A
female
age
36-40,
*issapointed
writes:About a month ago my boyfriend and I talked about how much his watching porn bothered me, he said he would stop because of how much it bothered me.After several weeks of assuring me he had not watched any porn, yesterday I found out he was lying. I find lying particularly bad and have never been able to trust someone fully after finding out they lied.He sais he needs to watch porn because he is a very sexual person and sex with me once everyother day (sometimes everyday) is not enough for him. He said he lied to save my feelings so I would not feel it was me.If it was not for his porn watching, and this first time lying offence he would be perfect.I do love him very much and he loves me.How can I trust him again?How do I know he is not lying about something else?How do I punish him for the lying? or do I?How can I get him to stop watching porn?Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): Punish him or not, the most important issue here I think is whether you can accept his addiction or not. Because like it or not, he isn't going to change just because You want him to. He is addicted and he can't control that part of his personality. The way I see it its either you swallow your pride and accept him, pornography, masturbation and all, or stop the relationship as early as you can. I speak from experience dearie. I'm married to an addict. He promised to change for me too. I was so naive. And gullible. Well, I hope you can learn from my experience. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): Read "AsianTealeaf's" response to porn in another article - brilliant. She has spoken of how her bf has given up porn for her and how their love life has improved - I thought the article was succinct and eloquent and well worth a read. You get the guys on this site jumping to porn's defence - but when you read this ladies article, there really is no excuse/defense for it. Basically if a man is too immature to see what his actions regarding porn do to a relationship, then is he really someone who you want to be with. She has also spoken about women's insecurity over it which no man on this forum has ever understood - she likens this insecurity for a women in how men feel over the size of their penis and how insecure they feel over this, especially if they have a really small one.
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A
male
reader, Rogerramjet +, writes (26 May 2009):
Eh, i can definitely understand lying about watching porn. I don't think alot of people realize just HOW common it is for guys to watch porn.. It's just not something alot of us talk about, and so when we are found out i think we're just really really embarassed, and lie to try to save face.I know i'm guilty of this as well. It's frustrating for us guys sometimes.. cause we get aroused pretty easily, and pretty regularly during the course of a day....If i could have sex with my wife everytime i got horny, i definitely would, but due to obvious circumstances in life that's just not possible, so we have to find some other way to get off..I think one positive spin you can take is this: At least he isn't going out and finding another woman to get him off, right?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): You can't stop him from watching porn, no more than he can't stop you from going out for drinks with your girlfriends, if that is something you do. In my opinion, porn is not a problem if it is not an addiction or the person doesn't use it instead of taking care of the needs of his partner.
A lot of guys have higher sex drives than their partners. I have always had a higher sex drive than my wife. What is wrong with him watching porn if it does not interfere with your relationship directly. My wife never thought it did, as she would rather I get what I need from porn when she doesn't want sex than have me be pressuring her for sex. She and I even watch together at times and I sometimes watch when she is in the room reading before bed. It gets me more excited for sex and sometimes does the same for her.
From what you have said, it appears that he is not ignoring your sexual needs. If that is the case then you need to not interfere with his sexual needs. If he is ignoring your sexual needs or your needs for affection then he has a problem that needs solving. Forcing him to take care of his sexual needs only when you think it appropriate is just going to add stress to his life and interfere with your relationship. Men masturbate at times because it is a release for built up stress and porn helps with that stress.
Relationships work better when men try to understand the needs of the woman and the woman tries to understand the needs of the man.
I wrote an article on this some months ago. Here it is:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/working-on-our-insecurities-is-most-times-better.html
I don't know if it has been of any help to anyone, but take a look at it. Just because he watches porn doesn't mean that he would rather be with those women instead of you. I don't know about most men, but I have never wanted any porn star instead of my wife or any other past girlfriend. Not even if I could have them. In general, those are not the women that I find desirable and I don't think that most men who watch porn find them that desirable either. One very intelligent past porn star said that real sex with her partner/husband was very different than her acting in movies. She said that most of their sex was just plain old missionary position sex and that is what she liked the best.
Good luck in whatever you decide, but don't think that forcing him to stop or finding a way to punish him is going to do any good for either of you. I agree that lying is not a good thing, but often people lie so that they don't hurt the other person's feelings or cause the other person undue concern.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (26 May 2009):
 Men have been into porn in some form or another for so many years, it started with page 3 girls in the newspapers and progressed to movies - videos or DVD's and the explosion of the internet now means that instead of men going into seedy little shops with blacked out windows or magazines from the top shelf in shops put into brown paper bags, they can openly watch anything they want.
Let's be fair there is porn you can see on Digital TV if you pay for it.
Some guys are more sexual than others and if they like watching porn it is not something they are going to be able to give up overnight.
You are still in your twenties and I am assuming your bf is of a similar age. He wouldn't be human if he didn't have some sort of interest in the opposite sex but it really does depend on if you can live with it or if it is affecting your relationship. Some guys are much more obvious than others in their habits. My ex was one who was not an obvious watcher but I knew that he looked on the internet and have movies - some were videos so it tells you how old they were.
When you get older and you are either in a settled relationship or have children the urge/desire to watch loads of porn is not always possible when you have little ones running around and the front lawn needs mowing.
It is either something you either accept to a degree but you talk about it openly or you can't get over it and move on to someone new but he still watches porn but doesn't make it obvious or he is not as sexually charged as your previous bf.
This is your call really but the internet has not helped how easy it is to watch it I guess.
No set answers for this one I'm afraid. It never sat well with me especially after my ex and I had our daughter but our relationship changed and if he watched porn he didn't come to me which at the time was a massive relief as I was suffering with severe postnatal depression.
Wish you well.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife +, writes (26 May 2009):
 The reason why I watch porn is because it gives a bigger orgasm than just masturbating.
Maybe he doesn't want to stop but a good way for you to know what he's watching would be to give pictures of yourself.
Acknowledging is addiction might show him that you care about him enough to surpass that.
On another hand (as seen on fireproof movie), addictions such as porn/drugs/alcohol is a plague in a relationship that eats it little by little.
On your next movie night, try to rent it, just say that it was recommended by a friend. (Don't mention anything)
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