A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid me and my ex have been through some hard times in the past few years and it was my fault for not putting enough into the relationship. We split in march and in june I had a one night stand as I thought I could not get her back due to my actions. I immediately realised what a mistake I made and got back in contact with her we eventually met up and passions arose in both of us again . She asked me if I had saw anyone and I said no thinking she would run a mile. Things started to work out with us and in many situations I had faltered in the past I was putting right. I received a text from the girl I had slept with saying she was pregnant. I crumbled and gave a reason I didnt want to to my ex that I got back with as an excuse as to why I didnt think it would work. This girl then got back in contact with me and said she is having an abortion. My ex called me as she couldn't understand why I went so hot then cold with her. I met up with her and spoke the truth and it didnt go down well and she left. I am beside myself and cant sleep and want her back I feel like I cant give up hope. What should I do?
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abortion, ex called, my ex, one night stand, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (12 September 2013):
 I don't believe it and think it's in your head about protection, especially with the huge amount of different types and materials they are in. Some guys are allergic to latex, but there are so many options when it comes to protection, like Polyurethane, Polyisoprene, and even natural skin condoms (made from cured sheep's intestines).
In your case, I'd stick to masturbation because you are putting women at risk wherever you go. Multiple pregnancies, and multiple partners with not a care about how you will maintain birth control. You aren't even using spermicidal cream or buying her female condoms, are you? Also, ever hear of the time-honored tradition of PULLING OUT?!? That actually is much more effective if done right, but I'm guessing you're staying right in there without a care in the world.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): it is none of her business, you wasn't with her, so you had no need to lie. that is what most females would have said, if it had been a female asking the same question.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2013): In response to what?! am unable to wear protection and been to clinics and doctors regarding this.i had an adverse reaction to using them and have tried many types. My previous situations were not one night stands and were full and committed relationships this was my first one night stand. This was my first and last one night stand and I would rather not do it or go through the adverse effects of wearing protection than the effects of the situation im now in.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 September 2013):
WHAT?!
"Before I had sex I asked the girl if we was to have sex and a situation arose what would her viewpoint be. She said she would have an abortion."
So you asked *THIS* question, and previously you went through another abortion AND a baby that was stillborn?
Why the hell are you NOT using protection? Do you not care anything about either your own health or the women you are having sex with?? These events are devastating - abortion, stillbirth, etc. You're out having casual unprotected sex...what the hell are you thinking?!
Do you know how simple it is to put on a condom and use one? You're out relying on women to use their own birth control, and not only that, but STI's are very easy to contract and transmit.
What is the problem?! Why do you have to have conversations with one night stands about what SHE will do if you impregnate her? If you're out having sex, you need to be using protection. All else is selfish and shows an extreme lack of integrity. We're not talking about well into a serious relationship, we're talking about one night stands with no protection. Very dangerous and reckless and you're leaving a lot of hurt and devastation in your wake.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2013): Hi thanks for the responses I think I need to clear a few things up. Before I had sex I asked the girl if we was to have sex and a situation arose what would her viewpoint be. She said she would have an abortion. I myself during a previous relationship had been through both an abortion and a still born child which was found out 4 days before she was to be born. It was heart breaking and I still visit her grave regularly after 7 years. I was also present in the room and held the girls hand during her abortion so I have experience of this and did not run a mile. I visited the girl in question after her telling me she was pregnant and that she had decided to have an abortion for lots of reasons we both agreed on before and after she found out she was pregnant. I told her if she stuck to the agreement we had made I would support her and go with her and anything she needed I woulddo and also if she dedecided to continue with the pregnancy I would be supportive. I have an issue with lying I hate it and didn't want to lie in the first place. Yes it was self serving and I accept that. I rode 8 miles with my recouperating torn achillies tendon to put flowers on my exes car for when she went to work in the morning and said good morning to her and that I was sorry. I met up with her and I asked her if the girl went against what she had agreed upon and decided to have the baby what would her view be. She said although it happened when u wasnt with me I would leave due to shame. We went back and discussed long into the night and had sex. Today I get a message saying that the girl has decided to keep the child. I went round and said I didnt hate her or the child I was partly to blame a for not wearing protection and b for being to naive to think an agreement as to if she became pregnant would still stand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2013): This happened to me. My ex was cheating on me so I messed with the girls boyfriend and ended up pregnant. What I did was focused on my child rather than the guys. The relationship is whatever, but your child will be there forever regardless so just focus on the baby!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2013): What you should do is learn from your self-serving choices and down the road when you meet someone you are interested in, then treat her with respect, remain loyal, be honest and give the relationship all that you have.
You did what you did, and there are consequences to your choices and in this case, not good ones. Move on and don't let history repeat itself.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 September 2013):
What *can* you do?
Actions have consequences. Not using reliable protection got you into the pickle with the one-night-stand. And lying to your ex got you dumped.
AuntyEm is spot on. What is scarier is your moral code. You have no problem lying or doing whatever it takes to serve yourself. I also noticed that you couldn't care less if the ONS had the abortion or not. You used her and now she's in the rear view mirror.
My point is not to bash you, but to wake you up. Why did your relationship disintegrate in the first place? I fear that you'll get back with her, and then the same character flaws and same lack of a moral and integrity compass will destroy your relationship again.
Change yourself before getting her back. And yes, I think the only thing you can do is give her extreme honesty, as in ripping out your heart and showing it to her. Tell her you lied because you were terrified of losing her. Did you tell her you made another woman pregnant when you spoke "the truth", or did you merely say that you were with someone else?
I know how I would feel if I had gotten back with a boyfriend who in the few months apart had impregnated another woman. That's pretty scary news, as many women (myself included) value security, especially emotionally. The whole "oh yeah, she had an abortion" would unsettle me, as if it mattered as much to you as "oh, she got a scratch on her car with a grocery cart". You produced a son or daughter. She made the choice to terminate, but that doesn't change that fact. That's massive. Running from that fact or lying about it makes you a flake and would make me wonder what would happen if we were to get serious and life's events happen -- would you lie and run from that as well?
I hope your relationship can get past what happened, but you'll need to rebuild shattered trust. This means your relationship will never be what it was. But build it on truth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2013): Start telling people the truth. There are fewer stories to remember and keep straight.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (9 September 2013):
 All I can suggest is that you write her a letter with pen and paper. Old fashioned, I know, but it shows thought and consideration and gives you a platform to say what you really want too, clearly and sensibly.
Tell her the absolute truth and explain why you made the decisions you did, because you were scared of losing her and were trying to protect her from hurt.
Also acknowledge that you understand that your actions have actually hurt her more than telling the truth in the first place would have done. Take ownership of your actions and ensure you apologise to her.
Tell her you still love her and would like the opportunity to talk to her properly about this.
Then all you can do is wait.
She will be upset, angry and disappointed in you and will no doubt have trust issues with you.
It never pays to lie, they always eventually get found out and relationships have to built on honesty and trust.
At the start the truth may have hurt her a little but at least she would still have respected and trusted you.
If you're very lucky, she will call you and arrange to meet to talk about this and there may be hope for you.
If not then all you can do is mourn her loss and learn by the mistakes made to ensure that any future relationships don't suffer the same fate.
The one night stand was no crime, as you'd already split, lying about it was misguided. The pregnancy was unfortunate but you didn't shirk your responsibility. The outcome with your girlfriend is not desirable but please remember, the only mistake you made was withholding the truth. You are not a bad person.
Write her a letter, it may help you clarify things as much as show her how you feel.
I really hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (9 September 2013):
 You can't actually DO anything right now, the ball is in her court and she needs time to mull over what has happened.
You arn't the first and you most definitely won't be the last person this happens to, both men and women have, through careless action, found themselves in an unwanted pregnancy situation. The best you can do about the situation is admit to yourself that you need to grow up and start acting more responsibly.
The other girl now has to go through an abortion, which will probably destroy her life (and I notice you are not remorseful about that, which says a lot about you as a person)
A lot of women absolutely would not have you back, but some would and there is no way of knowing what the outcome will be.
If you jump up and down and make a lot of empty statements about how you will change, then I wouldn't blame her for ditching you...time and plenty of it and your ability to prove that you have accepted what you have done are needed here, because you killed trust and that cannot and should not be regained over night.
Back off, give her space, sort out your own mess and wait and see if she returns, thats all you can do.
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