A
male
age
36-40,
*ovember_rain
writes:Hello! First time poster here! This is about, well, two problems really. I’m posting here to get it off my chest because this is never the sort of thing I’d talk about – or at least not all of it – with people I know.OK, first I’ll give you some background information. I can’t give any names but here goes... I’m nearly 24 years old and I live at home with my parents – houses and stuff are too expensive! I’ve got a fairly decent job, and can usually buy most stuff I want because of no big financial commitments, a position lots of people my age are in. For various reasons, I’ve got to this grand old age without having ever had a girlfriend. Not only that, but without ever having had sex! In the UK, I don’t know about anywhere else, it seems to have become part of our culture to lose your virginity as soon as possible. I even know one “devout Catholic” who has pre-marital sex on a regular basis! When I was younger I was never very popular with the ladies due to a lack of confidence even talking to them once I hit about 12 or 13. When I look back it annoys me but thankfully I’ve become a lot more confident since then and can talk to just about anyone with no trouble. I’ve got lots of friends, but I would never mention any of this to them, even if I have an idea that they might have guessed because I have far too much pride to admit something like that.I am now OK talking to girls, and I can flirt with the best of them but that’s just about as far as it ever gets. I suppose really I don’t know how to “make the first move” but sometimes I do get somewhere, but as you can imagine that isn’t very far! There have been quite a lot of girls that I’ve been interested in over, say, the last 3-4 years, but for whatever reason either they haven’t been interested back or if they have, I’ve been half oblivious and half too shy to do anything about it. That’s the first thing, and here’s where it starts to get a little bit tricky.There’s a girl I used to work with. She’s one of my good friends and since she left my place of work about a year ago we’ve kept in touch. A few of us would often go on nights out together and they have mostly been good. She is a few years younger than me and also lives with her parents. I’m talking about a girl here who is very, very attractive and beautiful but she’s not one of those spoilt “daddy’s girl” types. She is without a doubt one of the nicest girls I’ve ever met. I’ve known her for about three years or so, and during that time she has had two serious boyfriends.The first one, nobody liked. From what I have gathered about him, she lost a few friends while she was with him. Everyone always said what a ****** he was, and I have to say that I agree. I didn’t meet him face to face, but he used to phone her and check up on her, follow her in the car and stupid things like that. He was basically jealous and possessive.When she split up with him, she became a lot more sociable and started coming out more – staff nights out or nights out a few of us organised. Obviously lads were (and still are) always looking at her, getting her number, myspace, facebook, everything. She’s ended up texting a few of them and going out with them during the time she was single, but generally during this time we had a good few nights out. It was generally just a few of us but it’s better that way – less people to keep track of!Fast-forward to early this year, and she announces she’s got a boyfriend. I can’t pretend I wasn’t slightly gutted because I’ve always found her attractive – who wouldn’t? Everything became a bit quiet then, but we went to the pub a few times, or the occasional night out where he came along. OK, on first impression he seems OK; you can have a laugh, and he seems generally alright but he doesn’t know when to shut up.I’ve started to notice over the last few months that he’s actually a little shit. He’s a complete nob-head with her and it really annoys me. He is one of these skinny emo types, which is probably what attracted her to him in the first place. He is full of bull shit and it is obvious.He often insults her in some way, like saying her cooking is crap when she’s made him something, or complains because she didn’t buy him the right present, and even when she bought him a drink he didn’t like. He is just an ungrateful b*****d and she knows it. Often when he does this she goes quiet for a minute and looks really upset, but then he manages to get round her, mainly because she lets him. That annoys me because if I ever upset someone I kind of know that’s it! LOL!Apart from that, he seems to be constantly leeching off her, borrowing money and even clothes (absolutely mad). They were having an argument recently because he hadn’t paid back quite a large amount of money she had lent him. I couldn’t believe this was happening but I kept it to myself – they still barely know each other, and he’s got her lending him money! I’m not tempting fate, but if they split up that could be the last she sees of that money! She does seem to be too trusting in people sometimes, because she wants to see the best in them.Also, she seems to have taken up smoking since meeting him. He criticises her for this, which is fair play, but it’s because she seems to almost look up to him and wants to smoke for her image. She’s not really like the person she wants to appear to be, and I’ve known her long enough to know this.I’ve even known him go off in a sulk because she spoke to someone of the opposite sex. When we’re out, it seems to be me, and not him, that’s looking out for her. He just says, “she’ll find us” even when he’s decided to move elsewhere in a big bar. I don’t believe that is the way to treat any girl, especially your girlfriend. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, and that’s how things are now, but I think I’m right.So, what the hell does she see in him? He is really skinny and I wouldn’t have thought he was every girl’s dream. He has slightly bad breath, is not very nice to her and she knows this, and by his own admission (although not in so many words), is hung like a chipmunk. So I don’t know why she’s with him. She calls him a nobhead and an arse herself when she’s annoyed with him, which seems to be fairly often.The other day I realised how much I like her, and I know that if she was my girlfriend, I’d me much better for her than he ever could. I also know that they are both much more experienced than I am, but he has told me she has slept with more people than he has. Either way it’s one more than me. The problem is, IF, and bear in mind this is a big IF, I was to get with her, I’d feel like in some ways I was a downgrade in the bedroom department due to my lack of experience. She doesn’t know I’ve got no experience; she might have an idea but even if she does, how would I even go about telling her something like that?So just to recap, I like this girl a lot. I know she can do better than the guy she’s with now. I also know not to try and split them up and get together with her straight away. I know that if they do split up, I won’t be someone she necessarily thinks about unless I make a move, which would be hard but I’d have to bite the bullet. I’d hate to lose her as a friend, and also with my lack of experience, am I just causing more problems for myself and for her?That aside, how would I get her to see sense if anything does happen? I don’t want her to go back to him again!Before I finish, I don’t want any of these replies like “leave her alone” or “find someone else” – this is as much about me trying to help a friend as it is anything else. This is driving me insane so any help would be greatly appreciated!Thanks!
View related questions:
confidence, facebook, flirt, jealous, money, myspace, shy, split up, talking to girls, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, 25sweetnsingle +, writes (24 May 2009):
i think that if this girl saw this rant she would go out with you in an instant, and if she didn't she is not worth it. You sound like a great guy and if she doesn't see that or appreciate that - i think you can do so much better for yourself. So much so that she will probably regret going out with you in the future!!!
A
male
reader, Crafter  +, writes (26 October 2008):
 I'll mail you some stuff, dude. No worries. There is nothing wrong with you that we can't fix. I know it, because I've fighting it too.It's been a busy day today, but I have not forgotten you.
...............................
A
male
reader, november_rain +, writes (26 October 2008):
november_rain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCrafter,
I hate to admit it, but you're right in a lot of ways. The only problem is, one day I see her and she's still going out with her boyfriend, and the next she's seeing someone else, so I don't see how I'd have had an opportunity to do anything.
But yes, I've always found it hard to tell girls how I feel about them and it's either been too late or I've got nowhere. When I think about it, the only reason I've even kissed a girl is because I've had the occasional girl actually come on to me and I've taken it from there. I have to know they are interested, but this in itself seems rare - or maybe I just can't tell?
I think maybe my problem is that I don't know how to approach the whole asking a girl out thing because I'm scared of being rejected or laughed at... which happened very early on in my life and stuck with me forever.
I've always been told never to ask a girl out or anything via text/IM/phone, and it's better face to face, but I don't have the confidence...
Hearing that said by someone else confirms to me that I have issues and need to deal with them... but how?
...............................
A
male
reader, Crafter +, writes (25 October 2008):
You, idiot!
How could you let her walk all over you?! Seriously, man!
Instead of holding it in you, why didn't you tell her? Spit it out!
And it's your fault. Putting her on pedestal, thinking she is unreachable and at the same time some morons get to be with her. Anyway...
Forget her. Obviously this girl has no respect for herself if she lets people like that close to her. She doesn't deserve you.
OK, here's the thing. You've got issues you need to deal with immediately. Not tomorrow, not next week - now.
The thing is I haven't slept for over 20 hours and reading your final comment kind of pissed me off a bit.
Tomorrow I'll be more concentrated and I'll tell you how you should start getting in touch with reality (cause you've lost it).
Don't worry about her right now. I can assure you that there are girls even far better out there. And I bet you've seen them, but you never really knew how to step up to them.
...............................
A
male
reader, november_rain +, writes (24 October 2008):
november_rain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI sound very dramatic when drunk - apologies for the rant! I'm a bit embarrassed by that! I've been in a bad mood all day, not to mention tired! I suppose there's nothing left for me to do now except try and get over her.
I think people just see me as some kind of harmless idiot, like a court jester or something. People are always telling me I'll find someone, but the truth is I'm just not thought of in that way by anyone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (24 October 2008):
Drunk rant much?
Everything will be ok in the morning.
x
...............................
A
male
reader, november_rain +, writes (24 October 2008):
november_rain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate.
Well, here I am, drunk, about 3 hours before I have to get up for work. About 6 hours ago I thought maybe I'd get somewhere... she actually split up with the guy she's with!
I should have known there was someone else already. Someone she's known for years, but hasn't seen in a while. Anyway she wants to get with him, he wants to get with her, and I found myself spending half the night trying hard not to cry.
Nobody seems to take me seriously enough - it's like I'm not there, and I feel like the only reason she asked me to go out was so I could escort her to her new boyfriend, and I feel sick.
She did say I was the funniest guy she knows (when introducing me to this guy and his mate), and later on she said she considered me as one of her best friends.
BUT about 5 minutes later she's saying he's the funniest guy she knows and it's obvious she really likes him. Also I find out they've already been out together like, just to the pub, but still.
I even had to stand there and listen to him saying how he's gonna take it as it comes, knowing that within the next few days he'll be at her place sh****ng her (not sure if I'm allowed to say stuff like that here).
She'll never notice me, and neither will anyone else. There's obviously something wrong with me so I might as well give up.
...............................
A
male
reader, november_rain +, writes (19 October 2008):
november_rain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers! You've all been very helpful and helped me to see things for what they are.JCLTB13, I guess a long question requires a long answer. I nearly apologised for the length of my question but it would have taken up more room! Hehe!Thanks for your advice and compliments and everything! :-)
...............................
A
male
reader, Crafter +, writes (19 October 2008):
I feel your pain, mate.From where I stand it seems your best bet is to wait. I'm not saying find another, but also be on the look out, ok?By what you've written you appear to be intelligent young man. Combine that with enough amount of confidence and you've got it made. And don't worry about the virgin part. Of course don't state it right away, but I promise that it will be easy to share once you get intimate with someone (hopefully that very same girl).Hell! I had sex when I was 19 and that's it. Once.I'm almost 24 myself and I can pretty much relate to what you're going through. Depression, sadness, desperation... I've been there and I still am every now and then. I think that you're a bit self-aware which could be a problem most of the times you meet someone new. Somehow that insecurity instantly reflects on the other person and you end up making them dislike you by giving off the wrong signals.And about that skinny bastard...I know you've read this billion time, but I'm still going to say it. Girls just don't like nice guys. Yeah, girls. 'Cause to me, women are girls that got over a relationship that made them go "Holy Mother of God!What was I thinking?!"So I think, in a way, you can be thankful that emo punk came along. In the end, the girl will come to her senses and start looking for a more suitable type of boys - boys like you. Still, I would like to remind you that there are plenty of women out there. I'm not saying to give up on this one, but keep an eye out. The worst part when you're been alone for so long is that you kind of get use to it and distance yourself from others. It's a huge struggle to get over that.Best of luck, buddy. I hope the emo goes into ceremonial suicide and you finally get what you deserve.
...............................
A
female
reader, JCLTB13 +, writes (19 October 2008):
Hi hun...What a rant aye?!..You sound like your really stressing yourself out over this girl, so she must be special..!First things first, sooner or later she'll come to her senses and ditch the little chipmunk.. but that will probably be in her own time, not influenced by what you and others think about him. I dont have a solution to your problem or a magic answer... but theres a few things you should do;Let her know you like her, now..! You dont have to come straight out with it or blurt it out at her.. just look into her eyes ocasionally and give her a little smile. Buy your self and drink when hers is getting low and take her one at the same time, just her, im not talking buy a round. One for you, one for her. Laugh at her jokes, cliché but touch her.. when you walk past or get up or say goodbye, put your hand on the lower part of her back.. not in some pervy way.. lol, but little things like this will make you stand out to her and make her feel comforted by you when shes feeling a bit shit from him taking the piss out of her..! You need to get a little bond with each other, that will help draw her away from him a bit, then IF or when they break up.. who will be there... YOU, and you'll already have a little connection..And as for the virgin thing... its not as big a deal as you think. And, to you, obviously it is a big deal and you obviously think to her it will be too.. but in a lot of ways its a plus..I know in my experiance, maybe at first I would have wanted boyfriends to have experiance.. but certainly once I started to feel strongly for them and things got more serious, I couldnt wish for anything more for me to have been the only girl they'd been with! Less for me to compare myself to and spend time being jealous about..(which every girl does...!)Everyone starts somewhere and the fact that your going to start with someone that will actually be special to you (hopefully) is brilliant...! Just because 'the lad's' might not openly praise you for waiting and not having a long list of meaningless sexual partners doesnt mean it wont mean the world to your special girl when you find her..! And you will, even if its not the girl in question, you'll find someone, and the right person will be over the moon she was your first..!Now.... dont stress yourself over this young lady, let her live her life and make her own mistakes, stick by her as a friend, for non-selfish reasons, not just because you fancy the pants off her, and if you and her have chemistry and its meant to be, then it will be..! Remember to show her you like her tho, or she may never realise and end up dumping chipmunk for another random boy. If she doesnt fancy you at the moment, it may well be because she's always looked at you as a friend, but once she knows your interested could look at you in a whole new light..! Or she may well have an interest in you already, but thinks you dont like her in that way!You only live once, so let her know you like her.. but dont let her know just how much ;-) You want her to feel she may have to chase you a little bit aswell..Sorry, Ive jus ranted on longer than you.. maybe none of this will help, but I do wish you all the luck! Would like to know how you get on..!Take Care,20-F! x x
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (19 October 2008):
Well you have to keep your distance until she sees the light and dumps this guy. She'll lose money and get hurt and then she'll get over it and be ok. When he makes comments to her on nights out, laugh at him and then say "you are an ungrateful tw*t aren't you?" but do it jokingly and you'll get away with it, and get brownie points for sticking up for her.
And then you just have to ask her out. That's it, no magic, just say that you'd really like to take her out, you and her, and show her how you think she should be treated - ie, not like a cash point / emotional punch bag.
You will be fine in bed, and you will learn what she likes pretty quickly so that will be fine. Plus the fact, unless you are smaller than chipmunk sized, you'll probably not be worse than that guy.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
|
