A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm very confused at this point. I am 22 and about to marry my boyfriend of 4 years in 4 months, and I feel nothing. I'm not overly excited and even though I love him with all my heart and feel he's my soul mate, I feel like we've lost our spark. I was excited to plan a simple wedding and to start our lives together and then both our parents took the reins and ran with what they said our "big day" should be....But this is another issue entirely. I feel very neglected in the relationship. I work 2 jobs; have a college degree, cook, clean etc. I always work to build him up and give him back massages frequently and have always attempted to give him everything he wants. We communicate well, but it’s like nothing sinks in to take effect. My biggest upset is that we only have sex about once a week to 3x a month. He's 25 and healthy, and I don't note any physical or medical reasons his libido is so low. I've offered and tried to incorporate many new ideas to help and shake up our intimacy, however nothing works and I’ve even given him a couple 3 ways. He says he loves me all the time and is very verbal of his love and affection; however he never expresses anything physically. I even compliment and drop hints of how much I adore his physical affection. It’s getting to the point that I’m feeling a disconnect from him and my self-esteem is plummeting. I just don’t understand what I did wrong, and what I can do to get him to be more physical. Could he be getting his excitement elsewhere?
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his ex, libido, soulmate, spark, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (8 December 2010):
Thank you for the follow up, OP!
I can understand how overpowering family members can be. I have a couple of those in my family as well. I guess I just hope your wedding doesn´t turn out too bad.
As for World of Warcraft, I am an RPG nut (nope, not the Rocket Propelled Grenade, haha) and that game is definitely addicting. It's the reason I quit playing it.
You should definitely tell him how you feel. Just say that you're fine with him playing it once in a while, just not every single night. Because then you two might as well not live together at all, if you're not going to spend time together. Maybe offer to go out to do something else, if you're not too tired. If you do fun things, he won't feel the urge to crawl back behind the computer so often.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for your feedback, it is much appreciated. I’m going to try and bring up a conversation tonight so we can both put our feelings up front and out in the open.
As far as the wedding it’s a 3 ring circus and a-lot of ways it’s like one of the responder’s friends. I have some touches into the planning, however most of my ideas are shot down by snide remarks from his mother. I just graduated college in May with a Bachelors Degree in Science in Health and Exercise Physiology. I still haven’t found a career, and the economy isn’t really looking too promising, so I’m not rolling in money. I’m working 2 jobs and making it through. The mother’s ideas as well as my older sisters idea is that my financial position makes it their right to make my wedding planning decisions (even though I haven’t ever asked anyone for help with this before.) So far I have only picked out the colors (which were somewhat dictated) and the catering and food, I found a really good and affordable Caterer. Originally I was going to do the catering; I like to cook, I’m good at it and I saw it as a way to cut cost, but this was voted down. I’ve tried to stop the madness and even put the whole mess on hold for a week to try and sort things out, however whenever I voice my opinion I get a temper tantrum of guilt trip from one of the mothers. People keep telling me that it’s our day and to stand up for want I want, but it’s impossible, if I do or say anything one of the “momzilla’s” see’s it as me being ungrateful. I appreciate all their ambition however it’s not going to be the day my fiancé and I had envisioned, but I guess we all can’t have everything.
For Jmtmj response questions; we have both been in semi-long term relationships before, yet we’re both fairly young. He says his affection and feelings more than me and is cuddlier than me (I see our cuddling like laying like a dead log in front of the tv in a static position, which is nice some days, however all the time it becomes redundant). I like to talk a lot and physically express my feelings, up until recently we’ve made it work though. He plays a online video game called “World of Warcraft” and that is his life now. He comes home from work gets on the game until bed. I’m a personal trainer day time and night, and a waitress mainly 5pm to 11pm and work about 50 hours during the week, he works full time at a factory job on day shift 40hrs a week. So when we do have the same time together I want it to be spent together, not just watching him play a video game.
Again I thank you all for your time and feedback! And wish you all Happy Holodays!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): It sounds as if you both have got stuck in a groove, and life in just slowly rolling towards an inevitable marriage. Your parents have taken over your plans so you can't stop and pause. I knew a girl who was in this position, she only got married for her parents sake as everything was ordered, booked and paid for etc and she felt trapped. She left her husband two weeks after the wedding. Stop and think. Do you want to be married? Shouldn't you be entirely happy together before you sign on the dotted line?
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (8 December 2010):
I think you should just talk to him. You've given enough hints already and they're not working. Also it sounds like you've pretty much become his servant, always trying to please him.
Call it a cliché, but a lot of men like the excitement of having to put in some effort to get what they want. With you, his efforts are pretty much zero because you do everything perfectly already. This may be where part of the problem lies. He's become lazy in the relationship, his sex drive along with it.
He's taking your efforts for granted instead of acknowledging them. So make him acknowledge them. Stop massaging him, stop doing those things he's come to expect from you. When he makes a comment about it, tell him that there's one of those dreaded "we need to talk" conversations coming up, BUT that if he listens it should be the last.
And then pour out what's bothering you. Tell him that you feel you two are stuck in a rut and though you appreciate how he says he loves you, you would like to see it supported physically as well. You're a physical person and right now you feel deprived of that. Pour it all out. Also, ask him what he likes and what his preferences are, so you two can work something out that makes you both happy. Oh and one tip, don't make it a lecture that only blames him. People don't react well to that.
And ask him about what he thinks about how the marriage is handled. If he is as unhappy about it as you seem to be, go to your parents and discuss what YOU would like, as it is YOUR wedding. Don't let yourselves get trampled by them.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (8 December 2010):
 "He says he loves me all the time and is very verbal of his love and affection; however he never expresses anything physically."
If you both communicate, value and display affection differently, no wonder you're feeling neglected...
How does he respond when you show him affection verbally or in writing? Any different from when you're showing him physical affection and being all cuddly??
Also, have either of you been in a serious relationship before meeting each other?
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