A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so through with relationships and men. I am an independent woman, smart, beautiful and keeps myself busy never clingy. Met a good guy and helped him, even when he didn't have a job and no money, but now he's run off with a clingy girl. What did I do wrong?What do men really want? I read relationship books that advised against being clingy and desperate. This other girl dated my man for five months before we met. When we met we were both head sprung in love. I thought nothing in this world can break us apart. I met families and friends. She constantly sent letters and emails begging for him to come back to her. I always laughed when I saw it because I couldn't believe the level of desperation. She would even leave messages crying and weeping over him. I did not make it an issue because I knew any real man will not want a desperate woman.But it turns out my man left and went back to her and marrying her soon. If clingy was what he wanted then I would have given him that. Oh I could have been that girl but I gave him his space to fix the issues in his life and helped him with whatever he needed. How did I get the short end of the stick. His friends are laughing at his decision too. No one seems to see this coming.I am so lost and turn. Wonder if I should mimic her and start writing letters and emails to beg him to come back to me. I'm so hurt. What should I do?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (11 January 2013):
OP, he's not worth your time. Don't become some whimpering creature I'd feel sorry for chasing after him like he's the last decent man on earth. If that were the case, I'd rather stay single forever.
Some people are just not compatible. That happens a lot. Stay true to yourself and don't start doubting yourself just because some insecure girl got him tangled in her web. If it was that easy for him to give in to her, he's not worth being called a man in the first place.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (10 January 2013):
Maybe what you call "clingy" he calls "loving" or "attentive."Maybe what you call "independent" he calls "stubborn," "obstinate," "headstrong," or "distant."My guess is you are incompatible. Move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): Some men like independent women and feel smothered by clinginess. Other men mistake clinginess for flattery and thus like it. Those men tend to ones with low self esteem. The clinginess is an incredible flattery to them so they are attracted to it.However I have a feeling that after a few years of marriage he will no longer like her clinginess. And yes I think she will still be clingy after marriage if she was clingy before. People don't change. After marriage she may demand he spend all his free time with her and not have any friends. I bet he wont find her clinginess so awesome anymore once he is subjected to the negative side of it.So yeah this guy found her clinginess to be flattering and that's why he went for her. But its very likely after awhile he wont find it flattering anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2013): Real men don't like clingy women. That's what the books are talking about and they are right.But insecure men like clingy women because these guys are so insecure they need to have their ego artificially propped up and a woman being desperate for them does the trick. It makes them feel like a knight in shining armor when a woman is desperate for them and clinging to them and they rescue her. They want the relationship to be about them being in control to assuage their insecurity. And when the woman is desperate for them that makes the guy feel in controlReal men who are not insecure don't have this overwhelming need for the woman to desperately need them. They want a relationship of equal partners not one in which the woman is at a disadvantage to him so ie can feel powerful or in control. If you had pretended to be clingy you may very well have gotten him. But you would have lost all self respect. I mean honestly can you see yourself grovelling, begging, crying? You would not be happy if that's what it took to keep this relationship. I can guarantee you that he doesn't respect her as much as he respects you. But because he is insecure he wants to be with a woman he doesn't respect so he can feel one up on her or more powerful.You can and should express your deep feelings and desire for your partner without the dramatics and hysterics. If you didn't actually express your feelings for him in words then maybe he didn't actually know how much you wanted him. But being desperate doesn't convey love it conveys fear of abandonment which is very different as it is self-centered and that's what she was doing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI stood my grounds and lost him. He told me he is not perfect and working on himself and he said when I accuse him of his behavior I am not nice. Told me most men do worse and I will not find any man thats perfect. How so. How could he throw three years away for a sucker for love.Where do I start from trusting men. If he knows he is not ready why propose marriage and commitment to me. I would have been fine just dating.When will men know its easier to tell the truth than lie. Let us make that choice to be with you with your flaws. Now he is settling with her because she took all his BS.
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A
female
reader, sam3025  +, writes (9 January 2013):
The best thing you can do is let her have him because real men can't be stolen
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 January 2013):
 Some men may SAY they don't like clingy needy woman, but some men truly likes feeling NEEDED and chased after. But in the long run, it's more about him liking a woman who will stand on her tongue to please him... THAT isn't you. THAT is her.
WHY on EARTH would you try and turn yourself into a desperate woman?
HE ISN'T the last man on Earth.
If he is this indecisive about what he wants in his life, IS HE really for you?
And last but not least, he picked it back up with the other girl, NOT because of all her clingyness or needy behavior, but because it was easier to deal with her then WORK on those issues he "needed" space for in his life. I think your man and the woman have some sort of codependency. And maybe it's part familiarity? ( you know better... the devil you know?) And honestly, they deserve each other.
Don't YOU think you can do a whole lot better then him? Don't you WANT someone who KNOW WTF he wants in life? Who can take care of himself?
Pick yourself up, lady. There are plenty of better guys out there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): So 'real men don't like clingy women'? Well if he isn't a real man your well shot of him aren't you.This clingy woman loves him, fought and won. He must love her too and not give a damn what his friends think.You do not need to change yourself, just wait until you find a 'real man' who loves you for who you are.
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A
female
reader, Frustrated36 +, writes (9 January 2013):
There is nothing wrong with you. You should never change for someone else to get them or keep them in your life. That way of thinking is wrong. If they can't except you for who you are then they don't need to be in your life.Ask yourself this question; Do you try to be someone your not to have friends or family or to keep them in your life?All this means is that he is not the one for you to have in your life. It's his loss not yours. Don't let his stupid decisions rule your life and don't let him, his family, or his friends see your frustration. Think about what you need to do to make you happy. You don't need to have a man in your life to make you happy, especially someone like that.I'm going through a rocky part in my relationship right now myself because I've come to see that I'm one of those people that is needy, clingy, and selfish. I am working on changing this for myself and no one else. If my boyfriend chooses to stay in this relationship that is great but if he decides that he doesn't want to be with me then it wasn't ment to be and I will move on. I may not date again for awhile because I want to be happier with myself and who I am but someday when I feel ready I will date again.Stay focused on you and how important it is for you to be happy with you. Remember there is nothing wrong with you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 January 2013):
 No what you NEED to do is be TRUE to yourself.
DO not be who you are not.
I just went to lunch with a good friend... she is 180 degrees from me in terms of what she will put up with in a relationship and she would never have ended up with my hubby but he works for me.... so everyone is different.
why would you want him back?
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