A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey heres some background my boyfrind who iv been with over a year and is pregnant with his baby (just found out 2 months ago) Cheated on me about 3 or 4 months ago he confessed and i know he was truly sorry he was crying well he was tring to tell me he got depressed and even started hurting himself but hes ok and i gave him one last chance and we do plan to get married. But theres a couple of probleming questions that keep popping in my head. Like how long did he have sex with her for? Did he not think of me once well he was doing that? Did he have a crush on the girl? Does he just think shes hot? Did they do oral also? Did they plan it or did it just happen out of no where? How could you talk to me right after that like nothing happend? A million questions are going through my head I know its best that i dont know becuase knowing and thinking are diffrent and some of those answers can hurt me more but i cant stop wondering about it. Do you think this more pro/cons of knowing evering or not? Thanks you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): I can answer one question for you. He was able to carry on this affair precisely because he WASN'T thinking of you. When he was with the other woman he was lost in the moment. The fear and guilt came later.His crying, depression, self harming and all that carrying on is not a litmust test to measure geniune remorse. It is a common tactic designed to elicit sympathy from the agrieved party. It's meant to direct attention away from his actions and focus them on his feelings. He may indeed be remorseful, but don't you get sucked into the drama. He should be consoling you, not the other way round. If you think the relationship is worth saving, then rebuild your connection by facing the ugly stuff AND nuturing the good parts. Go out on dates again. Do the things that brought you together in the first place. I'm not sure if postponing the wedding is the way to go. On the one hand you don't want to make a life long commitment to someone you can no longer trust. on the other breaking a wedding date might further jeopardize an already fragile bond. Your call.Whether you stay together or go your separate ways know that things work out in the end.Best of luck.
A
female
reader, Babygurl81296 +, writes (24 May 2011):
Well i cheated on my boyfriend and i know exactly how he may feel. I think i should give him anoyher chance. What he id was probably a mistake especially if he was loyal enough to tell you. When he did it, he probably wasnt thinking about anything and just did the first thing that came to mind. It probably came out of no where and just happened, it might of started out as nothing and then things goy carried away. He probably felt very guilty after it happened and wanted to get rid of it and feel like he did atleast one thing loyal, so he told you. Hope this helps! Goodluck with your boyfriend!!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 May 2011):
 From all those questions remove those that had to do with the other girl. Ask him if he finds you the most attractive. Ask him if he cares about you. Ask him if he thinks that one woman can make him happy for life. Does he think that marriage can add fulfilment and more excitement in life? Focus on the present. Hold off the marriage. Right now what you need to focus on is rebuilding the connection, and not the wedding list and the ceremony. When you keep on thinking what's wrong in the past, you are giving yourself reasons not to be in this relationship, and you might as well just break it off.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (24 May 2011):
 I can promise you one thing, you are gonna have to let many of those questions go, because you don't really want to know the answer.Something I have always had as a sort of mantra is never to ask a question if I couldn't handle the answer.For sure, you want to know exactly what you are dealing with. You want to know exactly what was felt, how much emotion was involved, how long it was taking place while he was acting completely "normal". These are absolutely legitimate questions.But the other thing you need to understand, is that the more questions you ask, the more mental images and therefore pain you will be putting yourself through. Sure, you should know how long it went on, but when you get to questions like did they have oral sex, you now have to deal with that mental image as well. And that might not be worth it.If you don't ask some of these questions, you will probably have a very difficult time forgiving him and letting it go. (If you even can let it go.)rSome questions that I think should be answered are: 1) What was it that made you open to doing something like that? What was going on inside of you? When you truly are in love with someone (something that is thrown around like Happy Birthday these days), having sex with someone else is the farthest thing from your mind. The thought of losing that person is MUCH stronger than the desire to have pleasure for fifteen minutes. (Okay...7 minutes.) 2) How long were you involved with that person? If you were able to be involved with that person for a while and still seem completely committed to me then how can I protect myself from that in the future?Although I have never been married, I would also STRONGLY suggest you both do pre-marital counseling without a doubt. These kind of things can fester and destroy a marriage with ease. Pre-marital counseling would be a great way to gauge whether or not you really have moved on, or if you really can handle being married to him given what has happened.I am not saying this is the case, but don't let him asking you to marry him be in any way some sort of retribution for what he has done. And what I mean by that is, don't let it be some sort of relationship "bandage" that somehow proves he is serious about being sorry or wanting to be with you. in reality, asking someone to marry you is just as easy as telling someone you love them when you don't. They are just words, the actions matter infinitely more!And finally, it seems there are quite a few issues on his end that would need to be figured out before he is anywhere near ready to be a husband and father. It is not even remotely acceptable for him to hurting himself as a means of dealing with guilt and depression. And such extreme behavior is usually a sign of much deeper issues. If you cannot have an extended period of time in which your relationship is healthy, and he is mentally stable, then how could you possibly go forward with a marriage? I don't mean to discourage you, I hope to encourage you both to grow as individuals and as a couple. And perhaps in dealing with these issues you will both grow much closer than you even thought possible. Then, marriage will feel like a natural result, not a question mark.I hope the best for you!!!
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A
female
reader, kylieekristina +, writes (24 May 2011):
 I would have wanted all of those answers before I forgave him. How long it went on, did he like her, did he go down on her, was it premeditated, those are all important facts that I would have to know. If the answers were not that it just happened and just once and no he didnt give her oral, I couldnt forgive him.
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