A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 8years. We have talked about marriage and having children and settling down. We currently live together. For the past few months however I just haven’t been happy. We’ve been arguing a lot and we just feel distant. I feel like I live with a stranger and I’m questioning what I was doing for the last 8years with this guy. I thought it was me but the other day we had a massive arguement I don’t even really know what about but he locked me out the house..he eventually let me back in but he was fuming and said some really horrible things to me like if he found out I couldn’t have children for any reason he’d leave me...he now claims not to remember sayin this and he’d had too much to drink and now says he wouldn’t of meant it if he said it.he also said he didn’t think I was one he wanted to settle down with and felt I needed to change to be someone he wanted to be with...again he denies he said this, these things though have really hurt and are reason I’m questioning our relationship. Now to top things off his phone kept beeping he’d left if by mistake and it was really frustrating as I was trying to sleep so I picked it up to turn down the volume but on the lock screen I noticed his unread messages (I know I shouldn’t have looked but I just saw this woman’s name) and the messages we repeatedly coming. There was a few women’s names in the screen (I didn’t open his phone) just what popped up in the screen and these women are sending him dirty pictures and one is replying to him where he asked her to meet up saying no!!! One message from a woman was very explicit. I get the idea he hasn’t met up with any of these women from the messages but he asked one to meet and I feel like I don’t know him anymore and feel like I want to leave him, but I live so far away from home and feel like I’d be throwing away 8years. He doesn’t know I’ve seen this messages...he says he doesn’t feel loved anymore by me and I’m really distant but all I can think of when I see him is these messages from these women and I hate him for it. What would you do in my situation? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2019): So you want to waste another 8 years of your life on this relationship? Ask yourself can you honestly see it improving after what has been said and what you have seen?
You are young enough to let go, be single, sample life dating and restarting your life, what would be a crying shame is if you stay in a relationship that has no real future any longer.
Let him go and make way for better times, I'm sure you both had good times but it has run its course and you both know it x
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (7 June 2019):
 Leave. Easy to say yes however its a whole lot easier than having to deal with the carnage of his cheating-which he is, maybe not physically but like likelihood is only the next step. Throwing away 8 years past is better than 8 years more later. call him out on the txt but dont listen to his bullshit or take blame.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 June 2019):
 I'll give you two examples to think about. It may seem long and irrelevant, but bear with it.A is 29. She has been with D for 12 years. He cheated once when they were about 17, so they broke up, but not for long and he hasn't cheated again (as much as anyone can say with certainty about their partner) because he grew up and realised what he'd got. They went to different universities, kept a long distance relationship going and went travelling together over the years. At 26, they'd saved up enough to buy an apartment together. At 28, he proposed. At 29 (and a half) they just got married this past weekend. They are both want kids, but not for a few years because they both still want to travel.K is 32 later this month. She has been with E (a couple of years older than her) for about 8 years. She has WANTED to get married for the last few years, but he is of a different faith and his parents have only met her twice. He's not particularly religious and his sister does things that go against their faith, but we've always wondered if he'd actually commit to K, against what's expected of him. After about 7 years, she FINALLY got the courage to say to him that it's not working out. He was very emotional because he does love her. He promised they'd buy a house together and they have, after living together in his dodgy garage "apartment" for a couple of years. However, he still hasn't promised marriage or children. We all know that he loves her, but we are also frustrated that he won't just let her go if he isn't going to marry her. She has always needed more reassurance and is scared of confrontation or never finding anyone else. By buying a house together, he's given her just enough to settle her concerns. However, it's more real now because her sister (A) just got married and her other cousin had a baby 2 years ago - both things she wants and is unlikely to get with E. Soon, she will have to decide because she's in her 30s now.Your guy sounds more like E, but he also cheats and says nasty things. Like with K, it's time to put your foot down and say you've had enough. You're not getting the right treatment and it has no happy future. There is no excuse for him saying those things or locking you out. If he felt unloved, he communicates with you - not talks to other women. You wouldn't be throwing away 8 years; you'd be allowing the relationship to end, so you find someone to spend the next 8 - 60 years with (after 9+ months of being single to heal). You WILL find someone else and they WILL be better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2019): People think living together is like previewing marriage or getting to know each other. Practice and preparation for life to come. Well, here's a few fun facts you and other women might take into advisement; before you dedicate a chunk of your life to some guy who just talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk! Only to end-up being treating as awfully as you have been treated.
Men and women don't think alike. When a guy moves-in with his girlfriend; he's thinking sex will be available on demand. He has company at all hours, and somebody to cook, clean, do laundry, and pay half the bills. He loves you, but marriage is the furthest thing from his mind. I don't care what he tells you after good sex! Many women think living together long-term is a precursor to marriage. Increasing the likelihood he will get comfortable with domestication. Maybe it's a golden-opportunity to show him how indispensable she can be, and how much of a great-catch she is.
You'll "talk" about marriage and babies; but that won't materialize anytime soon! Mainly because he's getting the milk without buying the dairy. Yes, he'll live with you as long as you want to; but you haven't locked-in on a reliable investment. You can only assume you can cash-in your time-investment for your dividends at some future date. In fact, studies and statistics show people who lived together before marriage divorce at a higher rate than couples who didn't! I didn't make that up!
He gave you eight years of "supposed" monogamy. Well, at least he stuck by you throughout all that time. You can't judge by the outcome whether it was all worth it; but my wisdom tells me you saw warning-signs and dismissed them. Your mind was made up that "he is, and should be the one!" The trouble is, you can't tell if he sincerely believed that himself. He knew you were worth it; he just wasn't fully into the relationship becoming marriage at some point. He stretched-out the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship; hoping you'd be satisfied with things as they are. Still leaving himself an exit-clause when he felt like bailing! While keeping all his assets, and no legal-fees to worry about! An exit-option, should the relationship sour; or if sex becomes too boring and predictable.
He feels that's what you're worth; and now he's ready to move-on, to find a woman he thinks would be more suited to be the woman he could spend a lifetime with. He started looking for that woman when your fights became increasingly more volatile. You weren't just quietly taking-in all this horrible talk and his insults; you were engaged and participatory. You both exchanged ugly remarks and threats. I'm sure it wasn't a one-sided fight. I speculate that as time passed; the quality of the relationship was declining. Deterioration sped-up when the talk of marriage and babies started to become a more frequent topic. You may be a great girlfriend, but not his idea of a wife. No matter how great you are! That's no slight on you; because you're probably a hell of a lot more than he will ever deserve! You just planted your hopes and dreams on the wrong guy!
There's always a creative explanation of how you ended-up snooping on his phone. Just admit you checked his phone. It was no accident. Well, you discovered what he is and how he really feels about marriage. It's painful. The truth hurts, but you don't have to stay there and suffer his truth. Better you know now, than three kids, a dog, and a pile of bills later as his wife!
He's over the relationship, and probably has been for quite sometime. You can't imitate marriage, or reassure that an eventual marriage will work; just because you lived together for ages. He's ready to breakup! His mistake was filling your head with talk of marriage and all that.
You had to get the truth in a drunken-tirade. Lo and behold, the nasty truth comes out! He didn't forget, and he meant every word of it. He just doesn't want to face any rebuttal or admonishment for it. The day he locked you out of the house should have been the day he packed his bags and left...or the other-way around!
Imitating marriage by intertwining credit and bank accounts, and having kids; will not assure you a slam-dunk chance to walk down the isle. Not with a partner who drags it out for years. Always promising, but never getting off the pot. In fact, move-in just expecting to live together, have sex, and share expenses. The reality is, that it just gives him all the benefits of commitment; but no requirement to seal the deal. When he wants out, all he has to do is act-up and piss you off. Just as he did! Then pretend he didn't mean it, or blacked-out from alcohol. When you turn into that kind of bastard, because of alcohol?!! That's a deal-breaker for me right-there!!!
The heart doesn't undo itself easily. The mind can see when things are going wrong, or heading towards the wrong-direction. Common-sense has a hard-time convincing a stubborn-heart of the reality of things. So love is used as the excuse to put-up with it. That's not always the case. It's also entitlement; and the mindset that you want what you want, no matter what!
Kick him out, or pack your bags and go! No need to study or stew over it. He's done with the relationship; and you may as well be too.
We don't get to take-back the years we invest in a relationship; and there may never be any solace or compensation for the pain suffered when they end. This was the journey you were to spend together; but your destiny is with someone else, and life has something different in-store for you.
You're still vibrant and young. You have many years to prosper, recover, and move-on to better things. Don't let this crush your dreams. He just made room in your life for somebody better, sweetheart! This is free advice, you can take it or leave it!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (6 June 2019):
 In your shoes I would cut my losses and not waste any more years on him. You obviously got into this relationship when you (and he, I assume) were very young. You are now very different people to 8 years ago. The relationship has run its course and you KNOW he is cheating, regardless of whether he has actually managed to persuade any of these women to meet him. You KNOW it's only a matter of time.
You are still young. Draw a line under this relationship and move on. If you feel it is best for you, move back to where home is and start again.
You deserve better. I promise you, the abuse will only escalate with time. Stop wasting your life on this guy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 June 2019):
 I think you look at it in the wrong way.
YOU would NOT be throwing "away" 8 years, you would be accepting that your relationship HAD a expiration date and it has come and gone and you both ignored it.
What he SAID to you (while claiming to not remember and being drunk) was probably the truth. WHY else would he really say that?
Sounds like HE had SEVERAL irons in the fire (as in looking to meet up, get to know, share explicit pics and conversations with OTHER women) SO acting like he is ALREADY single. I think he has been doing and saying stuff he KNOWS you don't like, so that YOU will be the one ending things and walking away, thus HE won't be the "bad guy". The COWARDS way of conducting a relationship.
And... it might also be that you two have been together for 8 years and well, haven't progressed as much as HE thinks you should have.
"FUNNY" how YOU are the one he thinks should make ALL the changes for you two to have a future and HE is the one doing SHADY SHIT behind your back! That is kind of ironic, don't you think?
What would I do in your shoes?
I would probably leave BEFORE he physically cheated on me or spewed more non-constructive diarrhea. Now it MIGHT be that you two simply TAKE each other for granted. Which leaves you both feeling unfulfilled. A relationship NEEDS to be worked on, adjustments and compromises over time etc. Some time people get a little "lazy" and just goes with the flow until stuff breaks down.
It seems like he (at least mentally) have already left the relationship.
BUT you HAVE to decide, IS there something here to salvage?
It's not uncommon for couples to have some bumps in the road and still work out. SO, do you SEE a future with him? If you DO you need to take the bull by it horn and have a conversation of what needs to happen from BOTH sides. Him talking to other women like that, is for most a deal breaker. Sometimes however, it's a catalyst to letting you know things need to be worked on.
Up to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2019): What would I do in your situation? Leave!! Do you want to throw away eight more years on this guy? It's just going to get worse. He locked you out of the house, he's getting nude pics of other women, you feel distant from him and unhappy. If he hasn't already cheated, he will. Can you think of any good reason to stay? Don't let him make you feel guilty for his shortcomings.
Do you work? If not, can you move back home until you find a job and a place to settle? Make a plan to leave that will suit you best, but please get out of there.
Don't be afraid to throw away those eight years. You're still young. Learn from them and demand respect and set boundaries for the next guy.
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