A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé and I have been together for a little over a year now. When we first starting dating I explained to him that I had major trust issues with men and I didn't tolerate lies and deceit in relationships. He promised me that he would always do his best to be "worthy" of me and make me nothing but happy. A few months after, I caught him writing seductive emails to another woman. He denied ever wanting to have a real sexual relationship with her and explained that he was only trying to make her feel good about herself because she was suicidal. He's a Pastor and gives counseling from time to time. Of course I didn't believe that pile of crap, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I later got him to confess the truth to me that he indeed did want to have sex with her. He then promised that he would never lie and do anything to hurt me again. So I forgave him, but I told him that it would take some time for me to be able to fully trust him again. And now, he has been looking at these naked women, which he knew I didn't approve of at all! I have suspected that he has been looking at naked photos of girls on the internet for some time now. He seems to always close out a window when I walk past him at his computer and pretends that he's doing something else. I've approached him before but all he did was lie. But recently just caught him red handed and he couldn't lie this time. Instead he told me that he doesn't even like that stuff, and explained that before we got together it was all that he had because he was alone, and now that he has me, that stuff just reminds him of how happy he is to have me. Then he promised me that he'd stop and begged me to give him one more chance.I do love him but it seems that I cannot find a way to get him to ever just be honest with me. I mean, he'll even lie about stupid things. To top it off he is a Pastor of a church!! I'm 35 and he's 54 and I'm scared that he's too old to really change his ways, though he swears he can. Even if I tell him I want to go to couples counseling, I don't even know what good that'll do if he won't fess up to his problem with lying. I wants to forgive him. I just don't know how to do that or if I even should. The problem is, even if I decide to end it all together, I am financially dependent on him. Please, please..I need some clarity!Thank you,So hurt and scared
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 March 2009):
 Remember, relationships are not confusing, or too difficult, as long as those in the relationship are well grounded with who they are and what they're seeking. This relationship could be good, if both of you are acting to promote it as being a healthy relationship. You both need to give and take, but not to the point where you're compromising your values, or the integrity of your relationship.
Take care, and I wish you both the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, that sure is true that he's got a lot of issues!! Leave it to me to get the "fallen" pastor, just my luck lol!
I had taken the time to be alone for some years before he and I got into a relationship. I felt that I was finally "finding" myself again and when we met, explained to him that I didn't want anyone to hinder my growth and the peace that I had found in myself. He assured me that he would only do right by me for my happiness. And with him being a man of the cloth, that provided me with the security in that I could trust him with my heart.
I am hoping to work through this and if need be, get some couples counselling. He said he would do anything to regain my trust so if that's not a lie then I should expect that he will go to couples counselling if I ask him. I don't want him to think it as a punishment, but I think counselling is definately in order, because I feel it may be the best thing for the both of us. I could use some help in rebuilding trust without feeling that I have to completely distance myself, and he DEFINATELY could use a little guidance and advice on how lies don't lead a relationships to the alter. I mean, he's 54 and counsels marriages himself! I figured he would know these simple things with all of his life and professional experience! I'd like to say I've seen stranger things, but this really tops a lot of what I've seen in my days!
If it can't work after that then at least I then I can feel that I've given my best. I pray that God will see this through for the both of us.
Again, thank you, thank you, thank you for your kind advice!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 March 2009):
So, If I were him, and using his excuses, I could sleep with a bunch of women and claim that I was proving you were better in bed? Give me a break. He's likes naked women, that's the fact. Generally, I'd say it's not bad to appreciate beauty, but there is a problem when that appreciation affects a relationship, and excuses are made to cover up wrong doing.
I'm a reverend, and I don't view those things because I would feel as if I were violating them, even though their on the world wide web. Just because he's with a church, doesn't make him perfect. The fact he lies and covers up his viewing desire says he may not be the right person for you.
If I were you, even though you have the negative financial position, ask around and see if you can find some assistance to get out of that situation. Pastor or not, you don't deserve being treated this way. Now, being a child of God, I don't believe you were born for the purpose of accepting this treatment either.
It only took him a few months to trash his being worthy. How long are you going to allow this to persist? I understand the trust issues, therefore I challenge you to be single for a period of time to rebuild who you are and exactly what you're looking for in a partner. It's hard, I'm on 3 1/2 years seeking to find who I am, and have become so much stronger because of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): You should seek couples counselling. Let him know you're fed up and that's the only way to save your marriage. He really has a lot of issues and I don't think talking to him alone can help.
I know he is a man of the cloth but he is also just a man. I'm sure these are his struggles, just like we all have our struggles.
And pray about it. God will give you strength and wisdom.
Good luck.
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