A
female
age
36-40,
*lapure4
writes:I've been at my current employer for two years. I enjoy what I do as a paralegal, but most importantly, I've collaborated with a great group of smart, distinguished professionals at my company. Everyone is helpful, friendly, brilliant. We work hard and play hard. While working, I met this guy who is 11 years older than I am. He's a 42 year old, single Muslim who carries himself with a lot of confidence, yet has this quiet demeanor that resembles my own. I thought he was attractive, but I saw him as a big brother type who gave me advice on men/dating/religion/relationships, etc. We talked about various things and we each saw things differently as African Americans. A year later, I was 31 going on 32 when I found out that he secretly got married to a woman in another state. No one knew, not even his closest coworkers in the office because he's an extremely private person. Even though I was surprised, I knew I would get the full story upon his return. Eventually, he told me in confidence that it was a woman he met online over a year ago, and flew off from Boston to Chicago to marry her. It wasn't a full year into the marriage when he began confiding in me about their marital problems. Every now and again, I would ask how things were going and he would repeat the same thing - that they are working on the marriage and that she has yet to relocate to Boston to live with him. Obviously, the problems were much deeper than the distance between them because last week, he admitted that the marriage was falling apart and they were heading for a divorce. He said this to me after we left a team softball game and offered to walk me to the nearest bus stop in the city to tell me the story. I literally could tell that he was heartbroken, and I reassured him that they needed to talk things out (or maybe there was a misunderstanding?). We went on talking about other things, laughing and such and then the next day, we were corresponding via email when he said, "I'm here for you whenever you want to talk. I don't confide in much, but I am very touched by your willingness to talk about relationships/religion/and other events in life." I took that to mean this might leading into an emotional affair, but the other part of me was confused/conflicted because we viewed eachother as brother and sister so I put it out of my mind. I have the tendency to overthink as well, so I asked my mother, two sisters, and friend who are all married to offer an unbiased opinion. My sisters and friend said that he might be testing the waters to see how far he can go, whereas my mother thought I was overthinking. I do care about him and want to support him through this period because this is his first marriage, and wants to get it right. Yesterday, I spent at least an hour in his office, talking to him about randomness including my current dating experiences with a guy I met recently. Am I overreacting or is there something more happening that I'm not aware of? I welcome your opinion on the matter. Note: Another fact you should know is that we haven't gone to dinner, but we've had lunch in his office (or in the breakroom). I may bump into him once every few months or so, and even then we will usually catch up after work hours.
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affair, co-worker, confidence, divorce, heartbroken, met online, muslim, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2019): I would tend to listen to your sisters/friend, because they probably have more info than we do. Your mum is from a different generation so she may be a bit skewed by that.
I would bet most guys would be willing to switch from a friendship to 'something more' for the right woman, so do be careful!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2019): The golden rule of any marriage/relationship is that you don't tell anyone anything your spouse doesn't know. It's being inappropriate by talking about his wife behind his back. He's trying to test the waters to see how far you'll accept boundaries to be pushed. Keep your distance.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (18 July 2019):
 The best way to handle this situation with the least amount of trouble is to remember that you are co-workers and he is married. Stay professional and do not get so personal. You are treading in dangerous waters here and could wind up getting hurt or possibly even getting into entanglements at work. You sound like a nice lady that wants to be a friend but you honestly only know his side of the story and what he wants you to know. There could be a heck of alot going on that he isn't sharing with you. If you have any romantic feelings at all for him you'd be very wise to keep them hidden till he is 100% free and clear and even then because you work together its not really very wise. Stay professional, friendly but rather standoffish and don't encourage "one on one time".
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 July 2019):
 "Am I overreacting or is there something more happening that I'm not aware of?"
Yes you are growing an emotional attachment to a married co-worker. Dangerous waters.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2019): He should not under any circumstances be talking about his marriage and wife with anyone outside his marriage. Especially not a female he might hope to lead down a slippery slope into affair land. He is dead wrong. And so you are if you allow yourself to become his emotional confidante. We all know where that leads. Stay away from the man! He's bad for you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2019): You're inserting yourself too deeply; and this IS going to turn into an affair. The very fact that you wrote a post about it implies you're getting emotionally-attached, too personally-involved; and empathy is taking a stroll down the wrong path. You're flattered with his special-attention.
Who gets secretly married and doesn't tell their employer their marital-status? Nobody is that private. I could understand an elopement, and keeping it from family; until you thought the time was right. Something is a little fishy.
Let's be logical, and less emotional in figuring this out.
My suggestion is that you back-off. Let him settle his marital-problems; and seek counseling from a licensed and trained-professional.
I will go further to advise you that you not delude yourself about your feelings. We sometimes rationalize to ourselves; and that's when we make our greatest mistakes. You don't just feel like brother and sister; you were moved that he wants to confide in you. You are impressed with his "perceived" vulnerability. Women are seduced by man-tears, and our "exposed male-vulnerability."
He's keeping the marriage a secret? I think his marriage always existed, and he tried to runaway from it. You don't know the actual date this marriage took place, you don't know the woman involved, and you have nothing but a one-sided story to go-by. He tells you only what he wants you to hear; and exposes only what he wants you to know. That's quite dangerous.
He works for a law firm, and hides vital personal-data that could inadvertently jeopardize the firm's legal-credibility. What if she was abandoned, or there is domestic-violence involved? In these days and times, legal-opponents dig into your background for anything to discredit you. It's publicly-accessible information; if you wanted to investigate if he has a marriage license. It's not a secret! You as a legal-professional know this.
My advice is to become more professionally-distant, remain friendly; but be objective about his personal-affairs. He needs to seek comfort and confide in the woman he talked into marrying him. Not a co-worker! There's a reason she refuses to move to Boston. Those details are apparently too private to share with you. People need to know the boundaries of appropriateness and professionalism. Keep business and pleasure separate.
Playing together is fine, when done for the sake of camaraderie and team morale. When you split-away from the group; forming a one-on-one consortium...it turns from business into pleasure!
Stay neutral, and stop discussing intimate personal-matters with co-workers. Especially colleagues of the opposite-sex.
These sort of ties seep into your deeper emotional areas; places that are inappropriate for a married-man, between co-workers, and a single-lady who hasn't been in a romantic-relationship for some time. Your vulnerabilities are quite susceptible; and that's exactly where he's angling.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2019): If he was interested in you then why did he go and marry someone else? I agree with BrownWolf, don't start anything romantic with him till he shows you the divorce papers.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (17 July 2019):
 Hi Op,
Just speculating...He may have married someone who used him to get status in your country, hence the quick downfall of the marriage.
Nonetheless, you do not want to be caught up in an emotional state in this situation. Women have big hearts, which is good, but also can get them into a lot of emotional trouble, by trying to rescue wounded puppies like your friend.
In the event that you would like things to go further, make sure the divorce is over and done. Demand to see the paper work, not just take his word for it.
Don't sit around feeding on this bonding situation. Go live your life as well. He maybe the one, or he may just be a big brother as you say. Don't waste time trying to find out which one he is. If it is meant to be, then it will happen at the right time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 July 2019):
 Honestly?
I'd stay out of another person's marriage, in every way. Especially someone you work with.
Doesn't mean you can't say:" I'm sorry to hear that" or the likes but getting to be come a "voyeur or agony aunt" of his life might not be a good idea.
I have seen it before where married men will talk "smack " (in lack of a better word) about their spouse to garner sympathy from someone and for that someone (in this case, YOU) to get INVOLVED in his life and problems. And get YOU to share private details, like you are about your dating life. He should be talking to his wife about issues and WORK on those issues, not bring you INTO them. IMHO.
I'm not saying you can't make friends with male coworkers, but it might get a little to easy to blur lines.
I think the REASON you are getting these feelings that perhaps there is more going on... is because something IS going on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2019): You've got into it so it will be difficult to extricate yourself from this situation OP. Is he interested in you? Only be knows. My guess is that he's not interested romantically yet but then you never know. His marriage is breaking and you might just be his shoulder to cry on.If you ask me OP there is no such thing as a guy and a girl being a "brother" and "sister", unless you're biologically related. I personally find the whole 'I view the person as a brother/sister" thing to be nonsensical. You can say that you're friends who are not attracted to each other so I'm just going to assume that's what it is in your case.It's nice that you want to support him through his marriage and want things to work for him but just make sure you don't overdo things in your enthusiasm or send the wrong signals. You're co-workers so it's best to keep things slightly impersonal and more professional. Nothings happening yet that you're not aware of but if this continue this way for long, then I guess you won't be brothers and sisters anymore!
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