually takes trust, which is something that comes in more stable relationships. Again the woman in that 10 year relationship is just as likely to have had 'kinky' sex. You are also caught in a contradiction yourself: on the one hand finding the idea of kinky sex weird but at the same time possibly wanting to experience it.
Forget about the kinkiness of sex. It's not important. The meaningful thing for a woman is if she really gave someone her heart or not. That is far deeper and more important than whether she let a guy blindfold her one time or not.
"-She has "sewn her wild oats" and is now just looking to me to be a caring provider who she can trust wont use her and just look at me as the "good" guy who she ends up with."
Maybe. So what? Would you rather be the bad guy who gets casual sex when young but can't find a woman to settle down with and ends up alone and childless later in life? Or the guy that finally 'gets the girl' and gets to have a long fulfilling relationship and family with her?
Being a caring provider is a good thing for a man to be. As for the exciting sexual man… you can be that too if you let yourself. These two things are not mutually exclusive, but rather about staying true to yourself whilst developing self confidence.
My oldest friend was a womaniser for years and had lots of casual sex. I on the other hand have generally been in long relationships, albeit with a couple of breaks. One night he got very emotional and told me he was jealous of my ability to 'keep a woman'. He could seduce them he said, but never hold on to them. He was very sad and lonely about it.
And, ironically, he's now the one who is engaged, not me.
"-She is more likely to have some sort if disease that can be transmitted."
People are responsible for whether or not they have STD's. You should be using a condom until you are going steady with someone: and in that time they'll know full well if they have an STD or not. And then they'll get it treated.
"-She wont view sex the way i do, not that her view is wrong, but how can i he sexually compatible who doesn't believe the same things about sex."
This is important.
- First, if you are looking for a partner that share's all your beliefs, you'll be single for the rest of your life. Everyone is different, including our beliefs, and a relationship is built on compromise and acceptance as much as compatibility and shared beliefs.
- Second, you can change some of your beliefs: the irrational ones that are getting in the way of you having a relationship. This is very common for men suffering from RJ: that they are in love and desperate to be with their partner, but are tortured by their negative thought sand images. In this case they face a decision: give up their irrational beliefs or give up their partner.
So try this out for size: "I believe that i can have a wonderful fulfilling relationship with a girl even though we have some differences in our beliefs".
By choosing to believe it you make it true for yourself, and it will make the world of difference for your future.
"-How can i be special to someone who has had sex with many guys, including guys she didnt love."
Easily, it happens all the time. Try thinking about it without you in the picture with this story:
"Sarah had a string of unsatisfying liaisons and boyfriends during her teens. She really wanted a nice relationship but the guys who at first seemed to be great quickly started ignoring her or just didn't give her the love and attention she needed. Then in her twenties she met Joe, who hadn't had much experience but really loved Sarah and treated her like his princess. This felt different to her: she felt so special in his eyes and in his arms, and finally realised she had found the relationship she was looking for."
This isn't an unusual story. In fact, it's probably the most common story for girls growing up. In some ways the fact a girl has had a string of bad boyfriends and sexual liaisons means that when she has a proper relationship it is MORE special. She knows what the other path is like and hence really appreciates the difference.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2012): OP hereChigirl you are right, i am thinking to much about sex, especially when i thought i was different from the other guys cause i wasnt trying to have sex with everyone, but i probably put more thought into it.I will definately date girls that arent virgins. I would like to put out that i do have other standards when it comes to a girl, i wouldnt date someone just because they were a virgin.I have some standards right now, but you are definitely right i dont know exactly what i want in a girl, but i am sure that sex is an important aspect to me. I definitely put it as a major one right now, but it seems like it should be, maybe it shouldnt be sex persay but something to do with character. I am definitely letting it bother me to much, but i dont really have experience with anything like that and for some reason, i must give off a trust worthy vibe or something, so many people tell me about their pasts, even without me asking. I guess thats where my whole "there are not to many virgins left" thought comes in, but i just really want my first time to be special and not be with someone who has experience with another person because then theyll think about them or judge me or something (this is definately based on my years of bullying and feeling insecure about my looks). I just put so much thought into it because i dont want to end up regretting it (yes i know i could regret doing it with a virgin). h and one other thing that might have brought this up was one girl who kept telling me how she liked me so much, but also told me how she did all these things first with a guy who ended up using her (not actual vaginal penetration, but oral and hands and what not). She kept telling me how she didnt like him when she did those things with him and i dont understand why she would do them then. I felt as if she was lying to me to make me feel better after i told her how that bothered me. She tried comforting me and telling me how she wish she waited and how special i was and how i made her feel better than he did but honestly that just made it worse for me so i ended up telling her we shouldn't talk anymore because she deserved someone who didn't care about her past.I guess this all stems from insecurities from my past, not really girls past.. but i dont know how to move on and just feel okay about this.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (17 October 2012):
" trust me there are not many virgins (at least that i speak too"
Most virgins, or even non-virgins, would think of this as too private to talk to you about. We had a small conversation about that one earlier. People lie to you, people hint at things, or people don't want you to know, plain and simple. Your focus is on the ones who have sex, and not on the ones who aren't. It just seems like they are all having sex, but probably just one quarter of you are having sex, if even that. Maybe one fifth.
And, that wont change dramatically fast. There's one tiny tiny bulk at 13-15. There's one bulk at 16 (seeing as that is the legal age, for those who have 18 as legal the bulk is at 18). Then you have one bulk around 20-23. And then it withers out to 24-30, and after that you still have some virgins left, especially those who are waiting with sex until marriage, or those who just have very high standards. As people get married later in life as society becomes more modern, the age for when people marry is pushing nearer to 30 now, whereas it'd be closer to 20 just one generation or two ago.
My point is, if you're not in the first bulk you have at least half the population with you who are also waiting for later. And, you are still able to enter relationships you know! Just because you're not sure about sex just yet, you can still have relationships. Dont' be so focused on the sex part. A relationship isn't just sex. If you focus only on sex girls will thnk you don't really want them for who they are, that you just want sex.... I wont blame you, mnost guys your age are only interested in sex. But I hope you can see a little bit further and look at the person as a whole, and not just "virgin or not virgin".
Once you get more familiar with the TYPE of woman you are interested in, personality, characteristics, values etc. that's when you can start to think further about the sexual aspect. But first things first: date a few women, find out who they are as a person, find out what sort of people you are attracted to (no one is attracted to a "virgin" per se, as that isn't a part of a personality). Put the virgin thing, and sex, on the side for a while and just have fun dating, getting to know girls. Maybe share some kisses, hold hands, be a couple in a relationship?
And then, once you've done that, if you still think virginity is important, you are still free to go out and date a woman who is a virgin, in addition to having the personality you've now learned to look for.
Bottom line: don't think too much about this. It'll sort itself out, just take first things first and let the pieces fall together as you go along.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2012): OP here,Im sorry if i came off like that, by "so long" i meant compared to my life, what i meant is i dont want to end up waiting so long that i end up alone. The only reason i entertain the idea of it is because i dont want to think like this, and i was thinking maybe the only way to stop requiring this as i get older is if i just experience them and realize they arent as bad as i think.I know this isnt too important but here the age of consent is 16, and trust me there are not many virgins (at least that i speak too) around here, now maybe that changes as i go to other places but i still find the possibility is pretty high of finding a girl with some past when i want no past at all.Now to answer your question:Personally i guess i always thought of the first time as suppose to be special and when youre in love(not necessarily married because i know not many people wait anymore) so i guess i just put my first time as being their first time too so it would be that extra special and have even more meaning and we wouldn't have to worry about the past experiences and we would both always remember sharing it. Now i dont mean just vaginal sex here, im referring to first everything, like i have stopped going after a girl after i learned she had sent nude and only been touched down there. Now recently girls have started paying attention to me which is different after getting bullied for so long, but all of them have done something. Now i do NOT view myself as above them, i dont insult them or even stop talking to them, i simply tell them i couldn't be more than friends because i want a virgin (in all sense of the word) and this led to an angry/bad end with the one girl specifically who told me she had sex with 3 guys and i was freaked out because i figured that was a lot, well in the heat of the anger she told she lied and had sex with 15 guys and told me it shouldnt matter and how mean i am. I think that moment was really when I realized i might run into problems and it made me realize that what if i hold this and i let great girls pass me because i think about their past to much i will end up unhappily. Due to the amount of thought i put into the future i have become obsessed with these thoughts.I have realized i do want to change this and just be able to accept girls that i like how they are, i don't want to get so hung up on it but thinking about a girl i would share my first time with ever doing something with someone else really hurts me. And yes i understand one day I might feel differently but i would like some help with now.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (17 October 2012):
OP, like Cindy said: you haven't waited for "so long". I know that at your age time seems to go veeery slowly. It seems like forever until you are 18, it seems like forever until you are 20. But from 20 years and up time starts to fly more normally. One year becomes less than nothing. And while waiting seems long now, you'll look back and think that you were rushing and stressing over nothing.
Relax, you've not waited for long, there's tons of time left to wait for, you've not even started the wait yet. First you need to be LEGAL, which you aren't yet. You need to be 18 in your counry to have sex. So the waiting begins at 18. And you're not 18 yet, so no... you haven't even begun the waiting. Right now you're still at a stage in life here you need to determine what you want, if you want to wait or not when the time comes, and what you should wait for, if anything.
My advice is that if you're unsure about something then don't do it. Do things when you know for sure, or else you end up doubting your decisions. It's okay to not know just yet what you want, and to take the time you need to figure it out. Some people know early on what they want, others need more time. And that's fine, doesn't make you a late bloomer, doesn't mean anything is wrong. It's just that people are different and want and need different things. You need to figure out what you want, and not focus on what others do/want.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 October 2012):
 OP, first of all let's be clear about something : at 16-17 , you haven't waited for " so long ", you haven't waited diddly squat, also considering that ,in most States of your country, age of sexual consent is 18 and if you'd have sex now you'd go against the law. You are not even supposed, technically, to have sex yet, so what have you been waiting for ?
Second thing, Ok, at 16-17 you don't need to be a sample of coherence and moral integrity, but, maybe make peace with your brain a little bit ?...
what do you really believe ? what are your own moral values ?
If virginity is so important to you ( at least as you made it sound at first ) then it's a no brainer. Defend the value you believe in, stay a virgin and marry a virgin. Of course your selection of mates will be more limited , but it's the same for anything one holds really important in life. A vegetarian who only wants a vegetarian partner. A communist that only wants another communist . And so on and so forth. When you put filters to your selection process ( which is not a wrong thing per se ) you get less offers in number . If it is for something you truly believe in, it's not even such an effort, it's just how things HAVE necssarily to be.
If it is instead , after all, not as all important and non-negotiable
( as it would appear from your even THINKING of casual sex for yourself ) then ...you don't have a problem. If you can accept the idea of non- virginity for yourself, you can surely accept it for someone else, can you ?
Third, what's the rush, do you need to decide today ? can't you just go with the flow and roll with the punches , and see how you feel later on ? You make it sound as if everybody is having sex at 14 , but that's totally untrue !
There's nothing strange about being a virgin at 18 or 20 or even more, - and at your age people change their ideas and adopt new outlooks on life real fast, - trust me, not necessarily in a couple of years your ideas about sex and love will be the same, so why is it so urgent choosing a course of action today ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): I apologize for the use of "vacation" it was suppose to be "focusing on virginity"
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): Chigirl,
I only entertain the idea because sometimes i wonder why do i even care so much. I couldnt actually go through with it, i just feel like waiting is leaving me unhappy so why not just go out there and find someone and get it over with.
I wouldn't actually go through with it after waiting and caring so long, but many people seem to think that i'm the one in the wrong and that casual sex is better than focusing on vacation.
I am just worried that one day ill find myself alone and missed my time to find anyone because ive been so obsessed with the past.
-OP
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reader, chigirl +, writes (16 October 2012):
"And last question, should i go out and have casual sex just to have those experiences like everyone else or is that the wrong decision?"
Wrong decision. "Everyone else" aren't out having casual sex. You think they do, but that is because you choose to focus on some things and some you ignore. This is a very common thing for people to do. For example, if I am single and want a relationship I see couples everywhere, and think "everyone has someone, Im the only single one!". But that isn't so. I am just focusing on one thing, and ignoring other things. "Everyone" are not having casual sex. Only a small number of people are having casual sex, and some who don't lie and pretend that they do, because they want to look cool. But there aren't really that many who actually have casual sex, and the majority of those who have casual sex are guys. Women aren't that interested in it. So that is why, if a woman wants to have casual sex, she can choose between 20+ guys because few guys turns down casual sex, whereas few girls are interested in casual sex. There's a big difference there between the genders. Guys would be wise to stop man-whoring around.... Because you lose respect from women who aren't interested in that sort of thing. And, seeing as you preferably want a virgin for your first time, sleeping around would be the worst thing ever.
I don't understand this though, why is that virginity is so special to you, yet you entertain the idea of sleeping around? Wouldn't that be the complete opposite of who you are and what you want? Explain that one to me if you can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): OP here again,Once again thank you for your well thought out response Yos, and yes you were right many of those statements did kind of go against what i believe."They could have many hangups, insecurities and prejudices." I definately have some of these, im a little insecure but i have a few and i have many prejudice.For the others i have a few statements of my beliefs that i know are somewhat wrong and maybe you could help me with them. They will mostly be about woman but that doesnt mean i view guys as better or whatever, but i dont actually view them as partners, although i do believe they shouldnt be having casual sex, or using woman like i hear about many guys doing.-A woman who has had lots of casual sex will compare any person she has sex with, with the others, whether that be experience, penis size, or just the way they do things.(Yes this is insecurity and i know may not be true)-She is more than likely to have had much kinky sex, leading to her wanting to do something i find weird about, or hating something i want to try with her but she wont give me the chance based on how others have done it.-She has "sewn her wild oats" and is now just looking to me to be a caring provider who she can trust wont use her and just look at me as the "good" guy who she ends up with.-She is more likely to have some sort if disease that can be transmitted.-She wont view sex the way i do, not that her view is wrong, but how can i he sexually compatible who doesnt believe the same things about sex.-How can i be special to someone who has had sex with many guys, including guys she didnt love.I want to get over this and just be able to have a "normal" love life. Also to explain more about my insecurities which may be there, i am bullied alot about my looks so i dont really feel attractive.Also i dont know if possible, i would like to not have to go to therapy at this time because if i did i would want to go without having to tell other people (like my parents) and its not really affecting my whole life, just my "love" life.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 October 2012):
You have already received very good advice, and personally I am the worst person ever to advise about RJ because I start an authomatic eye roll as soon as I read a post about it, I just can't relate, frankly it seems to me the biggest mental wanking that an overinflated ego may crank up,.... but, being the scrupolous Aunt that I am, I did my homework and went to read quite a bit about what is also called the " Rebecca's syndrome " ( You know " Rebecca the first wife ? Like the old movie ? ).
Long story short, eventually at some point, you'll need to resort to a professional therapist to sort this out. It's a matter of actually remapping your brain, and teaching yourself to break the mold of irrational limiting beliefs, and adopting consciously new reactions to old mental stimuli,... but it's not an easy job and you may need professional guidance to do it.
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reader, Yos +, writes (16 October 2012):
""1. I was going to wait till I'm in love anyways, but if I waited until I found love with a virgin could it be more special than a non-virgin because not only do we love each other but were both virgins too?"
- Perhaps. But more important is that you have sex with someone you care about and who cares about you. If you wait for a virgin and to both fall in love you may end up never meeting anyone.
"2. I've read about retroactive jealousy, and i definitely have it, so even if i fell in love wont I be bothered by their past?"
- The more you love someone the worse the retroactive jealousy is. It's quite common for guys to experience no retroactive jealousy until they fall in love.
"3. I think i also have a fear of abandonment (due to some issues when i was younger) could this he affecting my whole "not special of not first" attitude?"
Yes it could, very much so. Retroactive jealousy is often do with feeling someone won't stay faithful to you since you are just 'one of many other guys'. If you have this fear strongly and you feel it's causing problems in your life you should consider talking to a professional therapist about it.
"4. Does anyone have advice to get over my fear of abandonment and retroactive jealousy?"
Beyond the advice a gave below it's a gradual process of self-insight, identifying and changing our unhelpful irrational beliefs and building up confidence and positive experiences in life.
"5. Its not that i really view girls as being damaged goods persay, its just that i feel sex is something special and i know alot of girls who have sex with guys who they dont love and i simply dont understand this. Is it wrong to at least want a girl who thinks sex is suppose to have meaning and doesnt have casual sex?"
Casual sex can have meaning. This is an area where you do have irrational beliefs. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with preferring a girl who isn't into casual sex, but there is absolutely something wrong with thinking negative thoughts about someone who does (as long as they do it in a safe, consensual and healthy way).
Try these out for size. These are all true statements but some will probably bump into your irrational beliefs that are partly the cause for your retroactive jealousy:
- Casual sex can be harmless fun for both participants when they are honest with each other, safe and show respect.
- A woman who had a lot of casual sex at one point in her life can be completely capable of being a loyal, committed and wonderful girlfriend or wife later.
- Someone who has had a very limited number of sexual partners does not necessarily have a healthy relationship with sex. They could have many hangups, insecurities and prejudices.
- Casual sex can be good or bad. Relationship sex can be good or bad. It's about the connection, intimacy, respect and honesty the two participants show towards each other. This often means that relationship sex is better, but it's not always true. Some people in relationships have terrible sex lives.
- Casual sex is not immoral as long as it is consensual and no one is cheating on anyone.
- The fact that I don't understand how someone can enjoy casual sex doesn't say anything about them. It says something about me.
- That I feel sex should be something 'special' doesn't mean others have to think that way. Anyway, 'special' means something different to everybody.
- It's possible that my problem with casual sex comes from my own insecurities. My negative feelings towards casual sex are my feelings, coming from within me. If i want to understand those feelings I should look with myself rather than labelling, blaming or judging others'
"And last question, should i go out and have casual sex just to have those experiences like everyone else or is that the wrong decision?"
- It's up to you. Really. But personally I would suggest you try it. You may find that it's not nearly as bad as you think. And also that it's not a black and white issue. Casual sex can mean sex with a girl you really like and that you connect with, just that you're not putting yourselves into the 'relationship' category at that time. Which you might do later. Perhaps a better way to think of it is to have sex as part of getting to know a girl you are attracted to and like, whilst not creating unrealistic expectations at the start.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2012): OP here again, Thank you once again chigirl, youre advice definitely helps but i do still have a few questions.1. I was going to wait till im in love anyways, but if i waited until i found love with a virgin could it be more special than a nonvirgin because not inly do we love each other but were both virgins too?2.Ive read about retroactive jealousy, and i definately have it, so even if i fell in love wont i be bothered by theyre past?3. I think i also have a fear of abandonment (due to some issues when i was younger) could this he affecting my whole "not special of not first" attitude? 4. Does anyone have advice to get over my fear of abandonment and retroactive jealousy?5. Its not that i really view girls as being damaged goods persay, its just that i feel sex is something special and i know alot of girls who have sex with guys who they dont love and i simply dont understand this. Is it wrong to at least want a girl who thinks sex is suppose to have meaning and doesnt have casual sex?And last question, should i go out and have casual sex just to have those experiences like everyone else or is that the wrong decision?
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reader, Yos +, writes (15 October 2012):
Sounds like you've got it pretty bad. There's a few things you can do:
- Get some experience! I'm serious. Less experienced guys tend to suffer more from retroactive jealousy than more experienced guys. Up to a point: and don't do anything you'll regret later. But do allow yourself to get involved with a girl even if she may not be 'the one' for you forever and ever...
- Work on your relaxation and confidence. This can come through sports, other achievements, and especially from something like martial arts or meditation. These teach us to quiet our minds and become more grounded, which really helps deal with retroactive jealousy.
- Understand that your reactions are based on a 'bug' in your mind. An error in how your brain is working: A normal amount of jealousy is natural and to be expected. But retroactive jealousy is irrational and entirely unhelpful. Somewhere deep within your mental model of the world will be some irrational beliefs that are sustaining your RJ. These are often things like 'women are damaged by casual sex', 'people are permanently marked by their past experiences', and 'I am morally superior to people who have casual sex'. These are all wrong: they are irrational beliefs because when you look at the real world it turns out they are not true. By finding, facing and rejecting your irrational beliefs you can immunise yourself against retroactive jealousy in the future.
I post about this subject a lot here, if you go back through my post history you'll find many discussions on it. Although I caution against spending the next 24 hours doing so: the more you think about RJ the worse it gets, and the less you think about it the better it gets.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2012): OP here again,
Thank you
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reader, chigirl +, writes (14 October 2012):
If the person you are with is the right one, and not just using you, or has no feelings for you.. then you will be special.
If the person is just using you for sex, or have no feelings for you, you will not be special, even if it is their first time having sex.
My first time having sex was with another virgin boy. But we had no feelings for each other. I didn't care about him, I was not in love, we were not a couple. I just wanted to explore, I was curious. It was not special. It meant nothing actually.
But then later on, when I had sex for the first time with someone I truly loved.. the first time I "made love" to someone, it was very special. I still remember how I felt, I still remember his face, the look on his face, the room, the feelings, the emotions I had. I remember that experience. But my first time having sex? I can barely recall much other than I know who I did it with and where.
So you see, it isn't the amount of times you've done something that makes something special or not. It is the experience itself that can either be special, or not special, regardless of a "number".
Of course, you will have a hard time believing this now, because you don't know any better. I was just as clueless as you when I first started having sex, and I couldn't really picture it making a big difference if I waited for someone I was in love with or not. I mean sure, it would have been nice to be in love, but I didn't think it would really matter much. I guess, maybe I was at the same stage you are at, thinking that feelings don't make a difference, it is the number that makes the difference? I think I maybe thought that it'd feel the same no matter who it was with, because I thought of sex as something mechanical. Penis goes in vagina, you pump in and out, and then done. I didn't realize it was so much more.
But, as you grow older and experience things, you will know what I mean. You can have sex for the first time with someone who is a virgin, but it wont make it special. Or you can wait for a woman who you care deeply for, and who cares deeply for you, and it WILL be special. Regardless if you are a virgin, regardless if she is a virgin. So if you want to be special for someone, if you want it to be a special experience that you can remember and look back on with a smile.. then look for someone who genuinely cares about you, loves you, and wants to be with you. Don't look for a virgin. A virgin wont make you feel special if she disposes of you like a piece of trash the next day and then hooks up with someone else within a week after.
As for the prying into personal business thing. No, it isn't polite or proper to ask people out about their sexual experiences. Sure, you're curious like everyone else at your age. But it isn't nice, and you can end up offending people. Rather you should get to know them, and then once you feel close enough to them you can ask them. You don't have to be in a relationship to ask them, but you need to have been on a few dates at least.
But you're so young, there really is no rush. My boyfriend was a virgin until he was 24, and he thought it was well worth the wait. It really isn't unusual for both men and women to be virgins up in their twenties. And me and my boyfriend started our relationship built on friendship and love, not just "scores and statistics" of who's slept with whom how many times. The love between us made our first time very special. Unique in fact. He knows that. He feels special. And I feel special. I don't feel special because he was a virgin, I feel special because out of all the people in the world it is me he loves. That's what is special about it.
If you can be with someone you love and who loves you.. well, that's hard to find. A virgin really isn't that hard to find in comparison.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2012): OP here,
So thank you for your advice, but now do any of you have advice on retroactive jealousy and how to not get it to bother me?
I just feel like I want to be really special (especially my first) and im not sure if it would be as special with someone who has done something x amount of times.
I just need some advice so i can accept people and actually have a relationship finally.
Also i feel like it is not inappropriate to ask about the past early to prevent finding out someone feels differently or has done something that i feel to be wrong in my opinion, is that wrong? if so advice on this to?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2012): I have to disagree with Chigirl.
Retroactive jealousy will not bother someone less once they are in love with their partner. It will bother them more.
Waiting until you are in love with someone before asking about their past is not the right move. It's a great way to end up too in love to break up but terribly pained by what you hear. That is not a way to deal with it, this a nightmare! That is absolutely the worst situation to be in when it comes to Retroactive Jealousy! I don't know how on earth this could be good advice!
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reader, chigirl +, writes (13 October 2012):
My guess is that you haven't been in love with any of these girls. If you're not in love then it is easy to be picky about "small tuff". But once you're in love you'll be willing to ignore mountains of trouble... The best thing of course is to find a middle ground, be in love and ignore the small stuff, but still be sane and walk away once the truly big red flags show up. Example: her having kissed a guy or had one or two experiences.. No biggie. Her loving to sleep around, likes to flirt with your friends, has cheated.. Big trouble. Find a girl you're in love with, and then don't ask personal questions until you've actually reached that stage of intimacy. You can't just go an ask people about their experiences like that. Besides, plenty of girls your age will lie about experiences, same as boys your age do. They might think a boy wants to have sex, so they should pretend they like sex as well, so that the boy will want them. So, don't believe whatever people say to you upfront. Once you get closer to them though, and get to know them better... that is when you'll hear the truth. Girls your age think all a boy wants is sex, and are inclined to pretend they are experienced if that is what they think will get them a boys attention. The ones who truly haven't done anything wont be telling you so upfront, but will probably keep it to themselves. PS. You're not a believer of equality. You're a believer of tit for tat. Equality is something different.
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reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (13 October 2012):
 The good news is you are young. But you definitely suffer from retroactive jealousy which is very common. I don't think you should stop asking about a girl's past completely, ask if she is a virgin since you are one and that's what you want. If she is a virgin then there's nothing else to ask really. It shouldn't be very hard to find a sexually inexperienced girl at your age if that's really what you want, so being young is a good thing.
Now if you are asking how to deal with a girl who has a sexual past it's going to be harder. This is more for the future or if you simply cant find a girl without a history already. Typically once you have more sexual experience you won't have a problem with your girlfriend having the same, just nothing that you consider "too much". First off, you can still ask about sexual partners but only ask the number. I think that is fair game to ask someone. But DO NOT ask anything else. Finding out too much information will only hurt you later when you picture her with some guy. I learned this the hard way by asking by now husband what the craziest sexual thing he's done is early in our relationship. Well I learned it but wish I hadnt. I will still randomly think of it today, it changed my opinion of him. I often wonder why I ever needed to know that info, I didn't, I could've stayed blissfully aware. I said after that that I would never ask another boyfriend, if I had another one, any specifics about sexual past. I learned my lesson. You need to do the same.
Now if you do decide to date a girl now who has had sex before, you didn't ask any specifics and you were good about that, but you are still bothered that she has had sex. You can try to get past it in your mind as I have. What I do is remind myself that it was his past, a long time ago and has no bearing on him now, he's a human being and it's natural to experiment/explore what you can, he's with me now. Whenever the thoughts come up I can stifle them very quickly by remembering all of that. But the best way to avoid it altogether is to not ask for details. If you are still struggling there are a ton of posts on this site about retroactive jealousy and you can find a aunt called Yos on the site who has very good posts and ways to deal with it.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 October 2012):
 So if a girl never had a kiss even on the face she should be bothered that you had a 1 second peck, and that if you decide to kiss her for 1 second it won't mean anything since you had that experience?
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