A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was sexually abused by my stepfather for about ten years and i was so afraid and ashamed to tell anyone..i finally got the courage to tell my boyfriend at age 17 and and he helped me to tell my mother..so i wrote my mother a letter telling her, she cried and talked to me about it, then said that i could never tell anyone about it, especially my brothers or grandparents. Im fixing to be 21 now and my mother is still with my stepfather..it hurts me so much that she basically chose him over me..not only that, but she still expects me to hug him and tell him i love him and to act like everything is freaking peachy, just so she looks good. I guess her reason behind it all is so she won't ruin her reputation.Im so scared and confused on what to do..I recently got married and I feel like it causes us problems..what should i do? how do i confront my mother again? it hurts so very badly that she didnt even care... Reply to this Question
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 October 2007):
 OK we'll have to take the other direction. Here is what you need to do. It's going to be difficult as well. It sucks than anything to change trauma is difficult. I wish there was a "you'll be better now" pill.
Family meeting. The way to get over what's going on with you is to confront those who hurt you. You're mom all ready knows, so it's OK to confront both at the same time. In order to truly move on and have deep forgiveness is to confront them. You need to know how you feel being violated, what that violation has done to your self esteem, and the life you have now. You need to tell your mom how you feel about her actions. Lay out all your feelings on the table then you're ready to forgive. When you do this is the best way to say it. "I forgive you, not because you deserve it, but because I deserve to live without carrying this burden with me."
I did this same technique when cheated on, it was like a weight lifted off me, the fears and everything attached disappeared.
It really does work. I hope you get to smiling again. When you're done with this then it's time to begin building yourself back up, so you can live happy for you and just because you're the special person you are, and you'll know it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm just so sad and depressed..ive been like this for the past two days..The memories just hit me randomly and nothing makes me happy. I just dont know what to do to feel better, please help..please..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgave him but i cant forget and i've thought about turning him in for a very long time but i also feel sorry for him because he's in bad health. He has a metal heart valve and his chest is wired shut. I know what my mom is doing is very wrong, and besides that huge flaw, she is an excellent mother. There is no way i'm going to let my future children ever stay there alone. I dont want to hurt my mother at all, she's my mom and i repect her even though she doesnt respect me. I tried to see a counselor at my college, but it was just too hard, i never went back. my husband gets along great with my stepdad even though he knows the situation..I just feel so sad alot even though i have a husband, a house, a car and money. and i often feel like just leaving here..Somethings missing and it all goes back to my childhood. Its just so hard for me to do anything about it bc i dont want to hurt my mom.
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A
male
reader, Superdave67 +, writes (24 October 2007):
This is a delicate and very tough situation to be in. I'm no professional, but one step you could take is to ask your mom why she thinks this is the right way to go about this. My personal feelings are that if he behaved badly, which he did, then he rightfully should suffer the consequences of his actions. Knowing the real reason why your mother is protecting him and herself is a good starting point. I would definitely seek some counseling if you haven't already. social workers, therapists can be very helpful in helping your with your feelings and help you decide how to go about resolving this. Your life shouldn't have to suffer from someone else's irresponsible and shameful behavior.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 October 2007):
When it comes to sexual assault, molestation, rape, the last thing I'd worry about is someone's reputation. Let me ask you something, and I don't want to sound rude at all. What if that was your child. What would you do? Would you turn him over for prosecution? Would you separate from him and end all contact. (of course then he might do it to another) With you being married, if you have a child and it's a girl, what then?
I know it hurts, I feel so much for what you've been through. If I was your husband, I would have done knocked your stepfather on his sorry ass a long time ago. At this point as well I've lost all respect for your mom. She has no right to tell you to play the peachy thing when he did what he did to you. I'd be like 'you want me to what, do I have stupid written somewhere on my head I just haven't seen yet'
Here's why I asked the questions at the beginning. I want you to seek counseling. I also want you to do something that is going to be very difficult. You're mom is not being a good mom by what she's doing, I'm going to ask you to take over as being the mom of the younger and abused you. Please, hold your husbands hand, walk in the government building in your city, and speak to the District Attorney's office. He needs put away. Not just for your sake, but what if he starts babysitting some other child and does the same thing? Right now, your moms reputation does not matter, in order for you to heal you need to not have any contact with this sick bastard. I know that may be the hardest thing you'd ever have to do, but I highly recommend it because you're an adult now and it would be choosing to do the right thing.
I really do wish you luck, health and happiness in your marriage. What you've been through, no one should have to ever experience.
Also check in your area for a NLP specialist. It really does work when dealing with childhood trauma. You'd be amazed with what they can do. Take care.
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female
reader, Yuna~  +, writes (24 October 2007):
 I once heard someone said this: You can love you parents, love your husband, and love your kids. However, the one who will spend the rest of your life with is your husband. Your parents and kids are from another generation from you. I don't know if I can really help you since I've never been through what you've been. I think it takes alot of courage to confront it with your boyfriend and also your mother. I'm sorry to hear your mom didn't take any action after listening to you. Maybe your mom has her reason. Maybe she is financially and emotionally rely on your step father. Only she will know. But what you wrote, I'm sure she does love you and care about you.
You didn't say what problem it has caused you after you got married. My suggestion will be to look forward to your future. Live happily because you deserve it no matter what your past is like. If you have a loving husband, you'll have a wonderful life.
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