A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi my question is about trust.If you get cheated on, is that it, has your trust gone forever. Are all future relationships reduced to phone and email checking. What of the cheater do they retain their ability to trust? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (11 June 2008):
 Do you mean will you ever trust that person again or trust a new partner?
I think a part of you may always have a slight distrust but it may not surface until you have cause if its a new partner and if enough time lapses without any problems you may find you regain trust fully in time.
If its the same partner then I think its harder as you may be constantly suspicious if they change routine, come home late, make lots of phone calls etc etc. Again time can be a great healer but you have to make the decision either way to trust someone no matter how hard it is and I think everyone handles these things differently.
I have a friend who has been cheated on by every single man she has had a relationship with. At first I thought it was bad luck, then as I got to know her better I realised that after the first cheater she became so paranoid that every new man was subject to such a stream of abuse if they were so much as a second late, she also checked their phones two or three times a day and accused them of looking at other women or talking too long to checkout operators etc etc etc, she's even asked friends to set them up to see if they bite. I honestly believe that she drove some of them to it, in other words if they were getting accused of it they might as well just do it. She's just got rid of the latest and doesnt trust a single guy she meets as she becomes convinced they will cheat and cant seem to retrain her thoughts in anyway and change.
I believe if you start checking once it will eat away at you until you find proof, so the answer is simple, dont check!!!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): Yes the pain associated with being cheated on automatically triggers a defence mechanism. Its your bodies way of saying 'don't get fooled again'. I don't think you can ever return to the person you were, not even with a fresh partner. As for the cheater, i would guess they don't have this problem because they haven't been cheated on, so the body has not responded in the same way.
Needless to say they have an whole different set of problems.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (11 June 2008):
 It comes down to two words: Neuro association.
Think of a relationship as being a bubble. Inside that bubble have have the person you're with. If someone cheats, that then becomes part of the bubble. Then the breakup, you send the cheater on their way, but the cheat remains in the bubble. So the new relationship begins, they enter the bubble with cheat already present.
What needs to happen is figure a way to remove the association and send cheating out of the bubble with the one who caused it's arrival.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): Not enough information for me to give you a realistic and fair answer, but THIS I can say to you, that a relationship without trust is not good.
When your trust in one person is destroyed it does not mean that you will less trust others, but there is often the situation that people who have been hurt and there trust destroyed, find it difficult to trust general....however, with help, and counselling, this can improve.
If there is one wrotten apple in the basket, all the apples are not wrotten!
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, misfitschik66  +, writes (11 June 2008):
 be understanding if you are an understanding person and truely love the person give them a chance if they ask for it
if they do it again then you have EVERY right to be upset and not trust that person
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