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female
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anonymous
writes: I am getting married next year to a man who I am very much in love with and we have been together for six years. About three and half years ago I got very, very drunk, so much so that I went home with a guy and woke up the next day to discover we had slept together although I have no recollection of this. I didn't tell my then boyfriend, we weren't engaged at the time, but I am having pangs of guilt about my past. I would never be unfaithful again but it eats me up and I can't get it out of my head. I am so looking forward to my wedding and love my fiance more than anything but can't seem to put this behind me. I know I would only hurt my fiance by telling him this three and a half years down the line and risk him breaking up with me but I feel so guilty and feel like he is marrying me under false pretences. Any advice welcome.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2006): Hi there...
Last night I wound up in the same position that you found yourself in years ago. I don't remember much of anything that happened and I am actually upset with the guy that I woke up with for taking advantage of me when he knew I had a serious long-term boyfriend and that I was drunker than all get out. The mistake however was my own and I cannot play the blame game. The guilt is almost unbearable but I'm not willing to loose a wonderful relationship over one meaningless mistake.
I will be sorry for the rest of my life but I will never tell my boyfriend and I don't think you should tell your fiance either. The only thing that you will do by telling him is hurt him. If you really love him you will swallow up that guilt and you will move on. Forget about it. Pretend like it never happened. If you have talked about this with your girlfriends and they still bring it up I would let them know that you plan to never think or talk about this again.
I know this seems dishonest and that's no way to start a marriage, but seriously, if it was one time. And you're sorry. And you want to make a life with this man. Don't tell him!
Good luck, to the both of us.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2006): Of course telling the person you cheated is very likely to end the relationship. That's because you did something that is most likely something that will change your relationship forever. In other words, you've done something you will never be able to change.
But the alternative; to not say anything, knowing it's the only way to keep the relationship? How sad indeed. You will be living a lie, your partner will always think you are something you not. How someone could prefer that over the truth goes to say a lot about their character.
If you cheated, completely drunk and unconscious or not, you have most likely killed your relationship. Hiding the truth is just, ultimately going to do you more harm than good.
Learn from it. In future, make sure it never happens again so you can have an honest relationship from the start.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2006): I was in the same boat as you last year where I cheated on my bf of 7 years. I woke up next to a guy with no recollection of what happened. I told my bf right away and we broke up a few weeks after that. It's been over a year now and I still get sad thinking about the pain I have caused him. So my advice would be to not tell him and just live with your own guilt and learn from the past.
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A
female
reader, loveshoe +, writes (24 November 2006):
Having been the person cheated on, I personally would have rather never known. My boyfriend did the same kind of thing earlier this year, and he told me right away... but even though I've forgiven him, I still think about it a lot and it's still causing problems in our relationship.
One way that might help you get over your guilt is to write him a letter about what you did, but then throw it away or burn it. Talking to a therapist or friend might help as well.
Good luck!!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (22 November 2006):
 If you decide to tell him, do be prepared for him to not forgive you and leave you. This is a very possible consequence of your action. Do not expect him to forgive you, you are not entitled to forgiveness. If he can, he will, but it will not be easy for him and you will have to demonstrate your loyalty over and over. Expect him to be haunted by this and for him to be jealous in the future, and do your best to accept this and to support him. He will need your reassurance and support.
I hope it works out for you.
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A
female
reader, jabey  +, writes (22 November 2006):
No no dont tell him. Forgive yourself and move on you made a mistake it happens. By telling him you will cause him so much hurt and may ruin what must be a good relationship. You know you will never do it again you know you love him. So enjoy live in the present and future , dont live in the past, move on. Its enough to forgive yourself, the only person who will gain by you telling is you unburdening your guilt. He will have to deal with a lot more and what for something that happened ages ago.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2006): I would tell him. You clearly want to or else you would have not asked the question.
I cheated on my boyfriend (of 2 years) while I was living outside the country. I realized my mistake, owned up to it, and confessed to him. He was hurt, and things were awkward initially, but in the end he forgave me; he saw that I was very sorry, and hurt too. And, as an added bonus, I was free of the guilt and shame that had been weighing down on me.
Now, months later, our relationship has never been better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2006): It was one night, and what is that in the grand scheme of things? What he doesn't know won't hurt him; ignorance is bliss. So enjoy your husband 2 be, because you've learned your lesson. Anyway there's no point in regret - you cannot change the past. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (21 November 2006):
 Hi There,
Is the man you had the one night with in your life at all, and could your fiance find out? If so, you better tell him before he finds out in other ways.
Next, part of being in a relationship is to take the hit. You have pangs of guilt? Then good. Use it. It will be your guide and motivator, so that you don't make this mistake again.
Maybe use this guilt to give up drinking altogether? You obviously did not know your limit.
Your guilt is yours, and they only reason you want to share it, is not for him, but to relieve your own burden. He did not do anything to deserve that kind of hurt.
One day, he might screw up too, and he might be the one that needs your forgiveness...and at that time you can remember a time when you made a mistake too, and be more forgiving than you ever thought you could handle.
My 2cents.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2006): I don't think you should tell him. Don't know if this is a silly idea but to alleviate your guilt (which you seem to need to do), why not set yourself a task or goal which involves doing a good deed of some kind? Something that you wouldn't normally do. It could be helping people, fundraising - anything you can turn your hand to. When you have achieved it, let the guilt go. It could be your way of making up to yourself for one stupid night.
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A
male
reader, oregon +, writes (21 November 2006):
I don't think you should tell him, i think you need to forgive yourself for the mistake you made, accept you are only human and move on from it.
I don't think telling your boyfriend would do any good other than to bring up a lot of uncomfortable feelings for you and him.
I think you just need to accept that none of us is perfect and hopefully the pair of you can get on with living your life happily together.
Good Luck!
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