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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello, thanks for your advice My husband and I have been together for 3 years. There are things that he does that bother me. When I try to tell him to please take my feelings into consideration he tells me I'm bring controlling and he will never be controlled. I feel he is the one who's controlling as he does what he wants. He goes to the bar with his friends. Sometimes twice a week. If I ask Wayne gets mad. He spends excessively on his friends, if I mention it he gets mad. I tell him please don't over spend on your friends. It's like hes buying them. He talks to his exes I have told him I'm not sure why your speaking to your exes (no children involved ) maybe its not my business but if something bothers me I should be able to communicate that. Any opinions would be appreciated
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2019): My guess is that Wayne was always disrespectful and inconsiderate. Even as your boyfriend. You probably thought marriage, love, and some nagging would smooth the rough-edges; and straighten him out. Didn't you?
Wayne became your husband; now he knows you can't just walkaway when you've had enough. Now he's showing you who's boss!
When married-guys pound their chests, and tell you they aren't taking orders from their wives; their no-count drinking-buddies are usually behind it egging him on. He has to show the pack that he wears the pants.
If the bills are paid on time, and you're not the one left holding the bag each month; he feels he has the right to splurge a couple of nights-out with his buds. He's a grown-man, and he didn't just start drinking at bars after you married him.
He'll wise-up. If he makes the most money in the group, he's showing-off. He'll get tired of picking-up the tab, and looking stupid. He'll also get tired of always being broke.
He's being taken for a sucker; and his empty pockets will tell him so. He'll listen to them, before he listens to you!
Stash some of your money in a separate account. Unless he's the household-bookkeeper, he won't notice. You can keep track your bank transactions and records on a phone app. You're going to need some mad-money.
The ways and habits Wayne has now; were the ways and habits he had when he was your boyfriend, and during courtship. That's usually a red-flag, or a deal-breaker. It's died into the fabric, and he's not going to change. He's immune to nagging; and your words go in one ear, and out the other.
Oh, and he also talks to his exes? Then consult with a divorce attorney, and start gathering your courage to make a big decision. That's about all you can do.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 July 2019):
 Did he do all these things BEFORE you married? If so, why did you marry him?
I ask because they (these issues) seem to be almost deal-breakers to you.
Do you two have financial issues? Do you share finances? Do you have a budget? are there set aside an "allowance" for each of you?
It's hard to really "judge" or gauge IF you ARE being controlling or not with the money/friends thing. For several reasons, 1. I don't know how well your finances (in generally are) 2. I don't know how you two run your finances, 3. YOU (and I) don't know how much his friends ALSO spend on these nights out.
Talking to exes- issue... Well, to he really frank here... I think it's a little TOO late for you to make this an issue. Unless he DIDN'T start talking to them UNTIL you got married you MUST have known he kept them as "friends" or "contacts" and apparently... you still married him. SO why is it an ISSUE for you now? (my guess is THAT is what HE is thinking).
I also think part of these issues is the NEITHER of you are good at communication. You might come off AS "controlling" (in a way that makes him feel like you are TELLING him what he can and can not do) and HE is not at all listening he just tosses out the "you are controlling" to get you to back off - which means... NOTHING gets resolved.
DEFINE WHY you think him spending XX amount when going out is not a good thing. As in - it means bills doesn't get paid because he spend that money drinking with friend. JUST because YOU feel/think he is "buying" his friends... doesn't mean HE feels/think that or that it's the actual truth. YOU aren't there, right? Not invited? So is THAT the bigger issue here? That he RATHER spend time with friends drinking than with you? OR that you are SEPARATE from his friendships?
As for the exes, again. I can see why that pisses him off that you bring it up. ALL of a sudden YOU feel because you are married you can now DICTATE who he can talk to?
Or is it because you feel "threatened" by him keeping them around? Why didn't this bother you before? WHY is it an issue now?
YOU need to get to the bottom of the issues YOU have, and communicate in a CLEAR manner that he can UNDERSTAND, that isn't YOU trying to tell him what he CAN AND CAN NOT DO all of a sudden. Because BEING MARRIED doesn't mean that people CHANGE. OR that you now have the "right" to dictate what HE should do. HE SHOULD have cared about your feeling WAY before you got married.
And you shouldn't have IGNORED things that makes you unhappy or bother you until AFTER the marriage.
Figure out what the ROOT problem (for you) is. DEFINE it. Then talk to him. But also WEIGH up are these issues that really make a difference? IF he (let's say) stop spending money on friends and talking to exes - when will you start looking to other things to change? To pick at?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 July 2019):
 My opinion: he has ZERO respect for you OR your feelings. He is still acting like a single man, even though he is married.
I hope you don't have any children. I also hope you don't PLAN on having any children with this man-child.
In your shoes, I would carefully weigh up what you are getting from this relationship, then decide if this is how you want to live for the foreseeable future. If not, then get out as quickly as possible.
I do wonder why you married this man? You must have known what he was like before you married. Did you seriously expect him to change? Big mistake, sweetheart. They DON'T change unless they want to and work at it. Your husband DOESN'T want to change so he is basically saying to you "take it or leave it". You should have weighed this up BEFORE you married. Don't waste any more of your time if you feel this is not for you. You are worth better.
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