A
male
age
36-40,
*vildrspock
writes:I have in my past been strongly addicted, and satisfied somewhat, with porn browsing, gathering, viewing and masturbation. I enjoyed every aspect of it, and though I've struggled with it's influence on my relationships and tried countless times to quit, but while I've been single, have no moral or religious qualms about this practice.I am in a young, new relationship. I've known her for a long time (10 + years), across a long distance, and we've recently started a love relationship. We've been together for around 2 months so far, feelings are strong, but we have yet to see each other since we admitted feelings for one another, so there hasn't been much physical contact yet. There is much yet to do/happen between us, but that is good, because I can get certain things in my life in order and understand who I want to be in this relationship.I know from experience porn can drive a spike into a relationship, as it touches so many peoples values, insecurities, etc. I know I don't want to repeat the struggle, and have been thinking about/trying different things to see how it makes me feel.I know the first thing I have to do to approach this is to understand my feelings and my goals. I don't feel bad about porn or masturbating objectively, that's okay. But when we first got together, I went on a hiatus for 1 week straight, so naturally and easy, I was just wanting to return to a state of "innocence" almost, so we could rediscover things with each other when the time comes.And, just for clarity, no we haven't talked about sex or my relationship to porn yet, things are still pretty new here, it's more about me being okay with my lifestyle. (that talk will come when I see her next month)Then, I remembered I was a guy, and urges start to build ... nocturnal emissions/dreams were discouraging, and I realized I couldn't just quit cold turkey on it all, it was unkind to my body, to what it was used to. So, I went back to habits, struggling to accept what I was doing, but willing to live with the struggle until I better understood what I wanted to do about it.Then came a day I realized the obvious; the more time I spent thinking about, desiring, lusting and actively seeking out/searching for online images of other girls, the less space in my head I had for her. So, almost automatically from when I realized this, I quit cold turkey that day from porn. It's been ... hmm, 22 days since then, and I'm still good there. This is the first time in my life I've actually felt and believed that I have quit porn for real. I've struggled countless times, to the point I'd given up trying to quit, figured it didn't matter. But now, just like that, done. I guess love can inspire true change, and for that I'm glad.***So, the single challenge/question for me are my unresolved feelings surrounding masturbation. I guess in an ideal world, at least in my head, I could temporarily forget about sex and pleasure until I can experience it with the girl I love, so none of this comes between us. But ...I know I can quit browsing, viewing, and keeping porn on my computer, but I could never expect myself to quit masturbating. It's a true physical need for me, perhaps because of how much I've done it over the years, because it's a stress reliever, and just because I want it. If I don't masturbate, I eventually have emissions at night to dreams, and I honestly don't find that even physically comfortable or enjoyable.So I have accepted I will still masturbate, because otherwise I get uncomfortable at work/daily life, etc with erections from a penis used to a certain amount of attention. I've tried to come to view masturbation as keeping desires/urges low so I don't fantasize about others people as much. The problem is, I don't want to think about anyone other than the girl I love. But, when I masturbate, it is difficult to finish my business without imagining something I find sexually stimulating. So, I don't want to imagine other women.So, why don't I just fantasize about my new love? Well, we haven't gone there yet, and it seems highly disrespectful for me to imagine being with her when I haven't yet, so I steer clear of that.Thus, I feel a conflict with masturbation, and where my mind wants to go.What do you think? Am I holding myself to too high of a standard with this? Am I expecting too much out of myself? Do my thoughts and goals seem properly justified, or should I not feel guilty or wrong about fantasizing about other women? (it's not as though I haven't done it thousands of times before) Should I talk to her about my relationship to porn before we're sexually active?(On a side note, I expect, and want, our sexual intimacy to take lots of time to develop, and perhaps not even go too far until possible marriage ... clearly we have to talk about that, but not until in person when I see her next month).Thank you so much for reading this. It is difficult to make a question like this short and concise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): As I read your post... I felt my heartstrings pulling... as I thought about my husband and his journey. Also awkward, raised only with brothers (there were 5 boys) in a very rural and closed off environment, intelligent, uncomfortable with his own looks, and fearing rejection. And yes, he is a Sagittarius also...
His first exposure to porn was through his brother when he was 7. Porno flicks being shown in the back garage with a gang of guys drinking and laughing it up. His mother was bitter and withdrawn from a rebel rouser of a husband who was probably a serious handful. She was angry and did not have a friendship with her husband (my husband's father). They were distant and sort of just tolerated one another. Resentment big time.
Porn, a mother who rejected him, a rough neck father, porno brothers, and no tenderness and acceptance from females. Like you, he did not have girls as friends. Girls were the temptation behind the looking glass.... just out of reach. Girls were also lustful wolves in the porn flicks seen by the 7 year old boy. They were a mystery. But nowhere in this equation was there warmth, tenderness or true acceptance. So, his journey began. A lifelong struggle of sexual/emotional compartmentalization. Loneliness. Sexual loneliness and emotional loneliness. In his make believe world he was self assured and not scared. He was in control and there wasn't anyone on the other end of the porn who would laugh at him or refuse him.
But in real life he was rejected. He wound up marrying the first time when he was in his early twenties and picked someone who he had his first sexual experience with. For lack of a better word to describe her... she was a wolf/slut. Very down and dirty and... in their marriage exposed him to some pretty difficult situations sexually. This created an even bigger gap for him. Now, even married, he was still being denied true love and acceptance. It was rough and tumble genital sex. And they divorced.
Only for him to remarry yet another woman with issues. Issues with infidelity and boundaries. Issues with not being very generous as a woman... just like his first wife (and his mother). Never really doing anything nurturing or kind for him. Something happened in this marriage... he stopped having sex with her for months on end. Only to meet a hillbilly woman who was basically a slut and also married, he cheated on his wife and had his sexual fling with this woman... and wound up divorced again.
Moves to be with the hillbilly who he believed was 'simple', sexual and yes... like his mother and his two previous wives... not nurturing. Nothing. A drive by for sex and dirty talk. Nothing sweet. Nothing personal.
I met him when he moved hundreds of miles from his lover/girlfriend and started working at a company where I was employed. We connected immediately and I swallowed him up with passion and buried him in nurturing... because that is me. That is who I am... at least who I am with him...
I saw a smart man with a kind heart. I knew he was previously married, but did not learn of his true past until after he had cheated on me... following 12 years of marriage. He had always been Mr. Clean. I was horrified to discover his porn addiction... even more horrified and heartbroken to learn that he had brought porn to life in having an affair with the very same woman who broke up his first marriage.
My husband told me ... from the start... that he perceived me as being way out of his league... But I thought he was wonderful and perfect. At first we were like a chemical bomb... we added to each other... we were like fireworks in a gas station... We had chemistry. I wanted to do everything to please him... cooking meals for him and taking care of him. He was my lover and best friend....
Until we got married and then... his porn and personal conflict created between the two diametrically opposed concepts of women hit... they collided... I was the source of warmth and nurturing... AND the source of passion... BUT in his world these two things do not harmonize.
I had to be one or the other.
So I became the Madonna. No more sex for us. I was his mother. Beautiful and smart, sexual and loving... but he needed the Madonna more... But then there was the sexual side. The down and dirty. The parts that porn made. And, in time... he went back into his own little world where he was king... and the addiction consumed him. It was well hidden from me and when I found out I blew a gasket. I just about divorced him.
That's when the affair started... and the searching for women to live out the porn high. Later, following the discovery of the cheating... and the path of sexual depravity I fear he was heading down... his infatuation with any woman who would give him sexual attention... any attention.
And there I was at home... smart, sought after by men, a former model... all for him. There I sat ironing his shirts. Wondering where my lover went. And... heartbroken.
He was so screwed up it was a mind blower. His worlds collided when I confronted him and he was in bad shape. He was so distorted with women and how men are supposed to see women... that at his ripe age of 50... he was shot. He was lost. His distortions on sexuality and women were rising up from his past and creating such compartmentalization and isolation.
I stayed with him because I cared about what happened to him. I didn't stay to save a marriage, but to make sure that this man I had spent so many years with... would be okay. His compartmentalization fed into a full blown Madonna/Whore complex. I, Madonna, was his heart and home. The Whore was his sexuality. The vulgarities that came out of his mouth during this time were enough to turn my stomach.
I kicked his ass... literally. We are still together 3 years after the whole nuclear blast and he has healed. Healing from the past wounds... and while kicking his ass, and occasionally screaming at him so loudly that I lost my voice... there is a man who likes himself. I fought him throwing his life in the gutter and held his hand.
I learned what true love was. I was always very attractive and not in short supply of many males trying to date me when I was single. It was tempting to walk off into the sunset and to have my ego stroked but I knew that he needed a friend. And I was certainly that. His friend.
I suppose life hands us these big, vulnerable hearts and we can sometimes get lost in all of the toughness of the world. The superficial judgements, the fears, rejection... And then we are told that who we are... we shouldn't be.
Sort of like your mother and the Victoria Secret magazine... You were being you and it was innocent and really okay... but her issues with your father made her hyper vigilant. She probably didn't want you to go down that road... like her husband (your father did).
These legacies in families can be so cancerous. There are all of these wounded folks walking around with big signs on their chests saying "love me".
The thing is, that love is easy. It's all of the other stuff that's difficult. Sex is pretty fabulous but at the same time it can be the ultimate in letting go. People focus on performance, genitals, techniques, toys, threesomes... well, you name it. Pleasure.
But pleasure can't hold a candle to letting go. The feeling that you have found your warm blanket. Your match. Your friend. The one who watches your back and loves you for who you are... Because, while it is certain that what we do is a reflection of who we are inside... or what we have going on in our broken aspects of ourselves... we are much, much more. We are the wide open hearts wearing those big "love me' signs waiting for peace.
Your therapist may have been trying to help you... however he didn't. It is amazing how screwed up some of these professionals are in their own lives. If you knew it would blow your mind.
So, while he had training... he was still a flawed human being... trying to help another flawed human being. The blind leading the blind.
The peace you feel when you are with yourself is something called acceptance. Alone, there is no one to judge you. You can be you.
I want you to know that love and acceptance... while rare in this world... do exist. Having your own sex life with yourself... the right to your own body... can be a way that some people choose to live. But the truth is that they live this way because they cannot find the road to true fulfillment.
It does exist. My husband is thriving and we are becoming happy again. I did not throw him away. I gave him a chance to learn and to grow a heart and to heal the broken parts of him. Yes, being cheated on hurt as much as the porn did.
When a woman gives her heart to a man.. she wants to know that she is the apple of his eye. The skip in his step. She wants to know that the thought of her is like the perfume of the flowers floating on his breeze. She wants to know that he loves her too.
Pornography is basically living out a sexual idea/fantasy of sex with someone else. For some it may be simply the sex act. However, for my husband it was a world of acceptance.... ironically found in a cold cruel world of porn... where there are no feelings or acceptance. A world where people are destroyed and thrown away like rags. The cannibals of human existence... feeding on the broken people...
I want you to know that your heartfelt words opened my heart to share with you my journey. I had to grow a real woman's heart to love a broken man... hold his hand... and eventually learn to help and love the broken and whole parts of him. Women like me do exist... but because girls like us are so genuine... we need a genuine guy.
Give yourself and the woman in your life the chance to know what it is like to be the real deal. The rewards you will reap will be immeasurable.
A
male
reader, evildrspock +, writes (9 November 2010):
evildrspock is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thankyou for a thoughtful and detailed response!. At first, your question seemed shortsighted, but I sensed an sincerity behind what you were saying, & wanted to make the most of everyone’s opinions here ... you had an excellent response!
Yes, actually, I know many of the reasons I turned to porn and masturbation. Trust me, with all the problems this has caused me, I have thought long and hard about it’s origins. Though, there’s always room for more revelation ...
Well, to begin, I discovered masturbation trying to put 2 and 2 together with what I inferred about what goes on between a guy and a girl, without ever being told ... I remember that first time was more scary than anything else. I was maybe 10, 11? I was shaking, breathing hard, scared, thought maybe something bad happened, just the effect it had on my body. Certainly, something I’d try again, and learn I liked.
And then porn. Well, this was interesting, because I discovered things as I grew older, and through talking with a counselor, understood more. To explain as simply as possible, my father looked at/ maybe still looks at porn. In any case, this was a severe thorn in my parent’s marriage, and effected strongly how my mother reacted to certain things in my childhood growing up.
Like, my mom would get these Victoria’s Secret magazines in the mail. One day, probably around 11 or 12, I found one on the kitchen table with the mail, when I got home from school. Oh, what’s that? I was really fascinated at the girls in there for all sorts of reasons. For one, I had no sisters, only brothers, meaning I hadn’t grown up interacting with women outside of my mom much at all. Second, I was at a ripe age for developing interest in girls ...
While I was paging through it looking at it, my mom walked by and said, “Don’t look at that,” and took it away, and walked into the other room. I heard her open a drawer in the kitchen with coupons and put it in there. A little while later, I found she’d tried to hide it/stuff it down lower in the drawer. So I took it upstairs and oogled for a while, and put it back.
I wonder now, if her reaction had been different, how different mine would have been. If she didn’t care so much, would I have looked, lost interest and done something else? When I mentioned it to my friends much later, they thought it was weird she hid them - they could care less about seeing them.
In any case, I understand now that her behavior, though perhaps noble in her intent in wanting to “protect me,” lured me into wanting something that she told me was forbidden, a weird game of cat and mouse. She said, “Hide this, keep it a secret.” That, of course, also made it that much more desirable to have. I thus loved looking at the magazines, and were the first porn of my life. That slowly evolved to images from online, and then any form of modern porn.
In any case, I know that was the progenitor. That, and I was always very shy around girls in general, for among other reasons, having only brothers, & no close female peers growing up. Thus, it took a long time before I made friends with girls. Since then, I have grown past that, and have had many fulfilling friendships (note, FRIEND-ships) with women, especially after college.
When I mentioned a sexual relationship with myself, I guess I was thinking about what my counselor had said to me a few years ago, during a previous relationship. I was talking about masturbation and porn, and how my girlfriend was hurt, because I had felt it important to tell her afterwards if I’d digressed, as I’d previously told her I’d stop, and didn’t want to cheat on her.
He told me he didn’t think it was wrong to have a personal sex life, and that everyone has a right to that. I had never thought of that up to that point. Perhaps my wording was a little ... screwy? (excuse the pun) In any case, it may not have been the best choice of words. Hmm. I guess ... like, familiarity with myself? Or at least, that masturbation is ok, and not inherently had, & that it’s up to me what I do with my body on my own time.
When I was in my previous relationship, that could explain why I was unable to get away from porn. Due to all of our issues/mess (very messy, but details a digression here), I was very depressed. Frightened, lonely, mistrusting ...
It is true that you get a chemical high from endorphins with sex. I’m sure that contributes to any addiction one has had with it ....
I know I was extremely self conscious growing up, and still have been, about talking about feelings for girls. I was so terribly afraid of rejection that I didn’t even want to try, like I was embarrassed of the feelings, like I shouldn’t have them. Take note here that I am a romantic, Sagittarius (if you buy into horoscopes at all), and idealize my thoughts of love. When I fell in love with a girl, it didn’t stem from looks ... it stemmed from who they were, from a very chaste place. I refused to consider looks as a dominant reason for considering someone ... (though I admit I wouldn’t pursue someone I thought was unattractive)
That all probably came from being taught from a young age to hide attractions to the female body, to be ashamed of it, that I shouldn’t be attracted. Thus, I was deeply conflicted with my natural attraction to girls, and obsessed over it, turning to masturbation and porn to indulge in something I was told I shouldn’t like, that I should hide.
Now, I know that wasn’t my mother’s intent; indeed, she wanted me to like girls and be happy. (I have a very good relationship with my mother, we’re really close) One of my friends even mentioned a rumor of my mom wondering if I was gay, because I hadn’t dated any girls yet (some point in high school).
Thus, it does seem natural that I turned to myself to satisfy desires, to porn, to anonymity on the internet, to the safety of only me, behind closed doors. Why share this with anyone else? I’m not supposed to feel this way, anyways.
Most of this, I’d already realized. Although, from now, where I stand, and bouncing it off of your words, it does make more sense now, it does click more than it did before.
I think I understand why most people don’t slay this dragon, it is extremely difficult. To understand the reasons, let alone face them and implement changes in one’s life ... it is much easier to simply live as one has. I’m not saying the beast is dead, yet, though I think he’s dying, he’s seeing I’m not afraid anymore, & he knows he has far less power over me than he once had.
I know that sex is/can be an amazing, fulfilling expression of love between 2 individuals. This is what I want it to be to me in my life.
So, now after understanding the cause, the root of my behaviors, what to do about it? That is something worth meditation.
Once again, thank you! Your true sincerity and concern means a lot to me here ... I believe that this can lead to a higher experience of life for me, and I thank you for asking the right questions.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): Female anon here and I'm back to shed light onto some of your questions concerning my comment.
I would first like to emphasize how much I respect the wisdom you are applying to your life. You are someone who has made an investment in himself in a real and meaningful way. For that I commend you.
If I were involved with a man and he told me that he was a previous porn addict who jerked off several times a day... I would leave in a New York minute and not look back. Why? Because it sounds weird. It doesn't resonate as a healthy, well balanced, stable, sexually confident male... and let's face it... women like sexually confident men. That doesn't mean ... at least as far as I am concerned.. sexual experience, techniques, or prowess. More that he is comfortable in his own skin, knows who his is, and is masculine. An understanding of women, himself, and he's in control of himself.
I personally view men who are porn users and those that run to strip clubs and hookers as weak.... not masculine. They are out of control.
The jerking off and porn is a guy that wants a sex life with himself, sees sex as his genitals, and is not something that I see as a masculine trait. Not a manly trait. I would associate it with a 13 year old boy and would have concerns over his head being screwed on straight and his maturity level.
Having said that, there's a reason why you fell into this trap. There are always reasons. Those reasons can bubble up in time, when under pressure, and in long term relationships. My recommendation is that if you are going to slay the dragon then go ahead and do it. Find out why that dragon was there in your life and took such a hold on you. Any time we have something like that in our lives... it presents a ticking time bomb... unless we peel back the layers of the onion and get down to the why's.
What have you uncovered or come to understand about your reasons for having gone down this road to begin with? Why did you seek out sexual fantasy with an unreal image? Why was it important to have a sexual relationship (to that extent) with yourself? How can your sex life with yourself lead to a revelation concerning an intimate sexual relationship with someone else? (You have indicated that masturbation is believed by you to be a way of learning how your lover can please you) How can you knowing how to please yourself lead to ways that your lover can please you?
Now, I'm certainly not saying that masturbation is sick, abnormal, or troublesome. What I am getting at is that the reasons and/or the degree is troublesome. Seeing oneself as their own lover... that sort of feels sad to me. It feels lonely and frightened... of getting close to someone. Of handing yourself over to them. Of trusting them. Of letting them care for you. Of giving up control.
It can be truly wonderful to give up control and immerse yourself with someone else as your one and only and to give all of your sexual energy to her. She becomes the happy recipient of all you have to give... the apple of your eye... speaking as a woman... this can be one of the most fulfilling and exciting experiences of a lifetime. When I have had this... I have felt more for the man in my life than I ever thought possible.
So, yes... Giving yourself to her could reap more extraordinary experiences than you can imagine. By compartmentalizing your sexuality you hold some back. Is it fear of rejection? Is it that you fear giving up control over your own life? What, if anything, are you afraid of? Sex with yourself is okay if you are on a dessert island, your lover isn't interested, etc... However by holding back some of you just for yourself... you aren't 100% invested. I wonder whether taking a leap of faith and giving that a chance might be worth finding out... for yourself... whether you may find something even more wonderful...
So yeah. Abstain. Peel back the onion. Learn about what really makes you tick. Some men fall into the trap of jerking off and porn because they feel rejected on some level. Very young guys... well that is a different story... they have raging hormones and no outlet. A different situation from a young man who is an adult and should have control over himself and his hormones. Having sex with themselves becomes quick, genital stimulation for the purpose of a fast release. But think about this... how does this make you a better man or lover? In fact, you have trained your body to do this... hence perhaps why you have nocturnal emissions. You are used to the crystal meth of sex.
Training the body and the mind takes a time commitment and diligence from deep inside of you. You got into the whole porn and masturbating thing after dedicating much time to conditioning your body to work that way. Now, to retrain it... it will take as much time and conditioning. You can't expect yourself to undo neural pathways and body conditioning overnight... So, you would experience some resistance to a sudden change. That is totally normal.
I think it is normal for men to want women... to want to make love with them and to love looking at them. There is nothing more wonderful to the woman who loves a man than for him to want these things with her. Its about redirecting your focus.
If your issues with porn addiction and other things has a root in an otherwise unexplored difficulty within your past, this must be resolved... because it was the root cause for all of this.
I want you to know that your words (in my view) come from a man who is finally finding out what it really means to be a true man. Continue down this path and I bet you'll find out how much you have missed out on.... now you can grab onto that brass ring... and live with fulfillment.
Good for you. I hope that your journey continues. I applaud you.
...............................
A
male
reader, evildrspock +, writes (8 November 2010):
evildrspock is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, I happily say, still porn free. 23 days? Yes.
Female anonymous, if you’re following up on this question, I don’t fully understand the meaning of what you’re saying, you’re unclear.
Are you saying that I’d be a ticking time bomb for going back to porn when I “break” and go back to old habits?
What “damage” is it you’re talking about that needs to be addressed? Would you run for the hills if you knew of the past porn addiction, or the masturbation? My questions here are for me to better understand you, btw, not because I am refuting your opinions. What distortion do you feel porn has created?
For me, masturbation is a means of keeping my sex drive/thoughts under control, and just keeping the physical sensitivity I have down. I can be fine for a week or so if I obstain completely, but I think one thought or see someone that turns me on, I can start fantasizing and get turned on ... brings it to mind, I guess.
I guess maybe your answer assumes a correct answer for my life which I haven’t yet come upon. Are you saying it’s better for me to abstain from masturbation all together? I have considered it, and perhaps with physical conditioning and “weaning” myself from the habit, it is possible.
It really hasn’t been important to me to masturbate for my own pleasure anymore; it’s more like I realize my body needs a release every once in a while, say, 2 or 3 times a week. To me, that doesn’t sound or feel like the need for a “fix,” and I don’t think I’m being small or weak for doing that. Now, mindlessly watching porn and masturbating daily, or multiple times a day, that would be small and weak of me. But, with my new revelations, I have stopped, and I understand that no porn, is no porn, ever. It's kind of like a switch got switched in my head, it clicks and I understand. This is coming from someone who’s been down the road of self deception of “I’m quitting, starting now, after every time I digress to old habits ...” I’ve been there.
Personally, I’m following my heart here to be as strong as I can and to act with all the wisdom I can see. I’ve been constantly pushing my conventions and habits, here, making change to something I never thought was even possible. That all being said, I appreciate everyone’s varied viewpoints, because it pushes my perception as well.
The frequency is far less when I pursued masturbation to satisfy an unsatiable hunger for pleasure, which is no longer important to me, or the reason I masturbate. ... I want sex to be a means of connecting with my lover, the times I’ve experienced that before are by far the most fulfilling sexual experiences I had, the intimacy between two people. It was just at that time I also enjoyed other expressions of my own personal sexuality, which perhaps suggests a rigorous sexual relationship with myself.
And I understand exactly what I enjoyed about porn when I integrated that into my personal sex life. I also understand that part is over and done with me, the porn part ... so the question stands, will my masturbation get in the way of being in a mutually giving and connecting intimate relationship? I think not ... if anything, masturbating helps an individual understand what they like so they can better communicate it to their partner, and in women, can even help them better achieve orgasm (as many women apparently have trouble achieving).
I am seriously considering experimenting with abstaining from masturbation for a while, to see what it does. Say, give it a week or two and see what happens ... though, after a week and a half when I tried it before, I had two nocturnal emissions in a row ... that would be embarrassing if say in the presence of my girlfriend ... I figured I needed a different route.
I am interested in the clarifications I requested from you, female anon.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): Your decision to become more of a man is commendable. However, it seems you may have become addicted... and in light of that... you may require professional help pulling yourself out of it.
Otherwise, you may be a ticking time bomb. If you truly love her, you will act in a responsible way. One that assures you will not be subjecting her to the possibility that the time bomb will go off in her world at some time in the future.
To make change... you have made the first step. You must now address the undoing of the damage.
I would run for the hills if I knew about this behavior. There is nothing wrong with most things... in balance and if they are a healthy expression. However the porn has created a distortion.... and this is perhaps what needs to be addressed in a truly meaningful way.
If masturbation and fantasy have become a 'fix' then abstain. See if you have the willpower to say no. When faced with a feeling that you can't stand up to this addiction... make a choice. Are you willing to be smaller and weaker or stronger and wiser. Giving into it as a fix is the equivalent of agreeing that it is more powerful than you .... And, you can clearly see where that will take you.
...............................
A
male
reader, evildrspock +, writes (6 November 2010):
evildrspock is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmm, thank you for your feedback here. I have had that perspective for a long time, I know there is nothing inherently wrong with masturbation, I guess I was just worried about the fantasy element. Not that I was cheating on her, just I don't want others to occupy my mind. And, the catcher here, I don't want to fantasize about my girlfriend yet, because her and I haven't done anything yet, and it just seems disrespectful for me to jump the gun like that. I know in my heart that fantasies of others means nothing; a fantasy is different from reality.It's just that the fantasy during the act often makes me want to reminisce on what I've seen in porn, or just feels like porn being played in my head, rather than on a screen, and then I wonder if I've really made any progress.I know that simple imagined fantasy from memories is better than actively seeking out new porn and experiences to view and interact with, because there is a difference between fresh, new experience and what's already in my head, it's a different brain process. Along with this, I've found it easier to ignore other girls I may meet in passing, while at work. Working a retail job, I see a lot of girls, of varying age and attractiveness, and I can see them now without "checking them out" so much now because I know I'm not actively seeking out beautiful girls to think about them anymore. Basically, the same way I wouldn't search online for girls the same way.The funny thing is, I've found working from my memory/ imagination to be more physically fulfilling than viewing porn. With porn, I often feel overly turned on and excited, only for a lackluster orgasm, while with memory, while it may take longer to get there, more work, the feeling is more enjoyable and relaxing, more whole body.... Still not sure if I'll talk to her about my experiences with porn or not. I know I'd be excited to tell her I've quit because of her, but I really don't want to bring it up if it would cause other questions, like what I look at porn for, if I masturbated/still do, etc, before we go there in our relationship. So I may just hold off and be happy for myself, for my decision, because I will feel that much more committed to her in any case because of my decisions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010): Look you've had problems with porn, so just stay away from it and for the time being don't bring it up with your partner.
If you stay away from it, it will never be an issue so just do that. No need to discuss something that won't be a problem.
As far as masturbation goes there is absolutely nothing wrong with fantasizing about other girls about 60% of my wank fantasies are about girls other than my girlfriend. It's normal and they're private fantasies so they never need to be discussed either. Look most of us guys fantasize that way, I personally might have one about a girl I saw in a shop or a girl I know from college. It's just harmless fantasy and it's not something I'd ever consider doing in real life, I have absolutely no feelings for any of these girls at all, but I'll create a five minute fantasy about them to get off quickly and then I don't think about them at all after that. I have a very healthy and extremely satisfying sex life with my girlfriend and she's more important to me than any other girl.
I don't feel guilty about fantasizing about other girls for 5 minutes because it means nothing, she'll never know unless I tell her and I would never even think of getting with anyone else, so where's the harm?
My girl is very intelligent and secure though, she knows that's how it works for guys and she's okay with that. She's never had a problem with me using porn either, she actually prefers it to be honest because while she doesn't mind me having brief fantasies in order to finish my wank quickly she does prefer that it's some nameless pron start that I'll never meet. Not out of trust but more out of comfort. She knows we guys are wired to seek variety, that is our natural. There is nothing to feel guilty about and there's no need to make it an issue in a relationship.
Don't feel about it, it's the way you are masturbation is essential for maintaining a fresh supply of healthy sperm, if we don't release old sperm ourselves then our bodies will do it at night as you have experienced. We need to masturbate to keep ourselves healthy, release sexual tension and it can be great if you're finding it hard to sleep because we're naturally predisposed to sleep after we ejaculate.
Stay away from porn, you know the issues it can create, don't feel guilty that you don't only think of your girlfriend when masturbating. It's normal, natural and healthy.
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (6 November 2010):
 At last! A fresh perspective! I salute you for your success with dealing so well with your past addiction. Yes it is extrememly difficult at times but understand that masturbation does not go hand in hand with pornography, you can fantasize about anyone until you and your girlfriend come into contact. There is nothing wrong with that, it is healthy! That does not mean you love your girlfriend any less, it simply is a desire for that feeling. Fantasize all you want, enjoy it. When the time comes for you to make love to your girlfriend, do so knowing that in the future of this relationship, that past addiction shall have no power over you.
I hope that helps.
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